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Weekend of no return?
August 3, 2001
12:31 am
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kafka
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Okay guys. I'm gonna bite the bullet here and air out some things. I'm still one of the new guys on this site so I'm still a bit hesitant to reveal myself to everyone too much, but I'll give it to in the most honest, simplistic way I can.

First of all, I'm not one of those slimey married guys who likes to play the field on the side like I'm some Kennedy with a viagra prescription. I've been married 10 years. My wife and I have a good relationship--we're best friends to be sure--but our sex life sucks, if I can put it so bluntly. She's just not a "romantic" and I suppose I have come to live with an inactive intimate relationship with her. It takes two to tango and I probably haven't done my part to try to coerce her outta the funk. But be that as it may, we barely have sex but once every 6 months, if that.

Anyway, I'm going back to San Francisco this weekend to visit family. One of my good, good friends Sam wants me to look her up. We knew each other from high school and I had a HUGE crush on her all 4 years in school. I just never had the 'nads to ask her out back then. I had some serious shyness issues back then. Anyway, about 8 yrs ago we bumped into each other and became really good friends. I still had some attraction for her at first but soon learned to dig her for her friendship and nothing else. Sure she was drop dead gorgeous and had the sweetest personality--but come on, who doesn't? 😉 Anyway, it's not that I could have done anything about it anyway... I was already 2 yrs into a good marriage.

So a few more years passed and Sam ended up getting married, had a child three years ago and I was ecsatic for her. My wife and I moved to the Rockies from S.F. but I still stayed into with Sam. Now it turns out she's getting a divorce and has been really hurtin the last year or so. Being the charming writer that I am (ha ha), I told her how much she had meant to me over the years and how I pined for her back in high school. I wanted to lift her spirits and acknowledge all she had to offer... I figure she needed it. However, my heart began to get the best of me and we ended up trading a few flirtacious emails--signed with "love" and all (which NEVER happened before), and now I'm beginning to feel as if I'm falling for her all over again.

tell me, do any of you guys ever get a weird feeling inside you that there's this thing with fate that you have to deal with? Back in high school, it's not that I lusted for this gal Sam, so much as I felt I "knew" her from somewhere before... and the thing is I had never met her at the time. I just always felt we had this connection. And when we lost touch for 8 years after high school, we ended up bumping into each other in one of the most obscure places where neither of us grew up. A total new city and all. It's like we have some weird connection or something having to do with fate...

I can't help but admit that I definitely have a space in my heart for her, there's no doubt about that. As much as my mind says "no", my heart says, "we belong". I have never so much as hugged this woman and yet, I can't help but fantasize about being with her. Like it would be more of a "reunion" as opposed to finally fufilling an old high school fantasy. Is this wrong? I'm a screwed up in the head?

Anyway, I'm a bit nervous to see her this weekend. I don't want to do anything I'll regret and I definitely don't want to be a husband who's carrying on an affair. I feel confident that I won't do anything, but if the opportunity arose and she somehow kissed me, I really can't say I'd necessarily pull away. I'm strictly a one woman guy, but the problem is I have love in my heart for two women. I can't deny this fact.

It kinda sucks, to say the least. But at the same time, I can't help but get stoked when I'm around Sam. She's made my heart skip for over 20 years now... so it's not like this is some cheap, passing fancy.

It's weird... the month before I got married I recall thinking that if I ever ran into Sam I'd probably be in deep doo doo. I even tried to locate her at the time to to "close the chapter... or reopen it altogther... She had always been on my mind throughout the years, even in my free wheeling college years. But it was to no avail. I couldn't find her. So I got married. Don't get me wrong... when I married my wife I was in love. Still am... but I can't help thinking our love is based more on a great friendship. Not passion.

Anyway, I told Sam how she made ("made" being the operative word--I didn't want it to sound like the feeling was the present tense) me feel for so many years and I think it somehow woke her up to who I was. There was a noticeable difference in how she greeted me. Now she sees me in a different light. She shows a little more "ooommph" in our chats on the phone or via email. Nothing gross or offensive mind you... just sweet and innocent. That's what scares me. It's like we're friends who could someday become so much more... ahhhh!

It has really screwed with my head. Any input? I'm sure I'll be called a jerk by some of you, but I have tried to do the right thing... always have. it was the way i was brought up. But sometimes the heart is just too much for the mind to handle...

M Kafka

August 3, 2001
4:05 pm
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Cici
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OK, all moral issues aside, you have to know that she's EXTREMELY emotionally vulnerable right now. I think the common term for this is REBOUND. Hey, I've experienced this to no end, and I distinctly remeber one relationship after I had the worst break-up I'd ever experienced, this guy was a good friend who had had a crush on me, but the reality of the relationship was just not something I could handle right after my break up.

Look, personal morality is, as always, a personal issue. Fate, on the other hand, is in your hands. Feeling as if some grand cosmic scheme has brought you two together is what we in psychology call a "Defense Mechanism". These are usually put into play when you are doing/feeling something that is cognitively dissonant: "As much as my mind says 'no', my heart says, 'we belong'."

Regardless of whether you "belong" or not, developing intimacies, sexual OR emotional, is not a good idea right now. Your friend Sam needs time to heal from her divorce, and as a friend you should allow her that much respect. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming the kind of man I have always referred to as an "emotional predator."

OK, my personal feeling is this. I have faced temptation many a time. I was even unfaithful to my then-boyfriend (who is now my husband). I know about the wars between heart and head. But, being in psychology has made me overly-analytical to a fault. I sat down and thought through my life, the possibilities, the choices.

A brief review of literature throughout the ages brings us to one conclusion: love hurts. Love is sweeping, huge, wonderful, ADDICTIVE, but as with all drugs it can be harmful. No matter how passionate the love is, it must settle into a comfortable friendship because intense love is exhausting. You can't be singing in the rain at 65. Doesn't happen. Rheumatism.

Sooo....I must say the words "mid-life crisis" did enter my head while reading your post.

August 3, 2001
7:04 pm
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Molly
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Before you do something stupid, just how much alimony would you have to pay? Regardless of karmic debt. Based on your other threads of talking to yourself, so like I get life is boring, and heck what an RX. You are the one that controlls it all, can you handle the consequences?

August 6, 2001
12:20 am
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gingerleigh
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Kafka, no wonder you feel your thoughts turning to Sam. So many women might *poo poo* the importance of sex in a relationship, but it is a huge piece, and if you are telling me that you only get to have sex twice a year, well, I can definitely understand why your thoughts would turn away from your wife. It's a possibility that Sam is just the object of your redirected desire.

You also said that your wife is your best friend. That is SO HUGE, my friend. Sexual spark can be kindled between people of all sorts of incompatible natures, but a deep, loving and understanding friendship cannot.

Rather than focusing on Sam, I would try to focus on fixing what is wrong in your marriage that is causing the sexual crisis. You mention that your wife just isn't "romantic", but as I'm sure you've already considered, it takes two to tango. Why not ask her to "dance"? See if together the two of you can figure it out?

August 6, 2001
1:21 am
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Sammy
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Go to marriage therapy. If she is the best friend you say she is, then she will do anything to save your relationship. Just don't drug her and have sex with her. That's sick and called rape. I think the one thing missing in your relationship is communication and if you do anything with Sam, then you'll lose trust. Communication is a lot easier to recreate than trust.

August 6, 2001
11:04 am
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janes
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Hey...find your wife a dr. that specializes in hormones.

I dislike my self, my body and etc.

No sex for long time.

Perimenopausel and all that..

Progesterone cream....whew....loved sex again...

and talk openly with your wife about the sex thing...she can't change unless she knows.....what does she want YOU to do....

August 9, 2001
10:55 am
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kafka
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Okay, I made it out alive. Had a great time with Sam... after the first few minutes of nervouseness, I realized that she is who she is to me -- a good friend. I don't need to be an emotional predator or a rebound schlep. Sure I love her, but that's for another day... maybe another life. I just want to be true to my wife and if things do -- or don't -- work out, then it's because of what we did or didn't do to preserve the foundation, not because I was an idiot who was too weak to stand up to the first obstacle that appears in the road.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I disagree, however, with the mid-life crisis assumption someone noted, unless being 35 can consititute being my "mid life" (I suppose one never knows for sure, anyway). I usually don't have too many issues outside of knowing I have love for three women in my life: my wife, my mom, and Sam. Love is probably a personal thing to each of us and we all define it maybe a little differently(?). I tend to look at it as how someone has made me feel over the course of my life. They happen to be someone you simply can't live without, as a result of how they have made you feel on a consistent basis.

In some ways, I tend to think we look at life like we look at a painting... we have this distinct need to critique, explain, define EVERYTHING about it.... what it is we see, instead of merely looking at it for what it is and how it makes us feel. It kinda takes the fun out of the whole experience when you critique it to death. Suddenly it's no longer "an experience" but rather, "a job". Take a look at a child, and then another gander at an adult... and tell me who's having the fun? I mean, when you think about it, what if this is it, guys? What if there is no "continuing gig" and everything we ever did--or didn't do--wasn't held accountable? Would you have done anything differently?

It's not to say having "hope" or "faith" in the afterlife isn't bad, but if all you're doing is "doin' good" just to kiss up to some God, then aren't you just fooling yourself? I would think a spirit as powerful as "God" would probably have it all figured out that what you did over the course of your life for the goodness of Him, was merely just "suckin' up", and in the end, what's that good for? Don't we have enough of that as it is? How many times do we make fun of the guy who sucks up to the boss in order to get the promotion? Or the teacher's pet growing up in the third grade?

Don't get me wrong... if you do good deeds simply because you like to do them and you don't expect anything in return, then I think that's an admirable trait. You're doing it for no other reason than because YOU believe it's the right thing to do... to help out your fellow man, with no strings attached. To me, that is what I'd think The Big Guy would want to see... I try to live it everyday in my own way. I'm far from being anyone great in that respect, but I suppose I do try to do my part. I'm usually the guy who pulls over on the side of the road when someone's car is broken down and they're kinda sitting there waiting for someone to help... Or the guy who shovels the neighbor's snow in their driveway so they don't have to deal with it. Small feats to be sure, but i always appreciate the little things in life. I tend to think they give more meaning to the experience in it's most simplistic sense. You never know when you might meet a new friend...

Anyway, I'm sorry about the digression.... I kinda meandered off the subject (I apologize!), but I do appreciate the feedback from y'all. I suppose I'll lay low and add my thoughts to others' problems for now, providing I'm so lucky as to provide some insight.

M Kafka

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