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Was overcome with resentment and hurt last night
July 22, 2005
9:51 am
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exoticflower
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I was making arrangements for the next couple of weeks, setting up apointments and such, and inevitably had to RSVP to a close friend from out of towns Wedding Sower invite. I did it on her bridal web-page, full of ladies in wedding dresses smiling serenely, couples walking into the sunset, you kow, things like that. And I started toBAWEL, like a baby! Been doing that a lot lately, but this was a doozie, just so sad that not only was I promised that love from my ex and didn't get it ever, but that I have been so hurt and feel so distrustful, what if I never can feel willing to let that door be really open again after what happened the last time (projecting, planning my future reactions...what was I thinking? Setting myself up?).

As the evening wore on I got more and more resentful and started blaming him full force (I knew what a bad partner he was very early on, I could have walked away and not been this hurt or feel this distrustful today, I keep trying to remind myself of that) and get hurt and anxious and angry all at once. SO I e-mailed him three very short but very hurtful e-mails telling him EXACTLY what I think about him, calling him a drunken playboy who destroyed his family and turned his back on his daughter, and scolding him nastily for all that he has TAKEN?! from me.

Of course I cried myself to sleep in a stupor of self pity, but hat is worse, had nightmares as I often do about the hurt, all the women, trying to get through to him and my voice being gone and he is pointing with his friends and family while I sit there croaking and crying and gesturing.

ANd then, in my dream, I started SCREAMIN, and my roomate confirmed that I was actually screaming in my sleep. THen I woke up, furous, and went and fired off another brief e-mail about how much he disgusts me and what a vile person he is.

WHAT THE PHUCK came over me? I feel clear headed today, not resentful and furious and such at all, but I really just lost it there for a second...I'm pretty disapointed in myself and would really like some feedback from everyone. Non need to treat it gingerly, by the way, I know in full how insane and out of the blue this was.

July 22, 2005
10:53 am
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exoticflower
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The more I think about it, the more I realize that it was erally a very overpowering urge to make known that 'what you did to me was wrong and you are not a good guy, I didn't deserve it, it wasn't my fault, and you telling me those things is wrong too'. Again with me deciding what it is ok for him to be in denile about...I just hate that I was so emotionally mistreated for so long and he is allowed to ignor the abuse he inflicted upon me. WHy might i keep coming back to this need for him to know? And why would i be so nasty and angry about it last night? Were on earth does that sort of anger come from?

July 22, 2005
11:18 am
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sdesigns
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Hi EF: I think the anger towards him is a healthy thing for you to experience, rather than placing the anger on yourself and becoming depressed. It is part of the grieving process, and much better to direct it towards him than yourself. In my case, I was angry at myself and became severely depressed and it took me a very long time to shake it. I FINALLY became angry at him and was able to pull myself out of it.

You were hurt by him and feel damaged by his actions. Rightfully so. No need to deny those feelings as they are justified. And of course attending a bridal shower would trigger those emotions. Hopefully after this major emotional tidal wave of last night will help you feel some release of the anger.

I'm glad your're feeling better today. SD

July 22, 2005
11:26 am
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exoticflower
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The anger, I agree, is healthy and natural and I'm even releived that I am finally feeling it in an honest way...it's the ACTING on it that really shakes me up...and of course I look crazy again, that's not a great feeling...Thanks for the possitive boost there, sd, and for reminding me that there is something to be glad for simply in that I feel better today--some proof of progress there, I guess.

July 22, 2005
11:42 am
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addicts wife
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(((((((((EF))))))
I think is is stemming from a need for validaion. YES, what he did, and most likely continues to do is wrong..((HOW DARE he or anyone treat YOU like this!!!!)and to be angry about it is a sign of getting through the process , although it can be quite surreal, and overwhelming ..it seems as though you are "owning" it , to claim it, acknowledge it...so you can let it go enough to carry on to a better place emotionally.
(to me,) feeling overcome is a sign of movement, and growth,,, because your mind is tellingyou that you are not in a numb zombie like state of shock any more. it can be difficult, because when we imagine growth in our heads, we can often have this flowery subdued, totally calm pretty picture of it, but in reality the growth and anger phase can be just as emotionally charged as the hell we went through.
and a point id like to add is that you did wake up feling better, and lessresentful, didnt you?? you went through it and sorted it out...so today you feel better. And so what if youve sorted all this stuff out and youre still not sure where to put it all??/ that will come, when the time isright.Try to take a moment otday to do some ofthose self affirming breathing exercises to find 'your center' andtell yourself you ARE strong, beautiful, andworthy of all that is good and wonderful.Becasue you ARE!!!!
((((huggysupportive stuff))))))
AW

July 22, 2005
11:59 am
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frayedknot
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EF

What a rough nite...

I have been told that dreams are our subconscious helping us do the mental work that we are consciously working on during our waking hours. You desperately want his friends and family to know the entire story. In your dream, are they on one side of the room and you on the other? Is anyone with you? Is your daughter present anywhere? You are unable to speak to them and tell them what you want to say. This is a reflection of what's going on day to day for you... You hate that they don't know the entire story about him. You might want to write down the details of your dreams and how they made you feel. Analyze them in the morning. It's kind of fun.. I did this for about 3 weeks. It was very interesting. You will be surprised how much "processing" is happening in your dreams.

I thought my sister was crazy when she told me to do this. She helped me with my analysis. It amazed me..

Frayed

July 22, 2005
1:14 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh, you know, I sort of thought that the entire meaning of the dream was clear, that I felt hopeless, and lsat night with the added ability to make noise that I was speaking out and making my pain heard and such...I hadn't really even concidered these other things! Thanks, Frayed.

Let's see...this is a reoucouring dream for me, I should be able to get most of it down...

My daughter is usually held by me until I get upset and can't talk, at which point his mother takes her and hands her to him. I am usually frustrated more becuase they are gawking and not helping, that if they would just not make it worse I could hold her fine on my own. It is alwasy in their home, in the Foyer, and it is his immediate family, a couple of his closest friends and one of their wifes. The worst is that they are all watching with these disgusted looks on their faces like I'm just pathetic, and I know he has told them I can't speak for some sort of reason that isn't the real reason...like he must have blamed it on something from when I was younger that doesn't really relate just as an excuse to tell them these negative things about me. We aren't on seperate sides of the room, I am sort of against the wall by the door and they are standing a few feet from me in a cluster.

Anyone care to observe about THIS?! What may freud say?

I suppose that I'm in love with my father and wish I had a male part.

AW, thank you too for your imput, and you are right--I SOO need to find some sort of center, get myself back to a possitive place I deserve and latch on. I'm definately going to take that time today.

July 22, 2005
4:10 pm
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exoticflower
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Isn't there someone who posts here that interprates dreams?

July 23, 2005
10:12 am
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exoticflower
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So, for all of my fussing and the mean e-mails and the crying and then the empowered screaming...the bridal shower that set all of this off got canceled, seems my friend has the flu and just isn't up for it. How about that? I personally think it's kind of funny...not the flu, just the whole thing and how it played out.

Now I'm wondering if I should write some sort of appology, or if I should just say forget it? I mean, it isn't a kind way that I spoke to him, and it must have seemed fairly out of nowhere to him, but at the same time I meant every word, and why do I need to answer to him for my hurt? I don't know what the right thing here is, can I have some advice-opinions to take into account as I try to figure it out?

July 23, 2005
10:49 am
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22haha
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EF- the anger that you feel is so normal. I think that it deosn't matter how much we hurt - they are too selfish to notice or care. We hurt so badly and they just go about their business. I wish you hadn't contacted him like that because now I feel like he thinks he "still has you" in a sick kind of way. Like he is still getting to you. I don't know this is just how I feel my ex sees things. I know it is hard to stay focused on yourself but you have to try to do that - especially when you feel like your thoughts are wandering to him. He isn't worth another minute of you being upset over him. He ruined his life (or what he could have had) and he treated you terribly. You have to hold your head up high and know that you are better than him and you wouldn't treat someone like this ever. I wouldn't write and apology because 1. those are your true feelings and its ok to say how you really feel instead of holding back and 2.the more you keep at it - the more it seems you care and why let this guy think you care about HIM anymore? I'd just move on and let him think "wow, that was harsh, I guess I am an a##hole". One more thing, I truly believe that your daughter will be more like you than him. When she is old enough that you can talk with her about things she will see the good in you and his family will not have more influence over her than you will. Believe me - she will love you and all that you are doing/have done for her.

July 23, 2005
10:57 am
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exoticflower
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22haha, THANK YOU a million times...it is such a comfort to hear things like that about my daughter. Not that they don't have good qualities, it's the bad ones I am worried about them projecting onto her...though I suppose if I raise her full time with the right attitude, anything else will seem foreign to her, I just have to be determained to raise her very well and with good values and principals...in large part, I think, by leading by example.

July 23, 2005
1:37 pm
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Oh EF!!! I have SOOOOOO been there!!!!! You acted on your feelings at the moment! A few years ago, when one of my relationships ended, I had the HARDEST time moving on... much harder than I am having with this most recent breakup. Anyway, I did exactly what you did constantly. BUT, I used to call and leave voice mails (because he no longer would answer my calls)... so I had LONG and rambling conversations with his answering machine (some of which I'd have to call back 6 or 7 times to finish. I am NOT exagurating. I wish I was!). Anyway, I'd get angry, I'd call and yell. I'd get sad, I'd call and cry. I'd be happy, I'd call to tell him that too! Something would happen that I thought he should know about, I'd call... You get the point!!! There were probably hundreds of voice mails that I left him over a 6 month period.

It is so embarrasing to think about now. I was a complete lunatic!!!!! I didn't see it then. It all seemed perfectly normal to me. I was "venting". So, I guess you are further along in your self-awareness because you at least realize that you look crazy!!!! I'm not saying that you are, I just KNOW that's what THEY (the exes) will say about it. It's up to you whether or not you want to e-mail and apology.

I probably would not. You meant everything you said, right? So, why let him off the hook? That may give him the impression that you are A-OK with everything he has done to you and that you are totally coming un-hinged! You know what I mean?

I wouldn't care what he thinks... He is going to say you are crazy regardless of what you do, so I'd probably let it go and try not to do it again....

I hope that helps...

TC

July 23, 2005
5:13 pm
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EF- definitly lead by example. Of course your ex's family has some qualities you don't want her to pick up. I guess when she get older then she will be able to see for herself the way she lives (the way you taught her) -vs- the way others live. Just like you see the difference between you and them. She will be happy to have you as the one who guided her and not them. Maybe one day the two of you can sit around and laugh at all their rediculous behaviors :o) Mothers are very important people to their daughters. My mother was an angel and I wouldn't want to be like anyone but her. I feel blessed that she taught me well. xo

p.s. I know you worry about them influencing her when she is around them but honestly I know that you will be a much stronger role model and she will see that. As far as your dream and not being able to tell his family how he really is, and not having a voice - I think that sometimes families know a lot more than they let you believe - maybe they are just trying to ignore it to protect their son. You really shouldn't care what they think of you. YOU know the truth and even though it bugs you that you can't shout it to all of them... just know that he and you both know whats what. Really - there opinion should mean as much to you as the scum on the bottom of your shoe.

P.s.s. LAUGH at them in your dream next time. Make them realize how stupid they are.

July 23, 2005
6:18 pm
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EF --

You have been such a help to me over the last several weeks. I wish I were a dream interpreter...but it seems that you have that covered. Your emails sound a little like my hate letter. There were a variety of reasons that I didn't send it, not the least of which was my pysch. and sponsor saying get rid of it; but the letter was done BEFORE I was in therapy or working with a sponsor AND before you kicked my head off the first time...I think the reason I didn't send it (on my own) was: a. didn't want to give her ammunition (your daughter will be in custody fight range for quite a while (makes no difference that he could never win, he may try just to screw with you; b. I couldn't take the thought of her 'reviewing' my words with others; and c. I couldn't take the thought of it having NO effect on her....I WANTED to HURT her.

Then I would wake up in the middle of the night (probably as the result of a dream but I don't remember a dream connected with that) and not be able to go back to sleep...all the time practicing my cross-examination of the miserable wretch that I wanted her to acknowledge that she was. People kept saying things like 'how much time do you want to continue to spend with her?' and 'obsession is still obsession even though it is in anger' and all kinds of truisms that were of NO HELP. My limited experience has been that staying active with other stuff (work, kids, etc) has been the most continuously successful remedy -- unfortunately, there is not a lot to be active with at 3 AM BUT, there is some. Go to this board (as I know you do) study recovery books (active study -- with a highlighter and notepad) and so on. If nothing else it is distracting. I've heard of people going for middle of the night walks or drives (probably not possible for you with your daughter). ANYTHING but acting on the wish, thought, compulsion, whatever it is, to act toward the other person (send emails, texts, calls, letters, etc).

Good luck.

July 23, 2005
8:23 pm
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Hi Exotic,

Regarding whether or not you should e-mail again to aplogize, my suggestion is to leave it alone.

You were angry and upset (justifibly (sp?) so btw) and you told him how you feel. You owe him no apologies. However, having said that I think from this point on you need to go back to necesary contact only. Do not allow this man or his actions dictate your emotions in such a way that you then "beat yourself up". It's not worth it. Write a letter and throw it away, talk to you therapist, come here and talk to us....whatever it takes....but do not give him your dignity and self respect. You have shown him that you will not allow him to treat you badly anymore and that is all he needs to know. The rest of it...don't share it with him, share it with us.

((((((hugs))))))
Lolli

July 23, 2005
9:49 pm
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exoticflower
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Lolli, this was quite out of the blue, even nessaccary contact had been done through someone else for two weeks, I had no desire to speak to him at all. Likewise, I have no desire to now. I was just wondering if I ought to aknowlege his receiving 5 hostile e-mails out of nowhere one night...I do feel like I am justifiably angry, but not that it is ever ok to do things in the way that I did. It was an unprovoked attack, I guess sort of a delayed reaction, does that make sense? But I did mean what I said, so I suppose the how and why are better left alone, I'm still feeling worlds better about having him out of my life and I don't see any reason to put myself through anything toxic. I really do think it was the bridal thing that set me off, thinking that I honestly beleived that we would have that? And that would be GOOD? Looking back now, I know that there was never a point that we should have been togeather, toxic toxic toxic, abusive too. From the get-go, an emotionally abusive alcoholic with huge aproval issues is not what i ever wanted for my life. I felt good realizing that, right after I got angry at him and myself for all the time I lost trying to make the very man I just described not wanting treat me lovingly. Yes, I agree, I don't need to write him, he's a big boy. Angry women are a hazard of being a playboy, after all.

July 23, 2005
10:00 pm
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exoticflower
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Great to hear from you, by the way:)

July 24, 2005
9:43 am
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Hi Exotic,

Yes, the "delayed reaction" does make sense. I understand you feel that the way that you contacted him was perhaps an "unprovoked attack"....However, I still believe you are justified to feel the way you feel and I'm not so sure the attack was unprovoked. We can't always decide when those feelings will come up and I agree with you that that "angry women are a hazzard of being a playboy." He chose to treat you the way that he did and sometimes people need to be held accountable for that.....even if it is at an inconvient time for them. Too bad.....that's what I say.

I still believe you owe no apologies. I'm sure his drinking, cheating,and abusive ways were out of the blue and inconvient to you as well...yes?

We reap what we sow and if having an angry e-mail from you is the worst thing that happens to him, then he has no complaints as far as I'm concerned. He should consider himself lucky.....after all....it's not you're Lorraina Bobbit or anything...lol.

Anyway, enough of my rantings.....I'm glad you're feeling better today.

((((hugs))))

Lolli

July 24, 2005
10:11 am
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exoticflower
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Lolli,

Thanks for that rant...no it's not like I WAS Lorraina yet, though I suspect I must have gotten out just in time--one more willie think, and his little brain may have been swimming in the Hudson!:)

I agree though, and that was exactly the words i was trying to find to explain it to myself..."We can't always decide when those feelings will come up and I agree with you that that "angry women are a hazzard of being a playboy." He chose to treat you the way that he did and sometimes people need to be held accountable for that.....even if it is at an inconvient time for them. Too bad.....that's what I say.

I still believe you owe no apologies. I'm sure his drinking, cheating,and abusive ways were out of the blue and inconvient to you as well...yes?"

THanks for helping me put what I had already gathered emotionally into words my logical brain can understand as well:)!

July 24, 2005
10:40 am
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That's what I'm here for my friend.....

Love,
Lolli

July 28, 2005
12:56 pm
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Hey EF. 🙂 I am also in this stage of my recovery now. (Male wise), I don't ever remember being so ANGRY with someone, as I am at my ex!!! This is actually a RELIEF for me, to be feeling this intense anger towards him, because, I have never felt it towards him before...and, this anger I feel, is helping me even MORE to get over him, and to be able to stay detached from him!!! And, for that, I am extremely thankful!!! He is starting to lose his "control" over me...and that thought makes me smile, and the more DETERMINED then ever to get over him completely, once and for all!!! Keep up the great work!!! 🙂

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