Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
We broke up yesterday
February 23, 2005
10:48 am
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi all,

I am a 33 year old female. I have been struggling with relationship ambivalence for a very long time. Yesterday my boyfriend finally confronted me asking me "where is this going?" I answered honestly and confessed I did not know.
He then told me it was over, and I had to get my belongings out of his apartment by today. So today is the day that I have the grueling task of getting my things out. I can't blame him for deciding to end things since I have been unable to give him a concrete commitment for months.

I am writting because despite the fact that this is probably for the best, I continue to feel unsure about the ending of the relationship. I wonder if I'm just fearful of facing life alone, or if I may trully love him and possibly be making the biggest mistake of my life. They say that not making a choice is a choice. I couldn't do it (still can't). My couragous ex-boyfriend had to take the step for me. He deserves the best, and treated me with nothing but love and kindness. I'm sorry that I could not be that person for him. A part of me is excited at the thought of having reclaimed my freedom, yet the other part is missing him and wishing we would never part.

When do you give up, and accept that a relationship is just not going to work? When do you move on? Why do I stubbornly continue to cling on to him emotionally? Why am I so afraid that I may have just made the WORST mistake of my life?

PS. For my history you may want to read my response to Caterpilar "What is wrong with me???" and my first thread "I'm not sexually attracted to my boyfriend".

Thank you you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

February 23, 2005
11:12 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

now is the time to feel your feelings, and try to recognize why the relationship did not work out. I think if you work thru the issues re: the breakup, and know that things may not have worked out, and understand it...it gets easier to cope with it. Sometimes being "alone" is a fear that I used to have, and "clung" to the relationship even harder, cuz i was afraid of being alone, and not with anyone. At one point of my life, I was faced with being alone, and stayed alone for one year and 7 months...and when i did, i look back and wonder what was i so afraid of...me??? I learned ot love myself more and not settle..I have made mistakes along the way, but became so much more stronger in recognizing the old behaviors.

I wish you comfort and peace & keep venting.

(((camer)))

February 23, 2005
11:27 am
Avatar
addicts wife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sweetie... you hve a lot ot think about, and sort out, but you are capable of doing it.NO time like the present!!!
It's hard to sort out stuff about ourselves that we're not so keen on, this i know. I am also 33 , and where I am is SO not where I imagined myself..
Fear of what is unfamiliar is a big one.. and clinging t owhat is familiar even when we kow it's not the best place for us can be awful.. but cling to that glimmerof excitement you mentioned... a fresh start for a fresh you. Being "alone" was oe of THEEE best things i ever did for myself. I (a few years ago) got an apartment with NO ROOMATES, commited myself to celibacy until i was ready to date, and threw out my address book. it was lonely at first, and there were lonely days, and tearful nights, but I gained a relationship withmyself that was/is pricelesss. you will find yourelf, an you will make mistakes for the rest of our life, we all do that, It is part of growth, learning, and life.
the ones who really were my friends, and really cared about me FOUND me in my solitary apartment too by the way.

Anyway... Try to think of this as the BEST thing you everdid, Force feed yourself optimistic thoughts, and actions....
And of course come here and vent your fingers off!!!!
((((((((( Lots of Love, support, and prayer)))))))))))))))

February 23, 2005
12:05 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I think if there is any doubt about whether or not it is a big mistake, then there is still something there. Sometimes it can be so easy to 'dispose' of people - but once we do so, it is much harder to win them back. The fact that you both felt the relationship was going nowhere suggests that at least it was a mutual decision.
You decide a relationship is 'not going to work', when you no longer want to invest anything in it-and if the ambivalence outweighs the love you have for this person, then there should be no doubts.

You are on the threshold of a whole new phase in your life-of course there will be mixed feelings, just take it a day at a time..

Peace,
~charlie~

February 23, 2005
12:52 pm
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel like all of you are angels. I can not see you, yet are supportive of me. Thank you all for all of your good wishes. I wish the same for you.

UPDATE: As the afternoon wears on, I'm not sure that I can actually go through with yhe actual act of picking up my belongings and driving away...The finality of it. I panicked and didn't even start to leave the last time. He might have to pull me out kicking and screaming! I just went to the hardware store and made a copy of the front door key. I would never go into his apartment without his prior knowledge, however I got it because just knowing that I have the key to his front door makes me feel safer. Does that make sence?

February 23, 2005
1:43 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Sounds to me like you could still have a chance at making this work. Maybe if you could talk with him about the relationship-like why you both feel it's 'going nowhere' and see if there is anything you can do to change this.
Do all relationships have to be defined by progress reports, or can they just be enjoyed for what they are whilst they last. Maybe there are too many expectations here?

~charlie~

February 23, 2005
2:51 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It sounds like ending the relationship is the right decision as hard as it is. Its natural to have mixed feelings. You may have become dependent on this man but that's not love. If you're not sexually atracted to him no wonder you have doubts. You are doing him a favor by leaving so he can find someone who is sexually attracted to him.

February 28, 2005
9:21 am
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The reality of my situation hit like a bomb this weekend. I spent time with my sister on Sat, and fell into a horrible depression since.

I don't want to accept this is over. I want him back. I called him on Saturday afternoon and he told me that he could not take me back because he didn't want to go through with this again in two months when I change my mind again. He said the following:

1. "your not that into me"
2. "You have to try with me, it doesn't come easily" (meaning the relationship and the sex)
3. "You have already done this to me several times before." (break up, then want him back)

This conversation took place around 3pm on Sat while I was at work having a hell like day. I asked him if I could call him on Sunday. He said yes, but that he couldn't promise me anything. I called him yesterday at 10:30am. He was sleeping. He said he had been up until 8am with friends over, needed to catch up on some sleep and would call me later....Later never came. The later it got, the more my heart sank as I realized Jimmy doesn't want to speak to me anymore. No more chances. I blew it.

I had a hard time sleeping. Only slept five hours. I had to fight with everything I've got not to call him again. I miss him. I wish he would call me. But I know that call wont come.

The sadness I am feeling about the ending is worse than the sadness I felt when I was with him. Why didn't I stop to think about how the reality of being apart would be like? Something changed this time. I was able to walk away last time with out regrets, and fairly easily. This time my feelings are different. I should not have taken his love for granted.

I don't want to hear "oh, this will pass", or "you'll get over it".

No I wont get over it!!! Now what the hell am I sopposed to do?

I made my bed. Now I can sleep on my bed of thorns.

February 28, 2005
10:32 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

how come in the past he said you
had to "try" to love him and it didn't come easily.....
could it be that maybe you ARE not in love with him and just feel lonely now??? if not, can you talk with him and let him know how you feel, and ask yourself honestly if you do love him and want things to work. Good luck.

February 28, 2005
10:43 am
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Whatever you decide to do, remember that his feelings are affected by your decision. If he feels that you are not really in love with him, and you feel ambivalent, but HE really does love YOU, then he is being hurt by being around you.

It's rough, but he also has the right to decide what is best for him.

February 28, 2005
11:11 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

pathfinder

I had the same experience. I thought that ending my relationship with my ex, was the right thing to do at the time. It's been several months now, and I am starting to do okay... BUT the feelings you describe are identical to what I experienced straight afterwards. My boyfriend went silent on me too, and not only that but he misunderstood some things I had tried to say to him.

I was sleepless, restless, aching, nauseated, urgent, regretful, yearning, physically pained - I wanted him back so badly. But I knew it was over. Then followed shock, disbelief, inability to trust my own judgement (why had I ended it????). Even when I reminded my self why, it only served to make me feel worse, because the reasons seemed so insignificant compared to the realisation that I had to be with him again.

There is going to be suffering, I won't lie to you, BUT there is also a resolution - whether that be, a turn of events, acceptance, forgiveness, time....

I wish you all the strength in the world. It's a bit like chilbirth - no-one else can do it for you. As for painrelief- your innerself, friends,counselling, this site, information about 'how to deal with breakups, being kind to yourself, taking any small comforts, insightful bittersweet poems or music, and ...time....

~love charlie~

February 28, 2005
2:47 pm
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is 2:41pm. I am obsessed. I went to the store and bought him two greeting cards with the intention to show up at his door step this evening and beg him to take me back. I have our wedding picture to show him...maybe that will soften his resolve. I am probably setting myself up for disaster because the odds are that he will stand firm in his decision not to continue gambling his heart with me. But what if it works? I am 80% that I will not be able to stop myself from following through with this plan. I'm not to sure that I will be influenced by well meaning friends at this point, but your imput will be greatly appreciated. I am trully on the verge of going crazy.
HELP!

February 28, 2005
11:27 pm
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I ended up going to the gym instead. Today was a victory. I didn't act on my impulse. I miss him but I don't want to make things worse.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
46
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110907
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
819Zeed, odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer