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What addicts / alcoholics do.
April 25, 2008
12:34 pm
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atalose
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What Addicts/alcoholic Do

I have posted this before but see a lot of new people here dealing with a loved ones addiction to drugs and or alcohol. This was a response from an addict/alcoholic to the many questions of "why" when asked by those who love them.

What Addicts Do

My name's ----. I'm an addict/alcoholic. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 25, 2008
12:40 pm
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ChristyK
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Wow, my daughter is an addict. She is 20. She has been clean for 25 days thanks to Fairbanks, detox center in Indianapolis. I hope she stays that way and can fight the forces of the urges and stress she will encounter daily.

April 25, 2008
1:03 pm
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lollipop3
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(((ChristyK)))),

My thoughts are with you and your daugher.

Lolli

April 25, 2008
1:35 pm
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July1209
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Wow. That is sooo powerfull.

April 25, 2008
1:44 pm
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Metro
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I am a recovering Alcoholic for over 19 or so years.

I find what was written a very powerful "thump in the head". Made me realize how much I had forgot.

What is really sticking for me and I will keep it close is,

"STOP BEING SURPRISED"

If DH relapses, I will NOT be suprised.

Thanks atalose for posting,

Metro

April 25, 2008
3:34 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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I'm a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug abuser and haven't used either for over 31 years as of this day, but let me never forget where I came from because that is what keeps me going one day at a time. It was a full time job figuring out how I was going to get my booze and drugs and from where and when. The many days of struggling to get up and go out before the liquor store closed. Let me never forget. Ty for posting this.

April 25, 2008
5:01 pm
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brownie
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Atalose thanks so much for posting that that was really deep.I also want to say my thoughts are with you christyk it really is and you tumbleweed.I hope your will continue to stay clean.This touch a nerve in me cuz i am not a recovering addict but my husband is which is gonna surprise each of your.He has been clean for 17 years and i am really at wits with him we are waiting for the divorce to come thru.He had used crack and boy oh boy this may sound crazy but he is still not the same person that i met and fell in love with before using drugs.I had did some research on Crack and from what i see when you take other drugs and get sober from it you become the person you used to be but not with crack.Crack stays in the brain.Even if you been sober for years you are not the same person nomore.

My husband had become a totally different person and it hurted for a long time that i lost him.He became more evil and bitter with me and i was the one that was always there for him even though i had my own issues just as well as my own but he did not see that and now he is playing with my heart and my emotions.He has a gf cuz i left him me and my kids.Him and my eldest daughter never got along and he had assaulted her so that was why we left him so he tries to get back at me by going with this girl and other things.

But thats a long story.But basically i lost him for good i don't think i will ever get the man i fell in love with again.So i really congratulate your for staying clean and taking it one day at a time.Continue to always stick with that and always keep your head up.

April 25, 2008
6:20 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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(((Brownie)))

April 25, 2008
10:05 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Thank you for posting that. It explains so much of what I haven't understood about R. I have finally faced facts and realized he is an alcoholic. This releases me. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Bitsy

April 25, 2008
10:52 pm
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Sparky58
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((Brownie))

Don't fret about the behaviour of your husband. You cannot change him or demonstrate your love to him because he has changed.

I've been in your shoes but in a different way. I review my life now and feel really stupid about myself because I was too involved in my situation instead of listening to my friends and friend what this relationship was doing to me and my children.

Doesn't matter what gender it is...but when one plays games on the other, you have to wonder about their maturity level and if it is truly worth it. You are very important regardless how your spouse treats you. Secondly, your children comes first...no matter what.

I learned it the hard way. I got out. I had everything material you can imagine....and I finally left it behind to be poor and struggling. But, I feel good about myself and never have to look over my shoulders for a crazy man after me and my children.

My children and I were safe and much happy. Money and material possessions can never replace real bond and love. I feel for you.

Again, I don't know you and your issues are different so I am not judging. I'm just understanding here and like to understand more.

April 25, 2008
11:44 pm
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mary2008
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God is this really how alcoholics think and feel? when they say they love you, i also think how can they care or love you..they don't care enough about themselfs or you. if they did they would do what it took for them to be in a better place in their life, and most certainley get it together if they really loved you. As i have posted about me and my waiting and trying for so long with an alcholic and bipolor who does not take meds, I am trying so hard to stick to what i need to do, and he makes it difficult, calls me constantley tries to make me feel guilty..how can you do that to ME, I need you...no thought about what there life styles and behaviors due to you. they are self centered and if they do something nice for you, they will never let you forget it...

April 26, 2008
12:24 am
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Atalose, that was painful to read. Even when something is in the past- it's best not to get too deluded about those memories or history has a way of repeating itself. Great writing too.

My heart goes out to anyone who is currently loving and trying to live with an addict as I did the same. More than once. I also had problems myself, had a hell of a time stopping and I know that motivation has to come from within. It's really hard to know that and feel powerless when you love someone so much who is on such a path of self destruction.

It is hard for parents especially. I put mine through hell and saw my friends do the same, even worse. That's where my experience ends, not being a parent myself. But having been being a difficult "child" I can say, unconditional love doesn't have to allow for manipulation, and addicts are masters at it. When they go through recovery, when they are sober, if they take themselves there, or stay there, --- if a parent is loving, but uses tough love, acts not only out of the child's interest, but a sense of self preservation... I don't know, but I think there's a better chance of the family making it through...even though it's a crazy, bumpy road. A recovered addict will understand that they made people angry, but they will have a better chance if there is still someone who loves them and willing to work on things.

(((ChristyK + daughter))) I'm not making any sense, it just breaks my heart when I see parents on here. But I also have more hope for the younger ones.

April 26, 2008
7:55 am
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Tumbleweed8
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From my experience I can say it is difficult to be two people, the one who cares and takes the children to nice places and provides for them, then there is the addiction which controls everything and ruins every good thing in your life. It would be nice if a person could just turn it off, but usually it does not happen that way. No, not until you've hit bottom whatever and wherever that is for you as an individual. When that happens and you go through your struggling to maintain sobriety and little by little get your sanity back, it does not mean anyone is going to pat you on the back for it. No, instead you are likely to not even be able to have a good relationship with ones you have loved and cared about. It is painful on both sides.

April 26, 2008
4:04 pm
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linda d
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Thanks for this. This is information that I know in my gut and it's so helpful to be reminded of it.

I have been separated, pending divorce from my addict/alcoholic husband for about 9 months. Our relationship was about 16 years total. Sometimes in my moments of despair over this relationship, I find myself wondering if things could have ever been different. I keep hearing his voice in my head telling me that he DOES NOT have a problem, I'm the one that made it a problem by nagging him to change his behaviors! He told me for so long that I just knew too much about him and his past to get past thinking he has a problem.

I have been attending CODA meetings regularly and reading, and really feel that I'm making progress. However, I think that when the reality of this divorce hits me from time to time, I still find myself doubting myself.

I just need to stay focused and trust myself. That's why it's so helpful to come to this site and see other people's posts, even though I don't post much myself, I find encouragement in knowing that my situation is indeed NOT UNIQUE! I remind myself...hmmmm...coincidence? I think not!

So, again thanks for posting this in a time when I really needed some reassurance! It so helped me!

linda d

April 27, 2008
8:44 am
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happyness
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wow, thanks for suggestung this thread... i never thought of him as an addict. but yes this fits. what hit home for me also~~~~~
Stop being surprised! ~~~~ i am always surprised and hurt.

April 27, 2008
9:17 am
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goinghome
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I see so much of my friend in that post.
She lies, cheats, and does not honestly seem to really love anyone. She is mean and hateful with her words, actions, and expressions. She is very self serving and always tries to make it appear as though she is helping you out, but when you look at what she asks of you the end result is always one that would benefit her more then it would anyone else. She says and does cruel things and then says, "don't take it personally." I used to enable her but now I am in the process of detaching. It has been difficult for me and I still fall into her traps. The last time we spoke I realized that I could no longer even talk to her. It has been 10 days since I have had any contact at all with her. She just became increasingly more demanding and bitter because I would not do what she wanted me to do. She used to manipulate me into doing all sorts of things for her and when I started weaning her off those little things that I used to do, she became angry and bitter toward me. She says that it is not fair that I have so much more then she has and that she is jealous of me. She says these things in an attempt to get me to do things for her. I think she thinks that helps to even out the score some how, who knows. I quit doing things for her and now we are just not friends any more. Funny how she just quit needing me. Guess I should not be surprised. GH

April 28, 2008
3:01 am
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pillar
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ChristyK,

There is a NarAnon group (for family of addicts) that meets Thursday night
at Community North hospital. Very caring and helpful people, they helped me keep my sanity when close friend was using.

- p.

April 28, 2008
3:06 am
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ChristyK,

There is a NarAnon group (for family of addicts) that meets Thursday night
at Community North hospital. Very caring and helpful people, they helped me keep my sanity when close friend was using.

- p.

April 28, 2008
10:18 am
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ETHER
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this posting is so true. Dont be surprised because this is what I do. I have been an addict all my life it seems. even in recovery I am still an addict, never forget where I come from because I will be doomed to repeat.

May 20, 2008
1:28 am
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free
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aha!

I searched for this for awhile as it disappeared from the thread page.

As it disappeared from my refrigerator.

Atalose, thank you for this wonderful bit, it is so true.

And going back onto my refrigerator.

free

August 15, 2010
12:00 am
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lauram
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WOW,
I have been clean for 21 days, attending NA meetings regularly, I
know I am an addict, my behavior is obsessive compulsive, and I am
self centered. When using I was mean to others, or withdrawn. I was
taking way over the prescribed amount of pills for over 5 years
almost daily, should be dead or at least have liver damage, I have
neither, so I do thank my higher power daily for that and the
strength to keep me clean each day. As we say in NA, Just for
Today! You cant change people or make them stop using, they have to
make up their own mind. I made up my mind and I know I am an
addict.

August 15, 2010
12:00 am
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curious64
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Congratulations on your sobriety. I know that it is difficult.
But wow, how awesome that you are taking back your life from the
grips of mind numbing substances. Keep up the good work. It is
encouraging to hear your story. My ex is an alcoholic and weed
abuser, but he hasn't come to a place yet where he wants to
recover.

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