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What fun is a party without a "rockstar"?
August 10, 2009
11:24 pm
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sadcat7
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I would like to start this thread by clarifying that I am not said "rockstar". I am the nagging girl sitting beside the "rockstar" trying to convince him not to drink a glass of straight jagaar on a Tuesday night at 7. I am openly hostile toward all the "rockstars" friends, who have impressive resumes like spouse abusing walmart workers, dead beat dads, or my personal favorite, a nanny with a grow opperation. The first time I introduced the "RS" to all my friends, was when I was a bridesmaid in a wedding. That night he took 3 zanax, 2 hits of ex, and drank a fifth of jagaar. That night he smashed my TV and dumbed all my dresser drawers out. When he woke the next morning naturally he remembered nothing, after I recalled the evening for him in its entirety, he broke up with me. I begged for him to come back, I chased his truck down a gravel road bare footed. I cried all day and all night. Naturally when he came back I took him back, after his gushing apologies of course. When I took him back he put me on this pedestal again of the sweet school teacher who was willing to take a chance on a bad boy. A few monthes later when he recalled this same incident, he blamed me for pressuring him into going to this wedding crawling with college educated people knowing that he was shy, introverted, and still tragically living with his parents. I always felt guilty for my success and the fact that I did not have a substance abuse problem. My drama and my high expectations were always the triggers for his out of control behavior. He always said I just my shitty attitude pushed him away, but yet he always came back and I was the first person he called when he needed someone. I finally git up the nerve to dump him a week ago. Things were going really well until last night when we agreed to see each other. He was funny and sweet. We laughed a lot and he seemed just really happy to be around me. He went home at a decent hour and he didn't try anything at all. He respected me and I couldn't stand it. I found myself texting him all day, trying to get him to agree to have a physical relationship with me without a commitment. He said he couldn't do that, he was afraid I would at some point go home with someone else, that he couldn't take it emotionally. I kept pushing him almost pissed off because he wouldn't take advantage of how weak and lonely I am. He finally broke down and said he loved me with a burning passion, he sounded like he was going to cry. I put my hand over the receiver and laughed at his harlequin romance-esque response. He said I wanted everything on my terms and he called me a bitch. I didn't hear from him for about an hour and then he told me to meet him at a bar, I said no. He called me 20 minutes later because he totalled his truck and he had been drinking. I took him from the scene of the accident to his house, he apologized when he got out of the car. He was driving in the rain and ran his truck into a stoned wall. This all happened today and I feel totally responsible, I knew he was weak and I picked on him. I am a snobby self-centered bitch and I will never find anyone who will love me. I try to manipulate and control everyone around me, and I hate myself.

August 10, 2009
11:49 pm
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marypoppins
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Sadcat 7,

Many of us here have been in your shoes, are in your shoes now, or will be in your shoes again - much to our frustration.

It's never ALL one person, and whatever you are or aren't, you aren't responsible for his behavior, and he's not responsible for yours.

Your story will repeat itself unless you want something different. Therapy is a good place to start if you want to figure out why you seek out and stay in dysfunctional relationships. Self loathing will get you nowhere, and you don't deserve that from yourself.

Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much are good books - enlightening and comforting. I've gone back to them several times throughout my life.

If you want a happy life - successful relationships, perhaps marriage one day, children, work now to figure this out.

Keep posting and reading here. You'll find support.

Mary

August 15, 2009
2:45 am
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Anonymous
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sadkat- i totally know what you are dealing with here. I left my X about a year ago with nearly the same story you wrote above... we actually broke up multiple times over the two years we dated- changing locks, broken furniture, packing stuff, unpacking stuff, fighting in the front lawn, tearing him away from parties, tracking him down at bars, finding his truck in ditches, always being made to feel like I am the bitch... crazy stuff all the time. I thought i loved him enough to pull him through it, but that was the codependency talking... sounds like you are going through a very similar experience. i left him and had to get a restraining order- which he didnt follow anyway... and i eventually moved out of state- and got with another "rockstar" just like him but worse- now that one is in prison, which has freed me of the madness again- not by my choice this time. i am trying to face my codependent demons, and failing miserabley as i can not stand to be alone. i am currently trying to find things that make me feel happy that don't include wrapping my substanceless self around someone new. I am trying to find what makes me a person of substance on my own without using the word love. Ask yourself this... WHO AM I? and try to do it without including another person or your feeling for another person, or even the word love at all. If you find this hard to do, so did i. So i am trying to change that and find things that make me whole and happy as an individual- seeking smiles thru other means. I had to start inventorying things from childhood that made me happy to start. And I asked my "UBER INDEPENDENT" best friend to be my mentor. I call her whenever i feel i am about to do something that I know is stupid in an attempt to avoid it. sometimes it works. sorry for the book... hope it helps. and good luck with the "rockstar"... hopefully he'll get arrested and free you of your madness... just a little humor there.

August 15, 2009
10:18 am
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MsGuided
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What the heck? YOU'RE a snobby self centred bitch and yadda yadda!!??

This is a total fabrication and he is eroding your self esteem. Don't let him do that.

here's another resource.

Read How to Spot a Dangerous Man or go to this site and get some excerpts from before you continue to buy into his attacks and manipulations.

http://howtospotadangerousman......gspot.com/

This site has a lot of info that will give more insight.

Google: How to spot a good man, How to spot a bad man, etc.

You need help getting your compass back.

The one where you describe yourself as responsible, caring, employed, self reliant, not a substance abuser, etc.

This "RockStar" LOSER wannabe( if he was one he wouldn't be living with parents, OR he would own the house and be taking care of them, so ditch that description) is playing on your sympathies, abusive then "hoovering" you only because he is none of what you are. He will harm anyone who gets close, because he is very sick and inadequate. he's projecting that on you! An Addict with issues that spurs that behaviour.

He's a user and blames everyone else for his bad decisions.

You sound like a wonderful woman and you don't deserve this. Please don't put yourself down.

I hope you find the strength to extract yourself from him ASAP.

Be Well!

August 18, 2009
11:25 am
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StronginHim77
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Sounds like your addiction of choice is toxic relationships with abusive men. I, too, attached myself to a wanna-bee "rockstar" alcoholic. It was hell. He was moody, frequently angry, unfaithful, mean-spirited, always in financial trouble and always looking for a new (younger) woman to admire him and whom he could "bed." Nice,eh? And stupid me kept going back to him because he would always call me when he got arrested or collapsed from the booze or was in deep trouble.

Yes. I was his Happy Rescuer. Till I wised up and relinquished the Title. He would use me, over and over, to get back on his feet (emotionally AND financially), only to push me to the backburner whenever a younger, sexier woman came along. My kindness and devotion meant nothing. He used me because I allowed him to.

No more. I severed all contact with him about 6 weeks ago. Sent him one, simple email, informing him that he was a selfish manipulator and user...and that I was stepping back for good. I have maintained strict No Contact ever since. He has not dared to contact me (the mask is off and the game is up) and I have resisted every impulse to call or contact him in any manner...even refusing to ask about him from "third parties..." which I could easily do. But I won't.

It gets easier each week. Hang in there. Step back. Maintain strict No Contact. Do the work of recovery from your OWN addiction to relationships. Read up on codependence [WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood and HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN

August 18, 2009
11:27 am
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StronginHim77
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ooops....hit "send" by accident...

HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN by Sandra Brown and CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie.] If you can get into private counseling/therapy for your addiction and learn WHY you are drawn to such toxic men, that will help you a great deal in your recovery. You can also join a local CODA group (for recovering codependents). It's free and you will meet other people, struggling with the same issues.

Do keep posting. And dump the rockstar. He is poison to your soul.

- Ma Strong

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