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What i never knew
January 19, 2007
10:44 am
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hurt831
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I just read this whole thing thanks to a friend of mine. I am having some REALLY rough times in my relationship now...i stopped working in may because my boyfriend asked me to move with him and buy a house in another state. I agreed. I have been so bad with everything and cant help but bring myself down more than i am already....i have been crying for 5 days now.. tryigng to talk to him...but he wont...what do i do?

January 19, 2007
10:50 am
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soprano2
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Okay, I guess that I will go to your thread so that your story will be at one place. That way, others can read your thread and know your situation.

I will ask the questions again, how long have you been with him, and how long have you been where you moved to?

January 19, 2007
10:54 am
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hurt831
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i have been with him for 1.5 yrs...and we have been here since May. I totally changed being here with no job or friends. I found out he was talking to a girl he used to date and she was engaged and they would flirt... and i went thru that with my ex whom i was with for 5 yrs...and he said over and over it was just a friend... turned out it wasnt..now they are getting married! so i was aware of it..affraid of it happening again..so i turned into miss tough girl.. that i dont like!

January 19, 2007
10:56 am
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soprano2
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I wouldn't like it either if I didn't feel like I could be myself.

So, you don't really trust him based on your previous experience. Does he know about your past experience? Does he know how you are feeling? How is your communication (I know you wrote it sucks right now, but how was it before?)

January 19, 2007
11:02 am
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hurt831
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he does know about my past. And i told him how i was feeling. It was not that I didnt trust him, i was affraid to let it happen to me again. I know his past as well. He and I had OK communication. I would try and talk to him sometimes, but being that I was never able to tell my feelings or anything of that sort when i was a child as well as in my last relationship...it was hard for me to do with him. i would prefer writing an email, letter or text message. it was really hard that and when i did try to talk to him, he would usually talk over me and take me the complete opposite way than what i was meaning. does that make sense?
but lately... since i started to see a counselor a few months ago, i have not felt the need to check on him, i still like to know where he is and such because i worry about him when i dont know, and cry!

January 19, 2007
11:04 am
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soprano2
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Has he given you a true reason to not trust him? I know that when I was younger, I spent hours upset at my boyfriends because I was feeling rejected by them for some reason, but there weren't doing anything, they just had different priorities. (I hope that that makes sense, if it doesn't I will share a story.)

When he talks over you, how does that make you feel?

January 19, 2007
11:11 am
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hurt831
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I have a ?--are you a counselor? you sound like mine.. and really.. you are so calming me down! i have been up crying since 530 am... anyhow

I found some info a while back saying to a girl that he had messed with how he misses certain things..and such. it hurt! but other than that, and the phone calls... he really hasnt. I got help for that. I knew i was wrong. Same with Jealousy. I was raped at 15 and I went to counseling for that...but it didnt work. I was really insecure about my body and still am a little bit...but little things would set me off and i go nuts. yelling slamming doors, throwing my cell phone.

When he talks over me, it makes me feel like what i have to say in not important. He says a lot of things are irrelevant (did i spell that right?).That is why i resorted to writing it so that way i didnt have to worry about having it kept inside for so long and he could tell me his thoughts on it later...which never happened!

January 19, 2007
11:31 am
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soprano2
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I am glad that you are calming down some. I am not a counselor, everyone here are just regular people. I can say that I have been in a similar situation as you, so I guess that I just talk from experience.

Anyway, I am glad that you are in counselling. I went to counselling when I was younger, and I didn't get the way it was supposed to work. I was waiting for someone to fix me, and it never happened. I realized when I was older that I needed to fix myself and use a counsellor to talk to and sort out stuff. It has been much better the second time around.

As far as him--how does he feel about you now? Have you talked to him about the info or have you kept that inside yourself? If you kept it inside, it might be helpful to let it out.

When I used to talk to my husband, I needed to use certain words in order for him to not get defensive and hear me out. I used to say stuff like "You didn't come home last night. You forgot to take the garbage out. You forgot to pick up the kids." It was always you you you. He never heard anything past the you part. My counselor told me to try and tell him how I feel before I say what is wrong. It did work for a while. (I feel hurt when you don't come home until late. Am I a priority?)

I don't know if any of that helps you. I can tell you that communication right now is the key. If that breaks down, things get much harder.

Keep writing. If I don't answer for a while, it is because I am teaching.

January 19, 2007
11:37 am
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hurt831
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He says that there is not fixing what happened on Sunday. I have talked to him a lil about it. he is at work. and i just found out about it really and told him. he said " told you so". and i asked if he would help me as well and he said "no", so im crying... thinking that this is not worth anything to him.

January 19, 2007
12:43 pm
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soprano2
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Maybe you need to wait for a little bit before you talk about it. It seems like he is letting his emotions answer instead of his head--there is a big difference sometimes.

I don't understand what "he told you so" about. Could you maybe explain that a little bit more.

January 19, 2007
2:08 pm
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hurt831
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yeah i guess that is what i will have to do. He told me a long time ago that a lot of my past i am letting get to me and control my life. i agreed with him too. it was no lie...i cant let getting raped at 15 not bug me.. i cant let what has happened to me with my ex not get to me! I am a woman, i have strong emotions.. it just hurts to bad to not be able to get that comfort from him anymore.

January 19, 2007
3:20 pm
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soprano2
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But you need to be able to find comfort and acceptance within yourself. (Don't worry--I struggle with this all of the time).

Hopefully, your counselor can help you find ways of doing this. I find that people that are content with themselves have fewer issues with relationships usually.

I wish you luck. And keep popping in on here.

s2

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