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what happened
May 21, 2001
7:47 pm
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blackbird
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I thought about putting background information here but if I started I wouldn't know where to start. I'll try to stick to what matters.

I knew a woman six years ago from a circle of friends. I was interested in her but for various reasons never went out with her. At one point mutual friends wrecked our friendship through their lies. I saw her again a year ago and though again there is no way I could ever date this woman because of differences.
In november, she talked me into visiting her when I was sick so she could care for me. I did and it went very well. The next week we kissed for the first time. From there things progressed.
We have a lot of differences, and more issues than I can count. I never could see myself with someone so self absorbed and neurotic. She was involved in a serious accident and seems to be in extreme pain now. She has three doctors now that determine her medication in cooperation and in my opinion she takes enough drugs in a couple of days to kill a horse. All by doctors orders. I don't even see her much anymore she's too busy trying to "get well" which I sometimes think is an excuse of hers to do whatever she wants.
The thing is the relationship isn't going well at all. I don't get what I need out of it. I admit to being high maintenence I don't want a cool relationship. I want a relationship where seeing the one you love is like breathing and isn't something you can go without. I tried to break it off with her a few weeks ago. She was very hurt, and said she couldn't have anything to do with me because it hurt her so bad to lose me. I've known and cared about her for years, and at this point in her life due to her problems everyone seems to have abandoned her except for her family (the only people she has any respect for it seems).
I gave up on breaking up with her, because of one thought. I'm afraid she could die, and I can't bear the thought of abandoning her when she needs someone the most. I suppose the heart of the matter, is whether it is better to do the right thing for the wrong reasons or the wrong thing for the right reasons. I don't want to be with her anymore, but I care about her very much. I don't want to leave her alone so I thought maybe I could concentrate on my non romantic life and try to be happy there. The more I think about it, the less sure I am that it's remotely possible to remain true to someone that is only there when it's conveniant for her.
I could leave her, and let her deal with her own consequences and let her choose whether to accept that it is her fault she lost me.
I could stay with her, and let time pass as I become more agrivated, unsympathetic, and depressed.
Or I could stay with her and cheat on her giving her what she needs while selling my integrety up the river (Last resort I can't see myself living with either.)
So what to do when there isn't an answer you can live with?
PS: Sorry so long...

May 21, 2001
8:35 pm
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Molly
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Sounds like you need to do what you can as a friend while moving on. There is a time and place for guilt, but what is the point of feeling guilty where there is no reward? or lesson. Your post makes it sound like she is conviently sick, and utilizing meds, is this the case? could she be well, but life is easier when sick? That is domination, and if not your game, then do what you can do as a pay back, as a friend, but for a mate, keep on keeping on. You can still be a nice, person help her and be there, but you choose how deep your heart goes and in which direction. I have friends, that maybe there may have been a possibility of romance, and connection that direction, but if they were sick and needed a call, or a visit, I would try real hard to be there on that level, and know the difference. You can do this and with a clear heart, unless there is alternative motives!!!!!h

May 21, 2001
9:23 pm
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blackbird
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You misunderstood, I'm willing to be her friend because I know she needs someone. The problem is that she said she couldn't be friends with me for a long time because it would hurt so much to lose me. She's made a point to tell me how different I am to her from all of the men in her past. In truth she gave me a choice, stay with her, or abandon her completely. She also said a few things about how all of her friends had abandoned her. I lost my nerve, it was a good bluff. (If indeed it was a bluff) I am quite sure it is manipulation, but you expect that from someone that is in pain all of the time. A Chronic pain sufferer can be pretty hard to live with. I know she is this way, and I know that she makes things difficult for me on purpose, but it is because of her flaws that she needs someone so badly. So many have given up or fought with her until there was silence between them. I think that part of my problem with giving up is just that. I hate being a quiter. It makes me feel week to not be able to withstand the burden of things, and perhaps I let relationships go too far for this reason. In truth, this time I am upset because there is a real reason to try to forgive and offer support to this woman. I've loved her as a person and cared about her for six years. If ever in her life she has really needed someone, it's now. I always thought that I would be the fountain of strength, but now I have a voice that keeps asking "What about me?"

I think I need to break it off, I'm just afraid for her and want to be there for her.

May 22, 2001
10:13 am
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skimbleshanks
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Yes... what about you?

You seem to get your reward by being strongly faithful - even to the very end. A rare trait in this world.

You are human, and as strong as you want to be for her, may have just given out. If you feel weakened by this relationship, perhaps it's time to withdraw and strengthen yourself.

In meditation and yoga, it is taught that it is good to be well, to heal yourself. This is necessary to enable yourself to give.

Neglecting self for the sake of someone else is extreme sacrifice. Though galliant, it makes you too weak to slay your own dragons.

Your loving spirit is a light in our darkness. Shine on beautiful one...

May 22, 2001
3:30 pm
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Molly
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Its hard, but yes indeed, you come first, its hard with a guilt trippin manipulator, perhaps she could use a reality check as to why she has no friends, or the ones that leave her and the reason. People like that suck the life right out of you, can you arrange for a therapist to make house calls?

May 22, 2001
5:46 pm
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blackbird
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She has very well paid therapists, I just wish I knew what they do. I was brought up in a world where you can't snoop on people. I only know what she chooses to tell me and although I know part of her problem is mental illness I have no idea what it is. At times I'm convinced she is borderline but I simply don't know. I do apreciate all of the input, and I know I need to handle this I'm just not looking forward to wondering if she is ok or hearing the worste.

July 6, 2001
10:33 am
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Anonymous
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Where are all the threads?

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