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what heals?
May 19, 2004
12:50 am
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natty
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I am getting on OK with my bf, things seem to be going well. The thing is, I was an abused kid, mentally and physically. Not sexually thank the Lord. My dad used to bash the hell out of me and my mum left, left me with him. Both parents were totally unavailable emotionally and I was always told what a hopeless loser I was. Even at the age of 10, when I hadn't even hit puberty, my step-mother told me my dad and her thought I would be pregnant by 16. Well I wasn't!! I am proud of myself because I left home at 15 and got a job as a checkout chick in a supermarket. But at 23 did my HSC (That is final year of high school here in Australia) then went to uni and now am a journalist with a masters degree in politics. However, all I feel is shame and worthlessness. I don't totally believe my bf loves me, even though he has told me he does. I guess deep down I don't know how anybody can love me. I don't love myself that's for sure. I started seeing a new therapist a month or so ago, and she is working through it with me, because I think the underlying key to all my codependency probs and the rest boil down to no self-esteem. Even though I have always understood my dad bashed me and abused me verbally, and my mum didn't want me, I have never really analysed it. My friends just say, boo hoo, get over it, there are people worse off. True, there are people worse off, but that doesn't mean that my psyche was not screwed up by what my parents did. Anyway, my therapist has me actually facing my demons and working through what happened so I can fix the problem. My psyche was programmed really wrong, and reprogramming it to a healthy way of thinking is not going to happen overnight. I am so clingy with my bf. We only see each other once or twice a week because of his job (he is policeman and high up in the chain and works really hard) and when I am not with him all I can think about is him, I obsess, and cry, and feel so lonely and lost. I know this is not healthy!!!! I had an anxiety attack in my sleep the other night and bf got worried, we didn't know what was wrong with me, and he called ambulance. He had a really healthy upbringing and I feel like damaged goods. I am scared he will think I am too damaged and not want to be with me anymore. I am scared some stuff will come up while I am doing my work and healing with my therapist and I am really frightened that I will do something to push him away. Has anybody got some advice?? Thanks

May 19, 2004
1:09 am
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natty

your fears are understandable. the place you are in is very scary. I know. been there.

You're going to change natty. You're going to find a freedom you never knew existed. Your boyfriend will either be there with you, or he won't.

Something inside of you has caused you to seek out therapy, and to work things out. It can't be stopped. If ya try to stop it because of fear, then it will all bleed out into every area of your life. Something within you needs to be heard, validated, have a voice. For whatever reason, it has chosen to be heard at this time of your life.

It will be heard. The path you are taking with your therapist is by far the best avenue to let this voice be heard.

Your past is a part of you natty. It will be a part of any relationship you enter into. It is a part of your relationship now. Understanding this part of you opens the doors to intimacy. Intimacy is so wonderful natty. Intimacy is a man loving you for ALL of you. It's more than accepting this part of you. It's loving this part of you.

You'll find a man who loves ALL of you. This man may be your boyfriend. This man may be somebody else.

Over the next oh, 6-10 months or so, you'll know. The difference will be that if he's not going to be with you, you'll be okay with that. Instead of afraid of that.

Share your fears with your therapist. that part of you needs to be heard and validated as well.

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May 19, 2004
1:11 am
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jewel
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I feel the same way pretty much. I am also with a policeman and have been abused as a child. And a young adult. I am afraid that of losing my boyfriend due to my past. I find it a crazy that I just got on this website and read your thread. You could not have expressed how I feel sometimes any better.

May 19, 2004
1:14 am
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jewel
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I am afraid my problems from the past are going to get in the way of a great relationship. I am facing my problems now and for once not running from them. My boyfriend knows and feels I am doing the right thing by facing my demons. Do u think I am doing the right thing?

May 19, 2004
1:23 am
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yeah, I do think you are doing the right thing jewel. You are afraid that your past will ruin your relationship if you confront it.

Truth is, your past will ruin your relationship if you don't.

You have nothing to lose, and freedom from your past- a whole new life with so many more benefits and no chains, to gain.

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May 19, 2004
7:51 pm
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natty
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Thanks everybody, it is so nice to find support here.

Jewel - you are doing the right thing. Good for youfor confronting your demons and sharing this with your boyfriend. It sounds like he is being supportive? If so, that is fantastic. My guy is being supportive, in that he is not running away. He is a real non-communicator and doesn't say much but the little things he does say and the gentle way he is with me when I talk about my past lets me see that he understands i need to do this to get better. Keep at it Jewel.

Twinks - it's OK to call my family stupid. They are :). My dad is such an arse. I called him about three months ago when I was losing it and thought I was having a breakdown. I was sobbing and he asked what was wrong and I said I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He replied, very vehemently and very angrily ``bullshit''. I hung up and have spoken to him twice since - my birthday and his. That's it. I want to confront him about all the abuse but my therapist said that could cause more damage. She suggested I write a letter to him but not post it. But one day I want him to know what he did to me.

What you said about my inner strength and getting two degrees and a good job was right twinks, I just hope I can hold on to that while I work through this healing.

One of my biggest probs with healing is that it's bringing up lots of pent up anger and emotion and there are so many people out there who just say ``oh get over it and stop living in the past''. How do you get through this without looking like a pathetic ``poor me'' type of creature???

May 19, 2004
10:46 pm
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Anonymous
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In my opinion you won't at times. So what is wrong with that at least you are working on you that's a lot more than some people can say. I know it is hard. It sounds like you are doing some great things for yourself.
The only thing I can say as far as your bf is concerned is that if he is the one for you he will be there with you as you go threw this. I know that don't sound like much help. I know I have struggled threw so much since my husband and I have been together and at times I just want to screem why can't I be normal and live a normal life with a family. But what is normal really? Healing is very powerful and scary. All I know is as I go threw my healing it has not been easy between my husband and I but when all is said and done he is still there and let's me know he is no quiter. And if it weren't for him being understanding I would have ran a long time ago. I have also been slow to let him see all of me, and I have gotten to a place where I need to allow all of myself to shine threw I want to know he loves all of me and it is scarying showing all of myself but I belive that is the only way I can grow in my marriage is to be me good and bad.
You sound like you have so much more strength than you give yourself credit for. I hope that helped I am not to good at giving advice see I am still learning myself and it is all a process..

May 19, 2004
11:19 pm
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natty
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Thanks smiles. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel so supported in this forum and in all honesty I can say you guys are all like my best friends at the moment. I feel so lucky I stumbled on to this website.

On one hand I am scared of changing, but on the other I am ready to embrace it. I feel so ready. I want to be normal and happy and most of all, really love who I am. The idea is so foreign but it is something I strive for.

I'm glad you have a supportive husband Smiles.

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