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WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS
February 9, 2006
6:12 pm
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evalou
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I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS TO A GOOD MAN. HE DOES NOT DRINK OR RUN AROUND. HE WORKS HARD AND WAS NEVER HOME MUCH WHEN THE KIDS WERE YOUNG. NOW THAT THEY ARE GROWN I HAVE A LOT OF RESENTMENT FOR HIM. I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE BUT DON'T WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS BY TELLING HIM. I WOULD LIKE TO BE ALONE.

February 10, 2006
11:56 am
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Shaney
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Hi there, and welcome. Does your resentment come from the fact that he wasn't home much when your kids were young, or is there more? Many couples live their entire married lives nurturing their kids, but not eachother... leaving them as strangers when the kids finally pack up and leave. It happens too often. Is there a chance that you two could take this time and rediscover eachother? Just a thought, because I've known people who have felt the same way as you do, and got what they wished for only to regret it later. Maybe try to figure out exactly why you're feeling this way first, before making any drastic decisions.

February 10, 2006
12:19 pm
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kathygy
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evalou,

I have found that sometimes honest communciation can cause a shift in my feelings because it takes the power away from the feelings after I express them.

I urge you be compeletly honest with your husband before you make any decisions. The longer you drag it out the more he will feel hurt but he deserves to know the truth.

February 10, 2006
2:12 pm
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Notsure
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Hi Evalou, try communicating your feelings and thoughts to him.

If that doesn't work suggest relationship counselling. You need to have your issues addressed and fixed otherwise your resentment will only escalate to the point of calling it quits.

He is probably not aware and thinks that he worked hard to provide while his family grew. Often when we are youger we work extraordinarily hard because the importance of the job (in proportion to having young kids and a wife) is so great.

Regards. Notsure

February 10, 2006
2:53 pm
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evalou
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I WAS TAUGHT FROM CHILDHOOD BY MY MOTHER TO NOT SAY ANYTHING AND EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY. I AM NOW TO THE POINT WHERE I JUST GET THRU EACH DAY . I HAVE LOTS TO BE THANKFUL FOR WONDERFUL KIDS AND GRANDKIDS BUT I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE. I HAVE NO PHYSICAL ATTRACTION FOR MY HUSBAND AND HAVE FELF SOMETHING FOR ANOTHER MAN IN THE PAST YEAR. I KNOW THAT I CAN'T HURT MY FAMILY BY DESTROYING OUR FAMILY. THEY THINK THAT I AM HAPPY AND THAT WE HAVE A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE. ITS JUST ALL GOTTEN SO CONFUSING FOR ME IN THE LAST YEAR THAT I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. I HAVE HAD CONSULING AND AM TOLD THAT I NEED TO START THINKING OF MYSELF FIRST. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. THANKS FOR LETTING ME JOIN THIS GROUP.

February 10, 2006
3:57 pm
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kathygy
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evalou,

a gentle reminder, please write in lower case. All caps is considered shouting and hard to read.

What your mother taught you was wrong. You are living a lie. It does not follow that by not saying anything everyone will be happy. How happy is your husband with your marriage? How happy has saying nothing made you?

You need to live your life for yourself and for your children not for what other people think.

Your happiness is very important. I think the first step in that direction is being 100% honest with your husband. He deserves to know the truth.

Listen to what your coounselor said, start thinking of yourself first.

February 10, 2006
3:57 pm
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Shaney
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Are you going to counseling right now? I think your feelings are probably more normal than you think. But there does come a day when you need to put yourself first. It sounds like you've done a good job raising your family, and the guilt that comes with the thought of upsetting that family union, can be unbearable, I know. But you deserve to enjoy your life, not just "get through it." That's no way to live. Unlearning what your mother has taught you might be a long, tough road, but you have to start somewhwere - because you DO deserve happiness. At this point, I would continue with counseling and work on you, alone. You may want to consider putting the feelings for the other man aside for the time being, since that sort of situation will only complicate and hinder your own personal progress. It's also going against what you seem to value, which is family... and their feelings. Finding out that you are interested in another man is a much bigger blow, than needing to find yourself and making efforts in that direction. The first is wrong, the later is respectable. You've done what you felt has been the right thing, for years - keep doing the right thing, but do the right thing for *yourself.* Keep posting here, keep going to counseling, and I'm sure you will get through this part of your life. Hang in there and take care. Love - Shaney

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