Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
What if I am the abuser?
May 18, 2005
10:18 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So like many know Mr. Jack and I were quite a lot alike.

I am dating a new guy, he is nice, great, and I feel like it is my relationship with Mr. Jack all over again except I am Mr. Jack.

NOOOO, I have not been mean or crappy to this guy.

I am just freaked out because I think he feels more than I feel. He said to me last night that he knows I could get to him and that he could never get to me.

He then asked me if he should run.

THEN, to top it all off, he wanted to know if we could be something great.

This from a guy who never opens up or tells anyone anything.

I think in some ways I was Mr. Jack's challenege, like he got me and then bam the fun was over.

what if I am like that with this guy??

I don't want to hurt him.

May 18, 2005
10:22 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, it is unlikely that there were 2 bona fide abusers in the previos rerlationship--there are aenough to go around and they dont like each others company that much.

I have heard you struggle with some "superficial" sexual values and wanting to be a mature and loving person. At least you worry about being a good person, and that is a good sign.

Just be honorable. Tell the truth. If you cant make it with the guy cut him loose.

May 18, 2005
10:35 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I like him, but he seems to want me to guarantee that he will not get hurt and I cannot gurantee him that.

I know it is the first time for him to open up, but I also know my patterns.

I'm torn between knowing that I normally have hurt people before and not wanting to do that again, and wanting to be with him, and thinking maybe this COULD work out.

May 18, 2005
11:00 am
Avatar
Deena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aces...sounds like he may be a little insecure. My theory is always be honest, he may not like what you have to say but I don't think your intentions are to hurt him in anyway.

The old saying "take is slow" might be a good thought.

Keep me posted,,,
Deena

May 18, 2005
11:04 am
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeh Aces, I agree with Deena, just be honest...if he's as insecure as he seems then he'll appreciate your honesty more than anything else...also take time to explain what you are saying so its clear to him, as quite often insecure people read differently into statements that their loved-ones make.

May 18, 2005
11:04 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Deena, we have been taking it slow, he says that supposodly no one can get to him and he doesn't open up but here he does for me.

I do believe him, but that is a lot of power and responsibilty that I have now, with his emotions.

Part of me thinks I might hurt him and he should run, but then the selfish part says I don't want him to run yet.

How wrong is that.

May 18, 2005
11:20 am
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aces,

Every time we enter into a relationship, there's a chance people will get hurt if it doesn't work out. As the others said, I believe beinh honest & taking it slow is always best. Try not to take responsibility on your shoulders for how he feels, that's his job. I actually see what he says a compliment to you, that he feels comfortable enough to open up to you. If you don't yet, that's ok.

btw - When you wrote that he asked if he should run, I laughed. I said this same thing to the last guy I dated, but it was because of things he was saying that made me feel uncomfortable/insecure ... like "you don't know me, do you?" or "you don't know what you are getting it, do you?" ... he said these things out of the blue during a snuggle moment after 5 weeks of acting like he was crazy about me. At this point I am thinking I should have gone with my gut, and ran for the hills! I can understand if he wasn't ready to get serious, but he wasn't honest about it. Instead, he was all over the board ... one minute he wants me, the next minute he's acting like he doesn't. This behavior is bizarre, confusing, and unfair ... and does cause for insecurities to creap up when you like someone. Sooo, all I can stress again is "stay honest, and be consistent".

May 18, 2005
11:24 am
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This should say: ""you don't know what you are getting into, do you?"

Added note: Try to be as open as you feel you are ready to based on the trust level you have right now. Trust takes time to build, and there's no need to rush it ... especially after what you were just through.

May 18, 2005
12:33 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know, and I am still trying to get past the jack thing, the last thing I want is something serious again, he is very skitish with relationships as well, the difference is that I think that Once he really gets me he will then lose interest.

May 18, 2005
2:50 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aces, why do you think that once he gets you he will loose interest? You don't have to give yourself away to this man as long as you don't trust him or feel safe with him. Protect your heart.

May 18, 2005
6:26 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kathy, he seems to be the type that loves to pursue and that is about it. I have a feeling that his ability or lack thereof to really know me, understand me, and most of all not have me really, is what intrigues him. He has even said so along those lines, like if I wasn't the way I was, (being skitish with getting close) then he would have run a long time ago.

I also though think that once he really falls for someone, he doesn't lose it.

May 18, 2005
7:34 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK Aces,

You say that the last thing you want is something serious. In other words you want a casual relationship, sort of a fling. You want the freedom to dump him at a moment's notice.

So if you dont want to hurt him, be honest with him.

but given where you are coming from here, given that you specifically dont want a serious relationship, I dont think you can really fault him for engaging you for just the thrill of the chase.

May 18, 2005
8:14 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you have been abused in the past by be it b/f or whoever, chances are you will become a potential abuser.

You need to heal, grieve, forgive Aces. Otherwise you will repeat this vicious circle.

Jumping from one relationship to another right away is unhealthy. You are not YET ready honey!

May 19, 2005
12:43 pm
Avatar
tracylyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aces ~

So sorry I didn't respond sooner, I didn't read this until today.

Anyway come on girl....what are you talking about???

You are not abusive to this man. You've been honest with him about your fear. You've done nothing wrong. You've acted out of distrust, you've been hurt, you are scared of longterm because you don't want to be hurt. You've done nothing to intentionally hurt this man. Just always be honest about how you are feeling. He sounds like one of the good guys, I think he'd understand.

t

May 19, 2005
1:07 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

T- he is very good, but I almost feel like I will hurt him.

I know this sounds just awful but I still have so much anger and hurt in me, and I almost want to just let it out on someone.

I spoke with Mr. Jack last night, he is in Alaska doing god knows what with god knows who, he wanted me to know he was in alaska though so he couldnt email the list I need until he gets back.

I have so much anger with him.

I asked who he was with he said friends, then said why do I care, since I dont care aboutthose things.

i hate the games with him.

May 19, 2005
9:27 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aces, I admire your honesty. I think you are healing. Confession is very soothing to the soul. Just be honest with yourself and follow thru with every commitment. Take a break from dates, be honest with this guy. Tell him that you are hurt due to previous relationship and you are going through healing process.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

May 23, 2005
3:54 pm
Avatar
chickyfighter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aces, when we have been hurt deeply in relationships we don't want to go back into another unless we have guarantees that it'll work and we won't get hurt,(AND WE ALL KNOW THERE ARE NO GUARANTEESIN LOVE AND LIFE) and maybe that is where this new guy has been. I am the # 1 person who totally understands the commitment phobia thing b/c I have been hurt each time I have loved deeply (granted it has only been twice)...I think you should embrace who you are and love yourself and get closer to the core of you...let the new guy know you w/in, if he is a worthwhile guy, then he'll stay and want to know you, if not, he'll walk, as quickly, but at least you are not wasting your time, nor are you potentially hurting him. I will keep you in my prayers, remember you are a wonderful beautiful woman inside and out and Jack has no say in your worth!!!XXXXXXX

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
41
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111048
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38581
Posts: 714357
Newest Members:
nickvoz, jron1945bas, juliaopty, uoi, jamescortes, rickymorgan3165
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information