Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Weekends are the hardest
November 12, 2005
1:49 pm
Avatar
elizabeth anne
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok 6 days NC. We are going 30 days NC, unless I REALLY NEED him. I realize what is the point of getting your hopes up even after 30 days. So now after 30 days I can tell him I want to move on. Which I so desperatly want to do. And then it starts all over again because we are in contact just to say goodbye again and draw more pain.

The weekends are the hardest as I don/t work and my mind gets consumed with him. Sometimes it is hard to function and forcing myself to just do things I know I need to do. Like clean house, do bills, etc. Once the realization is there that it IS REALLY OVER and that is what he has tried to tell you but you never wanted to accept it, so you tell yourself. Oh I will still be able to talk to him in 30 days. The hope is still there. But at the same time you know the best thing you can do for yourself is LET GO. You don/t want the rollercoaster anymore but at the same time you can/t imagine not being without that person, no matter what they have done.

I just needed to vent as this is one of the hardest realizations to overcome. Then perhaps he pulls my heartstrings again and I come running back and then it starts all over. Why am I so vulnerable to him. Focus on yourself, is the ultimate task here. I have been so involved with him I don/t know who I am anymore, that is the sad part.

November 12, 2005
1:58 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm right there with you. I think we have to force ourselves to do something positive for ourselves. I think we have to come to some sort of acceptance. The hardest part for me about the whole acceptance thing is that it plays on my damaged self-esteem, for which I allowed him to take part in. That's why I think its important that we get busy and do other things so that they are not in our brains 24-7. I know its difficult because as in my case we spent lots of time together, so there is just a lot of time that we spent with them and now we have to find other ways to fill it up. Anyways, my heart and prayers go out to you. Keep me posted..

November 12, 2005
2:09 pm
Avatar
Mr Niceguy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is it better to minimize the contact with him as much as possible (just enough to arrange necessary things), or to have a bit more personal contact? I don't mean contact that would ignite the emotions, that would evidently not be good.

November 12, 2005
2:39 pm
Avatar
elizabeth anne
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The hardest thing is trying to find ways to keep myself busy. I need to force myself. I make a list and try to check off each goal. How is it we lost ourselves over someone else. That they were our whole world and now we have to really be ourselves without them. The fear of the unknown is so scary without this person that we felt we could rely on.

I just don/t know if I can do it by myself. I don/t want to. I want him to take care of me. I don/t want to be alone. I hate It!!!!! I don/t want to start over, He was my rock, someone I could always go to when I needed him. He just doesn/t love me the same way I love him. How do I do this alone??? I am so lost without him. Why couldn/t he love me the same way I loved him. How did I get to this point of being afraid without him. I needed the comfort, it took so long to find someone I felt comfortable with again. I will take baby steps. It is such an overwhelming adjustment

November 12, 2005
2:59 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I understand how you feel. What has helped for me is really beleiving that I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, and so do you. They need to willingly give that, if they can't, then we have to accept it and have some faith in God, the universe, what have you. Its tough. Man, I know. My ex and I have been through 4 yrs of the back and forth stuff, so I think that is why I feel OK with everything. I wish I wouldn't have wasted any more time on him, yet I did and I learned. You will be fine. Make a list of some fun things you would like to do. Having fun always helps me. And if you can't force yourself, and need to obsess, then maybe put a time limit on that. I know that has helped me in the past. I say, OK, I'm going to obsess for 1 hour, or whatever, 15 minutes, then I'm going to move on to something else. I feel like its kind of an addiction, like smoking or something, sometimes, we just can't go "cold turkey", I know I couldn't. But, heck, that is me. Hang in there, you're in good company. I'm a terrific person (lol) and I'm going through the same thing...

November 12, 2005
3:13 pm
Avatar
Mr Niceguy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Eliz-anne,

You sound like you are in a situation similar to my wife, and I feel for both of you. You used a couple of keywords that make me think it's similar: "want him to take care of me", ..."could always go to when I needed him", "doesn't love me the same way I love him", "so lost without him". Actually, what you write is remarkably similar to my wife. I am seriously considering separating and it tears me apart. She has placed so much emotional pressure on me and she needs to find her self esteem, and I cannot help her do that. I think I've even hindered her. In some ways her love for me seems to be that of a little girl looking for a father's love. She feels that I don't give her the intimate love that she needs. I find it is a Catch-22. If I am to love a woman, it would need to be a mature whole woman. Sounds harsh, but I've been with a very very intelligent person, a terrific friend, an excellent mother, but not a whole woman.

I don't know if this might be similar to yourself. I think the root cause stems from her having been emotionally abandoned in her young childhood. Through a msg on this site I found a clear explanation on a site that talked about Rage, Shame and the Death of Love (google it). They urge the person to come to an understanding of the root cause, which will allow a healing process to begin. They say it takes focussed therapy with a a professional who understands this particular psychology.

-Mr N

November 12, 2005
3:17 pm
Avatar
elizabeth anne
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mimi567

I like the idea of only obsessing for a time limit. I am really going to try to limit that. How long has it been for you??? How many times did you go back??? Can you really get over it??? I know so many questions. Just truelly wanting to find myself again and how long that takes

November 12, 2005
3:21 pm
Avatar
Mr Niceguy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mimi, of COURSE we deserve to be with a person who loves us. I feel the same way. But look at what exactly the solid mature love should be. In that Rage, Shame and the Death of Love article there are examples that don't actually fit my situation (I don't like the term "shame"), there is not necessarily physical rage going on all the time, but the central theme rings so true to me. A significant problem in early childhood leads to failed relationships as an adult, it seems to kill love. The early problem could be psychological abandonment, and of course other more blatant things like sexual abuse. I had to read that article a few times before understanding it.

November 12, 2005
3:23 pm
Avatar
elizabeth anne
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mr. NiceGuy

Is it because of her neediness that you want to leave her??? What do you want from her?? Just curious because, from my stand point I know she will be devastaded if you leave her, but at the same time perhaps if she knew what you needed from her you could address those issues. I wish my ex would have.

November 12, 2005
3:54 pm
Avatar
Mr Niceguy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, Eliz, there are many aspects to it. For a long time I was convinced it was a sexual dysfunction. Sounds too simplistic, but I found her low libido left me very very frustrated. It's a long story, but anyway now I see that the sex is just a symptom of larger deeper problems.

From the beginning I harboured hidden desires, almost daydreams or fantasies, of being out of our relationship. I was never deeply happy. Her emotional tugging seemed so difficult. I always felt like a Mister Niceguy, dealing with her emotional requirements. Don't get me wrong, my own "issues" came into play here, I have my faults. But frankly, I now see that I never truly loved her, and I cannot imagine how I would come to love her fully. She knows this, it is very painful for her already. She now says that since I never loved her I could not project sufficient intimate love and so she suffered from it and caused the dysfunctions. I don't believe that, really not in my heart, I think she has those problems from her childhood that makes her love to be... dysfunctional.

I have only one life to live, and I feel that I want to try to start over again. Maybe with another person, but I am not expecting it. I have NEVER faced such a daunting challenge in my life.

November 12, 2005
4:27 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Eliz Anne, back and forth too many times. We just broke up today actually, that's what led me to this board. Lots of therapy in breaking away througout the time. I had just had it with him. You can read my post on unfair expectations and that will probably give you an insight into what I was dealing with. I'm truly OK. I think all this work on myself has made me stand up for myself and have some self respect and some self love. It actually feels good not to think about being with him. He was just too draining and too needy for me, he gave nothing back in return.

Niceguy,

I understand your point, only Eliz Anne has the answer to that. I don't know all the details as to how her bf has treated her, etc. I agree that love needs to be from a mutual, whole perspective, and I think it important to help ourselves and others in that regard. Good luck with your wife. Try not to feel guilty, God knows I struggle with that....

November 12, 2005
5:45 pm
Avatar
sodependent
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In the middle of an emotional meltdown, I stumbled across this board and this posting and wow - there ARE others like me.

1. Eliz - This is my situation right now, exactly. During the week, when I am busy at work and then exhausted afterward, I seem to do pretty well. But on the weekends, when I normally would have been spending time with him and doing "our" things....I always end up sitting here sobbing and wondering what is wrong with me.

2. Mr. Niceguy - My significant other would never be so up front with me. But I am almost positive that you have described exactly how he feels about me, and while it is devastating in a lot of respects...it also makes sense and those are reasons that I can understand and respect, and maybe even agree with. All he would really say is that he loves me but he can't live with me. I need more explanation than that. Perhaps what you have said is some of that explanation.

November 12, 2005
8:52 pm
Avatar
elizabeth anne
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes the challenges of life are many. And when it all comes down to it. Why be in a loveless relationship just because you feel you want to be needed. This person is not happy with himself and is codependent too. I love you, I don/t love you. Many Many issues that describe his lost love for himself and mine.

It is not fair to me and not fair to him. There comes a time when you realize you cannot force someone to love you. As much as you want it, you have to put yourself in those persons shoes and know they want you to move on. So they perhaps can find the love for themselves. So that is what you do.

And if by the grace of God they realize what they have lost and have truelly made strides to fix themselves than maybe just maybe it will work, but in the meantime all you can do is try to fix yourself. Wow that was a breakthru

November 12, 2005
9:22 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You go girl... who needs that roller coaster. Do you really want to be in his shoes??? A person that says they love you (did he, or am I assuming here?), and then renigs, isn't that special. He has the choice even if God waves his wand, and most likely has, because God is all about love. All we can do is love ourselves. In other words, forget him, love yourself.. I hope this week-end has turned out to be not that hard.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
36
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111121
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38715
Posts: 714567
Newest Members:
lovingLaa, zokgassi, Wilthe, Marek, ssdchemical33, jack1palmer
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information