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We broke up. I'm feeling numb. (turn)
February 25, 2007
8:53 pm
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turnabout
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That really says it all. I haven't really talked much about this relationship on here. It's always felt pretty secure. Well, until lately, that is. We hit a few bumps in the road, but they were always so managable --not even in the least bit scary or overwhelming. And I always felt respected and loved. But over the last few months I've gradually been feeling that our relationship has taken a backseat to his other interests.

Well, anyway it's done now. I guess the one thing I find kind of shocking is that he really chose the other things distracting him from our relationship over us. He really wants them more than me. I hate that.

But it isn't really shocking. I saw it coming. After last Friday (a week ago), I've had to face some realizations about what ISN'T happening in our relationship, and also forced me to think about whether that was okay. Whether it was just a temporary condition due to the other things he's dealing with, or something more pervasive. And the more I looked over our whole history, the more I saw a pervasiveness to these things.

It's so disappointing. I'm just disappointed. It wasn't a bad breakup. We'll remain friends. It's just less than what I hoped for, and it's a change. It's hard to imagine living this new life I have without him being right beside me. I'm just sad. Just disappointed.

February 25, 2007
9:01 pm
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Jenni
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((((turnabout)))) I'm so sorry, Honey. I know exactly what you're feeling right now. It's such a feeling of loss.

I'm glad you have agreed to remain friends. That's where I'm at right now, too. It's hard, but not as difficult as it would have been, had it been on bad terms. But nonetheless, it still hurts.

Hang in there, Sweetie.

February 25, 2007
9:24 pm
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(((turn))), I'm so sorry. Even though it's not a "bad breakup", it's still a loss.

I have admired many of your posts. I don't even know what to say except I'm sorry to hear this happened.

Take good care of yourself.

February 25, 2007
9:31 pm
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turnabout
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Thank you both. I know I'll be fine ~ and that WE'LL be fine. But you're right. It's still a loss, and does hurt nonetheless.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and hugs. I'm feeling pretty down.

February 25, 2007
10:00 pm
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Shaney
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Oh TraCo - I'm so so sorry. The first few days after a breakup are the worst. It's one of those flat, dull, aching feelings that, in a little time, will fade away. You're one extraordinary, level lady, and I'm sure you'll go on without missing a beat. You'll take care of yourself, move forward and know that this breakup was just one more step that will take you where you're meant to be. Love, hugs, and lots of respect to you, my friend. You've helped me so much - know that I'm here for you :o).

(((tra))) - love - Shaney

February 26, 2007
7:48 am
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(((((Tra))))))

I'm so sorry!!!!!!

I'm here if you need to talk about it, my friend!

All my love,

TC

February 26, 2007
8:31 am
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bevdee
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(((Turnabout)))

February 26, 2007
9:18 am
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risingfromtheashes
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sweetie...I'm sorry.

You have come so far in your own journey...setbacks like this suck.

I don't know all your details, but know that I went thru something similar with 26. And was similarly disappointed when he bailed.

Know that I care and you are in my thoughts.

((((turn)))))

February 26, 2007
10:00 am
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lettingo
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I just want to say, I know it is hard to end a relationship but you should so proud of yourself for doing what is best for you. Not going along hoping and wishing that things would change. I broke up with someone two weeks ago and I felt bad for a few days but it did pass and now I can have more clarity and I am so glad I made the decision I made. Way to go being True to Yourself! That really is such a healthy sign.

February 26, 2007
10:27 am
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frndforevr
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Dont worry turn...

I know it HURTS n HURTS real bad.. but just be strong.. keep yourself busy with other things...

Why not do something that you like .. go out and meet people and friends girlie... or anything fun..

Just do it.. even if you dont wanna...

You are gonna b fine.. :).. I m sure

Love ya

frnd forevr

February 26, 2007
11:56 am
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turnabout
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Thank you Shaney, rising, lettingo & frnd. I appreciate all your thoughts and hugs. TC, I'll probably take you up on that.

I'm still reeling from disbelief to be honest. But last night, I started getting mad, too. I was journaling about this happening, my feelings, looking back on the whole relationship, and came to this crazy realization. Crazy because I only just now see it.

He's just a commitmentphobe, just like all the rest of those stupid guys.

Stupid moron.

I really want to be serene, mature, and matter-of-fact about it, but right now I'm feeling pretty freakin' pissed. You'll excuse me if I take it out on all of you?

The signs are so clear to me now. I knew he said "I love you" too soon. I knew his proclaimed interest in me wasn't matched with an evident interest in me, meaning he didn't really inquire deeply into who I was before deciding I was "it". He gave me a false sense of security by always making a show of being the more deeply involved one, even as recently as two weeks ago, stating that if one of us was gearing up for a breakup it would be me.

See, over a week ago we had a little incident that brought to the surface a lot of insecurity and emotion that had been going on for at least a month. I said then that I was scared for us ~ that we weren't going to make it, and he revealed the same fear. That same night brought into focus for me exactly what was missing from our relationship to give me that fear and the truth that it had really been missing all along. So, I told him last night that since then I had been thinking over what I wanted to do about it, and I had decided that the ball was in his court. I told him that if he wanted me, I was all his, but not at any cost. That I wanted him to have his dreams and to support him in them, and I don't ask to be more important than them, but I do need to be at least AS important as them. And when we go somewhere together, I want to be the most important person in the room to him (which refers back to the "little incident" we had over a week ago).

See, in myself, while I doubted we were going to make it, I had concluded that I was having a tough time making a "stay or go" decision because I needed to give him the full information about how I was feeling and why and give him the chance to fix it. I guess I honestly thought he would want to TRY. Always in the past he would try, and always accomplish it, too. He never let me down in that way. He always took my concerns to heart and worked on himself. But not this time. He took what I said; He held me, but the truth is his mind was already made up.

I'm so hurt over that. I can still hear the stupid, stoic sound of his voice as he said that he was sorry for breaking my heart and that I was too good for him ... More of that commitmentphobic drivel.

I'm tired of typing. I'll have to rant more later.

February 26, 2007
12:03 pm
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turnabout
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Oh, and another commitmentphobic symptom ... he was the one wayyy in love with me all along ... up until MY feelings deepened to that level. See, I held my emotions in reserve for a long time, which, i guess, is why it lasted so long. It was right when I started giving in to feeling very deeply for him and thinking about a future that he started pulling away.

I hate men right now.

February 26, 2007
12:05 pm
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(((Turn))),

I'm so sorry this happened. I know you are hurting right now but I do want to take this time to tell you how much I admire you and how proud I am that even though you are hurt...you are still taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do.

You saw something that made you unhappy and you had courage enough to face that head on and not settle for less than you deserve.

I wish that strength for myself some day.

Hugs to you my friend,
Lolli

February 26, 2007
12:19 pm
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((((Turn))))

I am so sorry that happened.

Go ahead and vent vent vent.

Men suck.

SD

February 26, 2007
12:25 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Turn,

maybe I have another cosmic twin here?

I had the same thing happen with 26.

Ironically, both younger men for both of us.

He jumped in feet first...and like yours, believed I was the one before getting to really know me.

And once I was moved here, and he realized my commitment was there, he panicked.

I always felt I was the most important person in the room, but towards the end, as he pulled away, I didn't feel like the relationship was as important as his other stuff going on with him. And he let go of the relationship cuz he felt he couldn't juggle all of it.

And I was pissed cuz he didn't try...I was pissed cuz he walked away without trying...and I was MORE pissed cuz he was a coward for not just telling me, and forcing me to break up with him...making me feel guilty for hurting him.

So, I really understand your situation....and know what you are going thru.

February 26, 2007
12:40 pm
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turnabout
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EXACTLY. The juggling part.

The "issue" bringing all of this to a head, at least in his mind I'm sure, is that he's going to a conference in a couple of weeks to seek work that will surely remove him from the area. This was always in the background during our whole relationship as a possibility he was considering, but I figured a:) we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and b:) we'll see where our relationship is then. If we're still together, he may not even WANT to pursue that option. Well, that's what I HOPED.

As the deadline for applying to go approached, I think I might have questioned him about it once. It was still on his mind, but sounded pretty iffy. I put it out of my mind then, as our relationship seemed to deepen (i.e. I guess MY feelings began to deepen). Then, next thing I know, he's announced to the world on MySpace that he's seriously weighing this option. WHAT???? Here it is a serious option and he hasn't even seriously discussed it with me before telling the whole damn world. I let him know I was upset over that one, and he apologized, blah, blah, blah.

He thinks this is something he HAS to do, to find out what's out there and what he's capable of. For me, the issue is that he has a dream he wants to pursue, but that he thinks there's this ONE way of doing it, which pretty much eliminates me from the picture because I love my home and am not picking up to follow him traipsing all over the country.

And the truth to me is that if I was AS important to him as this dream, he would at least look for some other option. But he has this tunnel vision that he HAS to do this thing.

And the thing that kills me is that he isn't even really preparing for the conference. He's just sort of freewheeling it, and you just can't DO that if you're really serious.

But, for me, this "issue" is really just symptomatic of the big picture. I'm just not as important to him as I thought I was or as I want to be.

Stupid moron. Arrghhh!

February 26, 2007
4:53 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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my turn to tell you how wonderful YOU are and that you shouldn't be judging that he "CHOSE" this path OVER you.

He may very well love you...and this may have been a hard choice for him.

I had the situation happen with 26 AND with my ex.

My ex tried to satisfy both needs - having the career of his dreams AND having me....but not in the same place.

It was a long distance commute and it put stress on us. I am sure it was a huge factor in alot of our issues....tho not the root cause.

I always felt like he was choosing his career over me.

Also, with 26...I think part of him worried that being on the road (which he loves) would hurt our relationship...so instead of letting it go that far, he pulled away first.

I couldn't be a trucker's wife...he knows that.

So, in essence, he did have to choose.

In my absence, he has figured out that he hates being over the road all week long....so now he's looking for local work.

All I can really say is that this may be something he has to get out of his system...and if he's not prepared and fails at it...it's not YOUR FAULT...it's his.

It's hard when you "lose" to a career...cuz it's not a tangible person or anything...and you figure, there has to be other options...but for the person making the choice, sometimes there is no other options than the one they want.

And I don't want to sound like I am defending him...but the risk he would do this WAS there when you met.

I wished it had turned out better....cuz you deserve to continue feeling the love that you did all this time.

February 27, 2007
11:24 am
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turnabout
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You know, I remember feeling a lot like these guys ... being convinced that you can't have it ALL, so something has to give, and for a while there, it was my love life. I didn't think I could pursue the career I wanted and have a love life unless I found a guy who had the EXACT SAME path as me. Well, now I know that you CAN have it all ... you just can't have it all in a certain way. If you want it all, you have to be flexible in you ideas of how you'll achieve it or what form it will be in.

Well, I'm just rambling now.

Anyway, thanks for the support. I'm feeling much better today. I got through the crying jag of Sunday night and the anger of yesterday. Then at some point yesterday afternoon I realized that one thing upsetting me was the idea of hanging around him without being his girlfriend. And it was upsetting because I was deferring to HIS idea of how things would be now. I couldn't believe myself when I realized this!!! So, that allowed me to take my power back and decide for myself that, no, he isn't going to keep me in his back pocket. We'll remain friends, but I'm definitely not doing that.

Gotta go. Talk to y'all later! And thanks again!

February 27, 2007
11:36 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I TOTALLY agree with you.

When E said he wanted a real estate career, I supported it.

BUT, he wanted a real estate career in the county HE WANTED...not just anywhere.

And in my mind, he could easily make money no matter WHERE he sold...if he was good enough.

But he had it in his head that he wanted it the way he wanted it.

Oh well, his loss.

And the funny thing about this, that makes me laugh...is that he followed it, fought for it....then pissed it ALL AWAY...he has nothing now.

well, barring a really unstable girlfriend...but that's a whole nuther story.

I wonder if age, experience and maturity have anything to do with these types of decisions.

February 27, 2007
12:27 pm
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turnabout
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I'm sure maturity is a factor. But I had a great conversation with a girlfriend last night (about this and in general), and as I told her, it's really easy for me to be tempted into excusing his decision by saying "He's young. He's inexperienced at life. He doesn't know what he wants. Blah, blah blah." But I can't let myself do that. He's young, but he's still a grown man who has adult decisions to make, whether he's mature enough or not. And this decision, to me, is just one of a series that he's making to put off maturity. On one hand I feel bad for him, for he IS at a crossroads of realizing he needs to change his life to take on more adult responsibilities, but at the same time is afraid of losing opportunities that are uniquely plentiful when you have less responsibility. It is a TRUE dilemma for him.

But what I can't excuse is that when he was faced with these difficult choices, I got sacrificed. I don't think it has anything to do with my value to him, but it does show a lack of appreciation of my value to him. The fact of the matter is that he had choices other than the one he chose. I'd hoped he'd come to see that, but he never did, so this is where we stand now.

And, sadly, part of me find this kind of funny ... meaning, I don't think he realizes exactly what this breakup means. We WILL NOT be hanging out as buddies now.

February 27, 2007
12:32 pm
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2bstrong
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Dear Turn,

I am so sorry.

I know exactly what you mean about DISAPPOINTED. So well. We enter into these relationships (after being heartbroken before) with caution and trepidation. With practical expectations; with complete awareness of each moment. When it doesn't work out as we had hoped, we feel first disappointed and then sad because we knew there was no guarantee that it will continue to go in the direction that we would like. We are wise, but we had hoped...WE PAYED ATTENTION, DAMMIT.

And the commitmentphobia. It is so RAMPANT! My goodness, what has our culture done to us/themthat we fear the connection??? That is my search.

Sending you love and hugs. I'll be back to talk later, I really need to read all of the posts before I can comment further.

2b

February 27, 2007
1:29 pm
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Shaney
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Hey traco - just checking on you. Hope all is well, my friend.

As I read about how you came to your decision, I agree with you for the most part. But guys being guys, seem to have more steam/balls/gumption when it comes to their future or their livelyhood, than when it comes to personal relationships. He's taking a risk for the sake of his future - which is disappointing to those that are left behind, but can also be thought of as admirable too. He may be immature, but taking chances is the only way he'll grow up.

As women, we can multi-task, weigh all of our options, and come up with the best solution... and our best solution usually puts our relationship first.

Guys, while they're trying to set themselves up in the financial world, aren't going to make the same choices. I think, that in their minds, being a man means being financially stable first, before they land a good woman and settle down. I don't know, just my opinion.

I see the same pattern repeated over and over again, in guys who are trying to set themselves up in a career. Once they do, they enjoy their money for a while, sew their oats, THEN settle down.

Women don't do things in that order - in fact they're usually more willing to give up their financial and career dream, for the sake of the relationship. In looking back at my own life, I juggled both - but probably would have gone a lot farther, a lot faster, if I would have given up my guy at the time, for the sake of establishing my career. Retrospect is funny, because the sacrifices that I made were for guys that I could give a shit less about now.

Anyway, my point.... (and I THINK I have one) is that you shouldn't take it personally. These guys are wired differently, period. And his choice isn't because you're less than what possibly lies ahead of him - not at ALL. He HAS to know what you're worth. I just think that the order in which these guys do things, takes over almost instinctually, I guess. He probably has no idea that hanging out with you isn't really an option at this point. His thinking, and his thought process reaches about as far as the end of his nose - where you've thought this situation out MILES beyond your own nose.

I think the timing element is off here. You're years ahead of him - and the options that you can see now, he'll be seeing himself, in a few years. You know what I mean?

February 27, 2007
2:04 pm
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turnabout
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well, yes, I guess I agree that the timing element is off with us, but I REALLY don't like looking at it that way. While it is probably true, it's also just an excuse.

I guess it would be more acceptable to me if he hadn't given up so soon. And, as I said, I don't think the career ambition is the REAL issue. In fact, I was on board for a "wait and see" attitude with respect to this conference (which is only 2 freakin' weeks away!!! He couldn't have waited until after that???). He's being so unrealistic about it, too, that it seems to me that this career move isn't so important to him as it is a desperate, last ditch effort at something OTHER than what his fear of getting stuck in a small town. I mean, if that's what he REALLY wants to pursue, there are a heck of a lot more means for pursuing it than he's using even without throwing ME into the picture.

I know what you're saying, Shaney. No, I'm not taking it personally at this point. I've realized that, even though I wanted us to stay together and I want us to remain friends, **I** have to define what will be good for ME now. I can't have an US mentality anymore. I love him, but he's just going to have to deal with that.

And while I accept that guys are just wired differently, I have to look at the choices a person makes in a given moment. I'm sure there are a zillion influences at any given time that can make someone choose this way or that, and with age SOME of us get better at filtering out the junk. (LOL) But no matter our age, experience, or anything, we are no less responsible for our choices in one moment than we are in the next.

So, in a nutshell I'm just saying that I can understand his decision, and love him in spite of it, but I cannot excuse it.

Love to you, girl. I have to check in on you to see how the house situation is going. I've been looking in for updates, but haven't really had anything helpful to offer, I'm afraid.

February 27, 2007
2:29 pm
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Sakti
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(((((Hugs))))) Sakti

February 27, 2007
2:59 pm
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Shaney
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Yeah, tra, you're right... let's throw him to the dogs. :o)

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