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What can I do...We LOve each other,,, and the past is still here!
April 17, 2007
3:43 pm
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Hi:
I am going thru the worst time of my life. I am about to get married in 4 months to the man I love. Yesterday i do not know why but he told me that he wanted to be honest and he told me that what his ex wife did to him( verbaly abused him) has not healed. I just cant believe it I thought our relationship was so different and pure but the truth is he is not all the way into this like i am for he has not let his pain go. I feel like im paying for something i didnt do. He saids its not my fault and that he loves me and that he needs me. I will always be here for him because i love him. But why do i feel like two years of relationship have not been enough for him to heal, like if im not enough? am i wrong ? is this not my fault and im just being tough on myself? I really love him and he loves me, i do not have a doubt but i feel like i have failed and I have not been able to erase his pain. Is this true or is his pain going to heal when he decides it will? Please i feel so broken!!I need advise

April 17, 2007
4:40 pm
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balancesekr
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hi soledad,
I think it is good that he is communicating his true feelings to you. This may not have to do with you. He sounds like he is confused and it is up to him to heal his pain. You can't erase it for him.

Has he been to counseling to work on these issues?
b

April 17, 2007
5:03 pm
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nappy
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Congratulation on getting married but if I were you, I would think very carefully on what you is about to get yourself into.
Being married is not a game, being married is not about trying to fix the other person because you can't.

Within those two years in your relationship with this man, there had to have been some red flags going off.
You said that you can't believe what you are hearing because YOU thought that the relationship was difference and pure.

The only thing that I would be concern about if that what his ex wife did to him (verbal abuse), he don't take it out on you. You can't fix him, you can't heal him and with what you are writing, I hope that you don't or is not codependent with this relationship with him because by reading what you wrote, this man can either use this against you once you are married because now you are his wife and he can see that his pain will become your pain and guess who will take it harder, not him, it will be you and guess what. You will not have anything to do with what he is carrying around in his head and his heart about his past.
Nappy!

April 18, 2007
4:02 pm
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Thank you my friends!
balancesekr and NAppy: Thank you so much. We talked last night and i told him what i was thinking and that i felt really bad about what he said and basiclly was honest and he told me that what he said was just because he wanted to explain why he had mood swings all the time. He said that all that had affected him and thats why but that she is just part of his past life and that he loves me and well that he will make me happy because he will not make the same mistakes twice. I was very happy to hear this. But i told him that i hope he was feeling the same for me as i did for him and he told me he never said he wasnt just that he had things inside of him that his past marked deeply. But he told me to never think our two years of relationship were nothing because that would hurt him very bad, he said that these two years have gave him an example of the wonderful life he will have with me and thats why his marrying me. So i guess things are back to noraml but from know on i will be more understandng toward his pain and be there for him because what happend to him was never his fault. Thank you for the advise

April 18, 2007
4:32 pm
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atalose
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I would still be very cautious, having been verbally abused does not give an excuse to be moody and have mood swings. It sounds like he is planning an escape from those emotions as apposed to dealing with them.
The fact you believed being in a relationship with him for two years should have cured his emotions means you have some codependency going on. I think reading up on the subject will help you understand and be able to control yourself and your emotions over things you have no control over.
It’s great you both have open communication and can talk about it, it’s the doing action things that matter more. Like what is he planning on doing about those unresolved emotions that keep him tied to his past. And what are you going to do about feeling you are responsibly to make him better.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 18, 2007
4:35 pm
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Ty: atalose ,
Yea well i totally agree with you i will denefently look into it today! ANd well about him he knows it he even asked me if there was any one he could see because im a psycholoy student and he wants to see counseling. He is very honest and that is wonderful!! So im going to take him , I really want him to get better because I Love him very much !!

April 23, 2007
2:16 pm
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Hello:
Just to update, we have been very well these last few days he took me to a park and sang to me and told me that he felt bad i had thought bad of our relationship and that he loves me very much. He held me in his arms all day and i felt like he was so honest i decided to be honest too and talked to him. He was very happy to see we were having a good and constructive talk. So he strarted to take mood enhancer LOL i hope they work because he really cant control the mood swings. Anyway he told me that he was feeling better and that he was gonna work hard to leave his past in the past. So thats one step he told me not to feel bad because it was not my fault and i had nothing to do with the situation. He told me that i have to stop feeling bad and responsible for something i didnt do or even was not present. So i think we have fixed that and i feel bad i doubted him, he is very honest and has never done the oppisite of what he tells me he does so i have to start trustin g him more and im working on it. Thank you for everything
Soledad

April 23, 2007
4:21 pm
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fantas
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Soledad, Sounds great! As a survivor of abuse myself, I know that it takes a while to work on things and the abuse affects us in ways we may not realize for a while. I hope He stays with therapy for a while and I think you should get some assistance in order to learn how to best support someone who has gone through what he has. I am just wondering why you questioned the integrity of your relationship when he hold you about his past? Why did you feel that the fact that he hadn't healed his wounds was an indictment of your love for him? Just wondering. All the best to you both!!

April 24, 2007
2:00 pm
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Hi:
Thank you Fantas. Well its a long story but basiclly i was sexually abused when i was a child and that is far more traumatic then most things i know. However im about to graduate as a psychologist and I know what your talking about him needing time. When i meet him i was filled with problems because of the abuse but he took me to therapy and these two years have helped me heal and i felt i didnt help him as if what we had was not enough to help him heal as i had done. But i know we are different people and i just was really sad by then. Next time soemthing like this happens i will not react the same im sure . thank you so much!!
Soeldad

April 28, 2007
2:10 pm
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fantas
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SOledad, How are you doing? Just checking!!

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