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Wedding Dilemmas
January 26, 2001
2:46 pm
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Dakoda
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Here's the situation:

My parents are divorsed and my father remarried my mother basically remarried (working on 16 years). I'm somewhat close to my father but don't see him very much especially these last few years since he's moved away. My, what I refer to as, other father or step father; I'm very close to. He has always been there for me. He is more like a father to me then my real father.

I have the decision of who will walk me down the aisle (a very difficult one) so I decided both. I can't not ask my real father (since he is my father and I do want him too) and I could never imagine my step father not walking me down the aisle. I have already told my step father that I want him and my father to walk me down the aisle but I don't know how to tell my real dad.

I know that he will be hurt probably feeling that my step father is taking me over but in a way thats his own fault. I want to tell him in a way that will hopefully be easy for him to handle. I don't want to hurt him but this is the way I want it.

Please advise of way to go about doing this.

Thank you very much.

January 26, 2001
4:08 pm
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janes
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Just be honest and to the point.

You want them both. It's YOUR wedding!
Not theirs. If your "REAL" dad can't accept this...don't not invite him. Give him a seat of honor and relax. The choice is his to be gracious or to be silly.

He doesn't need a reason for why you want this....just the invite.

OR your real dad could walk you partway and your "step" dad could meet you part way...to symboize the part they had in your life....

just a thought.

At the "who gives this woman" have the parents say..."We do"

January 26, 2001
7:37 pm
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Molly
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I like that part of all the parents saying we do, as far as the who gives away, gee doesn't that sound primitive? He he:), but heck, this is YOUR DAY, do what you want. Try to remember, that divorce was not your choice, you were a victim of circumstances, and were forced to make the best of things, as a child. Now that you are a grown up, they can be grown up and accept what roles that you offer them, and aren't they lucky that you have allowed them in your life. Be happy, and do not fret, may you be blessed with all of the adults helping you to pay for the party. the more the marrier eh?

January 26, 2001
11:46 pm
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Alena
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Dakoda, when I have something to tell my mom (who tends to be controlling and slightly manipulative) and I know how she is probably going to react, I tell her in a very matter-of-fact way.
Like, oh, by the way, isn't this going to be great. It's going to make me so happy to have the two dads I love so much walking me down the aisle on my special day. I couldn't ask for more. I would try presenting it like, of course this is the way I would do it. And, of course you agree. With my mom, alot of times she looks initially stunned but when she sees how I'm all happy about it and not cowering and leary of her response, she seems to go with the flow. Wierd eh?

Just a thought....

And by the way, you have every right to do it this way. If you've lived with this stepdad for the past 16 years, and hardly see your dad, your stepdad deserves the honor too.

It's a good thing, it's very sweet of you to be so considerate of both their feeling.

Good luck!

January 30, 2001
1:16 pm
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Dakoda
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I thank you all for your advise. It's really been helpful. It's nice to hear other peoples ideas and thoughts about a difficult situation. It's also nice to know that there are so many people out there willing to help. Thank you all!! 🙂

January 30, 2001
1:26 pm
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Dakoda
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Here's one to think about....

How do you choose your maid of honor?? I have serveral friends that I have know since Elementary School and still consider them good friends even though I don't see all of them often. I've really only kept in real good touch with one of them (we actually go out and do things together). Although she has such a busy schedule that it's even hard to keep in touch with her at times. I do have this new friend that I'm considering but I don't know her overly well. I feel that most of my friends are too busy to take on this role and I wouldn't want to put them out. I feel I would be asking to much of their busy lives. How do you decide who your made of honor should be when it's not so cut and dry???

Please help!! Thanks!!

January 30, 2001
3:14 pm
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Cici
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I chose based on blood-relations (also, I was teh maid of honor in my sister's wedding, so she is the matron of honor in mine).

But why not just chose our closest friend? This is someone who will be in all the pictures and you'll remember them forever.

Also, it's not really that much of a bruden (if any) to be maid of honor. I don't remember doing anything at all except being there for my sister, which was no problem.

Plus, my fiance didn't choose a best man, he just has three of his friends as attendants. Remember, this is your wedding and you don't have to do anything certain way. For example, since my fiance and I are already living together I thought it would be greedy for us to ask for gifts when others have so little, so instead of registering for gifts we asked that our guests donate money to certain charities in our name. Definitely NOT traditional, but much more satisfying.

Also, since we have both male and female friends, we decided to do a co-ed shower/party instead of the traditional bridal shower (I went to both kinds, one sister had a co-ed party, the other had a traditional shower and the shower was SOOOOOOO BORING with those dumb toilet paper games)

January 30, 2001
5:09 pm
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AF1
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Cici, I love your idea of donating money as gifts. What a class act!

I went to so many traditional showers and weddings in the last 2 years, ..yeach.

I'm going to pass your idea along, I think it's great for couples who have already set up a home.

Dakoda, I chose my sister, that eliminated any friends feelings getting stepped on. But if I didn't have a sister, I would choose that one you said you do stuff with. And I don't think that there is all that much stuff to do, if they really are your friend. Ya think?

Did you tell both Dads yet?

February 1, 2001
7:45 am
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looking for help
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i really hope that thing work out for you .
i have the same problem i love my father and i also love my stepfather (who has been there for me more} but i know the two men can't be in the same room together. and i really would love to have them both. in my wedding party.
any help would be nice

February 2, 2001
3:49 pm
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Dakoda
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I haven't talked with my fathers yet. Probably this summer I will write or call my father. Not sure if I should do it over the phone or in a letter... Any suggestions??

Again thank you all for your advise it really helps. The Maid of honer will be a difficult decision but it's nice hearing from people that have been there and to hear you say it's not that big of a deal (the amount of time and work). I'm sure all will work out in the end. It's nice to talk about it and have help.

February 2, 2001
3:53 pm
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Dakoda
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Looking for help, I would take Janes advise and have one walk you half way and the other walk you half way. It's your dad and hopefully they'll respect you enought to be civil on your wedding day. Fortunately it's not a matter of my family fighting they just don't talk to each other. It really doesn't bother me though. It's better then having them fight.

I hope things work out for you and you find a way to make YOU happy! That's the hard part for me. Making me happy without upsetting others. I hate it when others are made at me or hurt by what I do.

Good luck and keep me posted I would like to know how it turns out.

February 5, 2001
7:33 am
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looking for help
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Just to let you know i have talked to my real father .
and to my surprize he said he will more then likely not come to my wedding . for personal reson . Was hurt but life will go on .........so i have desided to ask my mother who has done everything for me to walk me down.not thinking of either father feeling now. just my happiness.

Thank-you Dakoda for allowing me to join in

thank's again

February 12, 2001
3:12 pm
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Dakoda
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I'm sorry to hear that your father is not coming to your wedding but happy that your mother means so much that you can ask her. I also that of asking my mother but wanted my step father to walk me down. Maybe if my real father also decides not to come I will ask my mother and step father. When is your wedding?? I hope all goes well for you and I wish you a wonderfully happy day. Thank you for joining.

February 13, 2001
3:12 pm
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Cici
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In the Jewish tradition, the mother and father both walk the bride down the aisle, so this is not uncommon...

My older sister had a great wedding, even though the grooms family refused to come(because they are very racist and my sisters and I are half asian). They even called in a threat, saying that an uncle was going to show up with a gun! Luckily nothing happened...

February 16, 2001
3:00 pm
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looking for help
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Dakoda; in answer to your question i will be getting married in june . funny thing is my father has now decided to come to my wedding. how every i have asked my mother to do the honour of walking me down the alise and that is want is going to happen . And please tell me when is your big day? thank's again for allowing me in your post

February 26, 2001
2:10 pm
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Dakoda
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Dear Looking for help... sorry it's been so long. Our big day is August of 2002. I'm happy to hear that your father is coming to your wedding and that you are still having your mother walk you down the aisle. I hope your day goes beautifully. Please take care. As for me I haven't yet mentioned my plans to my father. I think I might write him a letter but it's getting up the nerve. We are having a slight family crisis mostly on my end. He lives in Florida and I'm in NH. His mother lives here also in NH and has recently been declared legally blind. I have the responsibility of taking care of her since I'm the only one around to do so. He's not the type to help out anyway he is very selfish so I really haven't had time to think of how to handle this thing with his mother and my wedding, I guess I'm just trying to get through with his mothers situation first then work on the letter for him or maybe if I have the courage a phone call.

Take care and thank you so much for all your advise.

March 1, 2001
2:51 pm
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isabel
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My parents were divorced when I got married also, so I had both of them walk me down the aisle. So you could have your mom and step-dad do it. Symbolizing that they are the ones that are caring for you now. Your dad would understand. Or you could just have your mom do it.

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