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What does a healthy relationship look like?
November 9, 2005
1:06 am
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Cooper
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Pleeeaaaassse believe me when I say I am so sorry that more women are out there like me. It is like a living hell some days and others is when I figure, ok, things are getting better and I have been overreacting.
"helpplease" you sound like me!
I have been working three jobs and can't get him to work one good one that brings home a good paycheck. He has a steady job and made good money, but said he was unhappy and needed another career. I thought if this will make our relationship better I will do whatever I could to make him happy and it just kept getting more. He would find these little jobs and tell the folks 'My wife is good at that, she'll work for you" AT one of my parttime jobs (in the office he works, when he works) has been giving him my check, he has been depositing them in "his" not "our" account. He takes money out of his account and has a pure fit if I spend money on anything other than food or bills.
He has all this time to go see the "other woman" to talk, and then tell me in such a way that at first he makes it sound like they had sex, then tells me he is joking.
He is drinking more and started smoking cigars, I hate both.
The worse he treats me the more I come beggin for more....
decided to go to Al-Anon this week, see if that helps.
Calling the lawyer this week too! or checking out other avenues...
One minute, I am strong the next, in an emotional rollercoaster, if I could just hang on to that minute.
Thanks and hugs to all for letting me vent, been doing it a lot lately...

November 9, 2005
4:00 pm
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kathygy
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cooper,

it sounds like you don't value yourself very much or you would not accept this treatment. You deserve to be treated with love and respect all of the time.

It also sounds like you have a very low bar for how you are treated and will accept any bad treatment.

To believe :
"I would rather keep what I have than to be without anyone". is a sign of very low self esteem and high codependence. It needs to be the other way around. I would much rather be alone than be with someone who devalues me.

You can take this time to build your self esteem and raise your expectations on how you deserve to be treated.

Take a realistic look at what you are getting from your husband and how he is treating you. Not a pretty picture. It doesn't matter how much you loved him in the begining. what matters is how he is treating you NOW and the answer is very poorly.

If you can't find the strength to leave this distructive marriage on your own then I suggest that you get the help of a therapist to build you up and help you realize you deserve so much more.

You should not have to tolerate such a miserable marriage.
You can be just fine on your own, even better. At least you'll be in good company.

November 9, 2005
4:21 pm
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artist 2
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kathyg, if you don't mind... and you have helped me in so many ways. I would like, with your acceptance to add to a point you made:

you said, "To believe : "I would rather keep what I have than to be without anyone". is a sign of very low self esteem and high codependence. It needs to be the other way around. I would much rather be alone than be with someone who devalues me."

I think rather that, no one wants to be alone. The difficulty is moving from being together, to being alone and seeing the sense and better in it. It's a natural need to want to cohabitate and to be around others.

The question is, "How do we get away from a person who is destructive to us, how do we move to being alone for our own good?"

November 9, 2005
7:43 pm
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Cooper
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That is the idea artist2, I really don't mind being alone for a while, not that I would want to do that forever.
It is just getting past the idea of taking care of someone or the idea the marriage is over and not blaming myself.
I keep trying to convince him that he doesn't love me like I need to be loved and that what he does is cruel/abusive. I seem to can't understand why he can't see that.
Why do I need to make him understand this?

November 9, 2005
10:04 pm
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helpplease
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cooper, the thing is that he doesn't need to understand it. the only one who needs to understand this is you. he might never understand. you can't really "make" anyone understand or do anything. they have to come to it on their own...that's my little two cents.

November 11, 2005
7:33 am
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Cooper
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I am sorry, It seems this thread turned into an "all about Cooper".

Thank you all for responding to me and giving me advice.

Now, I imagine a healthy relationship looking like where two people laught and share and one partner doesn't purposely hurt the other, but works the problems out for the better of the relationship.

That is what I want and throw in the romance too 🙂

It is been way too long.

((((Hugs to all))))

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