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what is emotional abuse?
December 11, 2003
3:37 pm
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wireless
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Really, what is emotionall abuse? Is it when somebody tels you they love you during a great day then turns around the next day and says I am not in love with you.

December 11, 2003
4:21 pm
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artist 2
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I think emotional abuse is calling people names, ensuring their trust, then breaking it, breaking promises, being unreliable, plus more.

December 13, 2003
12:28 pm
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HARRYO
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Having unreasonable expectations
and blaming yourelf and others
when they are not(perceived to be)
met.

December 13, 2003
6:44 pm
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LA Rosa
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Feeling that you 'always' have to be there for someone....in order to keep the peace.

December 14, 2003
12:40 am
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puppylove
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Personnaly, i think all the above is emotional abuse, but there's much more that comes out of it. When someone has you thinking that they are a good, reasonalble person and then turns around and makes them the victim in situations they should be blamed for, that's emotional abuse. When you feel like you always have to be the bigger person and suck it up because it's the only ways things will get settled, that's emotional abuse. I think if the only way to solve any problem leads to you feeling hurt or sad in any way, it's surly emotional abuse.

December 14, 2003
2:51 am
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Zinnie
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Puppylove,

You hit that one right on.

Z.

December 14, 2003
7:58 am
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Anonymous
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emotional abuse is also with holding love and affection and not allowing your child to feel too.

emotions ..when i was growing up

to cry i was a baby
to laugh i was too silly
to be sad or get mad i was too sensitive

i learned to be stoic and quiet and held my emotions inside myself instead of expressing them ..

it hurt to have so much unspoken feelings

emotional abuse is when you hug your mom and she doesnt hug you back.

emotional abuse is when your self-worth is constantly knocked down when dad tells you youre fat and stupid and lazy.

emotional abuse is when dad sneaks up on you and scares you and then laughs.

emotional abuse is when dad twists words and confuses you

emotional abuse is when your afraid without anything physical ever happening ..when you tip-toe so as not to draw attention to yourself.

emotional abuse is when youre shot a look that could kill. one that tells you, you are a horrible person worth nothing.

emotional abuse is when daddy hurts you and mommy doesnt take you away.

December 14, 2003
8:04 am
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Anonymous
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i hope i have helped people see the bruises that never get seen with emotional abuse. they are just as painful as getting kicked or punched or sliced with a sharp knife.

i know - ive been there.

December 14, 2003
9:11 am
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Zinnie
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Auntie Firefly,

I love you lot's and lot's.

The little red LOUD dog

December 14, 2003
12:54 pm
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Ladeska
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Well said, Firefly. Well said. Very descriptive. I've found it to be largely about - inconsistent behavior, which alot of people have brought out here. One day this way, one day not.

It's about blaming, tearing down one's self worth, creating confusion, spinning things around all the time, etc.

Alot of times it's things that are very covert, hidden, deceptive. It's like they get pleasure out of you hurting and with some people - that's absolutely correct. But they do need to throw in some good times, some charm and some things you need and want - in order to keep you around, like a dog to kick when they want to.

They can injure people and yet - no one sees the trail of blood leading back to them, nor do they see the wounds they inflict. A coward's way of hurting someone.

December 14, 2003
6:23 pm
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Anonymous
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little red LOUD dog -- i love you lots n lots too!!!

auntie firefly 🙂 woof woof

December 14, 2003
9:23 pm
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gro2glo
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Ladeska, Wow!! What you said really struck a cord in me! This is exactly how I felt in my relationship. Especially the part about the confusion, because you get to the point where you don't know if you're coming or going, and then feel as if you really are imagining the manipulation going on. Like it must be all in your head! Thank God I wasn't as crazy as I thought!!!*****

December 14, 2003
11:24 pm
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Ladeska
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gro2glo... please go read the original post on the Charmer/Abuser thread and see if anything hits home with you.

December 14, 2003
11:42 pm
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wireless
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I feel as if I know you all in a very close way, you know, like we all grew up together. The wierd thing is that after all this has happened I dont want to believe it, but after reading these letters I have to.
Thank You for sharing
some of your stories!!

December 15, 2003
10:37 am
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Anonymous
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i want to tell you guys something important that i failed to say yesterday ...

if you have been in emotional abuse .. you 'can' heal from it. its ALOT of work - and very painful - but you can grow past it if you want to and you work hard at it.

i have been working on my emotional issues from the abuse for 2 yrs now ..after the first year, i was strong enough to leave the situation i had been in since i was born.

this year and since the move in the summer, i have been working on the pain the abuse has caused. i do this by allowing myself to feel, learning how to express myself, taking a stand for myself, being a mommy to the little girl inside, letting her feel too, being the person i was born to be, working on my self-esteem, making my own agenda .. believe me - if you 'want' to heal - you CAN.

i continue to work on my issues every day ... Thank you Ladeska for all your help!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish you all the best and hope your hurts find healing too!

much love, firefly

December 15, 2003
11:39 am
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HARRYO
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NOT LETTING GO!!!!!!!!!

December 15, 2003
6:02 pm
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wireless
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thank you everybody

December 15, 2003
7:07 pm
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Bizzie B
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Emotional abuse is being extremely kind one day and a jerk the next. Emotional abuse is having someone manipulate your feelings. Having someone say they love you, then treat you like shit.

December 15, 2003
10:37 pm
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Ladeska
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You're most welcome, Firefly. You're a good student. You roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty. Very committed to your own wellbeing and work like a little mule!!

Emotional abuse is usually done at the hands of someone who really likes to mind screw people. Usually cowards, liking to pick on someone weaker than themselves, or so they "think" anyways....

But usually since their life is whacked, they enjoy controlling something. And if they hurt, they like to share the pain. "How special".

You can't win with people like this and the sooner you recognize the dance and snip the strings altogether without doing endless circles of trying to make them "understand" (ugh) or trying to change them (double UGH) or trying to make them love you ( TRIPLE UGH) - the better off you'll be and they will be onto their next victim because they do - need their fix of control and manipulation.

Just say - No More, I'm done, talk to yourself and get out of my life. You don't need to talk it out with them or explain yourself to them. It's your life, so take charge of it and drop the hammer on people that make your life freaking miserable. GET AWAY FROM THEM.

Just look up emotional abuse and narcissism on the web. They tend to go hand in hand.

December 15, 2003
11:00 pm
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wireless
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Ladeska, kick ass, right on. It is my life. I have let go... I have let go of reacting to manipulation, it feels real good. I am doing a lot better. You all are great!!

December 16, 2003
4:59 am
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Zinnie
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Hi All,

Wow... this thread is hard for me. I'm coming to realize that as much as I love my Mom, and respect her for raising all of us, in her own way she was very emotionally abusive. I hate to sound like the martyr, but I think more so to me than anyone else. Let me elaborate, and please feel free to give me feed back, even if it's to tell me "Zin - quit feeling sorry for yourself!"

My Mom's Mother - my Nana had 26 kids. Yes, that is right, 26 kids before the age of 40. She had five sets of twins, so that accounts for a lot right there. When the youngest was about three, she split. I hate to say this, but there has always been a part of me that actually understands that. I think if I was 40 years old, and had that many kids, personally I would be in a padded room. But my Mom never forgave her for that, although Nana tried to make amends later in life. Come to find out from various people, I resemble her and have a similar personality to my Nana. One of the characteristics that I inherited from her is her build and size. I'm only about 5'7, and for most women that is considered above average, and I have always carried a little extra weight on me. However, my Mom is 6'0 tall, and my sister is 6' 1/2" - and if either of them weigh over 125 lbs., I would be shocked.

Add to this that my Mom at some point decided to leave my Dad. She went back East to be with her family, and was so skinny the family worried about her. Both her and my sister need to force themselves to eat to keep weight on as they have super fast metabolisms. Ironically although my Mom hated her Mother, that is where she went. Well, Nana starts feeding her and giving her some kind of vitamens. Soon, she started fattening up. Hee hee, I was the reason she was fattening up. So, she felt the right thing to do was to go back to my Dad. Top it all off with I'm built and have Nana's personality, and look like a carbon copy of my Dad.

My weight has always been an issue for my Mother. My looks have always been an issue for her. No matter what I have done in this life, it is never ever ever good enough for her. I'm always compared to the others in the family or put down for the choices that I have made.

When the whole Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton thing was going on, she actually even called me a few times and said "have you ever thought of cutting your hair and coloring it, I'm so tired of my friends telling me how much you resemble her." Wow, made me feel great.

When I interview for a job a few years ago, I had to go through an entire day of testing. When they called me to offer me the job, the H/R person asked if I had been in special classes in school. I said "oh, why were they that bad?" She replied that I had the highest I.Q. of anyone that had ever applied there, and was shocked that I would ask that. I told her well, I was considered the remedial one in my family. She did not believe me. When I called home to tell my folks about my new job, my Dad was happy, then I talked to my Mom, and she said "well, see if you have such a high I.Q., I can't figure out why you don't use it."

There are so many times in dealing with her and now lately my Dad that I have such a high level of frustration I wan to scream.

As I have said many times over and over again here, I think the whole cousin situation really brought up a lot of things that I have pushed down so far and buried and now all of the sudden I'm seeing issues and topics of things that I have never dealt with. Again, as I have stated previously, I have to say most of my family is less than happy with these changes. The exciting thing for me though is to see how happy my husband is with my changes I'm making. He told me today how proud he was of me. Simple as that, and it made me feel so loved.

Thoughts?

Zinnie

December 16, 2003
9:30 am
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wireless
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Zinnie, nothing else matters. Your husband loves you and that is all that matters. I had just learned omething from you... I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, without her even knowing it, but i have learned that by backing off and letting go, this relationship is getting better. with everybody supporting me and the excerpt that Harryo wrote me, I feel alot stronger. I am believing in me now and know that I let myself be abused all of these years. They were emotionally abusive to me, because i let them be! i know now that I dont have to take that shit and WONT. It is hard, but I am doing better today because I want to!
The funny thing is, is that I love this person dearly and just will continue to support her. I just let her know that I care for her not with words,but with action. I dont get mad and I am doing better. I just dont react to her manipulations or anything she does that tries to upset me, and the reaction I get from her, is that she really cares. I dont try to figure it out I just enjoy the moment.
Every body thank you for your help! I would not have been able to write this two days ago without the support of people on this site.

December 16, 2003
1:52 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Ladeska,

What you and others have but not quite said is...CRAZYMAKING!

For example, It's bad enough when they don't keep promises, but when they proceed to deny having made them, or worse, get furious when you try to hold them accountable to promises made.....Crazymaking.

December 16, 2003
2:01 pm
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unhappy camper
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I have been exposed to "crazymaking" too. But hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

Now, if I was to talk to him, he'd not get away with any nutty behaviour without being called on it each and every second. That would make him crazy. But I would not let it be the other way around again.

I would just say..."even if you don't get it, or pretent not to get it...you are being sick in your thinking and behaviour and it must stop now".

I would intend to reach him with my intellect, and maybe make a connection with his. But never stop. Always calling him on everything......always. Never let up. Even if he denies it, get mad, cries, leaves.... I'd call him on it all. I'd shine a big flood light on it...point arrows to it....no pussyfooting around the issue.

"You are attempting to control me with that remark" "You are manipulating me by not taking out the garbage" "You are insulting me by thinking I will pay your share"... etc etc.....

On and on and on....see what happens.

What would you predict? What if you tried it?

December 16, 2003
3:15 pm
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I think this is a very hard topic because many of us grew up with what we thought was normal childhoods. We say that our parents loved us and that we were taken care of. But what I am finding out as an adult and trying to work through why I have the problems in my life that I do, I am finding out that it wasn't such a normal childhood. My opinion was never asked for or wanted on most anything. Even deciding what I wanted to be as a grownup was pounded into my head from an early age. When fear is the driving force in a child's life then something is wrong - it doesn't have to be the physical fear of being spanked or punished - but the fear of disappointing the ones who are suppose to love them the most. I think that a spanking or a punishment is almost kinder because then it has an end to it. Mental and emotional punishment seems to know no end.

I am not sure if this makes sense, but I just felt like I should write it. Maybe someone else will identify with it.

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