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What are the best ways to detach? I need help.
May 27, 2005
10:39 am
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sweetlola
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I read so many of these threads and it appears that attachment and detachment are major issues for so many women (including me). I would like responses from women who have successfully detached. I would like to know what worked and what didn't. I read the book "Codependent No More". I have read the chapter on detachment over and over. I find that it provided insights why I need to detach but not that much information on specific ways. I need help so bad because I am so attached, and it hurts a lot. So anyone who has been through this and came out a better person, please share your experiences. Thanks so much.

May 27, 2005
11:20 am
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ballinMo23
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omg grrl.ive been in ur situation millionz of times.attachment is part of human nature, as humans we want 2 feel needed and wanted but attachment is only okay to a certain extent.what r u attached 2?a person?etc?if i know what ur attached 2 i can help u with ur situation so get bak at me grl.much luv

May 27, 2005
7:01 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweetlola,

I came to this site this last February. I had a male friend with whom I kept minimal contact, yet great emotions and feelings to. I couldn't let go of him, even though I knew that he had some emotional problems and issues.

I recommend you to find out what your hobbies, passions are and find some time to practice and enjoy them. Keep yourself buy, attend coda meetings. Log on coda.org to find out meetings in your area.

Coming to this site was very healing to me and stregthened me to release my friend.

Good luck!

Rasputin

May 27, 2005
11:53 pm
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new day
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Sweetolola, that's a very good question that you asked. I very much respect "Codependent No More" - like you, I read about detachment over and over and she makes good sense.

I know you are looking for responses from those who have been successful, I would be interested in reading that too. I wasn't successful but I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts because I did try it and to be honest it lasted about three weeks - it didn't work for me. Having said that, I believe it could work, it just depends on the people involved and the circumstance. Our situation had just become too crazy by that time and I just couldn't tolerate his behaviour anymore. Looking back, perhaps if I had done it sooner, it might have worked.

My personal view is that it takes an enormous amount of energy and self-assurance and will to detach because the natural state is to bond, so to detach goes against what we naturally want to do. I think that would be hard for anyone and twice as hard for Codeps, with the issues we struggle with. I'm one so I'm just being honest.

For me I found that the energy it took to detach was too much, I would rather put that energy into bonding. It was also difficult to resolve how I could detach and maintain a bond at the same time. Melody makes sense because there is an objective to her theory which is to try and cope and hopefully heal and maybe the bond comes from there so I respect her view. But I couldn't detach because as much as I loved that person, I want to have a relationship that I could be free to bond in and not struggle with. For that reason I had to let go altogether and move on, which has been very scary but the relief and peace comes, trust me and is indescribable.

May 28, 2005
12:18 am
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godscreation
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Sweetola,
Detaching is something so difficult that it took me 20 years of trying repeatedly over and over again. I finally find myself apart from my unhealthy relationship and filing for divorce. I have not been in contact with him for over a year. I am not going to say that it was easy but as time goes by it does get less painful. Cutting all contact was the way for me. Finding a support group and investing your time in something else to fill that void and loss of the relationship. I regret that it took me so many years to get out of something that caused me so much pain and turmoil. However, I am glad to be out of it and look forward to getting healthy emotionally and learning to be happy with who I am with out needing some man to love me and tell me that I am o.k. My focus is now on myself and my life and not on my relationship. My best wishes to you.

May 28, 2005
12:37 am
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new day
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Godscreation I admire your honesty and strength and respect what you've been through. Thanks for sharing that.

May 28, 2005
11:54 am
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Anonymous
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Sweetlola,
I easily could have written the same exact statement/question. I too, know that detachment from a particular relationship is absolutely what I need to do, I just can't seem to do it. For me, it is especially hard because the person I am attached to has no idea of the intensity of my feelings. He thinks of me as a friend and assumes that I share the same feelings. But for me, he is so much more. I don't call him in an attempt to detach but then he will call me and I am right back where I started from. I suppose I could tell him that I no longer want to speak to him. But in reality, that is not what I want. I want to be able to have a normal relationship with him. I want to not care sooooo much. My goal this summer is to get involved in many activities so he will not be on my mind so much. I need to shift the focus off of him and focus on myself. This is definitely easier said than done, but I wil try.

May 29, 2005
10:03 am
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2bstrong
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Thanks for the thread, sweetlola. There are some wonderful thoughts shared here.

newday, thank you for your thoughts on bonding, and detaching. You have enlightened me a bit on something I have been trying to make sense of in my relationship, that if we love, we naturally want to bond. But love is also to detach. I too, wish I had discovered this sooner. It could have helped our relationship.

2b

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