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What are you scared in a Relationship and Why
February 4, 2007
12:22 pm
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2BHAPPY
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I thought I would start this new thread as this is such a common problem in new relationship. We seem to bring out the past into our new ones and then the cycle continues even though we may have found a good person. But then there is that INSTINCT that tells us something is wrong and we really need to think about that a little more thoroughly.

Also, we always tend to go through the same experiences over and over..I know I am and I know that I am the common denominator. Really need to change that..but once in awhile a nice man will come around and all my fears will creep up and I would sabotage the relationship.

What are your fears and most importantly...WHY?

 

 

2bHappy

February 4, 2007
12:49 pm
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Anonymous
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Good thread!
I'm so in the same boat...I'm not sure if I sabotaged a potential relationship last month or if my instincts were telling me no go.
I think I am ready to run right now at any issue to be on the safe side...the last thing I want is another destructive relationship.
I just don't think I am emotionally ready...

February 4, 2007
1:02 pm
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tiedupinknots
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The opposite of love is not hate it is fear. The opposite of peace is insecurity. Your subconscious mind can only run on memory, the thorn, or inspiration (higher power) the rose. All your old fears all your old patterns come up moment by moment. Learning how to accept, let go and surrender to your higher power is something that is learned by hard work. The old patterns need to be replaced. Shine the light of consciousness onto your character defects. Realize we are all one, we all have the same issues. I believe the whole purpose of life is to reestablish your 'I' identity through problem solving. How are you going to solve your problems?

This is the human condition. Accepting it is a process. Where are you on the Map of human consciousness? That is only something you can answer. Wake up your spirit, unfold your soul. Enjoy your life. FEAR Face Everthing and Recover or FEAR "F" Everything and Run. Really you only have fear itself to fear and once you punch through to your True Self a few times Fear in all its aspects will evaporate under your new knowing. A Map of Consciousness can be bought through doing a search on David Hawkins. I've got mine and through kinesiology testing I know where I am on it. It is spiritual progress not spiritual perfection. Do you know yourself? Are you willing to go within? Deeply? Intimately? Do you know your flaws? Your strengths? Can you write them down? Can you accept yourself? Do you know you are not your mind? Do you know the Power of Now? Do you know the Silent Watcher? Do you feel you are worth the search? Are you a seeker or a finder? Do you love yourself enough to find out? If you can answer these questions, and many others that will arise, then peace and serenity will slowly become available to you. If you still wish, you will be able to attract someone into your life that will add to it. Everything is a choice. On some level you have attracted everything that has happened to you. If you are still stuck in old patterns then you are supposed to be there. There is something you still need to learn. Good luck. 🙂

February 4, 2007
2:52 pm
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2BHAPPY
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I would have to be honest and really say outloud what my fears are in relationships.

1. I am afraid of being abandonment by someone I trust as my parents did.

2. I am afraid of not being accepted for who I am.

3. I am afraid of being so controlling and critical that someone might just run from me.

4. I am afraid of not being attractive long enough to the men that I find attractive to me.

5. Afraid of being bored or boring someone with myself.

6. Afraid of making too many demands on the person I love.

7. Afraid of being just a fling to someone and not a real relationship.

8. Afraid of being lied to..like someone did to me last year which devastated me.

9. Afraid of meeting dysfunctional people who come across as being nice and caring at first.

So here it is for me...I need to address these issues for myself in order to find love..Need to let go of all these fears.

 

 

2bHappy

February 4, 2007
2:58 pm
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Anonymous
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I have to say my fear too is to meet someone dysfunctional and get sucked into an unhealthy relationship...I'm still trying to figure out whats healthy for me!

February 4, 2007
3:00 pm
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truthBtold
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Gosh, for me - it's all been a process of elimination, for the most part.

I am getting better and faster at recognizing unhealthy relationships -which is progress.

Feelings are just plain "messy!"

I think that along with "Fear" is it's cousin "Confusion" playing into the mix.

I suppose that my biggest fear is the fear of being really loved and happy/peaceful for once.

I must admit that I have been kind of addicted to my own drama for so many years trying to "figure it all out" that I know that it sometimes gets in the way.

Hell, sometimes I wonder if I just don't have to "get out of my own way" for a change and trust my guts and feelings that it will provide me with all the information I need.

Vulnerability, I guess is what I am suggesting here.

Great thread, by the way.....got me tah thinking...........

February 4, 2007
8:37 pm
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readyforachange
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I am scared of so many, many things. I've been dating a guy for about 10 weeks, and I could write you a book of things I'm obsessing about. Here are some of the stupid things I find myself thinking:

...am I as pretty as his ex wife?

...am I going to say something to screw this up?

...am I going to do something to screw this up?

...what if he wants to sleep with me? I haven't had sex in almost 3 years!

...what if I trust him, and he hurts me?

...what if he trusts me, and I hurt him?

...what if I start to do my coda thing and smother him?

...how much attention should I expect, and when should I expect more?

...I sure wish I looked like I did when I was 20. Gravity sucks.

...I sure with I had had serious relationships with ANYONE other than my ex so I would have some clue what the hell I was doing here.

...how do I do this, and keep my kids from feeling I'm ignoring them?

...why hasn't he called me?

...why hasn't he answered my email?

...why hasn't he responded to my text message?

...am I calling, emailing and texting too much?

So, bottom line, I guess I'm scared of just about everything and it's because I still haven't gotten rid of all the baggage from my 17 years of marriage to a verbally abusive alcoholic.

February 5, 2007
1:50 am
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Slowly Learning
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WOW .. absolutely great thread! It truly hit home for me and I can truly say its in line with what I'm going through lately... regardless of whether my situation is an actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or not.. its all the same when it comes to the opposite sex (my opinion).

I found myself making a list in the last 2 weeks.. a sorta strange thing to do but I felt compelled to do it.. it was a list of all the guys I've met since my ex.. and what I saw as being the reasons why things didn't work out. The list included those relationships where it was just friends and everything inbetween. I also included in the list what I learned from each relationship. For some of the relationships there were no reasons why it didn't work out.. we just grew apart and I've had a hard time with some of it in the past but I'm okay with all of it today and for the last couple of months.

I found that many of the relationships I had been involved in.. including the friends.. there was no 'commitment' by either of us to have a lasting relationship.. we were simply in the here and now mode. I believe that even the simplest of friends have commitment.. the sense that there is a bond that keeps people together regardless of their sexes. Its a kinship of sorts and the acceptance and trust that the person will be there tomorrow and next week, etc.

I have, on a blogging site, thanked each and every guy for being in my life for the time they were. In looking back I learned some great lessons and lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way.

For that sake, even though the majority of my thoughts about my ex are faced with my hatred toward him for doing what he did, I also thank him for doing it.. as insane as that may seem! I thank him for doing what he did because without it.. I wouldn't be where I am today, have had the courage, strength and perseverance that I have, and have truly found MYSELF, my happiness, found dreams that I can dream and inspire to achieve. I also thank my ex for ensuring that my pain was so great that even with codependency, it was easier for me to turn a cheek to him because of his infidelity, his lies, his double life, his whatever else he did.

I loved myself yesterday, I do today and I will tomorrow for what I have accomplished to this point.. I have my own identity, my own feelings, my morals, my standards, my life, my job, my happiness/contentment/peace and I HAVE CHOICES in everything in my life... which boils down to FREEDOM.

Fear is an interesting word and has different meanings for some. I do admit I do fear alot of things and am scared of making mistakes a lot of the time... but I soothe my soul by telling myself its okay to make mistakes cause that is how we learn. That is not to say I will (oh higher power help me if I ever make them all over again) make mistakes over and over again without learning something from it (and yes, I've done some of that) but I think in some part, when it comes to relationships, I think i migh be learning. I'm not as open to just giving myself 110% anymore to someone who isn't willing to give back mutually. I am also not as willing to help, crutch, or aide someone who has created their own circumstances. I heard something a while ago which really made sense to me... "who would I be if I robbed someone of suffering their own consequences and thereby learning from them?" I hope people don't get me wrong on this.. I am compassionate, caring, etc... but I can choose to either become involved or walk away from someone else's drama. I also don't mind offering my opinion (so obviously), telling my story, and having an ear to listen (even though I question my own ability to actually listen at times) but no way will I crutch someone or pick someone up from their rock bottom and put their life back together for them.

So how do we safely face/overcome these fears?

February 5, 2007
11:47 am
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2BHAPPY
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I have been trying to get over my fear of love. It is so hard if each time I find someone..I seem to be going through the same drama. Partly my fault because I tend to get attached to people and attached to what they say. I believe men when they tell me they want a commitment..that they want to find love.

Now I am getting into an age that its very hard to even find a date. Although I look in my early 40's and most people are surprised when I tell them I am 51, the men my age or close to it are looking for the younger women to settle down with. I am now scared to date online because its the same thing there..they all want just a fling and there is too much competition. I tend not to sleep with a man until I have some connection and built some trust with the man. But that also tends to break my relationships because the men are too eager nowadays to jump into bed and if one woman doesnt sleep with them..the next one will. I had one man who got so vindictive when I said no that he made my life impossible and even stopped me from getting a job I really wanted (a city job he worked for also).

Then I am afraid of sleeping and meeting my own needs because am afraid that I wont see them after we sleep together. Its all crazy..all these fears. Fear of love, fear of sex, fear of being alone..the loneliness even though we are around a lot of people and we have friends to talk to..but the one thing we miss..the love is not there.

I am trying to think about that new video "The Secret of Attraction" trying to think positive about this whole thing..but then I am AFRAID of being disappointed by life itself. Maybe I'll never find love, never find a good man to settle with and enjoy the things I like to do.

Anyway..I know I am just writing down my feelings this morning..thank you for reading this. There is no freedom in Fear because I feel like a prisoner in my own house..its very lonely and depressing..When I do go out with friends..I have to fake being happy because I am not.

Have a good day.

 

 

2bHappy

February 9, 2007
8:10 am
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doubledilemma
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Slowly learning and 2BHAPPY, I am really impressed by your thread, but you are right about men - they seem to set too many "traps" and wait for you to make a mistake.

If they are beautiful and gorgeous like Mr Darcy they will always have the pick of the women and there is nothing you can do about it. The woman who will win his favour will have to be like the woman who marries into the Royal Family - put one thing wrong or say one thing wrong and you are out! In my situation it was different as I hadn't learnt the rules as a married woman, you don't play with fire when you don't have the right license (ie I had a marriage certificate, the wrong one anyway).

The men will hunt and get who they want - the beautiful ones. Sorry, it is just the way of the world. They will be happy and get to reproduce and spread their beautiful seed with the right woman, who they will not hurt, because they will love this woman and you don't hurt someone who you love, but there will be more beautiful children in the world, which is one thing to be grateful for, I guess. Funny, my husband would produce amazingly brainy and gifted kids, but he doesn't really want to reproduce. But David will with some beautiful woman and have beautiful kids.

I just have to wait until I die - then my pain will hopefully be over. Sometimes, I just want that day to hurry up so I don't have to think about him anymore. At other times, I am content and I have to be happy because this path is what God has chosen for me, even if I don't like it. I didn't like the fact that David wanted no contact with me never again, but I have to be happy because God must have meant for this to be and the suffering must mean something. But because he does not want to be my friend, I won't even get the chance to know how beautiful his children will look like.

Best Wishes in finding what you want, lovely ladies.

D_D

D_D

February 9, 2007
8:46 am
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CAMER
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hmmmm, i *used* to date alot of controlling mena, and I was always
scared at some point they would physically hit me and hurt me......and I still stayed in these controlling relationships, I guess I was scared to be alone, scared of being with myself, and I know I always had a man by my side, cuz I felt that I was not complete without one..........Now that is scary!!

February 9, 2007
9:21 am
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This is a great thread.

Scared, first of all, that I'll lose myself in the relationship. Scared of being suffocated - or on the flip side of being ready to be close and having the other person feel differently.

Scared to a certain extent of finding myself with another "N" (last one took a while to show his N tendencies) - and scared that my experiences with him will mean that I'm too frightened to give someone a chance.

Buuut... I dated someone briefly last year and felt like I was seeing some red flags. It never really got off the ground - I didn't let it. He asked a friend of mine out six months later (she cleared it with me and I was fine with it) and eeeevery single red flag has borne fruit. I feel for her - and I don't think it will last too much longer. Good to know that my radar might not be as crummy as I thought it was - and I'm glad I followed my gut. Wasn't sure at the time if it was just my baggage doing the talking and in this case, it wasn't.

H.

February 9, 2007
4:36 pm
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I exist in a shadow of fear. I sometime still make life choices based on the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of being alone, and the fear of the unknown. In many ways fear can be comforting. Fear is natural for me and a necessary survival tool, it can also be paralyzing. When I live in reaction to fears (be they big or small), that fear is in control of my life.

It is healthy when my fear of loss helps me take steps to protect what I have worked hard to attain, but it is unhealthy to continue to fear something I can do nothing about. I try to remember that focusing my energy on fear can actually create what scares me. Since I can only really control my thoughts and my responses, gaining proper perspective may be key to conquering all fears.

I try my best to assume that my fear is based on a false assumption. I try to disregard past patterns and focus on the present by stilling my that annoying voice that comments critically on all I do.

1. ???
2. ???
3. ???

Perhaps writing your fears down is a positive thing, who am I to say.

Blessing,
Sakti

February 9, 2007
6:45 pm
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2BHAPPY
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I am living through one of my fears right now. Its when there is a man in my life and he says he will call. I immediately go into my abandonement issues and think he will not call me at all. I find that they do eventually call at their own time...but I usually expect a little bit more interest in their calling me right away.

Right now I am just waiting and waiting...It has been 1 week and 5 days since I talked to him and he said he had to take care of things like moving and changing work hours and such...but how long can that take? Why cant he take 5 minutes and just call to say hello or to let me know he hasnt disappeared.

I am now thinking that either he doesnt like me as much as I want him to like me or that he has someone else and he is finishing up that relationship before he can call me again and start something romantic.

Fear is now of ABANDONEMENT. I dont like that feeling. I am this little girl many years ago who was left all alone in the dark not knowing when my mom was going to show up.

 

 

2bHappy

February 10, 2007
2:15 pm
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truthBtold
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I wrote a poem back in 1998 which I think lends itslef nicely to this subject matter:

Unexpected Meeting

Do I unnecessarily stammer and fret....,

or does this person pose a real threat?

From what origins flush my skin with sweat?

(So cool and clammy....so damp and wet.)

I have met with danger - - -

(- - - or rather, danger has met with me........)

But now I am uncertain -

Do I freeze? Fight? or Flee?

I shall call upon
my senses all -------------

(and if need be - even stall - - - -)

To collect my wits,
however small......

.......and judge this person

over

all.

🙂

February 10, 2007
3:49 pm
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triciaisok
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Good thread.

Accountability with healthy friends and paying attention when I meet someone.

The healthy books on dating and paying attention . Seeing this people in diffent settings, How are they communicating when resolving conflict? Some of this takes time. My instincts in the last relationship I had said something was wrong and I would run things by someone I trusted. The guy treated me one way privately and in public at church a different way. Found out he still has the womanizer trait still in him. I even confronted him about another women I found out he asked to go to a concert. He made up some story and I beleived him for awhile . someone asked me What if he is lying. I said I beleive God will let me find the truth out as I continue to seek him on the matter.
He even lied about me to his sopposively accountability partner.
We go to a support group on Thurs. eve. He said we were just friends. This guys has talked of marriage and we romantically kissed and hugged. God I can't believe how the truth of him hurts and I didn't even have sex with him though it was tempting. The passion was there but I wanted the right which wasn't that for now.

I pray for him and have a distance between him and myself. I and others beleive he won't come to the meetings too much longer because he got "found out"/ Others believed he was a womanizer but couldn't pin-point. He was playing other women in the church also. A big church so it took some time to get busted. I pray that he will be in a place to be honest and willing to grow into what God wants him to be. All have to be willing and I don't have to "fix" him. Yeah-progress in the dating thing though i feel the hurt and sadness of it all . I found out early within two months of the relationship. I started journaling to process what was going on inside my head. I do not miss the chaos. I went for a short emotional roller coaster ride and got off. YEAH

February 11, 2007
9:56 am
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Robert123
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Good for you Tricia.

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