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Well.....I did it.
November 8, 2005
8:47 pm
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lollipop3
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To all of those in the know....and to those who want to know.....

I finally broke it off tonight.

I have truely been at my wits end these days, sinking farther and farther into depression. I have been crying constantly and was beginning to feel defeated.

I have tried over and over and over again to have a mature, rational conversation with him. It is impossible. The harder I try, the worse he is getting. At this point he is just incapable of having that type of exchange. No matter what I say or how I try to address our issues he just explodes with digs, put downs, jabs, talking over me, yelling, etc. until I end up in tears.

It all came to a head tonight. I tried to talk to him again yesterday....it didn't work. I left a message on his machine telling him that I loved him. I told him that I thought he was sick and needed help. I told him that I was heartbroken that he was willing to give up on himself as well as our relationship. And I asked that if he was unwilling to get help, then to please just let me go. He called me when he got home to say that he was going to put my mail in my mailbox. I asked if he listened to his messages....he said no but he would. I didn't hear back from him until today.

He called me at work. The first thing he said was that he hadn't listened to his messages. LIE. I know that he listened. He just wanted me to believe that he hadn't so that he could just disregard what I said. That's what he always does.....he disregards ANYTHING I say. He said he got out of work early to go to court with me (I had to go to court tonight for a traffic tkt) and asked what time we would leave. I felt so completely defeated. I said 5:30.

At 5:30, I went downstairs and the first thing he said was....give me a kiss. I did. We went to court and were in and out in 10 minutes. He immediately got on the highway and headed to the city. He said "I have to go somewhere, I hope you don't mind taking a ride" I responded by saying, it didn't seem as though I had a choice. He drove to a restaurant. He said he was taking me for a celebratory dinner because my tkt. had been dismissed.

We went inside, sat down, ordered and started to have a conversation. He talked about what he wanted to talk about (his mother, to gain my sympathy I'm sure). The subject changed and we started to talk about t.v. I mentioned a show that I had watched Sun. night and before I got half way through what I was saying, he said "I don't want to hear about Larry King.....I don't mean to cut you off but why don't you talk about work or something". In that moment, I hated him. I hated him for always making me feel bad. I hated him for making me feel so unimportant. I hated him for making me hate myself.

I sat there for a moment and then I said it. I told him.....this is over. I don't want to be with you anymore. This has to end right now. He said fine....if that's what you want .....you got it. That's a wrap. It's done. He then started to put me down. I said to him in a calm voice "B....it's over, there's no sense in resorting to immaturity, can we please just get through dinner." He said..."Fine, You're right. I will say one thing....I'm sorry for all the times that I hurt you...but this is for the best" He then went on to tell me how happy he was that it was over. He told me what a relief it was, that he has wanted to do this for a long time but didn't want to hurt me. He told me how great it was that he could move closer to work and that now he could concentrate on things that were "really" important. He then asked that I "leave him alone" and don't "start playing games" because he doesn't have time for that. I sat and listened, not saying much of anything. He told me that he would move as soon as he could.

As hurt as I am, I too am relieved. As hurtful as the things that he was saying were, I hope that he meant them.

I can only pray that he meant what he said and will just leave me alone to heal.

I am going to need all of the strength and support I can get over the coming days.

Thank you for listening.

Lolli

November 8, 2005
8:58 pm
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Regret
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((((((Lolli))))))

I remember what Ali said to u here once- something like when the time comes, you will be able to do it. And finally the time has come.

I wish i could say it would be an easy road to trek but we both know that would be a lie. What i know is that you are a strong girl with a good head on your shoulders. Your posts here have helped me on more than one occasion. So, the flips and slips will come but you will weather the storm. I say, let the healing begin.

(((((Lolli)))))))

November 8, 2005
9:01 pm
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mj
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(((((((((lolli)))))))))))

Endings always bring new beginnings.

November 8, 2005
9:04 pm
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dean 5
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Lolli

What you did today took alot of guts . And some day he will find out what he had lost in you.

November 8, 2005
9:06 pm
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CAMER
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((((lolli))))) you go girl....i am so proud of you, and for a new healthy life you will have, and peaceful too.....love, camer

November 8, 2005
9:06 pm
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((((((((( LOLLI )))))))))

When a door closes a window opens. You'll do just fine.

November 8, 2005
9:09 pm
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Lolli,

I honestly didn't think the day would come this soon - but then again, I am not there, so I don't know what daily hell you were going thru but not talking about...I suspect it was more than you discussed.

I am so sorry that it had to happen like this...the worst thing is having to sit thru the rest of the meal while he spews garbage - and not have an "escape". I wish it could have been different for you.

But what's done is done.

I truly do not think he is any man worthy of your love and attention and affection. Any person who tells another person to stop talking on one subject and tell you to talk about the topics THEY choose has got something wrong with them. Had he loved you from the bottom of his heart, he would have listened politely and then gently steered the conversation onto something else. But to say "stop talking about such and such...talk about this and that instead" is TOTALLY out of line and mean.

But you knew all this. You just had to come to terms with it on your own, and in your own time.

And keep in mind - you can't count on him to follow thru with anything he said - chances are - he may stick around to give you time to try to play your "games" as he calls them to try to win him back....he may have only said those things in order to try to make you feel guilty or make you feel bad or make you feel different about your decision. In either case - don't look to him to stay away - look at yourself and stay away. And even if he didn't mean what he said - you have to act "as if" he did...and keep that close to you - and remember that even if he didn't mean it - he was wrong to say it.

Funny how he can be so mean to you, yet have no backbone to break up with you, when he claimed to want it all along.......it's ironic.

Chances are he will leave you alone - for a while...so I think you won't need the strength NOW, but later on, when this pain becomes "dull" and the memory of why you have to do this gets faded...and the idea that perhaps one more time might do the trick slips into your mind....But we will be here to gently and lovingly remind you.....

YOU DESERVE so much better - and you need to be loved and cherished - because you are an awesome, beautiful, intelligent, strong and loving person - and somehow, someway, you WILL find Mr. Right-for-you.

November 8, 2005
9:10 pm
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Lolli, I'm proud of you honey, well done. I'm going to be here for you no matter what!!

I can so relate to what you wrote, about him ignoring that answering message you left on his phone. My hubby is so like that. He acts as if nothing happened to avoid a confrontation.. what kind of pussies were we with??

Babe, I hope he does leave you alone but if he doesn't you need to come up with your own plan to ignore him and not respond. You have gone through the hardest stage, now don't fall back into his cunning ways of defeating you. Can you getaway for a few days or maybe for a week?.

November 8, 2005
9:22 pm
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lollipop3
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Thank you all so much.

I was doing okay for a little bit until I read all of your posts. Thanks....ya'll just made me cry again. LOL. I can't tell you how much all of your support means to me. This has been a long, hard road with many twists, turns and slips and one that will continue for some time I'm sure. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for always being here and never judging me.

Why is it that we live with so much pain for so long and when we finally take that step.....all we remember are the good times?

I kept it together the whole time we were out. I didn't get angry, I didn't show that my feelings were hurt and I didn't cry. BUT....as soon as I walked in my door, the only thing that flashed through my mind was our first date. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was so handsome and charming. He was such a gentleman. I remember him getting out of his car at the place we agreed to meet and greeting me with the most cheerful "hi" I had ever heard. He came over and opened the door for me. I remember how clean his car was. I remember how good he smelled. And I remember how excited I was. I thought this time I had really done good. I thought I had met someone that was so different. I was so full of hope.

Why couldn't he be that person?

November 8, 2005
9:27 pm
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(((Lolli)))

I join my other cyber friends to congratulate you on your strength and courage. Way to go!!!

~Ras~

November 8, 2005
9:27 pm
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Shaney
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Wow. I'm pretty proud of you. I knew eventually you would do it Lolli - it just had to be in your own time.

When I finally broke it off with my exbf it was over something that wasn't even that bad. I had just HAD it at that particular moment, and I knew it was the right thing to do. It felt right in my heart and it felt right in my head. There was no question anymore. I'm hoping you feel something similar, because that's when the breakup sticks.

Try not to rehash every word in your head - that really doesn't do you any good. Remember the reasons why he isn't for you, the times that he was deliberately hurtful to you, and how many times he needed help and didn't get it. The fact that he broke out with the "I'm so happy and relieved" routine is just plain pathetic. He's acting like some transparent 12 year old. You've dragged this albatross around for way too long... time to turn him loose my friend. You've been growing out of this relationship for a while - embrace your growth and move on. This isn't your last love, and it certainly won't be your best. Count on that.

You'll be okay soon enough. You have all of us - what more could you possibly need :o) ??? Lots and lots of love to you lolli - we'll get you through this until Mr. Wonderful knocks your door down.

You need one of my hugs dont you?
(((( (o: lolli :o) ))))

November 8, 2005
9:30 pm
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sdesigns
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((((Lolli)))) I'm sorry you are feeling sad. The best thing he said is that he would move as soon as he could. This will make it much easier for you, believe me! That is one nightmare I would have preferred to skip. Much better when they are out of sight.

November 8, 2005
9:31 pm
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oh lolli....how I wish I could wave my magic wand and make him that person for you!

But the simple truth is, he isn't and can't be.

It's so easy on the first date and then on a few more dates...but as we get comfortable - we start showing our true colors. But the codependent in us has this image of the first night in our head - and we keep it - right up until the end - and it's that image that we think we are with - even when we are being abused, we say "but he was soooo wonderful that first date"...and believe he can be that person.

But reality is cruel - and some people just aren't who they represent themselves to be...hell, if he was miserable SOB you have now, would he have stood a chance in hell in getting a second date from you? if he had told you to shut up about larry king on your first date would you have sat in silence or got up and left? would you have given him another chance?

NO - you wouldn't. And he is no dummy - he knew this. And that's why he put on his best duds, and set out to impress.

What we need to learn (us codependants) is how to see the reality as it unfolds and get out before it kills us....and take off the rose colored glasses and clear the fog and see the relationship and the man before us as he truly is...not as we want it to be.

I wish I had the answers...but someday - the man you meet on your first date and fall for will be the same man you kiss goodnite on your last days on earth....he IS out there....just had to kiss a few toads before you find him....and when you find him, you will know it's him...because all these problem relationships have taught you what you don't want and what you do want and how NOT to settle for anything less...they were all learning and growing...think of how strong and wise you will be when this is all done.!

November 8, 2005
9:39 pm
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Thank you again for your continued responses.

I have just re-read the letter that I wrote a couple of weeks ago for therapy. It is our relationship in black and white. I needed that reminder to know that I was doing the right thing.

Shaney....I have had that experience in the past....when the switch has been turned off and there is no turning back. I wish I could say that was the case right now but it is not. I did what I did because I truely felt like an animal trapped in a cage.

I did it, not so much because I was ready to do it but because my pride took over. I cannot allow one person to destroy me.

I have survived sexual abuse. I have survived being beaten for 3 years in a relationship. I have survived the death of my mother. I have been independent and self sufficent since I was 15 years old. I have quit jobs that made me unhappy without one to fall back on. I have quit drinking and returned to school to ensure a future for myself. I have let go of 30 year friendships that were toxic to my well being.

I cannot allow this one person to destroy me.

I know that I will be okay. I am just feeling a little sorry for myself right now.

November 9, 2005
10:02 am
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Lolli,

what part of RI are you in?

are you near the shore?

does a walk on the beach help?

I know that when I am near the ocean, I am TOTALLY at peace - one of the reasons I was SERIOUSLY considering the job in Westerly, even thought it would be a cut in pay - just to be near the ocean. What a life I could have. Almost kicking myself for not doing it - but know nothing about the area - or schools - which is my biggest worry - I don't know where a good place for my daughter to go to school would be.

Anyway - if you have any input on the schools, I would appreciate it....cuz I may still consider this position - since it's still open.

I need to be near the water, even if I can't swim in it year round.

November 9, 2005
10:12 am
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Hi Lolli, i didn't know you were from RI, you are my next state neighbor, i live in MA...and i know times may be tough, and the old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".......you will do fine, feel your feelings and keep coming back and posting on how you are. I do care!!!!
love, camer

November 9, 2005
10:42 am
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Hi Lolli,

Just checking up on you, to see how your coping. Take care & B strong

November 9, 2005
11:26 am
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(((((lolli)))))), I remember how you struggled with this when you decided to get back togeather with him, and taht in the end you thought you just where not in the place that you where ready to break it off with him that you just didn't feel strong or ready enough for it then. I think you are just stronger in yourself now and more able to listen to your heart and gut, and I admire you for waiting until you knw you where ready to jump foreward and start the newest part of your journey. I'm sorry it didn't work for you guys, but i know you are going to do great on your own. Hugs to you. Love, ef

November 9, 2005
11:33 am
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another neighbor! Hi camer! I am in CT!

November 9, 2005
11:53 am
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coastergirl
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Loli, I am a new to the site but what I am finding out is that I am not alone in the world with my situation. My ex-boyfriend told me I will regret breaking up with him when I was finally strong enough to do so. My true problem is that when I get strong it only seems to be for that moment then I start thinking about all the garbage he says and start to worry that he is right, so I give in to him. How many times have I wanted it to be over, I know I do I tell my good friends, family and counselor that I want out but yet I still call him. My counselor told me that by picking up the phone I keep giving him control. He has been out of town now for almost two weeks so now is the time that I have choosen to find help for myself I have been doing alot of reading on codependency, and abusive relationships, and just trying to get in touch with myself. Stay driven, stay strong, and always remember you are not alone.

November 9, 2005
12:15 pm
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Oh Lolli,

I am at work right now and don't have a ton of time to write at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that my heart sank (or sunk... whatever!)... anyway, it made me soooo sad to read your post. I knew the day would come for you and that it would be difficult, but BOY!!! What a jerk he is! What a coward and What a fool he is to let you go!!!! Why did he have to be so mean and say that he was so happy and relieved that it is over? That was so cold and insensitive, but what did we expect? He has not been Prince Charming, probably since that first wonderful date, right?

You did the right thing. You know it. It is not going to be an easy road, but we are all here for you Lolli!!!! Keep posting and talking about it...

Stay strong and before long, this will all be a distant memory.

Much love,

TC

November 9, 2005
12:30 pm
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Lolli - You are so right when you say
"Why is it that we live with so much pain for so long and when we finally take that step.....all we remember are the good times?" My exbf (of three weeks now) was a big facade. He was an emotional train wreck who made me believe that I was the love of his life, just as I felt about him. I have even tortured myself and read some of his old emails and any girl would've been fooled. For a week or so after the split, I used to sit with his soap in my shower and just smell it and sob. That smell reminds me of the showers we took together, the way he smelled after the shower and during the fun that generally followed the showers. I finally tossed that soap into the trash. I am having the hardest time sleeping in my room and showering in my shower still. Sunday nights are the worst, they were our night together after he dropped the kids back off at their mom's. We used to cook dinner together, put on some music and slow dance in the dark of my room. There are dozens of CDs I just can't even listen to anymore. I still dream about him literally every night.

In time, we will heal. And we will be better people because of all the b.s. we've been through. As hard as this split has been for me, I want to be able to smile because I have been set free from Mr. Wrong. Some days are easier than others. This site has been a great source of advice and support for me and I too have been so glad to have it. Be strong. We are all proud of you.

November 9, 2005
12:40 pm
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lollipop3
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Thank you , thank you, thank you, to each and everyone of you.

Even with the sadness that I am feeling I have found something to be grateful for today.

I came home for lunch and decided to check in. The support that I have received from all of you is overwhelming. I wish that I knew each one of you personally so I could give you each a great big hug (and ya'll know how much I hate that).

I know that this is not over. Despite the cruel things he said, if you read between the lines, you'll see he didn't mean any of it. It was just his sick way of coping with what he was hearing.

I will need to dig reeeaaalllyyy deep in the coming days to keep my strength. I hope that I can do it.

I have already made plans to be out of the house over the weekend and I have made plans with my sister for one night next week. I hope that the more I am out of sight, the more I will be out of his mind and maybe he really will just move on.

November 9, 2005
12:42 pm
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Lolli,

maybe somehow we can "find" eachother in RI this summer - and I will have to give you a huge hug whether you like it or not!

November 9, 2005
12:52 pm
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Hi lolli! Hang in there, my friend. That's always the easiest way for me to get through things - make plans and be gone! Keep bust and get so caught up in your own life, that he just fades away. You'll be fine.

((hug)) :o)

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