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WD...
July 16, 2004
9:36 am
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Juanita
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I just wanted to say thank you to you. Many times, I see your words of advice to others and to myself. You haven't been posting on your thread lately. I wanted to let you know how appreciated you are.

Thank you for all you do.

July 16, 2004
9:43 am
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fairy99
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I agree Juanita. WD is very wise and his honesty is very much respected by me. I know that his honesty is sometimes mistaken but sometimes the truth hurts. WD hope things are good for you and yours.

July 16, 2004
9:51 am
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Anonymous
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Ditto

July 17, 2004
12:40 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Thank you for seeing me and appreciating me.

I am sometimes blunt, I know. Really, I mean no harm.

About my story thread: It's just getting to the really crazy part--my mind gets fuzzy when I think of it. It's hard to explain. It makes me sad and mad. Teasing everything apart while feeling it is the hardest work I've ever done.

In some ways, it is really too late for me--the damage has already been done. Other people's problems seem so clear cut to me, so urgent.

My only possible revenge against the forces of patriarchy, ignorance, darkness and chaos to is spread information, offer support and to call bullshit where I see it. For the most part, you have to pay a price for integrity.

July 17, 2004
6:29 pm
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WD I am curious whats going on in your life now.. Your story yes is very interesting.. and the way you tell it makes everyone want to keep reading.. Am I asking to much to know where you are in your life today? I am just curious how things are now for you? You say you feel the damage is already done.. I don't know what things are like now and so cannot disagree or agree.
*smiles*

July 17, 2004
7:45 pm
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Worried_Dad
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My life is...I dunno, okay. I go to work. They like me at work. Ilike my work.

I like where I live. I have a creative life. I have hobbies like music and reading and reading and reading.

I'm much better than I was, really.

But I feel sad a lot, and I have bad dreams. And I miss him. So much. And I worry about him.

You know, when I first started reading about how many battered women report that psychological abuse can be more damaging than physical assault I thought--yeah, right. But now that I have assayed the damage done to me personally I can affirm. I have endured both kinds of violence.

Slaps and punches only hurt for a minute. Bruises fade. Okay, the neck is going to be a pain in the neck for life, but as long as I do my P.T. excercises, It should be okay.

But my brain...

I can feel something wrong with my brain, my will. It is like having a bad automatic transmission or something, Sometimes I feel so helpless, powerless, paralyzed. I feel dirty, like I will never be clean again. Like I have been used, used for evil, used up.

I have this noise in my head, all the time. If I didn't have neurons to spare I would be in deepest yogurt. I keep hearing her say horrible things, I keep seeing the smile on her face as she was hitting me, I keep hearing my little boy crying, I keep hearing him say "Dad I need you and I'm never going to see you again!"

And I can't make it stop. No matter how busy I keep myself, I can't make it stop. I just keep thinking that maybe if I talk it out here it will stop. I just wish I could make it stop.

And I feel so alone--most people have no idea what I'm talking about. The only ones who think I'm not boring, obsessed, or just plain nuts are battered women and a few real sharp shrinks. Christ, here I am a grown man and my most trusted friends are battered women. What a crazy world.

I used to be so carefree, confident, generous. I didn't used to have bad dreams. I was not afraid of anything or anybody. Now I am dirty.

July 17, 2004
8:36 pm
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free
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Hugs wd.

free

July 17, 2004
10:18 pm
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Juanita
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WD,

You have touched my heart, as well as the hearts of many others. I tell you again, you are not dirty. You are human. You and your boy were the innocents here - the victims. Would that I could wrap you up in a hug and re-unite you with your boy... You have suffered horrors and pain beyond what most of us can comprehend. My nature is to want to sooth and comfort. I wish I could help you. All I can offer is simple. You are cared about, thought about, & appreciated. You are thought of highly by a lot of us.

Thank you for sharing your life, past and present. I am hoping and praying your search for your boy finds him soon. I so want for you to have a happy ending, an end to this nightmare...

You have touched my heart with your life. If I can reassure you that you are not dirty, are loveable, and wonderful in your own right, maybe I have touched your life in some small way. Maybe sooth your soul a little.

Wish I could do more....

Please be well & know we care.

Love,
Juanita

July 17, 2004
11:35 pm
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Anonymous
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WD thank you for sharing.

What do you do to take care of yourself. I cannot imagine your pain. The closest I come is being sepertated from my sisters for 13 years.. I will put you in my prayers.
My heart is with you.. And not because I pity you but because I empathize with you..

I agree about the physical verses emotional abuse. I have had both also. Physically it is easier to bounce back and the healing process is clear. With emotional sometimes we never truly understand. I know I get tired of not trusting myself and allowing others to judge and tell me who I am and how I should feel, well if it doesn't agree with them.
All my life I have told what I was seeing and hearing wasn't really happening..

One thing I have noticed is you are very intelectual (sp) and sometimes I think it makes it harder because you mind works so much and is so complex that it tends to work, work and overwork.. If that makes sense.. Sometimes I am not the best at putting things into the right words.

I don't feel the way I did before my first marriage. I felt the same way.. Out spoken, confident, assertive. I knew what I wanted and other peoples opinions did not bother me.. Very outgoing.. I think that as much as it hurts that everything happens for a reason. We don't always know what it is but it is there none the less.
You say all your friends are battered women.. Did you ever thing by going threw all you have that now you have shared with others what you went threw. Also how you have been able to reach out and help them. I could almost bet that you have touched and helped so many women gain their lives back. I know that does not give you your son and I am not trying to make light of it.. Just wanting to point out that threw your lessons you have now become a teacher for others.. You plant seeds, encourage, and inspire so many women and men too for that matter..

Have you found any ways to help? I know some days are better than others but what do you do to take care of you?

Again thanks for sharing, I appreciate it.

July 18, 2004
9:45 am
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Worried_Dad
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Smiles,

Thanks for asking...boy you started something there.

Yes, there are some things that help I think. Being with people I can trust is a huge one.

Guys, I know that sometimes irrational things come out of my mouth...typewriter..keyboard.

Feeling guilty, powerless, dirty...I know that is irrational stuff. And I know that it was my prolonged encounter with something profoundly irrational, even perverse that either planted or activated that emotional material within me. Irrational though it sounds, it helps me to talk it out that way.

After yesterday's post (during actually) I started to get these hot tears leaking out of my eyes. I needed to give voice to that hurting child inside me so that I could feel something like adult compassion for him, for myself. I'm sorry that this is so yucky. Just squashing it all deep down inside doesn't seem to help though. Clearing and venting in a safe place does seem to help.

I did have a healing experience last week. I was going to visit my mom in the hospital. On the way there I passed the house where I used to live with "A." And there in the yard was "A" herself!! After 13 years.

She made coffee and we had a nice talk for about 1 1/2 hours. She has since quit drinking and gotten treatment for her borderline disorder. She was genuinely sorry for how she had treated me, and I could see that she had real affection and compassion for me and my situation. After that talk I felt more centered than I had for a long time. Calmer.

July 18, 2004
10:33 am
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Anonymous
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HI WD wow there is a lot going on..

I feel the very same way about healing and allowing that little girl inside me to feel safe and feel period when she needs to. For a long time I did not have a clear enough awarness to even know that is what was going on. Today I understand and yes we need to be able to allow our inner child to feel, love, heal, and don't forget play. I see nothing "yucky" about that. It is all very positive to me and is necessary to grow and learn.

Wow I can't belive you saw "A". Wow that sounds great that she has been able to seek treatment. You say you taked for 1 1/2 hours and now you feel more centered and calmer than you have in a long time. So was that it just the one conversation or do thing you two will talk again. I am glad that talking to her was able to help you. 🙂 Do you think that seeing resurfaced old feelings at all and I am not speaking of any in particular?

July 18, 2004
10:54 am
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Worried_Dad
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smiles,

Well, I definitely remembered why I fell in love with "A" to begin with.

Don't know if we'll talk again. I miss her charming company, though.

July 18, 2004
11:05 am
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I can only imagine.. 😉 I am glad that things are on a good note. So do you belive she has made changes? Can you tell by talking to her? What is going on in here life? Did she act interested in talking again?

Yes I can imagine some of the feelings that you had and are still having wow..

How do you feel? Do you want to talk again? Sounds that way. 😉

And one more WOW!!!

*smiles*

July 18, 2004
10:54 pm
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Juanita
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WD,

I've been thinking of you. Trying to envision your day to day life. Visions of you constantly thinking come to mind, constantly reading, thinking & researching. This is off-track, I know, but I hope you find a special "love of your life" to help you thru your life's journeys... to love you and comfort you and help heal you. I know, I know - you are not looking for that right now probably - but I do wish for you that you did have that. Someone to be right there - to help and support you - to take care of your inner child and offer you, the grown man, a place of peace.

Sounds wonderful, the talk you had with "A". Glad you felt better afterwards. More centered and calmer are good things to start with. And, even if there is no romance, another friend is fantastic thing to have too. True friends are more precious than gold or jewels.

My best,
Juanita

July 19, 2004
1:32 am
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Worried_Dad
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Thanks Juanita, Smiles

I just like talking to "A." I always have.

She has done a lot of work on herself. I respect that. Consciousness--what I liked about her from day one.

We'll never be lovers again of course. Many good reasons.

I figure a guy like me is gonna be most happy probably with some woman who either has or wants children. Maybe not just any guy like me but actually me.

Oops, too tired to type. Love, WD

July 19, 2004
10:24 am
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WD

I think you sell yourself a bit short when it comes to having another woman in your life or anyone else for that matter. I have read so many of your comments in these threads and I get the impression of a strong confident man who's honesty is amazing. All to oten when we feel the lonliest we can feel, we have a tendency to just give up. I never understood that because I was alwasy taught to be a rock by my MOm. Sure I would break down, I'm human, but I had to pull myself back up and try again. When I met my husband I wasn't looking for anyone. I was perfectly happy living alone and could have done it forever. Something clicked between us and I realized that I neede to stop throwing a pity party for my self and let this man love me and allow myself to love him. Things havent' always been peachy but we have a very strong bond with each other. I believe in love and i believe that in this world no matter how cruel it can be, there is someone for us all. My heart goes out to you and I want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty in everything you say.
Fairy

July 19, 2004
11:53 pm
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Zinnie
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Hey WD,

I don't know if you are following the thread about Stalker Chick - but guess who made an appearance via letter today via court?

Mary Hoff.

July 20, 2004
2:49 am
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Hey WD, just wanted to pop in and say hi. I think I recall that you live near Seattle. The weather here has been amazing. I went running around Greenlake yesterday and just loved it, since it was hot and started to rain a little bit towards the end. Myrtle Edwards Park is also nice for a run. I'm so sorry that you are going through such awful stuff. I wish that I could offer some comfort, but my experiences, varied as they are, are too limited. I wish you nothing but the best, and if you have a chance, go catch the Seattle Symphony one night. It will transport you, I promise. I saw Howard Shore conduct the symphony from Lord of the Rings on Saturday, and I thought I was going to explode it was so wonderful.

July 20, 2004
10:12 am
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Worried_Dad
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Zinnie--Mary Colette Hoff of Seattle? Saying what? (Eyes bugging out)

Thanks for comfort Gingerleigh--I love this town.

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