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Well.....I did it.
November 9, 2005
7:27 pm
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lollipop3
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LOL tc......

Lolli

ps.....shrub

November 10, 2005
12:56 pm
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lollipop3
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Here we go again.....

He called last night, just to say Hi.

He called again first thing this morning (which he hasn't done in well over a month, maybe 2) to tell me that his job site has changed and he is only 40min. away so now he will home much earlier.

I didn't say much of anything in either conversation.

He is obviously testing the waters to see how I am going to react. Again, he is just disregarding what I have said to him.

I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something. Like I am talking but I am the only one that can hear myself!

I kept both calls brief and I ended both conversations by saying that I had to go but I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I do not feel strong enough for this yet. I know that if he would just leave me alone I would be okay. But he is obviously not going to do that.

Apparently this is not going to be over until I completely hate his guts. I don't want that to happen but I also know that I don't have the strength at this point to keep being "rude" to him.

WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET HELP OR LEAVE ME THE F%$$ ALONE??????

November 10, 2005
1:11 pm
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He is baiting you.

I think we all said he would.

He didn't truly mean it when he said he would move or that he didn't want YOU to play the games...he was only reacting out of hurt.

And funny - but we tend to be critical of others, the things we are most critical of in ourselves.

It isn't you playing the games - it is HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

After all this time, he is working closer to home? how coincidental!

I know you feel weak - and I hate that you feel that way - I know how it goes...my ex boyfriend - the alcoholic - was EXACTLY this way. when I broke up with him, he kept running back to me - he couldn't stay away - always said he missed how I made him feel. And in the beginning, he broke up with me once and I begged him to come back. so every time - he would say "don't beg me to come back"...yet it was him that came back...just cuz of that one time - he never let me forget it.

Anyway - it was always hard - and he was good - he would show up late at night, knowing I wouldn't make a scene or wake up the family. So I would let him in - and he would just want to talk - which always led to "can I crash here" - which always led to "can I sleep in your bed - i promise I won't touch" - which always led to cuddling - which led to the usual - which led to another ticket on the emotional roller coaster from hell.

He isn't going to leave you alone. Letting you go after you broke up with him is damaging to his ego. He probably wants to break up with you - so he can feel like the one that did the damage, instead of feeling the damage.

Can you shut the phone off? not answer it? I know he lives downstairs, but do you think he would come up if you just didn't answer? Can you answer, but cut him off and say you are busy, you will call him back later (and then don't)?

I know you don't have the strength to be rude - but you need to find "some" strength to deflect his manipulation.

Funny - you said this is not going to be over until I completely hate his guts.

Well, when I broke up with the ex, I used to joke that it would take something TRULY horrible before I would walk away completely.

Well, I was dead on.

I had gone back to him after breaking up with him to date my current BF. And right away things went downhill fast - just like I suspected. All his promises were just bullshit to get me back. Well, I had the pin number to his cell. And one day I heard a woman (his internet friend from wisconsin) telling him how much she enjoyed last nite, she couldn't wait to continue, she loved talking to him, etc....she was calling him babe and saying I love you....this was IT, this was what I needed. I was LIVID. To my face, he called her names, and said that he just liked talking to her. She had sent him stuff for xmas and other random times.

So, I went to his house when he was at work, and I took back everything I had given him....pots, pans, dishes, silverware, towels, clothes, cleaning stuff, appliances - everything that I had given him to help him settle into his new house. I left him with nothing but paper plates, and the trash in the garbage. In the process, I also took "back" some items given as gifts on previous holidays.

Stupid me left a note too...but should have left it alone...I left the note with the hat she has just sent him as a gift.

Well, he could have cared less about the household things...but he was LIVID about the other things....apparently he was very fond of the items I had given as gifts....

So he called the police and tried to have me arrested.

It got ugly and I could have gone to jail, but my reputation was clean and his wasn't...so I came out okay....

BUT, it was UGLY - still is.

But it had to get ugly to end - or it never would have.

So I can totally relate.

Funny, I still have most of the items I took - and think I should ebay them...but guilt and the fear of getting caught keeps me from doing it...and I was angry cuz I couldn't find a few items...but oh well.

anybody need a harley davidson pool cue or balls? brand new in box!!!

lol

I can relate...just sit tight and ride this storm out....get out of the house if you can...leave the phone at home....and see what happens.

November 10, 2005
1:47 pm
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Shaney
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Morning Lolli -

My ex bf used to do the same thing - it was hard. I'd kick him the hell out and he would be back the next day, mixing up a protein drink in the blender before he went to the gym. I finally changed the locks so he couldn't get in while I was at work and make himself at home. He flipped out when he couldn't get in. He called me at work all crazed. I calmly said, "Look, you're obviously not getting it. My home isn't your f%@* juice bar anymore - you need to move on. I'm serious."

You have to be stern and serious. Otherwise all of this torment and upset is for nothing, lolli. What's the point in going through these constant withdrawl symptoms of a breakup... if you never really break up? What about all of his post break up "relief" talk, and plans of moving out? I'm not giving you a hard time, you know I wouldn't do that to you... but if you truly want him to leave you alone, you need to remind him of his plans to move out when he says things like "his job site has changed and he is only 40min. away so now he will home much earlier." The alternative is for him to get help - which he admittedly doesn't want any part of. It's torment to let go but it seems to be more torment to stay and endure this neverending cat and mouse game that you two play.

I'll support you as long as you need me to (no matter what you do) - but I do hate seeing you let down constantly - plus he's holding you back from your full potential. He keeps you in this invisible straight jacket - I've had one of those before, and it feels really good to finally take it off. You'll get through this - just be confident in your abilities to see what's right for you in the long run.

I'm going to get more coffee before I pass out here at my desk. :o)

November 11, 2005
11:01 am
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Bumping this up...

Lolli - how are you today?...did last night go any better? What's the plans for the weekend?

November 11, 2005
11:49 am
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Hi Ali,

Things were okay last night. I didn't hear from him again after yesterday morning and I had school last night. I didn't get home until almost 10pm and I'm sure he was sleeping by that point.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my girlfriend's house. She has insisted that I get out of the house. I can see her point and I agree with her. The problem that I have with that is that she wants me to go to her house and hang out with her and her husband. I wouldn't mind getting out if was to actually DO something but if I'm just going to watch television or something, I would rather be home. Also if it was just going to be the two of us....I wouldn't mind just hanging out but her husband is not my favorite person in the world and I am really not in the mood to deal with his ignorance. Of course, I would never say that to her, so if I DON'T go, she will assume it is because I want to "stay stuck". So, I don't know what to do. I am going to suggest that she and I do something together but I don't know if she will want to because Sat. is her day for her and hubby. Or perhaps, I will just go, even though I don't want to and I will just leave if he says something rude.

Like I said, if we were actually go to do something, I would have no problem with it. I just don't want to go out, just for sake of going out. Make sense?

Anyway....something that I am looking forward to is next Tues. My sister called and said all I need is $10, comfortable shoes and a willingness to have fun. I asked what we would be doing and she said it was a surprise. I love suprises! I had my therapy appt. for Tues. but I was able to reschedule it for tonight.

Soooo, that is what's going on here.

Overall, I am just trying not to think too much and hope for the best.

Thanks for checkin' in.

Love,
Lolli

November 11, 2005
12:32 pm
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well, I think maybe you can bunk over at your friends house - it's nice of her to offer - but if you find the need to - tell her you have errands to run and go walk the mall or window shop, go to the library or park or something...run errands if you need to...go to the library and do your homework...go to the coffee house and read some books and sip some good hot "something"...go get your nails done, or a hair cut or something....you don't need to be under your friend's wing.

Ask her if SHE wants to go with you - and if she declines, tell her you will return later.

If her intention was for you to BE WITH HER all weekend, then maybe take a board game or movie or cooking/baking project along so you can keep busy and perhaps away from some of the husband's behaviour....not sure about this guy, but most guys stay out of the kitchen if they can help it...or away from a chick flick...but maybe will play board game....just something to do instead of "sitting"....take a book or two to read and find a quiet corner - she knows you are hurting, so if you crawl into yourself, she might not mind and might understand.

I hate going to a friend's house to "sit" and watch tv...always a pet peeve...life is too valuable to sit in front of the tv.

November 11, 2005
4:17 pm
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lollipop3
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Things are lookin' up.

I called my girlfriend and asked if she wanted to go to a local art show tomorrow. She said she would.

I am so glad. I really didn't want to go to her house but didn't feel like explaining myself either. I didn't want to hurt her by saying I didn't want to hang around with hubby but I knew that if I declined she would think it was because of b/f.

I am really happy that it worked out this way because I DO want to get out of the house and now I have something to look forward to.

November 11, 2005
5:59 pm
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See how it works out?...all you have to do is ask....unfortunately, I asked and got shot down - and boy is it hurting.

November 11, 2005
6:30 pm
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lollipop3
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Ali,

Asked who, what? And why did you get shot down?

November 11, 2005
9:28 pm
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As unbelieveable as all this has been...it just keeps getting worse.

B/F just called to let me know that his mother had a heart attack this morning and things are not looking good.

I'll tell ya.....Somebody out there is REALLY trying to test my strength.

I told him that I was sorry to hear that and I would keep her in my thoughts. He said he was going to see her tomorrow. I didn't offer to go...and he didn't ask...thank God.

How the hell am I supposed to say "no" if he asks?

I just hope he doesn't ask.

Good grief.....will it ever end?

Lolli

November 11, 2005
10:49 pm
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readyforachange
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God never gives you more than you can handle...you'll pass the test.

Hang in there.

Hugs for strength:

((((((lolli))))))))))

November 11, 2005
11:06 pm
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Lolli-

Wow, it is so true, we focus on the charming aspects or the parts of their personality that hooked us in. People are not all good or bad, but it doesn't mean that they make for good mates. Being good to him is not being good to yourself. I know it is so hard to let go of someone you gave so much power. I had a thread last week about HP, power, and abuse of power. My first post is the one to read. Essentially, I talked about making people into HPs. Regardless of your religious beliefs, these people are mere mortals, but they take on supernatural powers to us. We give them so much power, because they qualities we find so incredibly endearing. Once they have the power, they abuse the power. They no longer are the charming guys we first met and got hooked on. We desparately want that person back, that person, and only that person without the abuse of power part. The fact is, it is a strange phenomenon, because we are mere mortals, as well, yet we do not understand the irrational abusive personality. We don't connect with that part. We connected with the other part, and that is what we remember, miss, and related to. No matter how much you want that part only, if you want him, you get all of him. I know it is hard to understand, because you just aren't a hurtful person. You cannot think for him, behave for him, and thus, you cannot control him. You only have yourself and your integrity. Sometimes, we just don't understand how he can take something that seemed so simple, so right, and make it so difficult, ruining everything. I am sorry, girlfriend. Grieving is normal, and it really hurts. At the same time, you are a brave woman. Love, Nesh

November 11, 2005
11:57 pm
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Hi Lolli, breaking up with someone is really hard. I always wished they taught "breakup" class in school or that perhaps parents taught us how to do that...just like they teach us how to tie our shoes and help us with our homework. I've struggled with this so badly. It's going to be rough I'm sure but trust me you have to be proud of yourself for wanting something better for yourself. You deserve to be treated wonderfully and nothing less. I send my love and support. You are one super fox, remember that. Big hug, HP

November 12, 2005
3:19 am
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Hi Lolli,

Just checking up on you hon to see how things are going. I read your last response about your BF mum, how is she going. Have you spoken to your BF again, has he put your strength to the test...again??

Mysti

November 12, 2005
8:28 am
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Thanks everyone for you responses.

Ready and HP---- thank you for your kind words and thanks for the hugs too, I needed that.

Neshie----

I hear you loud and clear. I read that whole thread about HP, abuse of power, etc. Believe it or not that flashed through my mind as I was sitting in a restaurant being told what I "should" be talking about. At that moment, I took my power back. Thank you.

Mystie-----

No, I have not heard back from him. He said he had to work this morning and then he was going back to the hospital. I have plans with my girlfriend today and forgive me for saying this but I hope I don't hear from him before then. I want to go out with my friend and I know that if he calls and asks that I go with him....I will be really torn and will more than likely go with him. But knowing him the way I do, he probably wouldn't ask anyway. He is one of those people that says he wants to be alone and then holds it against you if you leave him alone. He likes to believe that he is a "victim" and "on an island by himself". The only thing he doesn't take into consideration is that HE is the one that makes it that way.

I did leave my phone on last night, just in case he called in the middle of the night with bad news. But he never called so I can only assume that nothing has changed with his Mom.

As I said, I was kind and sympathetic but I held firm and didn't offer anything other than my prayers.

Thank you all so much for your support.

Love,
Lolli

November 12, 2005
4:49 pm
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Lolli-

Thanks for keeping us posted. I will check back on you again. Hang tough.

Love, Nesh

November 12, 2005
7:00 pm
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Lolli-

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. This "pulling away" process sucks, but I know you believe you have to do it, so keep your eyes focused on where you are headed (not where you are right now), and you will get there one step at a time.

Nesh - All I can say is WOW! That is powerful, girl! Thank you for putting words to what I've been feeling. Printing that one out to "remind" me when I start going "soft".

Love to all...plz

November 12, 2005
10:58 pm
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Plz~~~~ Thank you for your kind words.

I am having a little difficulty tonight.

He had said last night that he was going to work this morning and then going to the hospital to see his mother. I haven't heard from him at all today.

I went out with my girlfriend for lunch and the art show and had a good time. I was feeling good until he came home a little while ago.

Now I feel guilty.

Because I haven't heard from him, I assume that his mother is the same. But I feel guilty that I haven't called to see if he is okay.

I really need to break this cycle so I don't think that calling him is a good idea, but not calling goes against who I am as a person.

I hate to sound so selfish, after all his mother having a heart attack is awful and should not be about me at all....but why did this have to happen right now?

Is this how it is supposed to end.....where I am so cold that HE doesn't want anything to do with me?

I'm not sure what I should do, but I can tell ya....this doesn't feel good at all.

Any support, advice, words of encouragement....would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Lolli

November 12, 2005
11:55 pm
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((((((Lolli))))))) Oh honey, I soooooo understand your dilema! It's hard when you are trying to make a stand to stay tough when the one we love is hurting. That's what WE do best....RESCUE! Unfortunately, there are no written rules when it comes to matters of the heart.

Have you thought about leaving a card on his vehicle or his apt. door that lets him know you are praying for his mother? That way YOU would feel better that you were not ignoring his situation, and you wouldn't be directly making contact. I know how you must feel. But if he's anything like my ex, if you open the door just a crack, he will take this opportunity to take advantage of your kindness and caring, and try to use this time to get close to you again without having to resolve any issues.

After 6 weeks of no contact with my ex, I called him to retrieve a computer that belonged to me. My intent was ONLY to get my computer back. He took it as an open door to start communication with me again. I had been kind during our brief contact that day, but I think he thought that since I no longer acted like I was angry or hurt, that EVERYTHING WAS OK!
The very next day, I received an email from him professing his love for me. I thought about my response. Wrote him back saying I wasn't really sure what to say, but that maybe we could talk sometime soon. HE NEVER TOOK ME UP ON THE OFFER. He would call me and sent me a few more emails, but NEVER made any attempt to apologize for the way he had treated me or discuss our issues. He totally wanted to sweep everything under the rug and move forward like nothing had happened.

Well, that wasn't working for me. I was always kind, but very distant in my response to his calls and emails, and he kept asking me "what's wrong"? I finally told him, "Never mind, my bad." Then he went off on me again saying that he never could do anything right, so he didn't know why he even tried. So, another few weeks of silence, and here we are at 4 months now. It's been up and down for me, but I KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING. So I have a peace, yet I miss talking to him, spending time with him, loving him.

You will make it! We will make it! I gain great strength from the people who post on this board and from my God. And I'm learning that my feelings really do count, and I should never ever settle for anybody's crumbs. Hang in there, Lolli! You have a tremendous strength that shows thru your posts. That's how I know you will be just fine, my friend:)

Love to you....plz

November 13, 2005
8:36 am
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lollipop3
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Plz......

Thank you for your response.

If you have read any of my threads you will know that my situation is very similar to yours.

He does the same EXACT thing. He says terrible things and just refuses to acknowledge it or apologize. Like you....it just isn't working for me anymore.

I thought about it a lot and decided not to call last night. I did, however, call this morning. Again, I didn't offer anything, I just asked how he was doing and told him that he and his family were in my thoughts.

I feel for him. I know that he must be having a very difficult time right now. Not only is his mother dying, but he is also trying to maintain his sobriety without benefit of a program and is now surrounded by family that he has been "cast out" of for almost 20 years (his own making of course).

I honestly didn't contact him as a girlfriend to a boyfriend. I contacted him as one human being to another. If he takes it some other way and thinks I have opened a door....he is mistaken. And that will be his problem, not mine.

After much soul searching last night.....I do not believe I can be "sucked" back in at this point.

I believe that it is over, but it is just my nature to care about others and as I've said before....that is one quality about myself that I don't want to change.

Love,
Lolli

November 14, 2005
6:05 am
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Hi Lolli, I think thats a wonderful quality to have. As long as you know in your conscience that you have played your part as a genuine friennd then it shouldn't matter if he thinks anything else.

It isn't nice when they say terrible things, although i wish mine would say terrible things rather than see his actions towards things,we've all heard the saying "actions speak louder than words" well mine isn't very verbal at all, in fact his actions speak a million thousand disgusting words and his expressions are always the same. Not happy,not sad,not excited,not depressed,not loving not with hatred..just nothing.

Anyway, i'm glad you feel so positive about not being with him, it's so great to hear some good news like that. Your spirits are high thats what i like about you...

Mystie

November 14, 2005
10:34 pm
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Lolli -

Just bumping this back up for you. How are you doing with this today?

Thinking of you...

plz

November 14, 2005
10:46 pm
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Hey Plz......

I'm doing okay. I'm still so confused about what the right thing to do is.

I saw him this morning. He told me that when he went to the hospital yesterday, his family told him that him being there made them uncomfortable and asked him to leave. Can you even imagine that?

I don't know how I feel about it. Obviously he has caused his family great pain in the past. Perhaps whatever he did, they cannot forgive him for. I just don't know. Despite our differences, he really has come a long way from where he used to be. He was a very violent person and spent a lot of his younger years in and out of jail. He has not had any trouble of that sort in many years now. He has been sober for over a year. He has a good job and makes good money. He wants so badly for his family to give him credit for these things but it doesn't seem as though they can.

I want to reach out to him but I am afraid of what will happen if I do. He is so alone right now. He has absolutely no support system. On the one hand I want to be that friendly voice to him but on the other hand, I think he may NEED to feel completely alone if there is any chance for him to change.

I am just so confused. I want to do the right thing but I don't know what the right thing is.

I wish they could just let it go, if even just for a while so that he can be with his mother in her last days.

What a mess.

Thanks for checkin in.

(((hugs)))

Lolli

November 14, 2005
11:15 pm
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(((Lolli)))))

You are a very wise young lady and I know you will figure out what is the right thing to do. Try not to torture yourself over it too much.

You are right that he may need to feel completely alone in order to change. That is EXACTLY what I have been doing with my exbf. I am still holding out hope for a reconciliation at some point, but until everything else he "runs" to turns up empty and he truly realizes for himself what it's gonna take to turn his life around, change cannot happen. I release him daily to God, ask Him to teach my exbf while he's in this "desert place", and return him whole and healthy to me (if that is in the plan). I also understand that letting go means he may NEVER come back as the man I hoped he would be. So I live each day as fully as I can, and have faith that God is working in his life (without my help *wink*)

I know your heart is heavy. But you are strong, you have endured so much, and you are a survivor! Don't ever forget that!

Take care of yourself. Be kind to Lolli, and remind her of where she's been and how far she's come:)

Love, plz

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