Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Well, there was no final goodbye at the birthday meeting... HE didn't show.
December 25, 2005
3:02 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, there it is. But I went, was there for many others b'days, had an absolute blast anyway on Christmas eve, but still missed him a lot. Another instance of God looking out for my back. I am feeling closer to my husband, and keep reaching for my own growth. No backsliding is a good day. But I would slide onto my back for that one still..... and that is unfortunate.

LL

December 25, 2005
11:39 am
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The xbf not showing up (and I've said this before) is a blessing from God - I firmly believe that - especially in light of your current feelings of closness with your husband. It's the right thing, any way you look at it. I think that God is giving you a real honest to goodness chance at happiness with your h and is eliminating your temptation, because you're not doing it for yourself at times, when given the choice. I want complete happiness for you regardless of the man that ends up in your life - but take the signs of grace and light to heart when they're presented to you, and know that they are there for a reason. God is helping you along, which is what we have been praying for these last few months - recognize his will. :o)

I want to hear all about why you feel closer to your husband lately - I think it's great.

Thank you again for getting me through this week - your advice kept me calm when I could have made some pretty knee jerk decisions. I'm so thankful for you, Lass.

Love - Shaney

December 26, 2005
3:47 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Shaney ~ girl,

I am waaaaaaay impressed at your ability to communicate lately. AND keep your own cool. That one line you said to your husband, well, wow- I'm not sure I ever even thought or spoke such sense in my life. I'm glad that I said anything helpful. I just prayed to say the best thing I could to you.

My husband and I are reaching toward talking more, being loving, being less explosive, and bringing up the friendship love too. I am trying to be more giving, and appreciative. I have given him some rubs recently, and spent about two hours telling him all that I knew about him (really general stuff, nothing he could get angry about), stuff like what he likes and doesn't, and his sizes, and little stories on him. He was fascinated by the attention paid to him, about him, and that I had noticed so much. I kept asking, "Am I wrong about any of this yet?" with a little sly grin. I of course got it all right. We tried for about five minutes to do it for me, and he soon realized he had NOT been paying nearly as much attention. It was kind of a turning point. He had been feeling ignored and unappreciated.

We stilll aren't sleeping together in the bed. Many products bought and tried now and none remove his snoring one bit. Need for prayer, or this will always remain a terrible sore point. With fibromyalgia, I need to really sleep or I begin to go downhill fast. This separation makes me feel insecure for our relationship, and when he's angry it comes up to be thrown in my face over and over. He said, "You can't expect me to just stay awake all night for you!" I softly said, "That's the exact point. I can't stay awake all night for you either." He got mad, but was okay the next day. I didn't sleep well after that. U until then, I think he thought it was no big sacrifice on my part to not sleep well for the few nights he's home. But it is a big deal to be kept awake all night even once! Especially if you have an illness off some kind. I think he might have been able to see it from my perspective for just a second. That part really scares me, the difficulty he has seeing anything from my point of view. It is a narcissistic lack of ability to empathize. But keep us in prayer to keep going in the right direction. I am sometimes circling regaining a real commitment to him again. It is fleeting, when he is angry at me, but getting sronger.

LL

December 27, 2005
3:40 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Shaney?

I think Mishy needs some talk time, and maybe misses Crybaby Me.

LL

December 27, 2005
11:17 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am finding that whenever I miss my mom, I also have a lot of feelings come up on the heels of it over the exbf. Really not over him yet. Keep trying to see it realistically instead of fantasyville.

LL

December 28, 2005
12:36 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am beginning to fear that the losses will be forever intertwined, for happening together on the same night.

December 28, 2005
7:42 pm
Avatar
elizabeth anne
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lass

I am sure you felt a little disapointment that he did not show. Perhaps that was his way of saying goodbye. I am glad you were still able to have a good time.
In lue of your situation, perhaps it was a Godsend. Perhaps it would have caused more difficulties in your current situation. Perhaps you knew in the back of your mind that the ultimate decison would have been to work things out with H. Now you have a better chance at your marriage without having dealt with more emotion with someone else. There are no accidents. Perhaps Fate was kind to you.

December 28, 2005
10:06 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lass,

my mom has fibro, so I am aware of the lack of quality of sleep you already get, let alone being woken by snoring, or worse, never falling asleep.

Does he snore when he is on his stomach or side? Does he snore when he is on his back?...my mom has HORRIBLE snoring and sleep apnea - and she was told to wear a fanny pack with tennis balls in it, with the pack on her back, to keep her from rolling onto her back. My BF snores on his stomach or side, so that doesn't work.

There are many doctors that specialize in snoring. Sometimes it's from a deviated septum in the nose - mom had this and had it fixed and the snoring stopped - but then she broke her nose again and all the work was gone. Also, the uvula in teh back of the throat is sometimes the culprit. Weight can make it worse. And there are machines that pump oxygen in your nose that help too - tho I hear they can be noisy from the pump motor.

perhaps you can discuss seeing a specialist at a time where things are calm and you want to show him how important it is to sleep with him.

December 29, 2005
3:39 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ty Ali, for the suggestions. He has a hard time admitting to any defect of his person! Let alone asking a doctor to heal it. He does not trust them one bit. He is stubborn to the bone. If he wants to be stubborn, he gets to sleep alone. I have approached him with the idea that we should work until we find any possible solution, including a c-pap machine. He seems less inclined to harass me about it if it requires something from him. I have considered taping him and making him listen to it. He snores on side, back, whatever. He is overweight, and we discussed that some, but he snored terribly when he wasn't overweight. We are getting along now though. I think he is taking it less as a personal rejection and more as his taking care of himself the way he wants to, and me in the process. It always has come up in fights in the past though, so we shall see....

And yes, EA, I think that i am better off focusing in on my own marriage than the emotion of the exbf. However, my heart has really been hurting for him. I went out back and said some prayers again for him and his marriage, and whatever was on my heart. I have been near tears a lot since Christmas Eve when he did not show. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever get over this one. I have had so much feeling of missing him and my mom tied up together that it is hard to separate them whenever I miss one or the other. It feels like I have lost two of the most important people in my world all at once.

Thanks for caring.

LL

December 30, 2005
12:37 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh shit, I emailed him. Broke open the floodgates again. What a stupid, stubborn person I am. It's like I just WANT WHAT I WANT no matter what. How dare anybody not give me what i want!!! I want the chance to see him and say goodbye. I want the chance to get in his face again. I want to see if he is hurting too. I want him to know I am still hurting. I want to show him I am getting over him. I want to close the door in his face. I want to get him wanting me again but good and then kiss him off...... This is really pitiful.... Can you believe I didn't really consciously know any of this? I was being blind to self. I still want him. Oh jeez. I can't listen to the radio anymore. It is filled with I miss you and I'm horny and can't live without you crap. CRap CRap CRapppppppp.

December 30, 2005
12:40 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I wanted him to know that I was done as of the New Year, and if he wanted to say goodbye, this was it, finito, times up. I am so vulnerable when BOTH my son and my husband are gone. I should have known that.... it was always my trigger before.

I don't know if he is doing the best he can, if he is being righteous, if he is even hurting, if he can't do it, if he wants to do it, if he refuses because he knows it keeps me dangling, if he wants me still, if he wants to keep hurting me. I have to stop this, I really do. I knew that I was hurting ever since Christmas Eve, really despondent, kinda snarky. I am really okay, seeing it clearly, it just takes my socks off to know how much of a hold I have allowed that man in my heart and head. SHIT!

December 30, 2005
1:47 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

December 30, 2005
2:26 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What the hell is up Lass!!! My sweet sweet girl - we have to get you calmed down here.

"Family" times of year are always going to bring back those memories of lost loved ones. I'm just so sick that you lost your mother at the same time your relationship with the bf was ending. I can see how thinking of one makes you think of the other - of course it does - that makes perfect sense. The only suggestion that I have is when you think of your mother - try to think of the wonderful times that you spent with her... not when you lost her. Also, rest assured that she is still with you - constantly around you, watching you... hanging out with you while you take your walks, do your chores, while you make your lassoo baskets.... she's everywhere - think of her in this way. Talk to her and make her real to you here in the present - that way the events surrounding her passing don't seem so prominent and heavy.

As for the bf - I know you still have that need to see him, love him, get him back for what he's done to you emotionally.... all of it. But the fact that he has not replied to your repeated attempts at contacting him, tells me that he has not only avoided tying up all of the loose ends that he left behind him - but that he has definitely moved on. As unfair as this situation seems and as hurt as you are by this, you can't make him react the way that you want him to. It's destrctive tonly to you, for you to keep trying. Having your son and h away now is giving your head too much time to fill up with these swirling thoughts of regret and sadness. Please redirect your energie elsewhere - get out of the house - visit a friend, start a new project - become involved in a new group... meet some new people. Pray.

Keep in mind that you are not writing the script for your life - God is. Trust that not hearing from the bf is the right thing, regardless of how much it hurts you. If he doesn't write back or contact you after this last email - will you give him another sort of deadline to contact you to say goodbye? Maybe, in his own cowardly way, he has already said goodbye by not contacting you? I'm sorry Lass - we always deserve more than what is given to us by these inconsiderate people that we invite into our lives. It's not fair, I know. I'm hoping that you can leave this situation in the past, which is where it certainly belongs. We need to accept the bad things that have happened this last year as things that we can't change - they're done. Let's look ahead now, and make better decisions about the new endeavors in which we can have positive input. Let's make a difference in our lives by putting our energies into people and things that are deserving of your attention and effort. The bf doesn't deserve any more of your effort.

Love you honey - and I'm praying for you and your heart!

December 30, 2005
11:47 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for seeing me Shaney, honey. I guess I just wanted one last shot at him before New Years Resolution Time. I really did want to see him and to say goodbye, ya' know? He is such a stinker. He didn't want to let me. Why? Who knows. To hurt me by witholding, knowing that would keep me strung out for a good long while. Not wanting to let go of his supply. He said to me once before he left, "I think you'll always come back to me," with a little pleased smile. It is about his narcissism to some degree. That, and he didn't want to put himself through any tears or turmoil. He wanted to look like a righteous person while screwing me to the floor in my own mind and heart. He knew all I needed was a gentle goodbye. He even said to me before he left, "Wouldn't you rather get to be friends forever than lovers for a short while?" And then never returned.

I am okay, just needing to turn a new leaf and reach out again. I can't believe how much I have let this man hurt me and hurt myself by grinding my emotions over him. I really loved him, ya' know? I may never stop. But I will move on. It is over. Full stop. Come New Years, it won't happen again. I am still a little squiggly until then. It's like I want to communicate what is on my heart and mind to him, make him at least hear me saying goodbye. Chickenshit. Maybe he hoped we could still be friends some day, like his old girlfriend and him. Not gonna happen. Crossed and torched that bridge a good ways back. I think I scared him when I told him once that I wouldn't likely tell my husband, but I might. He kind of freaked and asked me about it twice. I just said I wasn't willing to say never. Then I heard he was moving. I think he got a little fear of God going. He knew my husband is a big, big guy, and he is smaller, more like me. Anyway, enough rambling. I can't believe I am back here again, but oh well. I went to an AA mtg today. I have been busy going shopping and taking hours making simple decisions. I am going out on New Years to an AA event: dinner, speaker, dance band. Solo. Like usual. I invited a couple of safe male friends to meet me there.
What is up with my heart? I guess I really had been hoping to see him at Christmastime like he had said. Liar.

LL

December 31, 2005
5:12 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel like I really said some things I wanted to say tho, both to him and just here on these posts. I have been afraid to really be angry at him. Afraid to blame and get stuck. But a little anger is healthy toward seeing it realistically and breaking free from obsession. i want to be free. I went to three AA mtgts. today.

Lass

December 31, 2005
5:18 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

And Shaney? I am trying hard to recall Mom's life and memories more and her passing less. That ws an important suggestion. Thanks. Help me, please! I am still struggling.

LL

December 31, 2005
12:24 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh honey - I know how you feel. I remember telling you about my Gary saga, when I couldn't let go of that over-romanticized image in my head, of what a perfect love we had. I remember seeing him at a concert, with his new wife... we both sort of freaked out - I could see the look on his face as I'm sure he could tell I was floored too. He introduced me to his wife, like a perfect gentleman and that was it. I could tell that we both had a mouthful that we could have launched onto eachother, but we didn't. I remember feeling angry that we couldn't just say what we wanted to say, one last time. I was obsessed to know where he was every minute for the rest of the concert - it ruined me and brought me back to questioning whether we really could have had the perfect future together.
It's been YEARS since that, and I still think about him once in a while...but only when my current situation is taking a turn. Ya know, sometimes we just don't get that chance... and I have to think it's for a good reason - it has to be. I don't believe that we're meant to just suffer from regret and anger for the rest of our lives because of unresolved situations. Keeping yourself busy is the right thing to do at this point, and just pray for the strength to get through it. Personally, I've always thought that when you pray to God for help, before making what you know to be the right decision in His eyes, He holds back. But once you make the right decision and take the right path, He lifts you up and helps you down that path. Why would He help you to do the wrong thing? You did a great job getting through this before - I think that this bit of anger that you're feeling will help to get you through this particular bout of sadness, even quicker. Let's hang in there together and pray for the strength to make the right decision for the right reasons. Put the bf behind you for all of the reasons that he deserves to be there. One N in your life is enough - ha! When is your son coming home? Will that help?

January 1, 2006
5:23 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh Shaney,

I guess I just have regret when there is even a day or two with husband and son gone, when I could have spent time with exbf. I feel like my life just gets pissed away sometimes.

I went out tonight, looking fabulously cute, got hit on by someone I had already turned away, but after all I was fabulous.....

I guess it helped to know someone finds me fine.

It was exbf's old sponsor. He and I almost had a thing once, but I stopped that dead cold. He is my distant friend, held there at my arms length.

Exbf showed up at Friday night mtg over here again, one hour before I went to a mtg. I am kicking myself for not going earlier, and of course he wanted only to "accidentally" meet me after my email, I'm sure. It drove me near insane to hear it.

I am going to have to wake up to a New Year and let it go. It is too late now to see him again now until summer when son goes to his dad's. And I hate this. It is deja vu all over again. how if only I had turned left instead of right, I might have guessed he would do that, and been there. I want to believe it is God answering my prayers, but I am so double-minded, it is all He can do to protect me from myself!

My heart is just aching and breaking right now. I simply cannot imagine why this man got to me so badly. He never spent enough time with me to ever disavail me ov the idea that he is awesome, even though I know he was a shit to me, too. He was trying to be righteous. I can't have my love. And it hurts something awful.

I think he wanted to see me, but only by accident, not by any wrongdoing on his part. He would have left that entirely up to me....

Your advice is sound, Shaney. I am just telling it like I feel it. I wish you a happy new year. I really danced tonight, with a few great guy friends. Went out to breakfast, rolled in at 2:15. Goin' to bed, sweets. Just help hold my heart together right now. I am really feeling this, and not running to replace him with someone else, something I could have easily enough done tonight. I am so glad I had my heart caught up still, or I just might have. I know better now. How much this dalliance shit can kick you in the head.

LL

January 1, 2006
12:50 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Please help me.

January 1, 2006
1:05 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Happy New Year Lass. I wish I could make your pain and helplessness stop.

I guess I can only suggest that maybe its time to try to let go of him. I know it hurts, but holding on to him will only make it worse. You're not free and available to him, and perhaps he knows it can't lead to anything now.

It will take some great efforts on your part to do this. One way would be to NOT try and run into him at meetings. He knows where to find you. A chance meeting maybe not change things. When you think of him, try to do something to stop. Go for a walk, go tend to your horses, work out, whatever you need to do to take your mind somewhere else.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Try to get out today.

(((Lass)))

SD

January 1, 2006
1:38 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ty SD.

January 1, 2006
1:52 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lass, I didn’t read the whole thread, but you’ve said that you e-mailed him again? Hmm, I can imagine that you are not doing so well...

I wouldn’t be worry that you would replace him with someone else...He is not so easy to replace.
What I worry about is the duality within yourself, this wanting – not wanting, being graceful that you didn’t meet him, being happy that you've met...

You asking yourself why he is able to do that to you… In the other thread you’ve said that your mother was N. That is at least a part of your answer to the question why he got under your skin. Try to read more on Inverted Narcissism and think about yourself, if you don’t have or didn’t have those characteristics. You’ve said that it seems like you have a need to admire...even if you disposed of those traits, there is always something within us which stays. I am not sure about your marriage, but you’ve expressed several times that your husband was abusive. It seems to me like your x is much more sophisticated then your husband; at least his abuse seems to be...That may be another reason. Look into your past addiction – what were the reasons for that; they might be similar or the same...
There maybe other reasons, but you must look into yourself very deeply and carefully, which is not always easy, but you have to do it, because help for you must come from within you, Lass.

I saw you writing about your situation on several threads, I can feel and relate to your pain. I know how terribly hard is in my case to get him out of my system; it feels like he is in my bloodstream… What you’ve said I think he wanted to see me, but only by accident, not by any wrongdoing on his part. I don’t believe it. He wanted you to see him, he needs to know that you are still missing him; he wants your attention, because it is so, so very important to him. I don’t believe that once he didn’t intend to make you think about him, I think he deliberately continues to torture you. He doesn’t empathize how much he does torture you, but he might be able to conceptualize it; anyway, that doesn’t diminish your pain. If he was decent, he would avoid you at all costs instead popping out here and there all the time. He knows that no contact is so important to you and he wants to interrupt it.

It seems like you are living in a small community, where everybody knows everyone and that makes it so much more difficult not to contact or hear about him. I don’t know if you can cut your AA meetings, but if you can, why not? You have to take care of yourself, Lass, because nobody else will, sadly. I am not contacting G., which was very difficult in the beginning; now it is easier. Think about it that your best friend whom you want to know all your thoughts went far away and you cannot communicate anymore. Write to him here if you have to. This helps me distance myself in a way that I don’t turn to him anymore with my thoughts and feeling, and that means I have to go closer to others, instead of relying on him. I hope that you can make sense out of what I am trying to say. I would avoid at all costs the “incidental” meetings with him. There will be no final good-bye; he does not want you to say it to him, there will not be any bloody closure to you, unless you will close it. If you have to keep the door open, think about very far future, maybe another existence..., but avoid him by all means! Please don’t let him do it to you over and over again! Make that a New Year Resolution! Hugs,

Matteo

January 1, 2006
8:45 pm
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, Matteo

That really helped. I know with an N it is easy to kind of put all the crap on them, when so much of it is my own romantic fantasy. But with an N, like we understand 'em, they are so subtle that just showing up IS enough to keep me strung out. He DOES know that about me. He doesn't so much want me, he doesn't want to lose me even more.

Our situations are untenable. We are both still raising children and involved with other partners to some degree that resembles marriage! His ex wife lives with him still, and my husband always on the road.

I am realizing that I like to be squirming over somebody, not just somebody, my dream love, and torture myself with this romanticized angst, this painful, awful, intense desire.

I believe that only God has been protecting my back by not having him find me yet. I have pulled back from mtgs a lot. I get lonely. I will have to pretend that maybe one day when we are old and grey.... Then I think, do I want to get messed with by this guy in the future? F- no.

I am just enjoying the pain, real inverted N stuff? I wonder if my masochism is a part of this. I resent people taking advantage of me, I am strong, and even pushy sometimes, not a complete doormat. But for others, I just lay myself down, willing victim.

Lass

January 1, 2006
8:56 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((MamaB)))

Sorry for the inconvenience of your birthday. I hope you will be able to make up for it in some way or another.

When it comes to your daily interactions with your hubby and his narcissistic traits, there was thread which was recently started about "Curing Narcissism." I found it very invaluable.

Perhaps you could print it out and show it to your hubby and discuss it with him in a loving way. Men have an ego and we have to be careful when we address them lest it gets hurt.

I promise to keep you in my thoughts and prayers for this issue.

Keep us posted, happy new year to you and yours!

~Love, Ras~

January 1, 2006
9:07 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry, I meant (((Lass))) not MamaB! I got confused with another thread.

So the message remains as it is addressed to (((Las)))

~Ras~

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714258
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information