Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
What do you think--through_the_fire
August 2, 2009
11:03 am
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lanigirl,

While I feel a little uncomfortable if my friend is disappointed, you're right, she'll get used to my saying no, when I need to, and it will become easier.

I wish I had thought of that in the past-- mom only in group situations. That's a smart solution, offering you some protection.

I'm sorry that you suffered mental and physical abuse from her. I did as well from my mom. Did you take awhile before you could look at what had happened in your childhood? I seemed to blank out on it for a long time.

Your description of your mom sounds so much like mine--- holy crap. Recently I shared something personal with my mom, and she called and harassed me every other day about it! Just stopped taking calls.

It's a wonder we have relationships with people at all, don't you think?:) I think it take courage to share, when your mom is this sort of person.

Fire

August 3, 2009
9:28 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Through,

Good work! I keep repeating to myself, what works for me? Before, I would always think about what works for other people and I found that most folks ask themselves the first question.

It's taken years to think about what happened in childhood. I've been angry for so long because the abuse changed who I am and I've had to keep working on changing the damage that she caused. On another thread, I mentioned how she kept saying that she did the best she could (the other thing she says that I can't stand is that she only swatted us on the behinds. Hmmm, how do you explain the welts left on us?) and one day I realized that her best wasn't good enough to take care of me.

It's been very painful to realize that my Mother isn't the nurturing mother that would've helped me to grow up into a healthy adult. I can't trust her with me because she is so unhealthy. It has caused a lot of trust issues with other relationships.

In the last year, I've seen my Mother a couple of times and I talk to her on the phone but I get off if she says something negative.

Wow, she also would call a million times when I said something personal or if she had something in her head that she had to get across. Silence is much better from her.

Where are you in the process?

August 3, 2009
7:01 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lanigirl,

It is painful to realize the truth about one's mother. I feel like I get sucked in in minor ways these days. My mom laughs or seems less scary on the phone, and I know I hope against hope for some sort of change. It's beneath the surface and I don't think that will ever go away completely. How could it?

Five years ago in July I lost two mother figures in the same week--- women who I adopted and who adopted me wholeheartedly. Their deaths haven't been easy that's for sure. I find though that I recall them, their actions of love, and contrast it to whatever crap my mom pulls. It helps me to realize again and again that my mother doesn't mother. Now I don't think I have unrealistic or exaggerated expectations of my mother as a mother. I think it's as basic as not feeling/being loved or actually cared for.

One of my mother figures had to go out west to live with one of her sons when it was apparent she was dying. I called her an hour or so before the car was to come for her. I said, "E, I'll cancel class, I'll come and wait with you!" E said, "No, honey, that's not necessary. Be happy, sweetheart."

Wow.

Now she would still be a mom if she had said I should come over. It was her loving tone when she said, "Be happy, sweetheart"-- I couldn't even believe the power of the way she said that. She meant it at that moment when she had every right to think of herself.

Does this make sense?

So I'm in the process of thinking about all the great mothers-- and of how even without a child, I can be a mother figure. And as for that other "real" mother, I want to avoid her whenever she is trouble-- which is about 99.9 percent of the time.

Fire

August 5, 2009
9:49 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Fire,

I'm still not through being angry at my mother. It's taken years of therapy and I'm still not there.

How wonderful that you've gotten the chance to experience other mothers. I lost my second mom to cancer a year ago. She simply accepted whatever I did because I was me. I didn't have to perform with her and it was always a comfort to go see her. It's been a big hole in my life.

Right now, I've been laid off from a job and I've ended a bad relationship and I'm at odds. This is the time that I desperately crave a mother to support me. The biological one I have isn't the person to turn to. I'm feeling so worn out and hopeless at the moment.

August 7, 2009
5:59 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Lanigirl)))

I'm so sorry I just saw this--- I've been in the midst of family drama--- the mother-in-law's boyfriend this time.

I know the pain that exists in losing that nurturing second mother. I have tears in my eyes reading how you say it. That acceptance is healing. Sorry for your loss of her.

Damn-- job loss and a break up. How stressful. Laying off teachers--- ridiculous.

Did you suffer greatly in the relationship?

I know what you mean about wanting that mother support during a hard period. But she's not the one to go to. Ugh.

Today after the family drama I called an aunt of mine. I was seeking family comfort, but as usual was asked for my advice on several things. It was tiring, but at least I didn't go all out (as per Autumn's suggestion).

Do you have people you can lean on right now?

Please feel free to go into what you're feeling here.

(((Lanigirl)))

Fire

August 8, 2009
9:48 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Fire,

Thanks for your response. I'm going to a therapist right now.

Why are you part of drama with MIL's boyfriend? Why is it ok for your aunt not to listen to you?

The relationship was an affair. That in itself is shameful/pain. I picked another self-centered taker. I'm just feeling a lot of loss because I'm at the same place. I can't seem to heal my stuff.

August 8, 2009
10:30 am
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Lanigirl,

It is really hard stuff to heal from a childhood that didn't include nurturing. How'd the therapist go?

I had a relationship with a man who was living with a woman. He too, was totally self centered, a taker. I was totally into him.

I'm in my late 40s and my husband, the last 5 years, have been the only time I've felt like I'm in a mutual relationship. Only.

My mil's boyfriend, who has always been nice-- but a real co-dependent with my mil, yelled at my sister-in-law. Why? The boyfriend is blind and my sister-in-law wanted to vacuum behind the couch before the new couch got delivered. He freaked out.

I wasn't there when it happened, haven't seen or spoken to mil or her boyfriend, but the anger I have is enormous. I was hanging out with the good family members, including my sil, who is like the female version of my husband, sweet, loving--- and I just had moments when I wanted to cry.
It's hard to feel this stuff, to be triggered by the cruelty of others. I hate to admit it, but it makes me feel unsafe. That doesn't make sense because this old, blind guy isn't going to come after me!

I can imagine that the job loss and the break up are triggering you all over the place.

That past stuff of family, of mom is right there. I know it's good to feel stuff, instead of shoving it away. Little by little and with support.

I think when my aunt says stuff like I need your advice, you always know what to say to make me feel better, you're like a doctor...blah blah blah, I need to say something that indicates I'm not.

Doctor heal thyself! šŸ˜‰

Hang in there Lanigirl....and know that I get just how hard it can be.

(((Lanigirl)))

Fire

August 9, 2009
10:33 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Through,

Yeah, lots of stuff to sort through. It was a tough session with the therapist. I want to be done with it and move on but I guess I'm here 'cause I'm not done.

Why are you feeling unsafe? What is triggering feeling unsafe? Perhaps you could turn the stuff back onto your aunt, like asking her what her options are. Is my feeling correct that she usually takes up most of the conversations with her stuff?

Being molested by my stepfather and abuse by my Mom had me feeling unsafe for years. Even as an adult, there were times when I felt uneasy in the shower because my Mother had pulled me out of the shower to beat me over something trivial.

I am angry at her for having the power to punish me in a brutal manner and feeling like I have no say in the matter. Had to fit that in because I'm supposed to be getting all this anger out so it's not choking me anymore.

I have to repeat to myself that I'm an adult now, I have the right to be safe, and I can take care to make myself safe.

August 9, 2009
3:43 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Lani,

Your saying this

"I have to repeat to myself that I'm an adult now, I have the right to be safe, and I can take care to make myself safe."

is really a good reminder and exactly what I need to do. This is the essential core of it.

It was the mil's boyfriend freaking out on my sil that had me feeling unsafe. I thought he was a reasonable, kind person, although I always wondered what he was doing with my crazy mil. The thing is he's messed up too.

I think things like this remind me of the lack of power when we're children. The thing is I feel myself not wanting to see him or my mil for a good long time. It's almost an aversion now. Your having that flashback or memory in the shower shows just how the trauma is still present and in need of healing. It's like the abuser still lives in our house, our consciouness! Makes me mad!

Was your mother ever aware of your stepfather being a molester?

How to grow a sense of being able to take care, of protecting ourselves? We obviously do so on many levels, but emotionally I some times tune out or pretend the fear isn't there. Listening and taking care of others makes it seem like I don't really have the fear. But it's there. Great.

Fire

August 10, 2009
9:56 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would like to encourage you in your choice to not see your MIL for a long time and if you'd like, tell her why.

I'm very aware that I have stress similar to soldiers that come back from war. I have to make the choice over and over not to step into a situation that isn't safe for me until it becomes a practice that is automatic (oh, to see that day!).

Mother is aware but of course takes no responsibility even though she had seen signs of it. Better to just blame him. It helps a lot that he died.

Exactly, listening to others makes it feel like I have a handle on things because it distracts from myself.

August 11, 2009
10:28 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

All this awareness of how I really feel, rather than just occupying myself with the problems of others, has me angry.

Gee, this is supposed to be better? šŸ™‚ Sure doesn't feel like it.

Thanks for encouraging me regarding my mil. I didn't go with my husband to her house today. He told me she inquired as to where I was. Her boyfriend gave him big fake smiles... I don't think I'll tell her why-- I don't want to engage with her.

I'm angry because a committee I'm chairing has left the majority of the work to me (the chair). I'm going to report the work just as it occurred-- or didn't-- to the dean.

I'm angry because my mother cares more about some stranger she met on the internet, then me. Who am I fooling? She cares more about herself than anybody--- and she doesn't even do that very well.

I'm angry because a friend I don't talk to often imitated my voice several times in our phone conversation. I called her annoying, but she did again. The truth is-- I don't really trust her, and I don't want her over next week (in spite of another friend saying "oh maybe it's the full moon...")

I'm angry because my mil and her boyfriend caused my bil to cut his vacation short (the drama with them was too much), and my sil, who I love, isn't travelling here this week. I don't blame her for avoiding them, but this reminds me how isolated everyone can become when they're connected to abusers.

I'm angry because this breast doctor wants me to come in after I've already gotten the results from a radiologist, so that I run around every couple of months with mammograms and sonograms, going to pick up films and after getting the results, visiting the doctor too (for a couple of hours). Screw that and his making money and taking my time! I'll go through my gynocologist, get the tests I need, and only see a doctor if the radiologist recommends further follow up.

I don't expect people to read all my anger lists--- but I just need to get it out tonight.

Oh and I'm angry because I'm so peri-menopausal! Mood changes, libido changes, changes all over the place!

And I'm not going to proofread this! Screw that.

Hope you're well, Lani.

Fire

August 11, 2009
11:28 pm
Avatar
autumn128
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((fire))))

I read this post even though I don't always comment. I am sooooooooo proud of you for being so loving and so honest about how you feel.

Your family. Your Sil. how great she is. Your mom and MIL. yuck.

As for your work Fire, well from what you have said, not a bunch of organized people looking out for everyone's interest!!!!

Autumn

August 12, 2009
9:50 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Through,

Way to go! So glad you didn't subject yourself to MIL. Life is too short.

I get it - I'm not feeling the greatness of focusing on me. It's uncomfortable and doesn't feel good.

Oh, the teaching stuff. Good for you for leaving as is. Teaching brought out the worst codie traits in me - I either took over and was resented or left the stuff undone (I learned to have the concerned look that the others had that didn't do anything).

My Mother didn't meet someone on the internet but she has been married 3 times. The message from her has always been clear = the men are the ones that count. A very sickening feeling.

If you don't trust your friend, then what's the point of keeping up the friendship?

I'm re-evaluating the friendships I have. My H and I are doing an 8 hour drive to visit friends. I invited a friend of mine over. It would be an hour drive to meet us there. She said she can't do it because of money issues. I've schlepped up to see her many times and now I see it's very one-sided.

Another friend of mine had her phone turned off. I sent her a note and it was returned. She casually told me that she had moved to Georgia.

It makes me angry that I feel the need to be connected to them and they don't feel the same.

I'm so angry that I'm attending a Union meeting because the Union reps don't know what to do.

August 12, 2009
6:43 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI--

(((Autumn))) thanks so much-- what a nice post to read when I'm in such a foul mood. It's like-- go ahead--- feel what you feel, woman... Thanks...

This committee is just sucky as hell. Everyone in this group thinks review my work, so I can be done. But only myself and my g/f colleague give feedback. It's a helluva lot of work. Hey Lani, I said by 5 tomorrow it all goes to the dean, one way or the other.

You're right about teaching being a codie job. It's just so not worth sacrificing your health and emotional well being for people who don't give a shit--- I'm talking about students here. Of course there are a number who do, and I care about the subject matter. But I just don't see myself giving my last ounce of blood anymore. I'm not a teacher who craves popularity, but I so want students to care and engage. Screw them, if they don't. It's not my problem if I've put everything into place.

Wow-- where'd that come from? Still mad.

That sucks that for your mom the men matter. It is the same way with mine. She wanted a boy, she's let me know. Their loss. What fools.

It's important to see where your friendships are, if they're balanced. Maybe the money issues are real? Perhaps just inertia and knowing you'll make the effort?

I travelled 7 hours by bus/train/car to see my family over the years. I had tremendous guilt if I couldn't make it. It didn't occur to me until recently and a few came to my home after 20 years--- that that is wacky as hell. They had never seen my home as an adult. No family member of mine were at our wedding. Screwed up.

God, what to do with being pissed off? I can't stay mad for weeks, can I?

It sounds to me Lani that you want close, good friendships--- nothing wrong with that. A lot of people keep things very casual and superficial. But you deserve what you really want--- and it does exist.

Any thoughts about what will happend with the union meeting--- and why is it that reps are so nampby pamby? Could you or have you filed a grievance?

Not proofing......so here it is.

Fire

August 17, 2009
8:16 pm
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Through,

Hope you stuck with submitting the stuff by 5.

I spent a lot of time focusing on the students that didn't care rather than the students that did (that was helped by NCLB stuff). I had started to shift my focus after a couple of year. Go ahead, rant a little. Hard to care so much when you have to dig deep for a response.

Sure, stay mad for weeks. It helped me just not invest in family stuff.

Yeah, money issues are real but there is definite lack of effort on her part. That just isn't working for me anymore.

The union's hands are tied. The district can simply say no to their requests. It's disturbing but I'm going to continue pressing on for now.

August 18, 2009
9:46 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lani,

It's so crazy that a union's hands are tied when it comes to the district. So crazy I can't stand the whole educational system.

Yeah, I submitted the stuff. The dean hasn't noticed that the one guy hasn't done anything. But he will, as the guy is on some sort of work stoppage. Maybe he has a substance abuse problem--- or maybe he just got burned out already. That's very possible.

Still feeling pretty aggravated. I think too I'm hormonal--- or peri-menopausal-- I constantly feel like I'm PMSing except for a few days a month.

It was driven home the other night when I talked to my grandmother that she is totally vain at 86, just like she was at 56 and so on. That might seem "cute" when someone is as old as she is--- and good looking, as she is--- but I tell you, it wears off fast.

I don't get it-- I don't invest or spend a lot of time occupied with family, but I'm boiling mad like they live next door!

Your friend's lack of effort is something to pay attention to-- you're right. Too often I make excuses.

Fire

August 19, 2009
7:10 pm
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Through,

The educational system is a definite crazymaking institution. Well, as long as it's the dean's job to notice and you don't have to point it out. However, on the flip side, I'll miss starting the new school year.

I only have regular contact with my sister. My therapist keeps driving home how angry I am at my family, even when I'm away from them.

Thanks. On another thread, a person pointed out that my friend uses people. Wow, that hit home. I tend to stick with people that use me. For now, I'm doing some things for me. I bought some herbs and flowers today and got my hair cut. That's all I want to handle at the moment.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110924
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38537
Posts: 714209
Newest Members:
delight1080, laticia1, Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer