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WD's Poem of the day--for "A"
December 29, 2003
12:37 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Impulsive

Impulsive, she wrestles friends to the ground and smothers them with kisses

Generous beyond reason,
she regularly empties her purse of
cash for needy strangers

Friend to birds and trees and rivers,
She dwells on deeply wooded mountainsides
Or prowls the seashore, hooded and dancing
Like a Kwakiutl shaman

She is afraid of men, and she needs men.
Loving with an intensity few can bear,
She contends with a ferocity
none can match

So when she held the revolver to my head
and said “leave,” I left.
She’s never forgiven me for that

December 29, 2003
2:18 pm
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free
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WOW.

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December 29, 2003
2:37 pm
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Good.

December 29, 2003
7:21 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Lisset,

The poem is based on real life. It got to the point where "A" would tell me to get out about every other week. I promised myself that the next time she did, I would. It was the oppression that killed me. The firearms were kind of scary, too. Jeez, that drunken maniac could have killed me.

Funny, though "D" actually came closer to killing me and didn't even have the advantage of using a gun.

December 29, 2003
8:36 pm
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LA Rosa
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Your poem seems so tragic Worried Dad and I'm concerned to hear that the oppression killed you. It sounded as though you do not consider that you are alive - when I know that you are! Oppression does leave it's mark though - and you know I'm aware of that. I remember that you said something about the neuro-scientific chemical changes that take place - and have to wonder how you have come to believe that these are permanent. Can I just ask you how long you've been away from her.....roughly? Doesn't it take time to heal?

I'm just so thankful that 'D' didn't do it Worried Dad....it took my brother! It should never have happenned - he was such a very caring and loving, intelligent, generous and unoffensive person who didn't want to bother anyone.....and kept it all bottled up inside.

It didn't have to end like that.....

Love, LA Rosa

December 30, 2003
2:51 am
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I know many things can change a person forever. A gun to the head is one of them.

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December 30, 2003
12:11 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Thanks, guys!

Yes, it does sometimes feel like I am just going through the motions of being alive.

I don't like being afraid of my own shadow. I don't like being afraid of women and intimacy. I don't like being irritable and angry. I don't like feeling hopeless and paralyzed. I didn't used to be this way, and people who know and love me are appalled at the changes in my personality.

What keeps me going is the thought that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find my son and help him. And if she chooses to finish me off, then by God, I will at least have done the right thing and my boy WILL find out what she has done one day.

December 30, 2003
12:35 pm
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Dear Worried Dad,,I haven't talked to you before, but I've read you're posts. A gun to the head,,yep, that would pretty much do it for me too. I would be afraid of men if someone did that to me. You said you couldn't find you son? Forgive me if I've missed something here but do you have any clue where this crazy woman took him? I pray that you will find him soon. You didn't say how old he is, or I didn't see it on other threads. Was he witness to any of these horrible things she did to you? If you prefer not to delve back into it, I understand. Your poem touched me, sounded so painful. I pray you find the peace you so greatly deserve. W.

December 30, 2003
1:22 pm
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Hi Wantobewell,

Actually, there was no gun play with "D," thank God.

My son is seven years old. When last I caught up with them they were in Idaho.

He did see her hit me a couple of times, and could hear the verbal-emotional abuse the rest of the time. He would say "Hey you guys, stop having a conversation!" I hate it that she put our little boy in the role of caregiver. I like to think that he was too young to remember her hitting me really--but I'm sure there is an emotional memory.

The last time I saw him was just after a violent episode, which he heard but didn't see. On the way out the door he said "I need you Dad, and I'm never going to see you again!" I reassured him "Of course you will, silly!" His Mom offered no such reassurance, which makes sense given her insane threat to hide him from me.

I wish I had known then what I know now.

December 30, 2003
1:31 pm
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Hi WD,

Do you have any clue as to where she went? Have you actively tried to find your son?

December 30, 2003
3:37 pm
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Hi Zinnie,

Just before she vanished she demanded that I make an appointment for us to see our old therapists—of course that was just her delaying tactic to buy time to effect a concealment of my son. I was trying to get the therapists to make an appointment to see her because I wanted a shrink to confront her about her abusiveness. I was really in rough shape—couldn’t sleep, was very anorexic, hadn’t eaten for a week…
When she vanished with my boy it just broke me. Shrink said I was too angry, not representing myself well (gee I wonder why) and advised me to wait at least six months before even considering taking legal action. Being suggestible after the brainwashing I endured from “D” I followed hi advice. What a damn fool I was.

Finally I put a “Have You Seen Me” advertisement in her Mother’s home town newspaper, with a photo of my son. I figured she would feel ashamed and call me. No such luck. I did get a call from a woman who told me that she knew exactly where my boy was because she walked into her marital bedroom and found “D” and her husband and my son in her bed. It annoys the heck out of me that at that time, we were technically, still engaged and in a monogamous relationship.

I’m also not liking the implications of my child being in bed with two adults. Especially that I am now aware of the connection between intimate partner violence and child abuse, narcissism and incest.

Anyway, I tried to do what the shrink said" play Mr. Nice guy, be conciliatory, sent her $150 each week, begging her to write a parenting plan with me. Six months later, on the dot, she moved again without telling me.

I did get a call from her, and had some phone contact for a while, but I was never able to get that address. Now I think she has moved again. My next step is probably to hire a detective, stake out the parents’ house.

In my role as working "househusband" I did all the cooking, all the cleaning, and the bulk of hands-on childcare which resulted in me becoming our son's primary parental attachment figure. I know he has been hurt by this. I cannot see how she can justify this behavior as being good for our child. How could she do this? How can she claim to love him?

December 30, 2003
3:41 pm
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Zinnie
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WD,

Would she be working?

Trying to send you in the right direction. I used to be a Fraud Prevention Manager - for far too many years... you can find just about anyone.

Z.

December 30, 2003
4:12 pm
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Hi Zinnie,

Probably she is working. Boy, if you know how to find people I'm all ears. There is also another witness I need to find who does not want to be found.

December 30, 2003
9:54 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi WD,

The easiest way for you to find her is to check out http://www.backgroundchecks.com

There is a fee, but actually it is reasonable. Run a Social Security Trace on her number if you have it - that shows every address she has had that has been reported to the credit bureau's; which happens any time she moves.

Also, if you have her last address - take a blank envelope and address it to her. Put in big letters on the front "ADDRESS CHANGE REQUESTED - DO NOT FORWARD" what they (the Post Office) will do is they will put one of the yellow stickers with the new address on it, and send it back to you.

Do you have legal custody of your son? Are you on the birth certificate?

Z.

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