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What causes codependency?
September 26, 2001
6:24 pm
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Kendall
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My daughter is involved in a codependent relationship. She is currently seeing a counselor. I'm wondering if I did something to cause this codependency. Was I too protective or too strict? I never thought I was being too strict and I also don't feel that I was too protective. Is codependency always caused by parents? She never showed any signs of this until she was a senior in high school. Any response is appreciated.

September 26, 2001
8:44 pm
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Molly
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Take a big deep breath, it will be ok.
There has been so much handed down through the passages of time for women to be co-dependent, it is not like a disease, but I believe more like an evolutionary concept. Sure in todays society, its just not acceptable, and a good label to toss. I think it starts with validation by looking good, if she was hanging with friends who discovered the power of male attraction, why study, why discover latent artistic talent, why do anything but go for the adrenalin rush of lust? It just sorta happens, and if her role model happens to be a person that does for men, like God forbid Housewives, go figure? cultural changes that society I guess has dictated. Its a rollar coaster ride isn't it? this is just my take on things, there are I believe several degrees of co-dependency, and there are others who may challenge me, or want to get more specific.

September 27, 2001
12:53 am
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gingerleigh
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Molly is absolutely right. Codependency can get passed down from generation to generation of women. Mothers can only do the best they know how, based on how they were raised. We women learn from our mothers, and learn more based on what we think we could do better or different, and we try it on our daughters, some works, some doesn't. Our daughters might blame us, we might blame our mothers, or maybe we all grow up and realize that we are all just doing the best we can, and we just accept what we have and try to make it better. Most likely if your daughter is seeking counseling, she will develop the maturity and perspective to heal herself and also realize that you did the best you could.

Children get messages of support and non-support from a variety of places, not just parents. They can come from teachers, other children or family members.

Just be there and support her while she's going through this process. I can tell you from first hand experience that it's scary, and she's going to need to know that you love her and accept whatever tough stuff she digs up. It can be awful going through self-discovery and hearing from people you respect and care about that therapy is just for "weak people" or "sick people". Everyone could use some I think. It's just a way of getting a really sharp clear outside perspective on ourselves.

Way to go, Mom. Just let her go, and accept. Set your own boundaries that this is *her* journey of self discovery, regardless of what she digs up. If it arouses pain in you, perhaps do some soul-searching of your own.

September 27, 2001
1:47 pm
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Molly
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Pain, well that started right after the test was positive, and just grows and grows, morning sickness, back labor, then the real thing, then fear, worry, concearn, their pain. Upps was that co-dependent, worring about baby? Mother hood = pain, and forever soul searching. Gingerleigh is right though, with your help, love and support, guidance, she will find balance, and you as well. My girls have been down right cruel sometimes with their honesty, and still every once and a while get the ole knife in the back, but I am damn proud of them, and listen ... Its a new world, and always something new to learn. Just keep love and confidence in your heart. Oh, visit DrIrenes web site!!
Some other ideas.

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