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What do I say to him?
October 20, 2006
12:55 pm
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shyshy
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I broke up with my bf and we decided to stay friends. I know it's probably his way of getting back in like he always does. Usually it works, but I'm stronger now. I really don't want to be with him in any other way other than a friend.

Anyway, he's been coming to the house and doing stuff for me and taking me out to eat, cooking for me and the kids etc. He's been inviting me here and there with him too.

For the most part I've been going out on the weekends with friends without him but I'm feeling crowded. Like I can't have control of my own time during the week cause he's been coming over. They are all nice gestures and I feel like I would be rude to tell him I don't want him coming over and doing stuff for me.

Someone help me out here.

October 20, 2006
1:11 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I think honesty is the best policy here hunny. In my opinion by excepting the offers me makes by taking you out to eat and doing things for you that you are giving him the impression that he still has a chance. You need to just be honest with him hunny It might hurt but it will hurt less if you tell him now than if you reject him later.

October 20, 2006
1:12 pm
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needtoheal
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SHyshy---
I would like to tell you that it is most important for you to set your boundaries... I don't know the reason why you broke up with this man but it is very difficult to break up and remain friends...(not that you have to be enemies... It is what everyone here calls No Contact... getting away from toxic people in your life so that you can focus on yourself and heal..) believe me, I am going through this process at this very moment..

Although I was assertive and ended this relationship I am still in contact with him ... It is very difficult for me to let go... but i do have a strong desire to heal.. it has just been one day at a time..

I don't know the situation, like I mentioned, for the reason of the breakup... but do you really want this man in your life at all after breaking up with him? There must have been a reason for you to break up...

Read the thread about No Contact.. and what helps for me is when I don't speak to the now ex-bf it helps me to think more clearly about things... and it also helps me to put more focus on my own needs...

If you would like, I am going to bump up the thread that I posted my situation on for you to read...

keep writing...

October 20, 2006
1:14 pm
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revelation
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Be honest...tell him that there is absolutely no chance for you to become a couple again, no matter what nice things he does. Tell him you really do appreciate it but are feeling crowded and would prefer if he backed off...but be firm and be honest that there is no chance of you to getting back together and that you are worried that him spending time with you means he's not giving himself enough space to go and find someone else.

Rev.

October 20, 2006
1:17 pm
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needtoheal
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shyshy
the thread is 2alone.. please read this..

I think that you have to be honest with him as much as possible and i agree that he thinks he still has a chance to be in your life...
i know that it is confusing... I am so confused as well...
this man did not want a relationship anymore... he stopped calling and he used to be so clingy... then when i did speak to him he told me that he does not know what he wants (as if he has an option) and so i asked him what was he debating about? me, our relationship, etc
Finally I just told him the other night (wednesday) that he does not have to debate amymore... it's over... and yet I talked to him last night and this morning...

so I am trying really hard to figure out things myself.. but maybe by writing this down for you will help me too....

October 20, 2006
1:19 pm
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atalose
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shyshy,

What happened to starting the new chapter in your life? Isn't this the same guy you have been breaking up and getting back together with for years?
If it is, he's still controlling you by remaining friends and keeping track of your life. He's cooking and doing things for you so he can control you. If he's there, your not out moving on with your life.
I think you are afraid of him because of things in the past, I don't see you moving on with your life until he is out of your life and that doesn't mean "being friends". That may work when you've dated someone for a few months and both realize it's not working, but after a number of years together remaining friends equals someone is still trying to hold on to something or someone.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, what's different this time then the other times about breaking up?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 20, 2006
1:30 pm
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justhinking
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Shy, Honesty is the best policy. Because if you don't want to hurt him, you will hurt yourself in the long run. Just sit him down and tell him that you cannot be friends right now because you know that he wants more and you don't.
I don't know because I am knew to the site what the NO contact rules are but they sound right.

October 20, 2006
2:52 pm
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shyshy
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Yes, this is the same guy that I have been breaking up with and taking back.

I do believe that he is doing this to control me. But sometimes I second guess myself. The other day we were talking and he could sense there was something wrong with me and he asked me to talk to him about it so I vented to him about how stressed I am about this or that so I thought he was just coming over and doing things to make my life a little easier because last week I told him he was being nice to me because he wanted to get me back to where he wants me. He said that is just who he is. If he loses someone he loves he will go above and beyond to get them back.

Needtoheal: I have been through hell and back with this man. The last time I broke up with him was because he let his ex-wife move in with him AGAIN for the second time without regard to my feelings and then got upset because I had a problem with it. That was the last straw for me.

I really do need to be honest with him and tell him AGAIN. I have already told him a few times but I keep letting him do this or that for me because I just really wish we could be friends like that but I think I'm really just not looking at things realistically. Bottom line is I really hate feeling like I've lost something.

October 20, 2006
3:17 pm
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atalose
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shy,

Your feeling that you lost something may be that you lost you.
It's hard remaining friends after so much as happened and close contact is still in place.
You seem to really want to move on and enjoy your time for you and he is not letting you. Emotionaly you are a prisoner to him.
I would think of what you really want and what it would take to get there.
If you are feeling crowed, then you need to set a boundary to limit your contact with him.
The longer you let him do things for you, the longer you remain a prisoner.
I know it's not easy letting go of something or someone that has become so familiar, but by not letting go, you will never be able to see else is out there in this big world.
It sounds like your ex-bf is very content that you are allowing him to remain in your life. I'm sure he is counting on things going back to how they were because that is what has always happened in the past.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 20, 2006
3:33 pm
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shyshy
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It's like I've heard it said. I can't expect different results if I'm not doing anything different right?

October 20, 2006
3:50 pm
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needtoheal
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that is so true... I have been doing different things as well to help cope with the feeling of emptiness too.. i have also gone to hell with my ex-boyfriend who, if you read the thread, has emotionally and verbally abused me... It is one day at a time.. that is what I keep telling myself..
For example, I used to be with him whenever the kids went to their dad's house.. So they are going there tonight..
I made a change in my work schedule so that I will be at work and occupied..

It is hard... and for me I think I have needed time away to see things more clearly... how abusive he treated me..

I am continuing to try to get on with my life.. by making changes...
I always said that things do not happen for a reason.... things happen because the choices we make...

So don't get down on yourself if you have a set back... that may happen and sometimes it helps us to see reality again..

For example, when i talked to the ex-bf the other night he told me that he was angry with his boss at work.. he said that he approached his boss about not paying him for the extra hours he put in.. etc.. then he told me that while standing there with his boss he threw his cup into the garbage can and walked away.. then he admitted that he did that "JUST TO GET A REACTION'.. then his boss followed him upstairs and told him that he will pay him... MY POINT: i saw how this man works.... HE USES ANGER AS A MANIPULATION and did so with me.... It was another eye-opener for me....

Ataloss... you are very supportive... and thanks...
I have often felt like a prisoner because I could not see clearly.. I was so emeshed..
And i know that we cannot remain friends because I would not be able to move on,.. and meet others that are healthy for me,... I see that happening now.. I have made more friends now in the last month than I had in the four years that i have been with this man...

thanks for listening and if anyone has more advice please feel free to give...

October 20, 2006
4:40 pm
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shyshy
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Need: I've woken up in the middle of the night before with what I call a revelation of what this man is plotting and I can't believe that I still even give him the time of day!

I even dreamt about our relationship even before it started. It didn't dawn on me though till about a year into it.

October 21, 2006
1:21 pm
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shyshy
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Ok, I think I've just figured out what to say to him. How about "Go F yourself?"

Yesterday he wanted me to go with him to see a lady here in town that he is supposed to do some work for and he had an attitude when I told him I couldn't. I already had plans to take my daughter to a family thing at the church and then from there I was going to a group at another church that I go to every Friday. He didn't say anything but I could tell in his voice he was upset about it.

He didn't call me the rest of the night so I called him on my way home from the group. He was at his sister's house and he asked if he could come over. I told him he was welcome to but that he couldn't spend the night. He decided not to come because of that. He said he would call me later when he gets home and asked me if I would be up. I told him I was going home to do some cleaning for my party today and then I was watching a movie so I would be up late.

He called around 1 am while I was watching the movie and got on my case about me supposedly not calling him. I reminded him that he told me HE was calling ME when he got home. So then he says he would like to see me. I told him it was 1 am and too late. We hang up and he calls back and says that I was supposed to call HIM so I asked him if that's why he drinks so he can have an excuse to act stupid and he studdard and I told him I was trying to sleep and for him to stop calling me. He didn't stop. He called about five more times and I didn't answer. He left me a couple of messages about how I called him stupid and he doesn't know what's going on, yada yada yada.

This morning he called again and again I didn't pick up. I was out having bkfst with my kids. After bkfst I go home to get the kids ready for the school homecoming parade that my daughter had to march in and who shows up? Yup, he did. He knocked and my son opened the door. I was in the bathroom and I hear him say "where's your mother" So I come out and he's looking under the sink for some tools he needs to do a job in the area and he says "What's the matter with you that you can't answer your phone?" I said "I have to go take the kids to the parade, we can talk about this later" My kids went out the door and I told him he can't be coming in my house addressing me that way especially in front of my kids. He then asked how come I didn't pick up the phone when he called. I said "Because I didn't want to. Did you forget what a DICK you were last night??" He gets this puppy dog look on his face and says "as a matter of fact I did forget." and then grabbed my face to kiss me and I turned around and left and he left behind me.

I was embarassed to say the least because my kids had a friend over. Anyway, when I got to the parade and my son's friend went his way I called him and in front of my daughter told him that was the last time he was going to walk into my house and disrespect me the way that he did. He says all he did was ask me a question. I told him that didn't matter. He walked into my house with an attitude and disrespected me in front of my kids in MY house and that was the last time he was going to do that. he said Fine and hung up.

The next time he calls me I'm going to tell him to go F-ck himself!!!!

October 21, 2006
2:12 pm
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needtoheal
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shyshy---
I know and understand completely but if you answer his call the next time and go tell him to F--k himself you are still leaving the door of communication open....

I am trying to stop myself from talking to the now ex-b/f...
He has backed off completely and whether or not that is on purpose or to play head games with me I am trying so hard NOT to let it bother me... I have been keeping busy with work and this weekend I am with my kids so that is also a relief...

i know this is so difficult... my ex-b/f came to my work last week and gave me that puppy dog look as well.

he thinks that he can treat me bad and I have to forget it... I can't bring up my feelings of hurt or disappointment because he cannot see that he is abusive --- verbally and emotionally..

i posted on the thread to doubleloss..I am back

it was good to vent// i wrote it all down last night after I got back from work and did not have the kids... that is the time that we used to spend together

i know that i am grieving over this man... but really what it seems to be is a loss of the idea of someone and the loss of having companionship... well i would rather be alone than to be with someone who has no regards or empathy for my feelings at all.//

and i have to erase it from my head that if he does call...not to answer because why should i care about how he feels anyway.....

your friend and here with you in strength

NEEd 2 heal

October 21, 2006
2:31 pm
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shyshy
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Need: I felt a little down last night when he told me he was at his sister's house because we used to go together everywhere. But then when he called later with his nonsense I was glad I wasn't with him!!

My problem right now is that I cannot promise no contact because we currently own a timeshare together and I have to get his timeshare payment once a month which is btw due this week.

October 21, 2006
2:57 pm
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needtoheal
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shyshy---
i understand that position as well because i am divorced and i have to deal with him at times.. i choose NO CONTACT with him.. the kids are older and he can choose to call them directly or they can call him...

that is why i am a down at myself because I do know that NO CONTACT really does help because it did with me with my ex-husband...

I know that it is tough... but I also want you to know that I understand and I will be here if you need it..... and i appreciate you listening to me too

October 21, 2006
3:51 pm
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shyshy
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Thanks!

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