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What If I Never Get Over All Of This??????
November 5, 2007
4:55 pm
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truthBtold
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Huge, harsh, reality check...........

It just occurred to me today........What IF...I Never Get Over All Of This?????

Have I been fooling myself into thinking that I can....completely? Or is it something that I am just going to have to realize, going forward......that it's just something that can only be managed - at best?

It sort of, oddly, feels like progress in a way to finally come to this determination.

Guess I have to just sit with this for awhile.

As a bit of background, my finacee and I are in the process of of changinf our lifestyle behaviors to a much more healthier one (both in our late 40's.)

Changind the diet & excercising (gee - no newsflash there....) as both of us were really inspired in watching 3 - 1 hour segments on the Discovery Health Channel over the week-end surrounding Dr. Oz's books: "You - The Owner's Manual", "You - On A Diet" & the newest: "You - Staying Younger."

So - it's exciting to think about and entertain these changes and I just finished grocery shopping for much healthier foods today....when all of a sudden - I get SLAMMED with self-defeating and negative thoughts & self-sabotage!

Nothing new. This always seems to happen when I try to move into a direction which puts my own best interests first.

So - today - I stood back and realized....what if I never get over all of this??????

I really don't want to hear about positive thinking or meditation, deep breathing, inner child work...etc.....heard it all before. Maybe this is just one somber fact that I haven't been able to accept or admit until now.

Maybe - I can just do the bast that I can under the circumstances....with all things considered...and just let it simply go at that.

Like in the movie: "Maybe this IS as good as it gets."

And maybe that isn't all together a bad thing, you know?

Finally acknowledging and accepting my own limitations.........

In a way....it kind of feels like I have reached some type of "neutral zone" - you know?

Like I have finally stepped off of a train that I have been riding all of my life and finally stepped onto some solid ground.

A bit sad.....but still solid....nevertheless......and maybe - just maybe - it feels as if all of the emotional charge which I used to feel around certain things and events has maybe just become...a "non-issue."

For whatever its worth....I oddly - feel finally grounded.

Has anyone else ever experienced something similar to this??????

Is this just....simple acceptance?

Thanks in advance for your comments.

TBT

November 5, 2007
5:03 pm
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truthBtold
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PS - I just wanted to add that I don't really ever recall feeling this "emotionally practical" before.

(Have never really read about this in any of my self-help books either.)

pps - please excuse the mis-spellings....was just typing up a storm........

Still - I wonder - anyone else been through something like this before???????

November 5, 2007
5:10 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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TruthBtold, I like the one you mentioned about doing the best you can with what you have. With that much you have a good shot because you are so aware and it seems you are accepting yourself and I see no wrong with that. Trust yourself, I trust you, because nothing ventured nothing learned. Take Care, horsefly

November 5, 2007
7:05 pm
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Matteo
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truthBtold ~ They won't tell you something like this in self-help books because they don't want you to be content with what you have, they want you to buy their books. : )

"Like I have finally stepped off of a train that I have been riding all of my life and finally stepped onto some solid ground."

Yes, I can relate to this from the time when I underwent my metamorphosis. Except I was perhaps one step further - not in the neutral zone, but in an acceptance zone. My train was slowing down over time, little by little (in the neutral zone), but was still running quite a bit when it happened.

The train stopped abruptly. I realized that it is absolutely perfectly OK to be who I am and not care what others want, think I should be, what they expect, disapprove, condemn, or whatever else they might think, that I have the right to be here just like everyone else while being who I truly am and who I want to be, AND - this is the part which happened when I stepped down from my train - feel good about it. It had this huge "WOW!" quality, when I realized that I can be truly happy for who I am, appreciate it and celebrate it...

Before, I was tolerating myself - while not caring much what others may think. But I felt odd. After - I embraced myself. Which does not mean stagnation; quite the opposite, but this time it is on mine, not somebody else's' (societal) terms, and that makes a world of difference.

Thank you for reminding me about that time - it took about a month and it was very stormy, indeed. Never before in my life I went through a sea of thoughts and emotions like I did during that month. Altogether truly remarkable and amazing process, after which I emerged a happier, and I believe a better person.

November 5, 2007
7:48 pm
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truthBtold
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yes...Yes...YES.....that's IT!!!!!!

Thank you so much Matteo for sharing your process!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I have "emotional practicality."

It IS all about acceptance of self....isn't it?

And you are so "spot on" about the self-help book stuff......after all - if you finally find contentment....then what motive do you have to purchase any more books, tapes, lectures...etc......

Makes perfect sense.

I am so relieved to have finally rec'd a response from someone who has been there. You have no idea.

I even double-posted this on another forum to try and rally in anyone that I could that could somehow relate.

Right now - as I revisit this idea to eat healthier and exercise....it is without the guilt or self-sabotage I previously experienced....the "pangs" of self-defeat are simply not there any longer - yet - in all of this - it wasn't my "goal" - it just naturally and sweetly kind of all shook out that way........you know what I mean???????

It's all just such a veil of somber, profound quiet realization that just gently falls over you.........

Quite extraordinary when you think about it.......

I would be most interested in hearing even more from others that have experienced something similar............ thanks.

November 5, 2007
7:48 pm
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MsGuided
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This is something I've thought of also.About accepting who you are and your limitations.

Many people "get over" things only with good combined support from loved ones, a "higher power", counselling and an already intact esteem. What of those who don't have good family, friends, counsel or financial resources?

Our histories and upbringing etch us permanently to a point. We get imprinted with behaviours because of the kind of nurturing, or lack of, that we recieve.

IF we realize behaviours we do aren't to our liking or benefit seeking to change things isn't a bad thing at all. It takes courage and strength to go on that journey that puts you in foriegn emotional territory.

NObody can deny how we are manipulated by commercialism on all levels, : what we eat, wear, do, where we go or what we read..everything is sent to us through media, family, or delivered with the local paper.

The journey to wellness is to find what works for you as an individual and also to embrace everyones differences (uniqueness) and try not to hold it to standards that may be unreachable.

I am accutely aware that the marketting machine is an avid stalker and hounds you in so many ways. To say NO more is empowering.

What about this? I question the co-dependant theory also because some of the behaviours I read are merely coping mechanisms. I don't think humans are meant to be alone. Being in a relationship taking a back seat, isn't so bad. Nobody (or very few)can do it all, and having a partner who's strengths fill in for your weakness's is healthy!
What some may call codependancy lately I see as being able to sacrifice and help others who are in need. If that "pendulum" swings back and forth in a relationship is it realistic or sane to give it a label like codependancy?
I think selfishness, and the consequences of being overly self centred, is a more damaging personality feature, and causes more people pain and anxiety, than some codependancy traits. Wether the selfish party finds themselves abandoned or leaves others broken by not considering their well being.

Only when severe abuse and disrespect is present does a relationship break down ( or if people grow apart)

truthBtold.......don't give up on living and eating healthier. But if you want to have that occasional KFC or cake it isn't that bad a thing!
We don't have to be perfect, just be able to function in our daily lives.

November 5, 2007
8:28 pm
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truthBtold
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MsGuided,

I hear you loud and clear about the KFC comment.

I live in the south....Atlanta to be specific....and don't you know that any which way you turn - we are faced with Southern Fried Chicken, Country Fried Steak, County Fried Chicken...smothered pork chops in gravy.....mashed 'taters and gravy.....gravy & lard biscuits, fried okra,red-eye gravy....snacks such as fried pork rinds etc.....

It ain't easy, by cracky!!!!!!!

Lawd.....someone throw me a cardio-life preserver!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha 😉

November 5, 2007
10:20 pm
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Hi truthbtold

I remember when I first decided to get help and get on a healing journey.

For literally years I would do whatever I had to do or thought I should/could do- ANYTHING to be healed. I wanted and was determined, to be healed. To be "normal." Books. Dream analysis. Therapy- individual and group. Journaling. Speaking at vigils. Being a member on a victim impact panel at the prison. Becoming a Rape Crisis advocate. Writing letters to the editors of papers. You name it, I probably did it, if it had even a glimpse of the promise "healed."

I used to ask at every group meeting- for 3 months they were once a week, how long healing takes. then for a couple years at every monthly suport meeting- how long does healing take. and how do I know when I'm healed? then I didn't go monthly anymore- periodically, and somewhere, somehow, for some reason, I just stopped asking.

I did have an experience similar to yours though. Support meetings are held monthly but I hadn't been in forever, so I went to the December one. Everybody goes to those. Saw everybody. And this one gal, she was new to the center (I'm a rape survivor) and she asks "how long does it take to heal from this?" I just had to go hug her and share what I knew.

I used to ask that question, asked it for so long, being healed was so important to me, like I had this big gaping wound that I wanted to heal and make it go away. be all smooth again. Innocent again. Trusting again. Naiive again. Just- pre-victim again.

But it doesn't work that way. Not for me anyhow. As time has gone on it's had less and less negative impact on my life. It's a part of now versus something I want "off of me." I wish it hadn't of happened but it did, and that sucks. But the fact that it did doesn't make who I am anymore. Now, who I am lets this be a part of me.

Who I am, is bigger now than it is.

So yeah, it's not something we get over. We never get over it, but we can get control of the impact it has on our life. We can be bigger than trauma.

I'm really glad this has happend for you truthBtold. It's a really big step on your healing journey.

free

November 5, 2007
10:37 pm
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truthBtold
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free,

Your post has brought tears to my eyes.........

It all just happened to me quite unexpectedly.

Coming to terms with myself - I guess is what it's all about....though in this round about, convoluted way..........

Kind of just snuck up on me........

whew.

I did not realize that it was a huge step in my healing process....but in both a direct and indirect way....it most surely is...isn't it????????

Thank you so much for your reply and even more so....your honesty.....

Brenda

November 6, 2007
1:05 am
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November 6, 2007
1:35 am
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"I did not realize that it was a huge step in my healing process....but in both a direct and indirect way....it most surely is...isn't it???????? "

yeah, it is.

And your life is now very, very different than it used to be, and in a very, very, good way.

This is the part of our healing journey where we skip and sing.

It's trippy.

It's a weight lifted.

A burden absorbed.

(((truthBtold)))

free

November 6, 2007
7:24 am
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Codi202
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"What if" - is negative thinking !:)

Anywhay, You sound like you are doing great...you are farther along than I am.

I am looking forward to learning something about those books, even though I have been reading about all that stuff for decades : I also can't seem to do things in my own best interest without self sabatage and guilt. I am learning from you.

November 6, 2007
8:09 am
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MsGuided
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So if you are hurt terribly by lifes blows, and try to heal through counsel, books, support groups etc.....and after a few years you still hurt, and react, to your detriment (isolating, lashing out in anger, judging others, lack of trust, depression, etc) then the healing process can become another burden?

I guess another way of saying it is to stop beating yourself up for what happened and what a better place you'ld be in if it didn't happen.
That's what I do to myself. Sometimes I get so disappointed with myself that "things" happened that set me back in life.

Part of it is getting older and not feeling closer to those retirement years for me. I feel gipped by allowing myself to be victimized.I get really scared sometimes of where I'll be when I'm old if I don't get my little piece of the pie soon.
I haven't gotten to that point of resolve or acceptance because I have to do something now, while I'm still healthy to prevent my worst retirement nightmare!

November 6, 2007
9:02 am
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risingfromtheashes
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truth -

part of my journey was recognizing my need for control.

I know where it comes from - because as a child - I became an "adult" at an early age due to my mother's suicide attempts and depression and my father's attitude towards me.

so, I recognize my controlling habits - which were what frequently put me into bad relationships - where I picked men I had to try and control - I couldn't control dad, so I picked men like him - in attempt to fix that part of my life.

Another part of my control shit was wanting to change the outcome - have it all not happen - have a different ending to the story.

Once I accepted that my history is my history - it is what it is and I can't change it - it got easier.

Ya know, there was a book I found - twenty five words - that was sooooooo profound - it was a small book - the writer went into how the serenity prayer changed her life - how she beat her addictions - and so forth.

But it hit me like a ton of bricks - and I really feel that I changed when I read it.

I no longer needed to control outcomes - I no longer needed a different ending to the story.

I accepted my past - my shortcomings - and was able to look forward to creating a NEW story for my life - not one of reruns of old crap - but new stuff - what did I want and how was I going to get it?

I accepted me for me, my past for my past, my dad for who he was and the part he played.

I don't feel like a victim anymore. I don't obsess about justice to all those that hurt me. I don't dream of how to reclaim ME - I GOT ME BACK!

I shook off the chains that bound me to my past....but accepted that somewhere behind me WAS my past - and the pile of chains I was leaving behind - and that my past WAS ok - even if not perfect.

alot of this wasn't a concious thing - it just happened - but I think overall, it came when I accepted that I would never be perfect, that I could go to meetings for years - and still be stuck - that I had to get off my ass and do SOMETHING - take some action - that I KNEW what I had to do - just do it.

And part of it was accepting me with my warts and all.

I am not totally healthy. I have my passive aggressive moments. I get the urge to control on and off. But I RECOGNIZE it when it starts happening - and I use the tools I learned to stop it - and turn things around.

I am in a relationship now - it's wonderful - it's calm - it's peaceful. We have our issues - we have our flaws. My BF is dealing with some big issues, and yet, I am comfortable sitting back and letting him work it out on his own - even tho they DO affect me - I am not getting involved - it's his stuff and he owns it, not me. You don't KNOW how LIBERATING that is.

In years gone by, I would be either quitting by now - or trying to fix it.

not no more.

I don't think we ever "get over it" - we never forget - the best we can do is accept - and find the healthiest way we can to "cope" with it - and work around it.

It's like any other "disability" - it's there - no ignoring it - it won't go away - but it doesn't have to stop us from living - we just do it differently than the next person.

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