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weary
October 27, 2006
8:23 pm
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pleasant
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This is my first time interacting on this website although I have checked out some of the stories in the past but didn't have enough nerve to actually create myself, if that makes any sense. I'm very weary because I've been in a co-dependent marriage for 5 years and the last 6 months, we've been separated and even though I'm the one that moved out, I'm having difficulty moving on. This man is verbally abusive, demeaning, selfish and most of all lazy. I'm convinced that he only married me because he wanted someone to help pay the bills, take care of his kids and clean the house. If we weren't arguing (or in otherwords, me defending myself for a multitude of marital infractions that I never made) then he would sit on his computer all night long and rarely went to bed at the same time I did. He wanted to stay home all the time and wanted me to do the same because I was his wife. I lost a lot of friends and now I have no idea what to do with my free time. Even though he has very few good qualities, I've still been hanging on to the relationship. Since I moved out, all he wanted to talk about was me stopping "all of this foolishness" and move back home. Of course, none of the problems have been resolved at home, he just wanted me to move back, PERIOD. We were going to start serious marital counseling and we had discussed me moving back in at a later date and the very day that we had this discussion, he spent the night at an all-night bonfire while I went to a concert with my sister. I had never, in all the time that we've been together, ever stayed out all night at somebody else's house. I wanted to believe it was innocent, but the timing couldn't have been more hurtful. Then, or course, a few weeks later, I found that he was spending evenings at his "friend's" house on a regular basis. He would go there after 11:00 because she has kids and I didn't even realize that anything was up. When I did find out and caught him there I was devasted. He finally admitted that he "thought" that he had feelings for her and that I should wait it out to see if it was only infatuation. Gee, do you think I would? Yep, sure did! Can you believe it? I was there to comfort him when she didn't even call him on his birthday. I was there when she constantly denied any intimacy with him, I'm still here waiting and wondering if the ax will come down some day if she ever decides that she does want a relationship with him. We've discussed this many times and he says that he thinks that it's over with. He said he "thinks". Basically, because she has turned down all of his advances. So I know, that he's just waiting for her to change her mind, but doesn't want me to file for divorce. I'm not the most important person in his life and I never was and I have to start accepting that, but instead, I wait for his phone calls and dread weekends for fear that he'll go over to her house again. If anyone out there can relate to anything I've just said, please let me know. I really, really need feedback. It may help lessen my pain to know that I'm not totally alone. Thanks for listening.

October 27, 2006
8:34 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi Pleasant,

Welcome to AAC. I am not the official greeter, but wanted to welcome you anyway.

I recommend you to take a look at the No Contact thread. Here you will find people in various stages of no contact with the person they were dependent on. I suggest it only so you can see that it may be a way for you to move on.

Now, do you want to move on from this and begin healing? If you move back will you keep looking over your shoulder to see if this woman or any other are coming? Do you think you deserve a man that loves you completely and wants you for more than paying half the bills? Only you can answer those questions.

Again, welcome. We are a warm and fuzzy bunch. You'll get to know us as you post and read through ours.

Take care,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
8:43 pm
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Jenni
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Welcome, pleasant. I'm sorry for what you are going thru. I know the pain you must be feeling.

I think you need some time without contact with him. He obviously has some issues that belong to only him. And YOU need time to allow yourself to think and become familiar alone in your own skin without him. It's kind of like a withdrawl from a drug. But once some time passes, it eventually becomes easier, and possibly to the point where you might just like the new arrangement.

You deserve so much better than this, than to just "settle" for what he has to offer for the moment. He doesn't sound too caring or nurturing. And quite insensitive, as well.

Once you gain self respect back with yourself FIRST, you'll find yourself NOT settling for anything less than what's right for yourself. And deep down, I think you already believe that this just isn't right.

Best wishes, and again, welcome.

(((pleasant)))

October 27, 2006
8:43 pm
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taj64
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As long as all three of you play the game, it will go on and on. Why are you waiting for her to make the decision? You have a choice. Im so sorry you are going through this. You're doing all the work in the relationship and getting nothing out of it. Especially a faithful husband and trust is out the window. Why wait until she decides? It is obvious he is hung up on her regardless if she makes the choice or not. Please don't be second and then be second choice. It looks like you have a lot more problems other than this other woman. Even if she disappears, you still have quite a mess. You are not getting any of your needs met. It is all about him and it appears that you have catered to him and now you have no friends. I would totally take the focus off all of this and go to counseling for yourself. Forget marriage counseling. It won't work anyway until he is out of that other relationship. He has to want to be committed for this to work to be in counseling. Learn for yourself to be strong and my advice is to walk away. You will gaine your self esteem, find yourself worthy again and most of all, allow yourself to open up to other possibilities in life. Getting rid of the woman is the least of your problems. Ask yourself why you want a man who treats you like dirt. Because you are not, and you are worthy of a better relationship that with this man.

October 27, 2006
8:56 pm
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pleasant
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Wow.... I wasn't expecting anyone to really respond or to truly understand my situation so completely. I really do appreciate your comments, suggestions and concerns. I've received more care from you all, then I've received in the past 5 years of my marriage. I always wanted it to get better and wanted him to appreciate me as a person not just as a nuturer for himself. I truly thought that if I continued to be there for him when nobody else was, that he'd appreciate me, but that never happened. It's gut-wrenching to even think about it because I feel like I failed miserably again in my relationship. I'm the type of person who can't stand failure, especially in myself, and this 5 year torturous marriage shows how much crap I'll put up with to avoid the label of "failure". Thanks again for your comments, I truly appreciate it.

October 27, 2006
8:59 pm
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cyndra820
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Pleasant,

Did you fail your or did he fail you? I think it's a case of both. When you noticed he wasn't/wouldn't meet your needs you stayed giving more hoping he would notice and turn to you. It didn't. Now you need to heal and take care of him. How he handles things from this point on is his business.

There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Mandy Beattie (I think). It is good. It will help you through this journey of self-discovery. It won't always be easy, but each day brings clarity.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
9:17 pm
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taj64
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Of course you want better. That is part of life to seek better. You have a lot to offer so it is perfectly natural to give love and receive it. I guess there is a reason why nobody was ever there for him, because he cannot seem to return. Don't blame your yourself. Don't shame yourself this way. It does no good. This is not about failing. You did not fail. You tried. He did not try. There are many people out there, here, that have relationships that simply could not work. Your is not working, no matter how much you try. It is not that you don't love enough, that you were not good enough, it just is not working. Be brave, strong, find yourself. Happiness is found within yourself and it is your responsiblity, not your husband's. He cannot do this for you. There are a lot of books out there that are good. And read the codependency book first. It will open your eyes. You will make it. Life is about trials and tribulations. You are not failing believe me.

October 27, 2006
9:30 pm
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pleasant
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Again, I really appreciate the feedback because there are so many other activities you all could be engaging in on a Friday night, than giving me support. I'm humbled to say the least. I know that this will be a long journey with good and bad days. I'm just waiting for the ratio to be more good then bad. It will happen, it's just difficult to get there without losing your ideals in the meantime. I feel like such a loser when I call him, answer his calls and most of all, worry about why he's not calling me. It's ridiculous and I know it. I have 2 daughters that are in college and want me to come and visit them all the time to hang out, and I choose time and time again to just stay home. I do venture out occasionally, but I feel the absolute need to get back home. I have a daughter in high school that appreciates my attention and believe it or not, still wants to hang out with mom, and all I can do is stress out about what HE'S doing or not doing. I feel horrible about that on top of it all. I'm intelligent enough to be aware, but not strong enough to stop cold turkey. I do loath that about myself.

October 27, 2006
10:09 pm
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cyndra820
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Pleasant,

Take it one day at a time. I know it's an old mantra, but a true one. Get through today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

Hang out with your daughters. If you usually wear a watch, leave it at home. If you carry a cell phone, put it on silent and get caught up in the moment. Live in the moment. It's harder than it sounds, but once you do you won't regret it. You have three wonderful daughters who love you and want to hang out with you. Do it!!!

Cyndra

October 27, 2006
10:40 pm
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cyndra820
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Pleasant and Kiri,

I bumped up the No Contact thread so you can take a look at it.

Cyndra

October 27, 2006
11:46 pm
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pleasant
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I do agree that I should spend more time with my daughters and I don't have a cell phone or a watch for just those reasons. I have checked out the no contact thread and it's be enlightening to say the least. I've gotten 3 calls from my estranged husband asking me to stop over, but I didn't go. It's difficult not to go because I really have nothing to do tonight, but I know that it's not going to be what I really want in the long run. We had a conversation about committment and he told me that he would only committ to our marriage if I moved back home. That means, he's free to date until that time. Of course, that's absurd and the only way I would ever move back is after we both made a serious committment to the marriage and were in therapy for awhile first. He wants to put the cart before the horse and is giving no guarantees that he wouldn't stray during the interim. He basically wants to be married but living the single life. I guess, that would be considered an "open marriage", but I'm sure only if it were him being the "open" part and me being the "marriage" part. He takes no responsbility for his actions whatsoever because hey, I'm the one that moved out and broke up the marriage. Well, ok, so why won't he sign the divorce papers? Because he wants he cake and eat it to.

I can rationalize this and make sense of it all, but the pain is killing me inside. When he talks about not wanting to commit to our marriage, it cuts through me like a knife. He just wants to have "fun" with me and that's about it. Pretty disheartening to say the least.

October 28, 2006
7:49 am
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taj64
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Hi. You're going to get through this. Living in limbo this way is very painful. The only way out of the pain is to either move forward out of the marriage or both of you to commit to the marriage and do the hard work it takes. Judging by your husband's actions, he is not committing to you, and and as long as you continue to let him have his cake and eat it too, this could go on for a very long time, until then you have completely lost yourself. The emotional abuse alone is reason for you to leave this man. He wants everything on his terms, and does not consider your feelings at all? Is this what you want for the rest of your life, another 20 or so years? After awhile, after you start focusing on yourself, and getting better for yourself, have higher self esteem, you're not going to want this man. This pain you are suffering is because of the limbo you are in. If you do end up getting divorced, then you will heal from that. It hurts like the devil for quite awhile but it does pass even if it never seems like it will go away, it does. I am doubtful this man will change and even if he does, most of him won't change. What you see is what you get. Getting out of denial that he won't change is a step. Finding new friends will also help if you step out of your shell. even a friend or two will make a huge difference. Also finding a hobby, go the gym, pamper yourself a little, or just getting out in general, will get you out of the house and less focused on your husband. It will build your self esteem. Go out and have your own fun!

October 28, 2006
10:40 am
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Simondo3573
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Stay away from him see my coming to terms with end of marriage. I forgave my wifes first infidelity but she was always looking out of the relationship and not in. I know it is truly painfull I'm here now going through this too. My wife has gone again I have finally had to admit enough is enough. If I had had the strength and foresight to of done No contact and moved on 6 years ago who knows what better things I would have in my life now. You cant change him if he is having infatuation who's it going to be next cut your losses and run we are all here to see you through. Best wishes for a happier future

October 30, 2006
9:54 pm
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pleasant
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I'm just now getting back on this site after a long and thought-provoking weekend. I do understand the concept of "what you see is what you get" and even though I've hoped that things can be different, I know that they won't be. I'm weary and lost, but I know that I can get through this as long as I stay focused on the ultimate goas, which is happiness. I've strived for it for so long and I just hope I know happiness when it finally happens for me. In the meantime, I'll be reading up on the co-dependency articles and checking out the No contact threads. Thanks again for all of your suggestions and support.

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