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what do you consider cheating????
May 6, 2005
10:36 am
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Deena
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Do you consider kissing cheating? I do, however I wanted some opinions. My sister has been with her bf for 6 years, just bought a house together. Well, she just found out for the past 2 weeks he made a new "friend". They exchanged numbers and have been talking. He admitted to her they kissed. He seems very apologetic and is generally a good guy so this is a little out of his charater. What do you think? Cheating is cheating, right?

May 6, 2005
10:40 am
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CAMER
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Deena, i agree, kissing to me would be "cheating".....even if he didn't kiss the gal, for him to go out and have an intimate non/sexual relationship..would be "sneaky" to me and would cause "emotional cheating"...either way, its not good.

May 6, 2005
10:46 am
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sewunique
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While Jimmy Carter was President, he mentioned he cheated, because he 'lusted in his heart' and admittied to cheating in that form. But he was coming from his religious background on what cheating meant.

May 6, 2005
10:47 am
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Anonymous
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Kissing isn't cheating to me, I think that it could be grounds for a huge argument but I don't consider it cheating. I consider major sexual actions cheating.

May 6, 2005
10:51 am
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sewunique
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CHEATING is giving or taking anything away from what is owed or expected to be in a relationship.

For example, if you spend time with another person that takes away time from your spouse or girlfriend or kids to spend time having coffee with a special friend, that can be considered cheating.

There was a book written by a Rabbi I found in the library. He spoke about infedility in a marriage. This is what he alluded to; that to spend time with another, even just coffee and talking can be cheating if you do not do this with your spouse. You should be talking and sharing those intimate fun things and secrets with yuur significant other, not another.

May 6, 2005
10:57 am
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sewunique
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Okay, Aces, let's ask this to ponder. If you have a serious relationship with someone. I mean a committed one.

Then he takes another gal out to a movie, they hold hands in the movie, he puts his arms around her and lands a big smooch on her. Is that okay for you?

So that was okay, and he begins to call her, they spend time with each other while you sit at home, alone, and they go for coffeee, do errands together, so on and so on. Is that cheating? Sounds like a relationship building to me. If you are committed to a realtionship, or married, would you not consider that cheating? Or just harmless kissing and spending time with her and not you?

May 6, 2005
11:02 am
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Anonymous
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AHHH My lovely sew, we have the best conversations, WELLLLLL, I wouldn't say it was OKAY with me, but I would say that I wouldn't believe it to be cheating. I might not find a lot of things "okay" but I certainly wouldn't put it in the category of cheating.

You have to keep in mind Sew, I am not the most faithful either. I could esaily justify myself going out with someone in the scenario you just described. I guess to me if someone wants to cheat, then I find that just sad that they couldnt end things FIRST, or at least just tell me.

I know that like myself others might have problems being faithful, but I don't consider kissing cheating.

i guess it is more the INTENT of what the person really wants that would get to me.

May 6, 2005
11:16 am
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Worried_Dad
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I consider it cheating when US president tells me that a foreign government is stockpiling chemical, biological and nuclear weapons as a pretext for invasion and occupation, killing more than 100,000 civilians killing our own soldiers needlessly, while cutting their benefits, and then it turns out that there never were any weapons of mass destruction in the first place.

May 6, 2005
11:22 am
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sdesigns
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Another thing to consider is that sometimes we consider someone to have cheated when in fact we did not have a committed relationship, only thought we did. If that has not been established, then then is no cheating. We only think cheating has occurred, but we have only cheated ourselves by making assumptions that the relationship was something it wasn't.

May 6, 2005
11:24 am
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Anonymous
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VERY true SD very true.

many times if it isn't established on exclusivity, then it shouldn't even be a question.

Most people will easily USE that a an excuse though.

May 6, 2005
11:28 am
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addicts wife
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maybe I'm "old fashiooned" But Kissing is cheating, going out and meeting is cheating If theres all that inuendo stuff flying around, and although I have been called a flirt, there are different kinds of flirting.
I'd be horrified if my hubby went out to meet with some little tartlette, and if they kissed... Forget about it. I'd throw up.

May 6, 2005
11:28 am
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sewunique
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Ah, so true, SD. What we may consider as 'ours' may not be so.

So perhaps as WD stated, that our government is not truly committed to its people? Or a president does and says what he pleases only to please others he may be committed to, not you or me?

Aces, if you may not be 100% in a relationship, then are you really cheating?

May 6, 2005
11:31 am
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sewunique
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Pure and simple in my book; cheating is like lying. You lie to me, you are cheating me of the truth. This can be by omission of the truth as well.

May 6, 2005
11:33 am
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addicts wife
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well, also , when in my early 20's Iwas dating a coupl people, but NOT sleeping with ANY one.. so is that considered cheating?? I didnt think so, we were all just going out,Not "going out-out" we left the house together.. Ok.. i answered my own question... but I'll still post it for some reason... gotta cut out the coffee, on my 2nd pot.
LOL "Oh well"

May 6, 2005
11:35 am
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Deena
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wow...lot's of good thoughts. I myself consider it cheating. It's a totally committed relationship of 6 years. If he didn't get caught..what would have happened? Like I told her...something was there, flirting, phone calls, going out for drinks, then kissing. Trust is gone. He cheated.

Aces..has this happened to you? I find it hard to beleive that anyone could think of someone they loved kissing passionately someone else and being okay with it.

May 6, 2005
11:38 am
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sewunique
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Aces, my friend, if a man kissed me, I would take it as friendly interest. And if that kiss was one with attraction, you better believe I would pursue it!!!

Course, taking it from where I am right now, that could open to a full blown scenerio. Better to leave that one alone.

May 6, 2005
11:46 am
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LouWho
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Yes. Kissing is cheating.

However, they are not married & buying a house.

Unless they are real estate investing partners, I'd be more worried about that.

May 6, 2005
11:48 am
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Deena
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yeah I know Lou...they already bought the house and moved in last month. That's more of an issue.

May 6, 2005
11:56 am
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sewunique
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Deena,

Maybe this is the bigger problem here and what seems to be the norm for today's values and mores.

Before being committed to a long term relationship, with marriage in mind, many people today do things in the reverse order.

Get pregnant, or not, live together, buy a house together, then maybe marriage.

Perhaps going backwards in these situations, it has become so accepted that society is really messed up and loose morals abound as the expected.

No wonder people are messed up!

Then many say marriage is not all it is played out to be either.

May 6, 2005
12:08 pm
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animalcracker
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As far as values and morals, in my opinion, times change. I don't think it's a bad thing, but definitely something that needs to be recognized.
Cheating? I think a good rule is that if you are spending time with someone other than your significant other, you should pretty much imagine that he/she is watching you from across the room, and ask yourself if what you are doing would bother him/her. Not that I think your "other" would be spying... just that it it feels sneaky and may hurt someone, don't do it. Also, if you feel the need to have these intimacies with another, then there is something missing from your current relationship. Before confiding in someone else, talk to your partner.
I also think that couples really need to be blunt and talk about what each of them considers okay or not okay in a relationship. Too often, we "expect" people to act in a way as not to hurt us, but we have never actually sat down and reached an agreement about these things.
In response to the old definition of cheating, in which it is actually cheating if you spend time with another, without your partner present. I disagree. I think platonic relationships (opposite sex or not) are necessary and healthy. If there is trust from both ends, this will not be a problem.

May 6, 2005
12:49 pm
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Anonymous
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I never said I would be okay with someone I cared for kissing someone else, and trust me there would be words for that, but I am not sure I would for myself consider it cheating.

I guess because I am very open minded on these things, probably because I have done them.

It would make me a hypocrite to act offended at them when I myself do them.

I most certainly would NOT be okay with someone I cared for doing that though, just as I am sure it is NOT okay when I have done it.

May 6, 2005
4:24 pm
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BamBam
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A very good rule of thumb to live by:

If you have to lie about it, chances are you ought not be doing/saying it!!

May 6, 2005
4:52 pm
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Deena
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Bam....that's good and very true!!!

May 6, 2005
7:19 pm
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Ardeth
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I do concider it cheating. They have a six year relationship..and I think it is exclusive (meaning just them two and no third or fourth party). As to going for a coffee with someone and talking (even if they are opposite sex) is NOT cheating. I know that woman and men can be friends and just friends.

I concider cheating being with someone else and acting and feeling that they are in a FORM of relationship that one or both people have other relationships. So it can be going to the movies and snuggling and holding each other hands (even though there is no actual intercourse) is still cheating..

Wow..what a intresting question..we all have a slightly different view on what is cheating..Intresting..

Now, if someone is chatting online with someone (miles away) and talking intimate is that cheating??

May 6, 2005
7:19 pm
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woundedspirit
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Great thoughts. I think animalcracker spoke my mind as well. I think people can be unfaithful even if they've never met in person. Online for example. If the "friendship" becomes even emotionally intimate, ex: sharing things with each other that should be shared with only the partner, spending more time and better quality time than with partner, someone else to turn to for emotional "comfort" when things are going bad in a relationship...I think it can be unfaithful. Even if its only a friendship but its done behind the partners back, I think its unfaithful. I think it crosses lines and tempts fate. This is all assuming it is a committed relationship. Cheating? I dont know. But atleast unfaithful. If that makes sense.

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