Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
what do i do?
February 22, 2000
12:05 pm
Avatar
dinlaw
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi I have serious in law difficulties and really need some advice and support. My in laws have disliked me from day one, no real reason why, I am a likeable person and was always very nice to them, but they have never accepted or respected me. Their son and I were living together for two years, he is ten years younger than I, when we decided to leave our home country and live in my husbands home town, close to his parents and the support we needed at the time. I had two children from a previous marriage and we were being harassed by my ex. We wanted to start a new life but when we showed up on his parents door step they said to him " you are welcome but she and her children are not " This sickened me as I when they visited us, I opened my home to them, fed them and showed them around our town and was the perfect hostess, but when we needed help and it looked like they had a good chance of breaking us up, they tried to during my most painful time. We were devastated, my husband was furious and I was sad and pretty angry. We had little money and no family in a strange country. This did eventually split us up and he went home to live with his parents for six months during which time they took the opportunity to bad mouth me and try to turn his heart agaisnt me, it didnt work. He came back to me, we got our own home, married and have been together for a number of years and since had more children. These people NEVER apologised to me and rarely send me or my hsuband letters or even phone. Occasionally they will send toys and cards at xmas and birthdays for the children and something nice for my husband, but hardly anything for me. It is known to me by their actions that they never liked me, accepted me nor do they feel any remorse for the way they treated me despite the fact that their son and I are very happy. They have visited us a couple of times during the past few years but it is always strained and fake. I really am angry at these people and have never received the respect I truly deserve. I did wonders for their son and this is the only positive thing they have ever said to me. NOW the worst part, they emigrating here and want to become a cute little family with us and our children. I feel like telling them "You have never supported us during our worst and most difficult times, in fact you have gone out of your way to break my husband and I up and if you had your way, you wouldnt even have any grand children or even a healthy son. How can you be so thoughtless, disrespectful and presumptuous to think that I will allow you any interaction with my children or myself for that matter!" My husband wants a relationship with them, but I am so angry for how they have treated me and my children! Can i refuse to allow them to see our children? They really have some nerve. I am afraid they will cause problems between my husband and I again as they are already with their immigration. My husband says that he thinks that i should accept them as the extended family we need. I need them like i need a hole in my head. What do i do?? I am a strong, intelligent and loving mother and do not feel that they will be a positive influence in my childrens lives, I feel they may even pass off their negative feelings towards me into them. My husband is now making me out to be the "trouble maker" if I do not accept them, when they are the ones that treated us, especially me so badly. I know its not good to hold resentments and grudges, but the wound feels fresh, because there never was any closure if you know what I mean. They never admitted anything, nor have they ever apologised or shown by their actions that they regret anything or want to treat me any differently. Look forward to all advice. Thankyou

February 22, 2000
1:17 pm
Avatar
kay
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I see happening. It sounds like when they first knew about you they didn't like the age difference or the fact that you had children already. For this reason they never gave the chance to get to know and love you.

Every parent I'm sure makes up an imaginary person they see thier child with and they couldn't accept you because you didn't fit their picture even if you are a wonderful person.

Your husband loves you and has proven that by going against his parents wishes. But he still loves them too regardless of you. That love is separate and you shoulnd't try to change that just as his parents shouldn't influence him. If you deny him his parents he may resent you. The children are his too, right? and he may feel they need grandparents.

Is it possible they they have accepted you now and find it hard to show it? For them to admit they were wrong after being set in their own ways is very difficult. Perhaps they know what they are missing and now they want to make an effort as family members.

Are they still bad mouthing you or have they stopped? Because there is a difference between them wanting to still break up you family, or maybe they find it hard to show affection if they accept you.

Look at the present situation, you can't necessarily judge them by their past, but I could be wrong you know best.

February 22, 2000
2:40 pm
Avatar
dinlaw
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kay, your advice is very perceptive and good, but what do i do with my feelings. I am not going to stuff them, I have done this all my life and gives those who have mistreated me further permission to mistreat me.
I still don't feel they really care for me, they have never given this indication nor do they ever really have much contact with us. They will chat with me for a bit if i answer the phone, but thats it.
I dont want to alienate myself, but I also expect to be respected and loved.
Our children hardly know them, my husbands father remarried ten years back and his wife is my husbands step mother and really mistreated my husband.
She kicked him out when he was sixteen and told her husband to choose her over them, and he did.
Both my husband and I have had a tough life with no family support or outside help. We raised our family alone and now I feel very protective and do not necessarily feel it is in our best interests to allow these people into our lives.

February 22, 2000
2:45 pm
Avatar
dinlaw
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, as far as i know, they do not bad mouth me now, my husband wouldnt accept that im sure ( but he does talk on the phone to them in private when they call?? this bugs me )
Maybe he does not feel i accept them so he does not feel comfortable, I dont know, but I am afraid they may try to meddle in our marriage. I dont really feel much positive coming from this possible future reunification.
I feel like sending them an e mail and really letting them know that I have never felt accepted, respected or liked by them and I really dont see why I should pretend to respect, accept or like them because I do not.
I also do not see what right they have to see my children ( they are his too ) I feel protective over my kids and am afraid they will be critical to them of me etc and then it could break down our marriage..guess im being negative...or am i?

February 22, 2000
6:17 pm
Avatar
kay
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was raised Catholic and taught that the Sacrament of marriage is a Union of man and woman with the love of God. This Union is supposed to be the most important, above the rest of the family including children.

When you say his father chose the wife over the son there can be good reason for this. For example I know a married couple whose marriage was falling apart because their son was into many illeagle things and the wife always defended him, baled him out of jail etc. After years the husband finally had to give a ultimatum. But I don't know your story.

Anyway, If you are still being mistreated then you have to stand up for your rights. It may be a good idea to express you feelings to them, and be clear but not malicous. Mail is a good way to do this because you can carefully choose you words and avoid saying something you don't really mean or regret.

You shouldn't have to pretend to respect them, respect is earned. This goes the other way around. If it is possible that no harm will come of them seeing the kids then you should let them, you will earn their respect and they might see you in a different light.

Family is important and valuable so do your best to let your children experience it. But remember who is number one, the last thing you need is for your own children to turn on you.

If you decide to write them it may be a good idea to let your husband know but don't let him talk you out of your own feelings.

February 23, 2000
11:54 am
Avatar
dinlaw
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thankyou Kay, again your advice is good but I do not agree with your beliefs regarding marriage. I believe the bond between mother and child is the strongest and should come first.
If the child is over the age of eighteen and causing problems in the marriage, well thats different.
Husband and wife should respect their bond and so should the child, after all he/she is an adult at that age.
Im am still not sure what I should do, I do not trust his family very much and this is opening myself and my family up to untrustworthy people. I want to protect my family. I will think on all you have said Kay, and thankyou again.
If anyone else has any suggestions or similar experiences, I would love to hear them.

February 23, 2000
2:41 pm
Avatar
kay
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Our views of family are slightly different, so I'm sorry I could not really help.

But I do agree, it is most important to protect the family you value. Follow your heart.

Good luck, Kay

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
51 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 108548

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38531

Posts: 714172

Newest Members:

CHIRPfwr, Hahatone_Rus, davidwcbbq, Tammyanose, Prohortothe, KitchenAidqdp

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer