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WD: Whining
April 22, 2004
3:35 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi guys,

You know, I appreciate you guys being sympathetic even though I whine at you. Sometimes I feel so...unmanly. Just a little more.

The time is approaching when I have the method and means to finally locate and confront the batterer who has abducted and concealed my child from me. And things are starting to heat up inside me.

I worry that my son won't know me anymore. He might not even call me "Dad" anymore. I am so sad.

Years of humilation, fear, and crying myself to sleep every night. But now, I feel like cannot let myself have tears. Once I start, I don't know if I'll be able to stop. I have got to maintain my composure to get through this.

And the nightmares are back every night. In my dreams, I look and look but I cannot find my boy. I know he is in trouble but I can't find him. Only "her." And she is so cold, so evil, it is terrifying. And the part of me that still loves her is so vulnerable to her.

If it weren't for the routine of work, and the support of a few friends (some of you are here) I don't know what I would do.

April 22, 2004
3:42 pm
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nancee
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If it helps, I have never thought of you as whiny. Seeing what you have been going through makes my problems seem so small. I wish you luck in finding your boy. You are such a strong person...you will get through this.

April 22, 2004
3:46 pm
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gingerleigh
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((((WD))))) It doesn't sound like whining to me.

April 22, 2004
4:38 pm
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annastar
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Oh... Dear Woried Dad- if you have more of this type of "whining", please, post it. Hate to admit it, but it making me feel better.

April 22, 2004
5:29 pm
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Anonymous
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Worried Dad-

You are always there for everyone else, so of course they will be there for you, and I don't call it whining, its called expressing and helping, you have helped me so much, so dont think that just because you are a man doesnt mean you dont deserve help as well, or dont need help.

April 22, 2004
5:47 pm
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CAMER
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i agree....you do not sound like you are whining at all.....more like you are expressing your feelings and giving encouragment to some of us who may be in denial about getting better and stronger.

April 22, 2004
6:07 pm
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wd I've never thought of you as a whiner.

What an intense situation. Hang in there a bit longer. One day at a time wd.

free

April 22, 2004
8:07 pm
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NancyW
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Dear Worried Dad, I hope you don't plan on taking the law into your own hands. You may have more trouble. Are the police involved in finding your son? Please be careful.

April 22, 2004
10:09 pm
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Juanita
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Dear Worried Dad ~

You are not whining. You, in my opinion, have suffered one of the worst kinds of suffering imaginable. I think I would die if something would happen to my children. How you have managed the strength to carry on is incredible to me. Maybe men & women are different to some degree, I can't imagine the pain being any less. You said you finally have the means to confront & locate your boy...legally I assume... but how long will this take to locate & confront her? Will your son go to a transitional house until you are reacquainted? How long has it been since you've seen your boy? My heart breaks for you and your son and all that have you have been thru. I am fairly sure, once you are reunited, family and individual counselling would do you both a world of good.

Here's hoping to the light at the end of the tunnel, and the beginning of healing for both of you.

April 23, 2004
8:31 am
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Wanttobewell
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You've not whined at all. You're just faced with a terrible situation. I personally don't know how you've kept your sanity. It must be awful for you. Don't worry about how you sound. It might not be easy at first when you find your son, but give it time and I wish you the best!!!!!!

April 23, 2004
9:17 am
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acj
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Dear Worried Dad---

I have the utmost respect for you. I had two dads (one biological and one adopted) and neither one fought for me to get me away from my mother. I think it would have made all the difference for me and all of my relationship problems I've had in the past. I know that during that time I WAS brainwashed. I was lead to believe by her that if I decided to leave and go live with my dad that she'd kill herself or at least disown me. I fought for her all of my life and then she turned on me like a rabid dog.

You are such a strong man. To be able to know and express emotion is an awesome thing for a man in today's society. I'm glad you've overcome the "stereotype" that men have no emotions. Please, express them anyway you can. I hope you will find a partner one day that will appreciate all of the fine qualities you possess.

I'm sorry you aren't able to have contact with your son. I'll be praying for you and a joyous reunion with him. Please, keep fighting and keep searching for your son. If you are able to get him away from her, you will change his life in a positive way. He will know that you love him. It will probably be very difficult at first, when you first have contact with him. But don't take any actions or words he may use personally. Don't forget that she was able to control an grown adult. It is probably a piece of cake for her to control and manipulate a child that depends on her for his life.

The scene may get nasty when you are first reunited with him. He may call you names, hit you, scream for his mother, etc. I say this again because I want you to know, IT WILL HURT LIKE HELL. But you have to hold it together and keep pushing forward.... Know that the initial scene will be rock-bottom. It will only get better from that point on with your relationship with him. IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER, the longer you are in his life... When he is an adult, hopefully, he will see his mother for who she is and what she's done....

WD, I'm sending you a heart-felt hug. This will be the hardest struggle of your life. But you WILL prevail. Have faith in God and belief in yourself. "Through Him ALL things are possible." And it is true. I never thought I'd ever be able to stand up to my mother. But I DID! I prayed and laid my life and destiny in HIS hands and he's holding me.... Let him hold you through this.

Please, keep us up-to-date. If this helps any, I used USSearch.com and found out some info about my daughter's father, who hasn't seen her since she was 6 months old. It's a lot cheaper than a P.I. and would give you a good start. If she is internet swavy, I would just put her name in Google.com and see if she's put her name out there anywhere...

I really hope this helps, WD. Again, I'm praying for you. I feel with all of my soul, though, that you'll find him and everything will be okay for you...

acj

April 23, 2004
11:50 am
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Worried...

You are NOT unmanly, just human. If ever there is an outlet for people to express their emotions, it is here. You are not whining, you are feeling love for your child and hurting over all that has happened. Please don't begrudge yourself the right to seek consolation. You have a right to be comforted. It is terrible that society brainwashes men to think that they have to be like a stone cold rock or there's something wrong with them. If a woman was separated from her child, would anyone call her a whiner if she were expressing her emotions?

We are here for you, like you have been for others and will be I"m sure.
You need to allow yourself the same consideration you give others.

I'm wishing the best for you and your son...
-ella

April 23, 2004
12:50 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Wow.

Thank you for the support.. And kindness. And also for the reality check.

It's hard to know. Seems like people who haven't been through something similar think I'm just nuts. I get a lot of invalidation.

People have told me that I'm too angry. What in the world do I have to be angry about?

People have told me that my studying of intimate partner abuse is unwholesome, creepy, unhealthy. "Why can't you think happy thoughts?"

I have been told "Your son isn't really missing--he is only missing to YOU."

I've been told "You are acting as if this were some kind of emergency."

I've been told that my desire to be reunited with my son is an unhealthy "obsession."

One counselor actually told me "Well, you can always have another child."

That one really gets me.

Don't worry about me taking the law into my own hands. She has done that herself. No, this is going to be about detectives and lawyers. And psychiatrists. And social workers.

April 23, 2004
1:14 pm
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acj
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Worried Dad---

I wish you the best of luck. I really admire you. You are a strong man for doing this. So many men would just give up and say, "Hey, one less thing I have to worry about."

Best wishes....

acj

April 23, 2004
1:59 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi WD,

No, you are not whining. Not at all. As your "Official Catholic Jewish Mother" here is your validation. You wrote:

"People have told me that I'm too angry. What in the world do I have to be angry about?"

Well, you have a lot to be angry about, you are a Father to a child that you have not seen for how long? How many stupid daytime TV shows are there (remember, I work 2nd and 3rd shift, so I'm home when these are on) - where there are women crying for DNA tests to prove paternity for men to who will not step up to the plate and take responsibility for their children? Yet, here you are, you want nothing more than to take responsibility for your boy. Angry? Yes, you have every right to be angry - and then some.

"People have told me that my studying of intimate partner abuse is unwholesome, creepy, unhealthy. "Why can't you think happy thoughts?"

Well, you should think happy thoughts. Happy thoughts about getting your boy back. Happy thoughts about finding someone who WILL appreciate you for the kind sensitive man you are. Studying is not a bad thing. By studying the past - we help to shape our future, and if we are smart, we will not repeat past mistakes.

"I have been told "Your son isn't really missing--he is only missing to YOU."

Well, guess what? YOU are the important person here. Your son is missing. He is not where you know he is, he has not been able to see you. She is hiding, if not, why would she not at least send you a letter and say "hey, I think your a creep - but the boy is fine, and you can call and write him at this number and address."

"I've been told "You are acting as if this were some kind of emergency."

Um... your son is "missing" it is an emergency. You know this woman is violent. You know she is abusive. How much damage are you going to have to undo. I'm sorry to say that because I'm not trying to make you feel worse... but, you already know this.

"I've been told that my desire to be reunited with my son is an unhealthy "obsession."

If only more parents were this "obsessive" about caring for their children. We would not have the legions of throwaway kids that we have now. Children who are having more children that cannot raise or take care of them.

"One counselor actually told me "Well, you can always have another child."

And she can always have another patient. Actually, did you know that you have a lawsuit with the other counselor that you told she was abusive to your son and they did nothing? They are bound by law to turn that in to CPS. I would look into it.

"Don't worry about me taking the law into my own hands. She has done that herself. No, this is going to be about detectives and lawyers. And psychiatrists. And social workers."

And any help I can be of to you... just ask.

You do what you need to do WD, get your boy back.

Love,

Zinnie

April 23, 2004
4:56 pm
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Worried_Dad
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You guys are great. It is amazing how much it helps just to hear someone tell me I'm not crazy.

And ZinnieMom--that's awesome. And right you are about Tarasoff duty. You know Zin, I think you would be even more effectively intimidating with the bald head. And maybe a studded leather Jacket, Haa!

Okay, hugs. Gotta get back to work.

April 23, 2004
6:47 pm
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wd

when you're dealing with the people who have brushed you off like this, pretend it was your best friend getting brushed off, and you are there as an advocate.

Git 'em

free

April 23, 2004
10:26 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi WD,

Considering my employee's are running from my sight right now (yes, they are in trouble...), I might take you up on that studded jacket! Suit's my mood.

Z.

April 23, 2004
10:49 pm
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Juanita
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Dear WD -

I hope your time of waiting soon comes to an end. With all the study and research you do, you should become an public advocate for other fathers in your situation. Dad's have rights & the courts should not let the woman have custody just b/c she's the mom. I know a man who fathered a child out of wedlock with a much younger woman. He could do nothing to get custody of their child as she was the mother and they hadn't married. The mom though, moved in with a much older man who had just recently been released from prison. Can you guess what for? Child molestation. The court still let her keep custody of the child as there was no proof he was hurting the child. She became pregnant with this other man's child too. It wasn't until the biological Dad could prove his child was molested by this man that the court awarded him custody. Sick.

Go get the witch & bring down all the power and might of a loving, caring Dad. Hell hath no fury like a WD...

More power to you. I wish all Dad's cared as much as you (that goes for Moms too).

I praying for a speedy reunion for you and your boy. Keep us posted.

April 25, 2004
12:08 pm
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Free,
It's easier to understand when they do this stuff to my friends. Inside it just feels yucky. The self doubt and minimization are hard to silence by myself (e.g. "it doesn't count because she didn't hit me every day like some women get.") That's why I need external reality checks from time to time.

acj,
you paint a frightening picture.

Juanita,
I'm an educator, not a gender politics activist. My advocacy is for the women, children, and men who are abused by the people they love. If only I had gone to my Social Worker about my problems with "D" rather than to Doctor Holyshrink then my little boy would be safe at home.

April 25, 2004
11:07 pm
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I know, wd, that's why I said to imagine this happening to somebody else and you are their advocate.

It's very difficult to speak for ourselves. So, in distancing ourselves as if we were an advocate, sometimes it helps to manage the situation. This takes practice, but I've found it quite effective. Instead of doing what my gut says to do, I ask myself what I would I do or say to or in my best friend's behalf?

I dunno if that will work for you. But it's something to think about.
free

April 26, 2004
11:53 am
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acj
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WD:

I, unfortunately, have first-hand and second-hand experience with this...

I was the child and I remember going through this crap. I call it CRAP because that's what it was. Just some woman (my mother) wanting to prove a point and who couldn't deal with her own issues. Then she tried the same crap with my daughter, trying to turn her against me so I'd stay with her. Sick.

Yes, it was an ugly scene. One that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

acj

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