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What if you knew the whys? Then what?
February 21, 2007
12:25 pm
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atalose
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Often we ask why? Why does my girlfriend act like this? Why does my husband use all are money to buy drugs and leave us with no food? Why does my mother continue to control my life? Why is my boyfriend so emotionally distant? And any other why questions about someone else’s behavior.

What if we learn the answers to all those questions? Then what?

What happens if the answer to why someone is so emotionally distant is because they were sexually abused as a child? Then what?

What happens after you have those answers to the questions regarding someone else and their behavior? Then what do you do with that knowledge?

Years ago I spent months asking and researching the why’s about a man who I was in love with but was emotionally unavailable and had been most of his life. The relationship ended, we had no contact but I spent so much time with the whys. When I think I discovered the why, it gave me insight into his behavior but what was I going to do with that knowledge? Looking back now, did I think that if I found out the why I’d be able to change him and the situation and make it all work out? Was my mind set trying to show or prove to myself that it was him rather then me that caused the relationship to end? I’m sure it was my codie in full swing. I realize now that the time and energy I put into his whys only kept me attached to him and the relationship far longer then it should have after it ended. Was I putting off working on me? Had I listened to those around me had I heard what they were truly telling me, my issues with codependency would have been addressed a lot sooner then they were. Here I was working on his issue researching and reading about his problems while he was going out with someone new, someone he didn’t have to be close to or in love with.

I guess I just wanted to see what others think of their own whys and what happens when you discover those answers? Then what?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 21, 2007
1:19 pm
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lettingo
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I had a friend who was left by her mean alcoholic husand and she kept asking her therapist all the whys and questions. Her therapist looked at her and said "you may never know why". That has stuck with me as I go through my own battles of why or how? How could my stbx leave me, the house, his life, for his addiction. I remind myself, I may never know. All I have to know is how it effected me and how I think I should be treated.

February 21, 2007
1:57 pm
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jon668
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I find myself wondering why all the time.
Why is Dave so distant when I know he wants to be loved? Why does he use sex to validate himself, especially with people he descibes as "digusting and repulsive"? Why does he not see that people don't like him because he blacks out at parties and treats them like garbage? Why is he coming over and standing infront of my apartment door? Why does he text message in the middle of the night? Why does he say mean things to me and then act like they never happened?

Why am I giving him my energy? I use to be normal, what happened? I do wonder if I can fix the problem but a stime goes by I am remind myself of all the bad things and not the good times. That is helping me.

February 21, 2007
2:00 pm
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reachingout
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atalose

EXCILENT POST. Made so much sence
PERFECT YES PERFECT

February 21, 2007
2:11 pm
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doubleloss
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jon, i've asked myself many of your questions. I think it's normal to want to know the whys. For me knowing some of the answers would help me move on.

it would also give me fantasies of how i could help, but i think if i really know the answers then i can better understand that there is NOTHING i can do, pepole have to want to do the hard work themselves!

But i know there are things that i'll never understand or know regarding why xbf and fxh behaved the way they did. I guess accepting that is part of moving on.

February 21, 2007
2:18 pm
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student1
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I am constantly wondering why?????
If I could fiure out why, then maybe I could help. I want to make things better for other people. It takes the focus off dealing with myself.

February 21, 2007
2:25 pm
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I remember talking to my therapist about this. (about why my crazy ex did the things he did). She said, what does it really matter? Point is, he did what he did, and this is how affected you.

You cannot rationalize something that is not rational to begin with. It does not change the behavior

Words of wisdome....Just my thoughts.

February 21, 2007
2:35 pm
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lettingo
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Ladyace,
That was perfect! Right to the point. All that really matters is how it affects us and how it unacceptable regardless. Mine said something like, "you are trying to rationalize, irrational behavior. It can't be done". The quicker I got to this the quick I was able to start moving forward. I find myself still asking some of those old question but the difference is, I don't stay there. I instead turn my focus to me and what is best for me. If we used the same energy finding out why we care so much about these broken winged birds that we think we can save, we would all probably be ALOT better off not to mention healthy. That has been my priority. The whys are not directed at me....WHY do I continue to accept unacceptable behavior regardless of WHY it happenedn.

February 21, 2007
10:54 pm
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truthBtold
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Great thread.

I think that Gloria Steinem said it best when she said: "The answer is....there IS NO answer."

Pretty plain, simple and to the point.

We humans have such a thing as "free will." Comes with the territory.

To my mind - I have always wondered...that ...well,...just WHY IS IT - that "we" - even as children have some sort of a sense of what's right and what's wrong....to begin with? JUST....how is it that we know when we are being treated unfairly?

Hell, even my cats get jealous when one gets more attention than the other............

To my mind - hell, I think that in the end - - - it all just washes out!

I truly believe in my heart of hearts....(don;t know how I know this...I just do....) that - - - in the end, all of these people that really screwed us over - will - in the end - as part of the transgression process over to the "other side" will IN FACT FEEL - all of the positive and negative impact that they have exuded over their lifetime....and will experience it FIRSTHAND!!!!!!

That is to say - - all of the goodness and the crap will be cast upon them and they will experience every single feeling and nuance of the actions that their own free will created.

That's how I think that it all kinda shakes out in the end, anyway!!!!

February 21, 2007
11:04 pm
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truthBtold
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Even if I knew that my father as a boy was sexually abused himself....is no excuse for him making the conscience DECISION to abuse his daughters like he did (myself included.)

He had his faculities. He CHOSE!!!!

He KNEW that it was wrong....but he did it anyway.

Sucks to stop being naivee about it all and see it for what it truly is.

The end of innocence. The beginning of self awareness.

All in this lifetime is not all shit.

Facing fears and secrets exposed CAN LEAD to a better life for the coming generations to come.

whew.

February 21, 2007
11:39 pm
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sdesigns
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"I realize now that the time and energy I put into his whys only kept me attached to him and the relationship far longer then it should have after it ended. Was I putting off working on me?"

Wow, atalose, that describes exactly what I did with my exbf.

i spent so much time figuring him out, and it DID keep me attached, and I blamed him for being the awful person he was.

Eventually though I took that knowledge and looked at why I was attracted to such a person and why it mattered to me. Thats where the answers lie.

Analyzing them to death- I think it does have a purpose- because then we can see why we are attracted to unhealthy and dysfunctional people. The answer does always lie within.

SD

February 22, 2007
12:05 am
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truthBtold
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sdesigns,

You nailed it! Eventually you and I and all of us for that matter - have to take a long hard look at our own behavior and why we are attracted to the type of people/situations etc.

Funny thing is - the answers come in the quietest of moments with just ourselves at the helm.

Just the very idea to ALLOW the answers to come to us means we have to be vulnerable and safe.....within ourselves. (kinda scary.)

It's all there. Always has been.

Just needed a quiet and safe place to surface within ourselves.

(Funny how that all works - isn't it?)

The answers have been with us all along......just waiting for a time for us to set our pride and our analytical mind aside and let the truth come forth.....not unlike a bubble....deep, deep DOWN in the sea of our souls whom just seeks the surface and nothing else and will gradually, eventually - find its way to the surface....and POP with its own long regarded truth and effervencence.

Then - well, we will know....(as we always have known - but were just a little too afraid to look) - - - -

.....until now

🙂

February 22, 2007
12:41 am
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sdesigns
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Actually I am now thankful that I was involved with such a person only because it put me on the path of self discovery and growth that I wouldn't have had without that horrible experience.

My particular "mistake" was an alcoholic, sex addict, computer addict. I had no experience whatsoever which anyone like that. I spent a great deal of time researching all of his disorders which lead me to info on the type of people THEY were attracted to. Then came the "uh, oh" there's something wrong with ME.

And thats when the change was started. I found out so much about myself and my past, which made my present much clearer. And from there, my future will definietely be better since I am aware now of so much more.

SD

February 22, 2007
12:53 am
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truthBtold
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Yep, you said it SD.

There are "AH HAH!" moments.....and then there are the "Uh oh...." moments.

Both are great teachers.....gently prodding you into the RIGHT direction.

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