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what do you do with the anger?
October 12, 2008
11:34 pm
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lotsoflove
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September 27, 2010
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i was sexual molested when i was four and sometimes, like today, i get extremely depressed and begin thinking of suicide.

i don't think it's really the right time for me to die.

but then i start thinking about this man who made me feel so ashamed about myself, so wrong, and so incredibly frightened and sad and i get very angry. i get very angry bc it is this incident in my life that has made it so difficult for me to feel safe, not threatened by people, even friends.

it has made me extremely isolated with people in general, but more specifically in terms of intimacy. i feel really lost. i would like a boyfriend, but the last man i slept with began with a date rape. and the lovely guys that give me those "i want you" looks -- i shy away from bc reciprocation means sex to me. i also have a background that doesn't include a father or any male role models in my house. after divorcing my father my mother never dated -- she said men were babies.

maybe it's just a patience thing, but i'm 28 and i've never had a boyfriend or any intimate relationship. i find it difficult to get to a point where i trust a man enough to confide in him my history and my lack of ability to easily jump in the sack with him. what should i do with my anger towards the man that molested me when i was four and how it seems to be affecting my relationships with all "potential" men? i guess the whole thing is hard, i'm not really looking for answers bc i've learned it's rare that there are any that are so simple.

October 13, 2008
12:10 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((Lotsoflove))))

Welcome to AAC! I'm glad you posted.

Recovering from sexual abuse is difficult but possible. No easy answers here, sorry. But I can give a ton of support, compassion and lots of encouragement. What you are experiencing is common to many people who are in a similar situation.

Have you gone to counseling? I would recommend it. If you don't already have one, I'd encourage you to try to find one that fits you. I was turned off from counselors for the longest time because most of them just didn't fit who I am.

I too have dealt with abuse and am working to recover. A good counselor can help a great deal in gaining the life you want to have. You are worth it.

I've come a long way from where I was. I understand your anger and lack of trust. I'm still learning how to deal with some of that, but have made great progress over the years. Life can get better. Don't give up. You have the ability to get through this.

Keep posting!

Sending you understanding and comfort for your journey,
Chelonia

October 13, 2008
12:38 am
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lotsoflove
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thanks chelonia -- i have gone to counseling, maybe i just didn't find the right person.

i'll try again but with someone different. am i really able to recover from this? bc it's not a physical disease, but something emotional. with help it'll hopefully get better. i hate feeling this way. the misery and isolation can stop i have to believe that. it takes so much work, so much work. and then i start feeling resentful, do you feel this way? i feel like i isolate myself more from my friends if i confide in them so i'm trying to stop.

i read that ppl can sue they're perps in illinois. i kind of wish i could do that.

October 13, 2008
12:59 am
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chelonia mydas
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Yes you can recover from this. I am and many others here and elsewhere are. It just takes persistence and work. You can't change the past, you will always be a victim of abuse. But you can change your perspective, your attitude, how you choose to handle your present life. You didn't have control as a 4 year old girl; but you DO have control as an adult woman. You just need to heal that little girl inside you who is still hurting and afraid. You need to make sense of a sensless and cruel act. Your present and future are full of possibilities that do not need to be defined by your abuse. But because that little girl is so in need of healing right now, so much of your life is influenced by it.

Sometimes you can't do it alone, which is the cycle that some folks get stuck in. They don't trust, so they isolate themselves from the help they need, which spirals down into poor relations with others with reinforces that people aren't trustworthy, which causes more isolation etc.

You have the courage to step out of that cycle. Its not easy or comfortable. Actually for me it was downright terrifying, but it didn't kill me and in the long run it made me a much happier person.

Keep trying out different counselors until you find someone that feels right to you. For a while I thought I was suppose to trust them in the first session, then it dawned on me that I didn't trust anyone, so it was unrealistic to think that I was going to trust them from day 1. Once I went with someone that felt comfortable, then I worked on my trust issues and was able to work on some other stuff too.

I also read self help books and have found lots of support on sites like this. Have you thought of group counseling? That might be a way to work on it too. Realizing that you are not alone can also be helpful. I also find that when I help others, I often can better see the same thing in myself.

Just keep trying different things, don't give up. Not everything works for everyone. You have to just find what works for you. Take care of yourself.

Sending you strength, Chelonia

October 13, 2008
2:02 am
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fantas
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September 29, 2010
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(((lotsoflove))), Welcome to the site. You aren't alone. Therapy is a huge start on this journey and attending meeting of adult survivors of sexual abuse will also be helpful. I know it's difficult but you need to allow yourself to feel your anger over your father, the rapist ans all other hurts without judgement or expectations. There is no timeline for healing. We get there when we are ready to. Find a helpful/healing to express the pain like therapy, writing a letter to the perpetrators even if you do not mail them to them if you don't have the courage.

Also, start documenting all the things you have done well and accomplished thus far and acknowledge yourself for that. There is nothing too small to be acknowledge. In my opinion, your coming to this site to seek help or talk to someone is a huge accomplished, deciding to value your life is another huge one, acknowledging your pain is yet another one.... You get the point.

Keep posting and reading these threads there is a great deal of wisdom here.

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