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what does it mean when a person cannot stay committed to one person?
August 6, 2007
7:29 pm
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luvnlife
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This is a 4 year series of events and I will try to make it as short and simple as possible.
I got a new job in July 2003. I had a new boss in september 2003. On day 3 of our new working relationship he was flirting. I was attracted to him as well so I flirted back. 4 years later we were married.
During the first 3 months of our relationship I found emails from the building where he had previously tranferred from. The emails revealed that he had a sexual relationship with a woman (I'll call her "L")who was married/separated. He had also ended this relationship in one of these emails, but the problem is that the time frame ibvolved a relationship with me. I confronted him and we worked through it.
A few months later I am living with him. I found a 3 year old journal of his. His journal revealed that he had at least 4 women that he was dating before I came into the picture. One of which was her. But all of these relationships came to an end except for L (until 2003).
2 years into our engaement I'm hearing rumors. There are new women working with us and I hear that he is dating them. What a mess. He denies it and denies it. Long story short it was true.
By this time I'm fed up. I leave for a while. After a while he convinces me that he is through with women and im the only one he wants and he wants to make me his wife officially on march of 06.
We marry. It is now Aug of 07 and Saturday I found emails from 3 different women since 2005. Things like "did you dream about me?" and " I am quite fond of you" and "stop by my office" etc.
I found out that he has been with alot of women at work at least 15-20 since he has been employed (13 years), but I have been the only one he has married. He has been married twice already and I am #3.
His mother abused and abandoned him until he was 5 and then he was loved and raised in a loving home with his aunt and uncle starting at 5 years of age.
He tells me that he has "issues" but he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am ready to leave. What do you think?

August 6, 2007
7:39 pm
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_anonymous
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Run baby run. Relationships are about feelings and there is no other way but bad to feel about what this man has done.
His issues are irrelevant to you. Good girl for coming up with the idea on your own to leave. Leave, the sooner the better.
You've come to the right place everyone here will see you through this.

August 6, 2007
7:43 pm
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SadMike
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Yep - leave the guy. If he will lie to you about that, he will lie to you about anything.

He may "spend" the rest of his life with you, but it won't be "with" you it will be "with" you and the other women. He won't unlearn or undo anything that he has done.

August 6, 2007
7:48 pm
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luvnlife
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Thank you Destiny. I know that it is the right thing to do. I just need to start the process. You know finances, finding a place to stay, etc. I am really going to need the help of you guys getting me through this. He said that he was done once he had married me and it has turned out to be a lie. I want to know why do you think he is this way. I'm not going back to him, but I want to know just for the sake of knowing.
Does he have some kind of codependancy or what? He told me that those women mean nothing to him and it is all about stroking his ego. Yet I can't believe a word he says. I just want to know why.

August 6, 2007
8:02 pm
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luvnlife
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Sadmike thank you as well. There is nothing more comforting than having support for a difficult decision. You are right, he will lie about anything. In fact I believe I have caught him in a few recently. Thanks again for your input and support.

August 6, 2007
9:45 pm
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fantas
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Luvnlife,

I can only guess that he must not believe he is lovable and must not love and respect himself. He therefore cannot love or respect anyone else he is with. As the others have said, it's time to run out of there. Other than the disrespect he has heaped on you with his cheating, he could infect you with all sorts of diseases!!!

Keep posting

August 6, 2007
10:05 pm
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penny lane
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Dear Luvnlife

This man has proven over and over again he cannot be trusted...how can you feel safe in this relationship? This man needs years of therapy to make things right for him...let alone anyone else.

Please care for yourself first and feel blessed there were no children from this union...and remember..it is not YOUR JOB to fix him...not even in the slightest. Good Luck...you are on the right road.

August 6, 2007
10:27 pm
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soofoo
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He's prob telling the truth about it being to "stroke his ego". But that's very selfish. And it also sounds like he might be trying to make you feel like if you did more stroking he'd do less cheating. This is a kind of emotional blackmail. It's amazing how brazen he is about the whole thing. Good riddance.

August 6, 2007
11:56 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Luvnlife:

Your guy has some pretty big problems and the key now- now that you recognize that this is ongoing- is to accept that HE has problems- and get the heck away from him. He may or may not change- but he has to want to and you can't do anything about that. He may even have a sexual addiction with the volume of women he engages with. This has been going on for a very long time, and as others mentioned you may be at risk of him giving you something deadly, like AIDS. Why take the chance? Its your life you're talking about. Is this really how you dreamed married life would be? Is this the very best you can give yourself?

There's a great book called "Dangerous Men and how to spot them" by Sandra Brown, and it is about recognizing men with problems- and being able to walk away when we see it, and not engage ourselves with their problems. I think it might help you. You can get it on Amazon.com.

SD

August 7, 2007
1:32 am
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_anonymous
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luvinlife- Please put the word
"Sociopath" into a search and read the definition. Then you will know why he is that way. He has no conscience. Everyone is a means to his end. He is impulsive. Everytime a man like that opens up his mouth a lie comes out. Maybe his definition of a marriage and a normal healthy persons definition of a marriage are 2 different things. You are just another pawn in his game called life. Dont take it personally. This is just how socipaths operate. Nothing you do or say will effect him. If you leave he will be mad because he cannot control you anymore.

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