I'm right there with you. I think we have to force ourselves to do something positive for ourselves. I think we have to come to some sort of acceptance. The hardest part for me about the whole acceptance thing is that it plays on my damaged self-esteem, for which I allowed him to take part in. That's why I think its important that we get busy and do other things so that they are not in our brains 24-7. I know its difficult because as in my case we spent lots of time together, so there is just a lot of time that we spent with them and now we have to find other ways to fill it up. Anyways, my heart and prayers go out to you. Keep me posted..

Eliz-anne,

You sound like you are in a situation similar to my wife, and I feel for both of you. You used a couple of keywords that make me think it's similar: "want him to take care of me", ..."could always go to when I needed him", "doesn't love me the same way I love him", "so lost without him". Actually, what you write is remarkably similar to my wife. I am seriously considering separating and it tears me apart. She has placed so much emotional pressure on me and she needs to find her self esteem, and I cannot help her do that. I think I've even hindered her. In some ways her love for me seems to be that of a little girl looking for a father's love. She feels that I don't give her the intimate love that she needs. I find it is a Catch-22. If I am to love a woman, it would need to be a mature whole woman. Sounds harsh, but I've been with a very very intelligent person, a terrific friend, an excellent mother, but not a whole woman.

I don't know if this might be similar to yourself. I think the root cause stems from her having been emotionally abandoned in her young childhood. Through a msg on this site I found a clear explanation on a site that talked about Rage, Shame and the Death of Love (google it). They urge the person to come to an understanding of the root cause, which will allow a healing process to begin. They say it takes focussed therapy with a a professional who understands this particular psychology.

-Mr N

Mimi, of COURSE we deserve to be with a person who loves us. I feel the same way. But look at what exactly the solid mature love should be. In that Rage, Shame and the Death of Love article there are examples that don't actually fit my situation (I don't like the term "shame"), there is not necessarily physical rage going on all the time, but the central theme rings so true to me. A significant problem in early childhood leads to failed relationships as an adult, it seems to kill love. The early problem could be psychological abandonment, and of course other more blatant things like sexual abuse. I had to read that article a few times before understanding it.

Oh, Eliz, there are many aspects to it. For a long time I was convinced it was a sexual dysfunction. Sounds too simplistic, but I found her low libido left me very very frustrated. It's a long story, but anyway now I see that the sex is just a symptom of larger deeper problems.

From the beginning I harboured hidden desires, almost daydreams or fantasies, of being out of our relationship. I was never deeply happy. Her emotional tugging seemed so difficult. I always felt like a Mister Niceguy, dealing with her emotional requirements. Don't get me wrong, my own "issues" came into play here, I have my faults. But frankly, I now see that I never truly loved her, and I cannot imagine how I would come to love her fully. She knows this, it is very painful for her already. She now says that since I never loved her I could not project sufficient intimate love and so she suffered from it and caused the dysfunctions. I don't believe that, really not in my heart, I think she has those problems from her childhood that makes her love to be... dysfunctional.

I have only one life to live, and I feel that I want to try to start over again. Maybe with another person, but I am not expecting it. I have NEVER faced such a daunting challenge in my life.

In the middle of an emotional meltdown, I stumbled across this board and this posting and wow - there ARE others like me.

1. Eliz - This is my situation right now, exactly. During the week, when I am busy at work and then exhausted afterward, I seem to do pretty well. But on the weekends, when I normally would have been spending time with him and doing "our" things....I always end up sitting here sobbing and wondering what is wrong with me.

2. Mr. Niceguy - My significant other would never be so up front with me. But I am almost positive that you have described exactly how he feels about me, and while it is devastating in a lot of respects...it also makes sense and those are reasons that I can understand and respect, and maybe even agree with. All he would really say is that he loves me but he can't live with me. I need more explanation than that. Perhaps what you have said is some of that explanation.

You go girl... who needs that roller coaster. Do you really want to be in his shoes??? A person that says they love you (did he, or am I assuming here?), and then renigs, isn't that special. He has the choice even if God waves his wand, and most likely has, because God is all about love. All we can do is love ourselves. In other words, forget him, love yourself.. I hope this week-end has turned out to be not that hard.