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what does it mean to be codependent
June 22, 2009
8:13 am
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wireless28806
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Over the years Ihave had a strong desire to make sure people were being taken care of, they were always more important than me.. I wanted to love them, and they pushed me away.. I was abused, and that pain was love I thought.. Now at this point of my life, I can see where people can be more abusive, emotionally. I give in and give them me, and they are distant.. sometimes when they come after me, Ibecome distant. I think thatafter all the bs games and abuse, I justcant take it anymore and I justwant them to leave me alone so I stay with them caring, but at arms length...

June 26, 2009
10:47 pm
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positivetrooper
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You sound like me. I had to take step #1 and see a therapist that diagnosed me as codependent. She is having me read "Codependentcy no more"

It's time to say "NO" and start taking care of you.

It took me 32 yrs, to break that chain.

There's great support here, from what I see. This is my first day here, and it's great to talk to people who have this in common.

June 28, 2009
1:38 pm
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mia 1234
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Can anyone tell me how al-anon works. ive read where people can detatch with love from the alcoholic. can lead happy and serene lives while still living with the alcoholic.not fighting back with them so on and so forth.How can that be? When i was with my partner i almost had a nervous breakdown. My family could not stand the sight of him he caused so much grief. i never met one person that said stay with him if i wanted to .they told me run .I am an alcoholic also ,and he always drank around me, ive relapsed a couple of times.any peace i had in my head is gone,all that fear is back again.some days i feel responsible for him, i worry he is dead somewhere, i dont think he has anyone else to turn to, all his family have disowned him. he is 60. i am 48. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him , both of us sober,he said thats what he wants also, he is constantly drunk. ive lost my brother and sister to alcoholism i cannot take anymore. now i have another brother a chronic alcoholic. i feel like going off to another country to find peace. how can u love an active alcoholic when it hurts so much. Thanks ALL .

June 29, 2009
5:30 pm
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dredd
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I beleive it means you are so busy trying to fix someone else and their addictions you loose yourself. You become so wrap up in them that you are afraid of what will happen to them if you leave them. You forget about what it's doing to you.

This is what has happen to me. I'm trying to break free, and it's hard.

July 1, 2009
12:50 am
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atalose
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Mia,

Al-anon works like AA following the principals of the 12 steps. I don’t know too many people living with active addiction where they were able to detach and truly be happy and serene.

You mentioned that you don’t think he has anyone else to turn to, all of his family have disowned him. It sounds like his family detached from his addiction. I also worry for you thinking you are his only, the only person he may have……..this kind of thinking that we believe we are their only hope, their salvation and giving grace…….when we think like that we might as well just walk into the jail cell, close the door and toss the key as far away as possible.

Active alcoholics don’t have relationships they take hostages!!!!!

You are not his cure but you do have a choice if you want to remain a hostage or free yourself to save yourself.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 1, 2009
12:18 pm
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mia 1234
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atalose, Sometimes that's what he had me believe i was to blame for everything,then in the same breath he'd tell me he was responsible for destroying everything. each time i said mabey this is it he has finally seen the light ,only a short time again ,another arguement and hes drinking again,my fault again,. it's like a merry go round ,i could'nt get off. he had met up with a woman in a.a. she went to his house and drank with him, she denied it when i asked her, then she said thats what alcoholics do we lie. I mean what a load of cobblers. i believe he would go off with the first available woman , i dont trust him. thats all fine but why turn it arond on me. I pray to God i can free my self i dispise my self for putting my self through all this crap , the more contact i have with him the harder it is to b able to break free. i was sober a long time and gradually watching him drink all the time ,i was that strong any more. i drank a week ago , it was horrible, i do not want that sick way of life again. al anon meeting is on a monday night ,i will go . i have a couple of good friends who have been a great support,its hard for them to understand when they havent been in this situation, ; i really valued your opinion, you are really helping me, all of u .thank u so much. HUGS XX

July 1, 2009
3:42 pm
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atalose
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If you look at it as it’s part of HIS justification to blame you, to lie to you and deceive you about other woman. That’s how HIS addiction remains alive.

You remaining in contact with him is how YOUR addiction to him remains alive.

He’s not worth your sobriety, not worth your sanity. Until he decides for himself that he doesn’t want that sick way of life anymore he’ll continue and he’ll continue to lie, cheat and blame, that’s what addicts do. The other woman told you that, believe her!!!!!

Glad you are going to al-anon, that will help. How do you feel about going NO CONTACT with him? It’s kind of like getting yourself sober again, abstinence has be apart of your plan other wise your just gonna be spinning your wheels.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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