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We spent a beautiful Sun. night together...Now what?
March 6, 2006
8:48 pm
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Bazil
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She called me Sat. morning and said she wanted to come over...i unlocked the door and went back to bed. She drove an hour to see me...and climbed in bed with me. We haven't been together in a month. " let me look at you" she said. as i pulled the covers over our heads. God your so pretty babe , i told her. All she wanted to do was stare at me. she was glowing and smiling and so was i. It was beautiful. We cuddled and we did it. It was like the first time together. make up sex i guess. So we slept til late in the afternoon and got up and went out for breakfast. spent the day together. We agreed not to talk about "things". It was pure heaven seeing her and being with her. She loves being up in the city here away from the motel (Inn).She told me she hates it there...she's not motivated to work there anymore ( she owns the business...the place is going under)
So we went and had a couple drinks at a nice scotish pub....and then went and bought some cheeses and pate and more wine and headed back to my place once again. She stayed Sunday night and left monday morning...well rested and seemingly emotionally and physically happy.
There's no doubt about it. She missed me and she still loves me, she told me she's still mad at me for talking to her friends and telling them that she's a drug addict but she's getting past that. She still feels hurt about the past two months...which is still a blur to me too. I think i love her more then i ever have but i'm also aware that together we seem to end up having a very complicated life together.
I can see her coming up her ( about an hours drive) to see me now, as oppose to me going there...she probably doesn't want everyone knowing that we're back together. When i'm down at her place( thats where i used to live ...at the motel) ( Inn) Thing get complicated...with her friends and everything else going on there. I dunno...Maybe we just can't live together. But the place is always hectic cause uts her business and her home.
So now what, we made up....theres still lots of healing to do and who knows what'll happen....i guess we'll give each other space. It feels like it could be a new beginning....or it could be the beginning of the end. Maybe its just a continuation of the present...who knows.
I called her after work today. She was moving the coals in the woodstove around...She told me how once april 15 comes she won't have a life until the end of the summer. That made me feel sad...she stuck there....she wants to sell the place but can't just yet...til its up and running ...making a profit....( it'll never happen). I'm happy to see her happy....I'm sad that things are so slow to change......Bazil

March 6, 2006
8:58 pm
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Bazil
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We're not technically back together. But our love bond is strong. She's a very disorganized girl...never planning ahead for her business or her personal life if she can get away with it. I find that so hard to deal with. Don't get me wrong...ther's a thousand things wrong with me too. is this normal? I have nothing to compare it to. Is life suppose to be planned and in order and working on schedule?
She's somehow found herself again...she was lost for 2 months. She's smiling and happy and I love her to death. Should i be happy with that? I'm in love with a
beautiful woman who loves and adores me ...who on occasion gets so lost in her problems ( and so do I...and i contribute to them). I want stability....I have the exact opposite.Are we crweating it? Do we love all this drama? seems like it.Can anyone help me here?

March 6, 2006
10:17 pm
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inalotofpain66
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Hey, sounds like a perfect loving reconnection. The question I have to ask myself now, is "can she sustain it?" In my case there were so MANY situations where we would have AMAZING sex ALL THE TIME, but the next day(s) would bring the rapid fire disconnection.......like we were just firing on all the wrong cylanders.....great in bed......not great in day to day life (sadly). It then got to be way too much because she has a knack of always triangulating other people into the mix.......her friends, her ex.....even my former friends.....colleagues (we worked in the same place, that's how we met originally)...anyone was up for grabs as soon as things started to go wrong.....she'd pull them right into the middle in between us.

Anyway......the most recent lovemaking was stellar.....and now little more than a week later she is saying she'll file harassment charges if I don't stop calling her. For me, sex is the drug that has been clouding my judgment with this woman (she is VORACIOUS in bed, and JUST as strong willed when she is telling me to get the hell out of her life - sometimes within days of being in bed making oh so sweet love)......

Does ANY of this ring true for you? Maybe not........

March 6, 2006
11:44 pm
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Bazil
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God,
i thot you were retelling an old storey i had told. She brings all her friends into things....then when i talk to them, i'm interfering. Its all a lot of drama. I feel like she has no clue....and she feels i have no clue. Is this the price for being in love?.Its a cycle that i think maybe we both create because we like the excitement...( god i hope not).
I dunno....I think...and i use that term lightly......that all i want is simplicity and to be happy...but all i get is drama. I must be to blame.... hangin there buddy....I'm going to bed. All I know is I love her with all my heart.....Bazil

March 7, 2006
7:42 am
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inalotofpain66
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Yeah, except mine was a massive trauma survivor who confused me with ALL of her former perpetrators, and continues to do so.....and in my case things have gotten so out of control with me mis-reading the cues / messages she's given me, and allowing myself to act in a crazy manner in return.....calling her a ton and emailing her a ton this weekend....that she is now threatening to file harassment charges if I don't stop. I need to protect myself TODAY from ANY further contact with this woman, because she IS toxic and IS going to bring me down if I continue with her......

March 7, 2006
9:18 am
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Bazil
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Been there buddy. You've got to try and stop yourself from contacting her. She needs a break from the drama and so do you. Where are you gonns be if she calls the cops and files charges? Just cool it for a while. Put you mind on something else.
And cool it with all the blame. I find when I'm pointing the finger that its usually 1/2 my fault for stuff also. Remember, you love her right? Let her heal. She's upset and right now no amount of calling her is gonna help. You both need time away.

March 8, 2006
1:04 pm
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kathygy
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Bazil,

You say you don't want all the drama but if that were true you would not be in this relationship. No, love does not have to be this way.

If you want stability, you are not going to get it from this woman. It sounds like her capacity for stability is not there.

Also, she does not sound available for a committed relationship.

Sure, sex can be great when you've been away from each other for a while. But you can't build a relationship based on sex.

Your experience with her visit sounds like romantic chemistry not real love that is built on honesty and trust. Romantic chemistry can be very misleading because you tend to overlook the faults of the person and the relationship. You loose your objectivity.

Is she a drug addict?

I think what you have is a beautiful night together, period.

What do you want from this woman?

March 8, 2006
1:42 pm
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Bazil
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Good question, And thanks for going out of your way to help me out.
I'm lost right now....not as bad as i was a month ago...but still...i'm lost. I want things to be less complicated. But is that a realistic request. A friend of mine named peter said, Bazil, i envy you, you love a beautiful woman, your life is full of emotion , you're going to school , you like your job , you work out. You're experiencing life to the fullest. Just try and learn from your mistakes. Things will work out.It made me feel good to hear his perspective. and the fact is my life has always been full of emotion...I'm dramatic, high energy, opinionated...and stupid sometimes.I don't even know if i want things simpler than what they are...it seems drama is everywhere i go. Like people who complain all the time....if things were perfect...they'd still be complaining....they need the drama.
As much as i point the finger at my ex for her obvious drug and alcohol issues....I'm realizing more and more that i am a big manipulator in this whole process trying to get my needs met by someone who isn't capable of meeting them right now. And i'm disappointed with my behaviour
but i'm glad i am finding out about it in order to change it.
right now...if nothing else...my ex needs time to heal...time to destress from the stress of having me around( i was stressing her out). As much as i feel hurt and let down and disappointed with her.....she's the more injured one here....who is still crying to me on the phone....who still loves me but who today for some reason can't tell me she does.She needs time away from me.....but my fear is she''ll meet someone else, or forget about me or use her anger to brainwash herself to believe i was no good for her. And that scares me. It makes me wanna call her and i have all these insecure thoughts.But i'm feeling better now compared rto how i was 3 weeks ago.
The fact is her life ( aside from drugs n alcohol) is upside down. Finacially, business wise, personally. And she's slowly trying to put it all together again( without a plan) all while she's down n out. She has more problems than she can handle....and on top of that I was talking to her today and she's taking her friend's kid into town to bugerking for lunch. She still has to be doing more for her friends than she is doing for herself.....I don't think she'll change. At least it doesn't seem like it.
So it appears that the decision has made itself. I really don't see how i can ever be with her in a functioal way.
In a year or so i wanna build my own house. We were gonna do it. I'm getting out of debt. and am getting a plan together to build another and sell it soon after that. She's no where near up to any of this. Come to think of it i'm pretty sure she thinks i am too good for her....it makes me wonder if she feels beneath me all the time...i really don't know....As far as i thought ....she loved me dearly and wanted to have kids and build a house together.Maybe she can't handle the pressure of all this. I feel like i'm missing part of the puzzle some where.

March 8, 2006
3:08 pm
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kathygy
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Brazil,

Being addicted to negative excitement and drama is codependent. Staying in or trying to stay in a destructuve relationships is codependent. Making excuses for this woman is codependent. I suggest you read up in codependency ("Codependent no more by melodie beattie").

You might take this time to work on your codependency. You might try attending coda meetings.
focus on you.

If this woman really loves you she will still love you overtime but if she moves on to someone else than how much could have she really loved you.

A healthy relationship requires two healthy whole people who are equals. This woman cannot provide you with this.

I think your friend is way off to say you are living life to the fullest. He evidently is not aware of the pain and turmoil you have inside of you, the price you are paying to be involved with such a dysfunctuional woman. So what if she loves you? Its not doing you much good.

But at least you have some self awareness and are looking at yourself.

You deserve the full package, someone who is equal to you and can offer you a loving and stable relationship.

March 8, 2006
5:40 pm
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Bazil
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Kathy , I appreciate your help.
I was chatting to her again thisafternoon and she was mad at me. She's mad that i've taken so much of her self esteem away that she worked so hard to get. Etc. Etc. I guess she's not going to change...and thats the hardest fact to accept. She's aven said it herself, I'll never change Baz. I find that so hard to accept. but we still chat....and i can't give up on her...I have to tell her why i treated her a certin way...i want her to heal to some degree and for me to at least admit to her where i feel i honestly did wrong or why i was manipulitve. And she's said b 4 how she's so sorry for yelling at me so much and being mad at me and how she doesn't like how she acts sometimes. We still...even at our level ...need to talk about things....to hopefully learn and get some clarity.
I've always had problems giving up...whether it be pursunig a job, ending a relationship etc. I wish i could move on a little easier than this ...but i need all this ...to help me learn. Its such a hard thing for the person involved to see ( if this is the case) that you're not going to be with this person any longer....that you're soon going to be strangers...... its hard to accept.I feel like i've failed.

March 8, 2006
8:51 pm
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inalotofpain66
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My God......it is almost EXactly like what I'm dealing with. Every day is a nightmare.....I'm just further along in the separation process......but I cannot believe either that this happened.....

I believe that she is not ready for a relationship with me. It sounds like this woman is not ready for a relationship with you or anyone. I like the "coda" ideas....because I KNOW I stayed in this relationship with all of its HIGH DRAMA for way too long......because I loved her. But she didn't love me.....not in the same way.

Hang in there......

March 9, 2006
10:30 am
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tootoughtodie
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gentlemen,

If you find yourselves thinking so much about these women, then you are on a slippery road. A relationship should ideally produce positive energy. If I am reading your posts correctly, there is basically a lot of negative energy for both of you right now. I can appreciate the intoxicating effects of great sex but you have to realize that, in essence, sex is a drug. Biologically speaking, orgasm causes the body to release chemicals which produce the well-known effects of pleasure and judgement-clouding bliss. Nothing wrong with that as it is one of life's greatest pleasures. However, combine great sex with drama, high emotions and a basic inability to separate the sex from the person and you have potential trouble.

My advice: ask yourselves a very simple question. Would you still stay in these relationships if the sex was mediocre or bad? If the answer is NO, then you have the beginnings of understanding that these are not sustainble or healthy relationships.

I will not profess to know how to go about ending them because this is is a very personal issue. My only advice would be: take time out for yourselves, talk to friends you trust and try to see how your life would be without the women.

Be prepared, however, for serious withdrawal symptoms 🙂 (as I said, great sex is a drug).

Good luck.

March 9, 2006
10:50 am
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exoticflower
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Basil, I think it would be a favor to this woman and you if you would not be involved with her until you get help coping with your feelings that she is damaged and beneith you and your obsessive dependancy upon her being of like mind with you to be happy. YOu are going to hurt both of you deeply,m I fear.

March 9, 2006
11:58 am
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kathygy
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Bazil,

Not being able to let go of a destructive or dysfinctional relationship is codependent. I urge you to work on your codependency.

I think it is fine if you want to take personal respobsibility for your part in the relationship but do for you not to try to make her feel better. That would be codependent.

Why feel like you failed? Given this woman's issues you can't expect to have had a healthy relationship with her.

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