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What does the meaning of "Marriage/Getting Married" mean to you?
August 1, 2005
11:55 pm
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nattie
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I am debating this issue with, of all people, my fiance who does not believe in the institution of marriage. He says he is committed to me forever and loves me and will marry me because that is what I want but still believes that he doesn't need anyone, let alone a piece of paper or the church, to prove that we are committed to eachother.........

I have my thoughts, please tell me yours?!?

August 2, 2005
12:01 am
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lost and found
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part of marriage is learning to compromise and work as a team. he may not need a piece of paper but u have stated that u do. is he acting like he is doing u a favor to marry u? like he is making a sacrifice just for you?? if that is the case, really think about this...he may be a manipulator.....

August 2, 2005
12:07 am
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theseboots
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Marriage is a commitment in front of your friends and relatives that you intend to make a life together forever. Other than the official commitment it is not that much different than living together in fact. My husband of 15 years and I lived together for 14 years before we got married it seems to me we were much nicer to each other when we were living together. I wanted everyone to know he loved me enough to make a commitment but truthfully for me I think things might have been happier just liveing together so we did not start to think we owned each other. It doesn't work for everyone the way it did for me. He left me 9 weeks ago and I am a little bitter.
Good luck with whatever you do.

August 2, 2005
12:14 am
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Sunnysunshine
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I do not know, but for me I feel that an official status of gmarriageh is what actually draws the starting line for real commitment and reliability. I believe marriage is a true beginning of a partnership to see each other till the end. Not making the official gmarriageh to be officialized seems to me that he is providing himself a rout out when things get bad.

August 2, 2005
6:24 am
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Rasputin
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Hey Nattie,

I honestly think that when man thinks like your friend it is coz he is not seriously interested, or he is half-hearted about it, due to whatever reason....

Marriage is responsibility and commitment for lifetime. Many people, both men & women, live together for the fun of it without looking at it in realistic way. The comfort and convenience of sex, company of someone from the opposite sex, having activities and not being loner and fear of being alone, having more finances. These things in themselves are not bad, if they were done in honest way and for genuine reasons.

However, marriage is hard work on daily basis. It is the merging of 2 souls with all their different background, life experiences, personality traits, viewpoints...etc.

Also, marriage is to be honored before God!!! This is primordial to me being spiritual person.

If my friend does not see it my way, I would leave him and move on. Partners have to have the same values and principles, if not, their union will be short-lived.

Best of luck! ~RAS~

August 2, 2005
8:26 am
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shyshy
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I have a different view on the whole marriage thing now that I am divorced.

Before I used to really value the meaning of it and thought you find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you do just that. You spend the rest of your life with them. You make promises that you are supposed to keep come hail or high water. Isn't that the reason for the vows?

Then my husband started cheating and wouldn't stop. I mean, I can understand making a mistake. Getting cought up in the game of it all and then dropping it, getting through it all and moving on but to keep on cheating year after year after year was just a broken committment to me. I had to end it.

So now what? Why get married and make all these promises that you are not going to keep? Very few people that get married today stay together for life and out of those that do, they are still together because either one or the other put up with a whole lot of sh-t to keep it together. I've always said that what makes a marriage work is not what you put into it but how much BS you can take!!

I'm at the point in my life where I am totally against getting married. Even if I met that special someone that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with I would still be against it. I would probably be like your bf, ok, I'll do it just because you want it so badly. Not because I plan on leaving him in the future or because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him but because I just think the whole marriage thing is highly overrated.

Besides that, I lost myself big time in my first marriage and don't want to lose myself again. I like who I am and do not want anyone else thinking that just because I am their wife that they own me or can boss me around!!

I am my own person and want to stay that way. Don't want to be an extension of someone else.

August 2, 2005
8:27 am
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artist 2
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I tend to agree with some of the others, in that maybe he's a little afraid of the bond, the comittment marriage requires. I mean it is for life, and it is under God and in front of witnesses (in most cases). My first thought is that he's not ready for that kind of comittment. And, as much as he loves you, he may never be.

August 2, 2005
9:01 am
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SexySadie
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After I divorced my husband after 15 yrs, I lost all faith in marriage. When I met EX we both said we would never get married...through the 5yrs we were together, we tossed it around a couple of times...in fact just two months ago, he had given me a committment ring until we could do something more formal. Funny how that goes.

But looking back now, I wish that we had made that committment before our HP. The committment is not only to you and your partner but to everyone in your life, including your HP. When you "shack up" it's sooo easy to just end things, like we did. We just didn't have a true committment.

I again believe in marriage...and hope that one day I will find someone that also believes in it.

August 2, 2005
9:05 am
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CAMER
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i guess marriage would mean a commitment for life, taking your vows
"seriously" and wanting to make things work for life.

With the divorce rate so high, maybe that is the reason why your bf is not ready for marriage, it is a big step, and maybe he is just not ready or not ready to honor and cherish all the vows.

August 2, 2005
9:48 am
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Regret
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Natie,
Please don't buy that " i don't believe in marriage line". My ex bf didn't believe in marriage either. He was committed to me blah blah yet he is married to someone else after five years of "commitment".(Never mind his favorite line- " i will always love you"). Whether we like it or not, the legal rules of marriage causes people to think through their decision to run out or stay. Commitment might mean different things to different people but the law provides a common denominator for all of us to live by.If he is emotionally committed, he should have no problem with the physical and legal aspects of it. However, if he is not ready, I don't think you should push him to do it to make you happy.

August 2, 2005
11:07 am
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gypsygirl
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I think that some guys use that line so that thr girl will not rush them into marriage.

When your not ready to get married, your not ready. And when you are it happens.

August 2, 2005
11:19 am
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nattie
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He is committed and has proven that he is committed in every which way and also says he plans to be with me forever but doesn't need a judge to tell him that or a piece of paper to prove his love for me. I hope he's not being manipulative, I don't think he is because he has a new baby son with me and he considers us a family now, just going through the motions of a wedding doesn't appeal to him becuase like someone says it is "highly overated." We are basically already "Married" but the whole ceremonial aspect isn't what he believes in and to some point I can understand. The wedding industry blows up the idea of having an extravegant never forget weddings. BUT, I'm trying to get accross to him that we can celebrate small and that this is our special day, a memory to keep forever. He says that some people think it's there special day and get divorced so making it a special day probably scares him, thinking that we will get divorced. Come to think of it, he has alot of divorces in his family, his mother was married 3 times, his grandmother 5 times so I guess he's just scared but wants to do what's right for us.

I just wish there was a way I could help him feel that this day is special. I would love for him to be excited about it but I don't think that's even possible considering how he feels. Do you have any ideas on what I could possibly say to help him see that it is special?? He's not religious so the Marriage before GOD thing aint working. And having a ceremony before friends won't work because we are saving for a house so we can't afford a reception. Right now it's basically we go to City Hall and have a honey moon.

Thanks for your help!

August 2, 2005
11:30 am
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Regret
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Nattie,

If he is ready to marry you in the City Hall, go ahead and do it even if he is not all that excited about it. I can tell you that legally, his inner feelings does not carry enough weight if he does not publicly declare it by marrying you.

Assure him of your love, commitment and resolve to stay with him and work things out even in rough times. That is pretty much just what you can do but please get married if he is willing to do so.

Just my thoughts

August 2, 2005
11:51 am
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lita
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is he afraid of commitment, does he not want to settle down, does he treat you well, do you trust him, or do you think he is dealing with his own issues, and if he is only going to marry you because you want to get married, you should watch out because in the future if things go bad, and iam not saying they will but he might try to blaime you and tell you everything was fine the way they were untill you pushed for marriage, i hope things work out . keep your head up

August 2, 2005
3:55 pm
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kathygy
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I don't think the fact that your boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage says anything about his committment to you. What do his actions say? My brother was deeply and completely committed to his girlfriend and even had children with her but did not believe in marriage probably because of the chaos in my parents marriage. When she developed cancer he married her to protect tthe children. I have never seen a more committed man. I know of other men like this. So don't worry about it especially that he's willing to marry you anyway.

love,
kathy

August 2, 2005
4:34 pm
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artist 2
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Again I have to stick my opinion in here. I am highly skeptical of his reasoning of why he won't marry. Are you a mothering type? How much fathering does he do, and would he rather be taken care of?

Sorry, but it sounds to me as if he's having his cake and eating it too. He doesn't have to face the responsibility of staying committed to one person for the rest of his life. Hey, without this, he has the back door, the escape hatch open to him at all times.

I still think he fears comittment and that is why he won't marry you. I'm sorry you are in this, especially with a child...

August 2, 2005
9:03 pm
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22haha
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nattie - I have to say the my bf (ex) whatever he is... says those exact words. He lives with me (or did up until recently) and he is commited to me. He doesn't need to get married to show me he is commited. He also says that he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage. I guess mabe its an individual basis but for me - I think he is afraid to commit. Your fiance proposed to make you happy - does that mean he is not?? I hope things work out well. I am just speaking from my view.

August 3, 2005
12:00 am
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Wood Sorrel
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I have mixed feelings about marriage. Right now I am debating about whether or not to end mine.

It's kind of a unique situation. There was a time in my life I really wanted to meet the man of my life and marry him and live happily ever after. Until I thought I met that man and we moved in together. He seemed committed to me but didn't want to marry. At some point I realized that he didn't know what he wanted and for that and other reasons I won't go into I eventually left him (mostly because I didn't feel like he wanted me as much as I wnated him).

After that I resigned myself to not ever getting married until I was living in a different country and fell in love again there. The person I fell in love with was also not the marrying type and was also avid in his commitment to not commit (at least when it came to marriage). Ironically we ended up marrying because I needed a visa to stay in the country. It was actually his idea. And we were living together already and of course he didn't want to lose me just because of a technicality.

We didn't have a wedding, we just went to the marriage office. In fact we were so against the idea we wouldn't tell anybody about it for the longest time and kept referring to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Until we needed my familys support and his when we decided to come back to the US for financial reasons. Soon we felt married in a very conventional way when we had to stay with my family for a time and when we had to start referring to each other as married with all the bureaucracy we were faced with.

Sometimes feeling 'married' felt good because it felt like belonging to someone and someone belonging to you. But before long I started to feel trapped by it because when things got tough, it was legally and financially really hard to just up and leave. And then your family is involved and everyone you know. And they all take your relationship more seriously, cause now you are FAMILY and breaking up family is a painful thing for all involved.

Often I have just resented the idea of being married. I feel imprisoned, like it is forced on me. If we were not married I wonder sometimes if our relationship would be better because we would feel more like we were together because we chose it?!

The other irony is that we now both are photographing weddings for most of our income. So on a near weekly basis I see happy new couples declaring thier undying love for each other. While I am photographing them I have to fight back the tears. I think it is because I envy the point they are at when everything feels perfect and you think nothing can go wrong and that it is the easiest thing in the world to stay with that person forever. But I also see the stark difference between what they have and what we don't. And a part of me wants to do what they are doing and what we never did. To have that cheesey moment together. And then you see the old couples dancing together at the reception as if they had just gotten married too and they seem so young and in love themselves even after 30 or more years of marriage in some cases. And you can tell they aren't faking it. And I envy them too and think maybe I am just with the wrong person? Maybe it can really happen.

Of course those couples went through years of sh#@ to keep that together but in a way it gives a different depth to the relationship for having weathered the storms. As long as what you have is not ALL storms, or MOSTLY storms, than I guess maybe it can be okay?

Hope this helped!!

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