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What Do You Do When You Have That Icky Feeling
July 21, 2009
8:44 am
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I have written before about my cousin coming over to my dad's house and staying. At first it didn't bother me because we would talk about my dad and it helped me heal from my dads death. Then one night he came in my bedroom and touched me. I wrote about it here. Another night I ended up at my house by myself and he started to come in my bedroom. I sat up in bed and asked him straight up if he needed something. He volunteered to help me move. I didn't ask him. Last week he came over after I told my aunt that I was moving. It is like he came to scavenge, but he did volunteer to help move. He came back on Saturday and helped, then he came back yesterday and wanted to go back to the house my father had owned and get some things. First off this is like the tail wagging the dog because I haven't asked for any of this help but there it is. He makes me extremely uncomfortable. Yesterday I packed up what was left of a pot roast and gave it to him to take home for dinner with his mother.

Here I am on these threads telling people to scream it from the roof tops if anyone gives them that icky feeling yet I am 41 years old in my own home feeling icky and can't do anything about it because it would hurt my aunt too much. I was really not very nice to him yesterday and he left. Then I felt guilty...what the hell? I felt like a stone cold bitch for accepting his help but wanting him to leave. Why am I allowing this?????

How do you say to someone You make me uncomfortable and I don't want you in my house.

Bitsy

July 21, 2009
8:58 am
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atalose
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Sounds like guilt is keeping you involved with this “icky” person. Just because he is your aunt’s son doesn’t mean you need to allow him close to you.

Sometimes we don’t need to tell someone we are uncomfortable with them instead we just detach, we learn to use the words “no thanks”. We become less needy and unavailable for their unwanted help. We allow our actions to speak what doesn’t always need to be verbalized.

Even though you didn’t ask for his help you didn’t tell him no either, we can’t have it both ways other wise we just end up frustrated and angry. Trying to please your aunt by allowing her son to help you isn’t helping you is it? I’m sure it makes your aunt feel good because she loves you and worries. But if you showed her how strong and independent you have become the less she will interfere in your life by sending you her son.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 21, 2009
9:20 am
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Thanks Atalose. Seeing someone else write it all out helps. I think over the past year I have gotten much more independent. The other day he walked up behind me and put both his hands on my shoulders and my skin just crawled. I was in a room full of people.

I think "detach" was the word/action I was looking for.

Makes you look at the other side of when you are offering help too, doesn't it?

Bitsy

July 21, 2009
9:21 am
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bonni
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Hi Bitsy,
What would hurt your Aunt? knowing the truty about your cousin or your unwillingness to accept a situation that makes you uncomfortable?

My guess is that you can't quite put your finger on what it is about him that makes you uncomfortable. I don't think you can tell someone they make you feel uncomfortable without being able to be specific about what they need to stop doing.

I think that just leaves limiting the time you spend around him as an option. If he comes over without calling, you can tell him he has to call first. Then, only say yes when you know you have an easy way to cut it short - some place you have to be a reasonable time after he would arrive.

No more sleepovers. You've thought about it and you just aren't comfortable having a man sleepover, even if he is your cousin. It doesn't feel right.

Take what seems like it would work from this.

bonni

July 21, 2009
9:24 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Bitsy,

Good job - no one has the right to make you uncomfortable. I've been working on giving myself the permission to tell the person to their face that I don't like what they're doing and if they continue, I need to tell someone about it. That has stopped most cold in their tracks.

July 21, 2009
9:46 am
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hi bitsy. i used to be like u too when someone take care of me so much. and it ends up being me left alone and regret. i used to have a very close/best friend. she always there for me espiacially when im feeling down and sad. there was a time when she borrowed her money to me although she doesnt have enough money. but i took her for granted. i started feeling bored about her always giving me the very best care and love. so it ends up being me lonely and regrets. now, i have got nobody to turns to whenever i get down. (sorry if u couldnt understand my english)

July 21, 2009
10:11 am
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Thanks guys. I just needed confirmation of what I was already thinking. It makes Cat uncomfortable as well. She has figured out how much he drinks and he is using me as an excuse for a place to drink away from his mother. Cat doens't like him around. Too bad you can't pick your relatives and this one only started "being nice" to me last year after my dad died. He "promised my dad to look after me". Bull shit. My dad would have no more asked somebody to look after me than the man on the moon. My dad thought he raised a strong independent woman who only depended on him in a crisis.
Things are starting to become clearer. " It just isn't convenient today. I have a lot of work to get done that I am behind on...."

Bitsy

July 21, 2009
12:54 pm
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readyforachange
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(((Bitsy))) I say, follow your gut on this one. Yours and Cat's. If he makes you both uncomfortable, I would make every excuse to keep him out of your house. If he continues to come around, I think you may have to tell him that he needs to call first and let you know he is coming. That way, you can control when and where you see him. Just a thought...

You are strong and independent, and part of that is looking out for yourself when you know something is not healthy for you and your daughter. Family or not, he doesn't have the right to make you uncomfortable. No matter what his motive.

July 21, 2009
2:14 pm
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This guy has overstepped HEALTHY boundaries by entering your bedroom, uninvited. That is totally over the line.

Cut him off. You owe NO ONE an explanation or an apology.

- Ma Strong

July 21, 2009
9:00 pm
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My computer crashed thos morning so I used the day to have utilities turned off at the other house. I had a lot of running around to do. Somehow cousin managed to pull in my driveway right behind me. He had been to load up his truck at my dads house. I just stood in the driveway and garage and talked to him. He finally just left. Enough is enough. Thanks guys!

Bitsy

July 21, 2009
9:03 pm
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My computer crashed thos morning so I used the day to have utilities turned off at the other house. I had a lot of running around to do. Somehow cousin managed to pull in my driveway right behind me. He had been to load up his truck at my dads house. I just stood in the driveway and garage and talked to him. He finally just left. Enough is enough. Thanks guys!

Bitsy

July 22, 2009
11:52 am
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Guess wko was at my house at 6:30 this morning. He was going to my dads to scavenge more stuff. He wanted to borroiw the trailer. I asked why and told him I would need it back asap. He acted put out but left. I had a meeting this morning and left the house. When I got back he had dropped some things off

Bitsy

July 22, 2009
11:54 am
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atalose
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Bitsy,

Is he cleaning out your fathers home for you? Is he dropping things off you wanted that were your fathers?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 22, 2009
12:22 pm
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No that is just it. I told my aunt that I had a garage sale to get rid of some of the things I did not want. She started tearing up that I practically gave his stuff away and wouldn't let anyone in the family (who had never really been part of my life) have anything. Next morning there he was at 7:30. I haven't asked for any help and what he has done is pretty much scavenge anything I didn't sell or want and question me about what I did the the generator. I kept it. Where is it? At my ex mil's. Why? That is where I will go if there is a hurricane. Where is the air compressor? I sold it. This was MY fathers syuff. I can do as I damn well please with it. I know in his brain he thinks he is helping. But this is stuff I would expect from a husband not a cousin. He is acting as if he has a right to this stuff and I am the selfish bitch. My privacy and my space is being invaded and I am currently living in a more upscale neighborhood. I don't need a drunk guy on my patio early in the morning for all the neighbors to think I am handing out booty calls and I don't need to fill the garage up with so much junk I have to park on the street. Whew who knew I had so much venom in me

Bitsy

July 22, 2009
2:09 pm
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atalose
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As dysfunctional as he is, his marching orders are coming from his teacher (your aunt). She teared up about you giving your own fathers stuff away? Sounds like she has some resentment of her own and is using her own son against you, or at the very least to do her dirty work. Sending him to your house to pick up what ever, is her way of trying to control something, anything, because she was your dad’s sister.

I’d give her a call thank her for all her help and her sons and make it a point to say there is nothing left here to do, he doesn’t need to come over anymore but if I need his help I will ask. Also make it clear that you don’t like it when people just show up unannounced and that if she could remind him to call before coming over you’d appreciate it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 22, 2009
2:22 pm
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You are right but I would like to take the chickens way out and hope that now that there is nothing left he just won't come back over. I made it a point to tell her before that I bougjt a weedeater that I coulkd handle so I didn't have to depend on anyone else to do it for me. Then she wanted to know what I did with the old one. Sold it to pay for the new one. I told one uncle what I had done and told him if there was anything he wanted to come get it. His response was probably the best. .. Thanks but no I don't need or want anything. I can damn well guarantee its a good thing I had the garage sale before I told anyone or I wouldn't have had anything to sell

Bitsy

July 23, 2009
9:56 am
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This morning as I was getting dressed. I was suckered in by my fathers family again and I was "molested" by a family member again. I thought my cousin and aunt really cared about me. Maybe my aunt does but she will drop me like a hot potato over her son.

What was/is it about me that made him think I would welcome his advances or the he could even make a pass at me? Is it any wonder that I am so uncmfortablr around men? I was molested as a child by a family member. I never dated in high school. I have only dated three men in my life. And now I trusted my cousin and he crossed the line. What is wrong with me?

Bitsy

July 23, 2009
10:11 am
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atalose
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Bitsy,

What do you mean that this morning while getting dressed you were suckered in by your father’s family again and “molested” by a family member again?

Was your cousin at your home this morning, did he attempt to do something to you?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 24, 2009
12:56 pm
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Yesterday when I was at the store I picked up a reaaly pretty thank you card and thought I would write a nice thank you and send it to my aunt. What do you think? I nice way to thank her for the last year and to let her know that I am going to be fine now? Haven't seen nor heard from cousin since wednesday morning which is fine by me.

Bitsy

July 24, 2009
2:17 pm
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atalose
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I think that’s a great idea and with the emphases on, you are doing great and will be just fine.

Glad you haven’t had to deal with your cousin, you had me very worried with that other post!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 24, 2009
3:05 pm
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My computer crashed and I am posting from me cell phone. I can't really proof.what I write. I was thinking that figuratively I was molested. I talked to a friend yesterday who told me she has gotten a bad vibe from him as well. He hasn't been back and really there is no reason for him to come back

I think I am really doing fine by myself.

Bitsy

July 25, 2009
8:05 pm
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I went out tonight to mow my lawn and I have no gas cans. He took all my gas containers. My dad had about 4 and I now have noneQ!!!!!!

Bitsy

July 31, 2009
8:10 am
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My ex husband called to tell me that my Cousin B gave him the heebie jeebies and to let me know "his daughter" Cat was NOT to be left alone with him. OK...so I am right to feel this way. My friend, my ex husband and my daughter all validated the way I was feeling.

Bitsy

July 31, 2009
9:41 am
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Hey Bitsy,

So glad that your ex and you can agree on not leaving your daughter alone with this guy. He sounds like a real creep.

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