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what do men lie about and why?
August 23, 2006
4:55 pm
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lightchaser
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I have recently started dating a guy ( X) . We get along great and have fun together. However I feel very suspitious about him and am wondering what he may want from me and why he is pursing me so intently.

After meeting on the internet he has e-mailed me several times a day every day, after our date he calls every day and wants to talk for hours. However he doesn't whine if I can't or if I get on the phone. he is telling me he really, really is into me. He also took his profile down from the pof aftre meeting me.

Now, what is it that could be making me feel so suspitious? And how do I protect my heart? I don't know whether it ios something about him or something about me and my own trust issues.

I have told him I don't trust him yet and he says if I would be kind enough to give him the time and get to know him, I will find out he is who he says he is. he says he understands that I don't trust him, and he is patient in earning that.

SO, what could he possibly be wanting from me? What does a man have to gain by lying to a woman about how they feel?? How do we tell the liers from the rest?

Any ideas or any experience with this??

Light

August 23, 2006
4:56 pm
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lightchaser
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Sorry about all the typos, my mind is racing.

August 23, 2006
5:40 pm
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I am slightly confused because I am not sure why you think he maybe lieing to you. I am a guy and I think your best bet would be to take it very slow. Make him earn you. Biggest mistake you could make would be to get intimate too fast. Take your time and get to know each other. I am sure his true personality will come out the more you spend time together and talk.

August 23, 2006
5:50 pm
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In addition, I have several guy friends that will tell women everythng they want to hear until they get what they want which is sex. And all to often they get it. The best way for women to protect themselves against that is to TAKE IT SLOW and really get to know the person well. I have female friends ask me how to approach a guy about his intentions after they had sex.. They don't want to pressure the guy at the same time they want to have a relationship or some sort of definition. I ask them why didn't they have that conversation before they got intimate? They dont have an answer or they say they didn't like the guy as much before. Again communication is the key.

August 23, 2006
5:55 pm
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southgoingzax
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lightchaser,

I agree....maybe you are getting ahead of yourself? Just slow down. If he is truthful and honest, and you are the same, he will stick around. If he is only after sex, he'll eventually give up. You just have to be open about how you feel, what you want...I'm sure if he's being deceiving, you'll figure it out before to long.

But I hope he's just a great guy,

zax

August 23, 2006
6:00 pm
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doubleloss
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light, take it sssslllooow, go at your own pace, give the guy a chance BUT trust your gut, it's amazing how we insist on ignoring that little voice inside us, so many of us refuse to hear it but telling ourselves we are being irrational and judgemental. So, breath, enjoy and don't be to quick to judge or give your heart away. I do hope he is a nice guy, really, why wouldn't he be so INTO you?? I'm sure you're worth it!

August 23, 2006
6:15 pm
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lightchaser
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Thank you everybody: I don't have any real reason to think he is lying.

Too late on the "wait to get intimate" thing, and he still is calling and calling and wanting to be with me. And for stuff that has nothing to do with sex.

Hopeful: it is good to get a mans perspective on this. I just wanted to let you know, that I realize women lie too, but I think men and women lie for different reasons and I just am wondering if there are reasons besides sex that someone would be lying.

I think maybe its the too good to be true thing. He and I just clicked. and I am left reeling, thinking, "why does he like me so much?"

Zax: Yep, I am getting ahead of myself ( I do that all the time!). I seriously don't wantto scare him off because of my suspitions. Its terrible, I have asked him if he is a drunk, an addict, watches porn, ever been in prison, has a meth lab or severed heads in his fridge. luckily he has a good sense of humor and tells me to give him the time to show me he is true to what he tells me.

Doubleloss: thank you also for your input. Slow is good. I have a tendency to go full blast and then want to cool it off. This leaves a guy confused and frustrated. I will just try to take it easy.

Thanks all!
Light

August 23, 2006
6:16 pm
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Anonymous
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light

please be very, very careful about a guy you meet online. Did you do a background check on him? Did you check him out on the free sexual preditor website in your state? To find it, just go into google and type those "sexual preditor registry" and your state name. Any guy who calls that much and latches on so quickly is a somewhat of a cause for concern. Does he have a full rewarding life of his own? If he is pushing your comfort level, trust your instincts. You don't need it.

P&L

August 23, 2006
6:35 pm
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lightchaser
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P&L: yeah I did a criminal check on him before we met, a background check and checked the sex offender registry. i did my homework.

He just moved here from another state, and I checked that and that is true. So, he doesn't have many friends yet to do things with. Works hard at his job, but doesn't know much about the area yet.

So, I know. He is perhaps pushing the comfort level as far as a "relationship" goes. However, my actions may be saying that I want this to be serious right now.

I need to remedy that and definately say he can turn it down a notch.

Light

August 23, 2006
7:00 pm
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Shaney
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I can understand how you would feel that way, especially considering the fact that you met him on line and can't ask someone about him or his past. But, IMO, you really can't just spend your life anticipating that someone MAY lie to you. The only way to tell if someone is a liar, is if you actually catch them lying. Until then, why worry about something that hasn't or may never happen? Trust until you have a reason not to. If he's not who he says he is, that will definitely come out soon enough.

August 23, 2006
7:21 pm
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light,you obviously have trust issues and it sounds like you expect something to be wrong with this guy because he is so into you. It is very possible that he is a good guy and genuinely likes you. My advise like everyone else is to take it slow emotionally. Lastly, most people wont answer yes to a slue of questions that will take them out of the running. In my opinion actions speak louder than words.

August 23, 2006
7:41 pm
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lightchaser
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Shaney: Thanks, I think you are exactly right and that is what he told me. Just wait and see. If he is a lier then goodbye. If not . . .we'll see.

Hopefull: Yeah, you are right about how no one will answer those crazy questions truthfully, however you can get a little informationa bout what a person thinks about drinking, drugs, etc. I don't think most axe murderers would say, "Yes I have severed heads in my icebox. Ya wanna see?" So, the questions are no good, but I had a hard time stopping myself from asking them.

So I think the concensus is:

Slow down

Guard my heart

Believe its possible someone just likes me

There is no way I will know he is lying unless I catch him doing it.

So until then, maybe give the benefit of the doubt, since I have done all the investigating I possibly can.

Thank you all for you're advice. I will quit accusing him and try to just get to know him better.

Light

August 23, 2006
9:59 pm
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Anonymous
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Light,

sounds good to me! I am glad people were able to help you figure this out. You got some great feedback, and lots of helpful points of view. You seem like you have it together. I look forward to hearing what develops.
Good luck with it! Whatever happens, I wish you peace, love, & serenity.

P&L

August 23, 2006
10:18 pm
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gofigure
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light,

I may be off base here, but what I gather from your post is that his e-mailing and calling you so often is one of the things that is "making you suspicious". That struck me when I read it because it's something that my stbx husband used to do (I actually STILL talk to him at least once a day, but that's another story), and I guess that makes it a red flag for me. What it turned into for me was a very controlling relationship. I don't mean to sound negative, and I don't mean it that way--I think I'm just interpreting your uncomfortableness. So I agree with everyone. Take it slow, and maybe he IS the one. But remember, never feel bad for protecting and taking care of yourself.

~go

August 23, 2006
11:23 pm
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Anonymous
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i agree light. go ssssslllllooooowwwwwllllllyyyyy. I immediately thought of my dad when u started saying how into so quick this guy is. My dad has a history of sweeping the woman off her feet, charming her. marrying her and then showing her the real him. it's called living hell. he has been married six times. be careful. get to know the real man. if he is lieing to u , he wont be able to keep it up indefinitely. (the reason my dad pushed for marriage so quick is because he wanted the sign of ownership before he showed his true colors. i watched him wipe out mentally and emotionally many a fine, smart, caring woman.

(((((light)))))

August 23, 2006
11:23 pm
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Shaney
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Hi light - why is it so hard for us to believe that someone just likes us?! Sheesh... I guess we've kissed so many frogs, that we just don't trust our own judgement sometimes... prince? frog? prince? Who the hell can tell anymore! lol. I think you've got a good plan - relax, go slow, and trust your judgement. If you see anything fishy, exercise your choice to leave. Trust yourself! :o)

August 24, 2006
8:38 pm
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doubleloss
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but going back to the initial question, what do men lie and why?
can any of the guys here enlighten us. Like, when you tell your girlfriend that you LOVE her, what does that mean? that you love her like you love your shoes,car,job, pint of beer? that you LOVE her like your pet, your sister, or even your mother? that you LOVE her because she is with you? that you LOVE her because she is her and you want her in your life? what does it mean???? really??

In other languages there are different words for different kinds of LOVE, but in english, we can LOVE our dog, our boss, french fries or our partners....no wonder why there are so many broken hearts!!

so guys, what do you really mean? how do we know that you mean you love us like the women you want in your life?

August 24, 2006
8:49 pm
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Anonymous
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read the darn dating thread. seeker answered the how men say i love u and mean diff things than women do on there. it's one male perspective anyway.

August 24, 2006
11:11 pm
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Shaney
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I think that certain men lie to 1) get what they want, and 2) to make themselves look better to others and feel better about themselves, and 3) they say whatever it takes to keep opposition, or ball-busting to a minimum. If they don't want to hear what you have to say about something they've done, they lie about it, or don't tell you period. That's my opinion. :o/

August 24, 2006
11:21 pm
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chinita
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I think they lie to get exactly what they want "Sex" and they keep lieing to make sure u don't go anywhere.

Men like to have there cake and eat it too!!!

WHY do men do this: say you've had many conversations over the phone and u go out on your first date and say u give in and have sex WHY does things change from there??? Is it cause we kill the curiousity??? Is it because that's all they wanted???

I understand Men like a chase, right??? Ok but if were both grown adults and have sex then it shouldn't change, right???

Sometimes I don't get men if it's one thing it's another and they ALWAYS find some crap to switch the script.

Sorry if there's any men out there because I've been having some real bad experiences!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 24, 2006
11:28 pm
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Shaney
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I think that men know what sex means to most women... a deeper bond, possible expectations of committment, perhaps accountability? And even though they KNOW this, they can help themselves but to go after the sex. Then once they get it, their like "Oh shit."

August 25, 2006
1:07 am
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glittered when he walked
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Chinita,

Give in? I can't speak for other men, but I don't want something that isn't being offered freely. Sure, I may get aroused and attracted and therefore pursue sex actively, but I'd rather a woman had sex with me because she wanted to do so without reservations rather than "giving in"' maybe it's just semantics regarding the decision to have sex as giving in, but I would rather have sex that is freely offered.

at any rate, sex changes relationships doesn't it? should it not? I'm honestly asking. I will admit that i do like the chase, being flirty and wooing a woman by being playful and romantic is a lot of fun. doesn't it feel good to you when you like someone and pursue them and they reciprocate? I understand for some guys it ends at conquest, but for others it does not..

August 25, 2006
1:47 am
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chinita
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Yes it's true!!!

But also I noticed when u do all that and wait u start thinking awwwwww he wants a relationship after waiting about a month or so and then he get's it then it either changes or we fall in love and at the end we look stupid for even thinking that.

The chase is fun but your right also when u do have sex right away whenever u see each other that's ALL it's based upon "SEX" nothing more or nothing less.

That's from my experience.

Still seeking to find someone but at this time I'm just browsing.

August 25, 2006
2:51 am
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doubleloss
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lying is terrible. If the men JUST want to have sex with a woman they should just say it. If the woman agrees and she also just wants sex then it can be a good experience for both. Deceit is gross and wrong, men lie, women lie; things would be much easier and there would be less broken hearts if we were just plain honest.

It's so cruel to tell someone that you love them when you don't. It's cruel to tell someone that you don't love them when you do. Why is it so hard to tell the truth? what are we afraid of? Lying only delays the inevitable. I rather know that a guys ONLY wants to have sex with me, then I will choose to go for it or not. If I do, I'll be able to enjoy it and take it for what it is, and if I don't so much heart ache can be saved, and most likely, the next girl would agree, there is never a shortage of sex if one really wants it. So, why the lies? arrrgggh!

If you have sex too soon, it's to bad; if you wait, it's too bad too. How about longer term relationships, where trusts and bonds have been established, where sex is great, where there is friendship and love and then one turns around and says, well, i never really loved you/it was just sex/ blablabla...

August 25, 2006
8:31 am
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Robert123
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Relationships are difficult. There is a lot of hard work involved in a good one. I tend to forget the work part and want to focus on the benefits. Having to work at a relationship seems contradictory, but its like anything worthwhile...the results can be worth the struggle. It sounds like you are asking yourself the tough questions early in this relationship. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

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