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What is all about...
December 12, 2003
3:57 pm
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whtdaises
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So many times I have felt lost, left behind, thrown away, givin up on. My push in this life continues into the next day. I need to find my strength to get out of the shallow, dark spots that dance upon my soul. Many times I find myself involved in relationships that lack in the emotion area. At first I find these areas a challenge and I believe, in my heart that I can meet the challenge. However, after me any circles of working so very hard on the emotional challenge presented to me in the relationship, and finding myself constantly ending back at the place where it all began, I realize that the challenge has not been shown at face value, yet it has been falsly disguised. The real challenge that was presented was inside of myself. "Do I have the strength to walk awy and to realize that I am not super-human and I cannot fix anyone else, I can't make them love me, I can't make them happy....that is the challenge. Involving one's codependend self with an emotionally unavailable person is like opening the door to years of a painful addiction. Accepting and trying to fix someone elses emotional problems does nothing to codependents but feed out craving to our "drug". The addiction needs to be stopped, but I do not think anyone really knows how...it is not like a real drug where we can go to recovery or anything...what the Hell is this monster, how do we get it, and how the hell do we make it go away????

December 12, 2003
4:08 pm
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boland
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The real challenge that was presented was inside of myself. "Do I have the strength to walk awy and to realize that I am not super-human and I cannot fix anyone else, I can't make them love me, I can't make them happy....that is the challenge.

very powerful wolds whtdaises, you will reach your challenge you just got to belive in your self that you will, but some think ive learn, it takes time to know and see and to understand what you have to do to really get where you want, its never as easy as what people say, but you just gotta trust yourself to know what to do and what your doing is the right thing and the right way of helping your self, just hold on to what you said,

stay strong whtdaises, great name,

December 12, 2003
4:14 pm
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boland
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whtdaises what is the monster to you, i think only you know what the monster is here, i dont know either myself, i quess we all have our monsters inside us in differnt ways, im not to sure on the monster tho,

December 12, 2003
4:42 pm
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whtdaises
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The monster represents the anger and the shame that we drown in each and everytime we find ourselves saying yes to our drug. Everytime I get strong and feel like I can walk away, HE comes back with just enough emotion to gather me back in with my hopes of fulfilling the challenge. Then I let myself back into the circle and round and round she goes...spinning out of control. Emotionally closes people do not want to be alone and so they do the fishing game well. When they see us going and getting strong, they give us just a little taste of their emotions...to get us back in and round and round she goes.....

Getting off of the merry-go-round is my goal. I can see the problems, I am not blind, I just need stength to fight what I call the "devil thoughts". Thoughts of shame, worthlessness, lonelyness, death, those are devil thoughts, because he is the one that wants to distroy happiness and love.

Thank you for the support, as sad as I feel right now, I know that I have come a long way from where I was last year. Last year I was in the stage of: "If he sleeps with me, then he must love me, or if I sleep with him, I can make him love me....that was painful and thank God that I have learned to value myself and my body so much more. Baby steps, I know. Now I can't sleep with anyone unless I know that there is a genuine care for eachother, and that has tooken me a long time. My mom had a different boyfriend every night, so once again I was taught love falsly.

whtdaises

December 12, 2003
4:45 pm
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whtdaises
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Forgive my English mistakes, I am typing in a hurry....I am an English teacher...so I can't stand when I make mistakes because I didn't take the time out to proof read.

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