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What am I really doing?
September 16, 2005
1:58 pm
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br549
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I found out six months ago that I am co dependent. I am just now finding out what that means. I was married for 24 years and have been divorced for 6. I started dating a lady two years ago. Everytime she wanted a committment I ran. Everytime I was in the relationship I wanted out everytime I was out I wanted in. I started therapy in March with two questions; Why does it take me so long to make a dicission and why can't I committ to a relationship. After three months I gatered my courage and proposed. She said you threw me away 3 times do you promise to keep me. I said yes. She came home with me. I imediately started feeling trapped but tried to work through it. She grew up in foster homes,5 of them, was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a cronicly depressed mother. Pregnant at 16, married and also took on her 2 yr. old brother to raise. Her child took his life at 18. Her husband turned to drink and adultry. Because of my divorce I wanted a prenup she saw it as me planning to throw her away again. We split. Now I am reading everything I can get my hands on about coda. I find myself wanting to send her copies. I say I am wanting to admitt my role in the break up. Am I really trying to "cure" her or trying to get her back because i need the love and aformation she gave me. Did we ever have a chance? Is it best for her and me to have no contact? How do I move on?

September 16, 2005
2:13 pm
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kathygy
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Don't send her anything about codependency or any personal growth topic. Keep the focus on you. You don't have to fix her or get her to see the 'light'. It is fine if you want to take personal responsibility for your part in the relationhsip not working. Only you know if you trully love her or merely want her back for your ego. Whether you ever had a chance depends on how hard she was willing to work on herself and the relationhsip and how willing you were. If you don't feel that you can give her the love and committment she deserves then leave her alone. She deserves the whole package.

September 16, 2005
2:22 pm
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CAMER
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I think its best now to focus on you and your wants and needs...and not try to go back to her. Part of Coda is working on yourself and not worrying or focusing on other peoples lives....Keep reading the good coda books by Melody Beattie and a good one for men also is "women who love too much" (even though its titled WOMEN) its a good book for men too!!!

best of luck!!!

September 16, 2005
2:33 pm
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br549
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I read co- dependent no more and was confused. I need to try it again. I then read Lee's I Don't Want To Be Alone. I then understood what I have. I saw myself on every page. I cried through the whole thing. I know I love her but don't know if it's for the right reasons. I want what she was giving me and want to be there for her, but both sound like coda. Wanting to "fix" her sounds like coda. It seems I can never have a relationship until I can be comfortable alone. Sounds like a huge catch 22. I am trying to learn. The good days come and go. Mostly I'm scared.

September 16, 2005
2:47 pm
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br549
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Thanks Kathygy,

She was going to therapy with me until the spotlight was turned on her childhood. She told me, "I'm not going back, it hurts too much." She bolted and left within 24 hr. Just took her clothes and left me with her stuff. I can only imagine you get use to that living in 5 foster homes and people telling you it's time to move on at short notice. I had it easy coming up compared to her. If anyone deserves a break she does.

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