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Was my Dad Always Like This?
March 22, 2007
11:59 pm
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armyleo
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Hi I need to write this, but I’m not sure if it means anything or I’m just reading to much into everything.

Real quick my brother has had custody of his 3 boys (twins 4, and older boy 5) for about 1 month now.

He left, in the middle of the night with the boys after his wife called the police twice in one week. Police told him to leave for the safety of him and kids.

Anyways, they were staying at our house full time, but it kind of wasn’t working out with my husband having odd hours, and graveyard shift hours, and the kids home, and wanting to play and yell. Kids need to play and H needed to sleep.

So know, the kids stay at my house after school, and he goes to my dad’s to sleep with them. From 6pm on. Hopefully he will clean out the house after his wife left, and be able to have a more stable life for the kids. It really is a sad situation for everyone, brother, SIL and kids.

Here is my, what everyone would call triggers. I don’t know if because my dad is older, he has become less impatient, more rude etc. I hate to say it but he is becoming more and more like my grandma who passed away. Don’t get me wrong I love them.

When I go to his house and the kids are their, he really yells at them, get in your face type, and pulls them by the collar if they ignore him, or don’t pay attention, or just grabs them. Now these kids haven’t had a good growing up environment. No discipline, no routine, mom who has always been sick, in and out of hospitals. She is BP. My brother, has always tried to be there, and given her, her way with the kids. He never wanted to take away her place as a mom.

What I am struggling with is - was my dad always like this when growing up, is that why I wanted to leave before I was 18years. Was he worse? I just have blocked out that time in my mind. Another thing that I’m struggling with my feelings is my parents left me with grandma when I was 1 and didn’t pick me up until I was 5. I look at the boys, and their mom isn’t there and now, my brother has full custody for 2 years until SIL can get better….I hate to see them struggle, feeling abandoned….They have family, like I did…but try explaining that to a young mind….it doesn’t work…

This whole thing is bringing back, family stuff, that I think I buried, denied etc.

I often hear grandparents saying that they enjoy the grandkids alot more and have patients. Because when their kids were growing up they were too busy, and had many demands.

Now my dad has always been a drinker...except for the past 1 year when my grandmother died...He has given up drinking...Maybe that is why he is like this?

I hope I make sense if not ignore post...

March 23, 2007
12:17 am
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ggfred4
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armygirl, you make plenty of sense...did writing this out help clear your head a little? Maybe you should print your post and bring it to therapy...just in case you want it?

March 23, 2007
1:31 am
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hbdude2k
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I think grandma took care of all the stuff and now that grandpa has to do it, he gets a little irratated. He didn't have to worry about that when the wife was around. Just a thought. Your brother has to be tough and just do it. Its lots and lots of work, however the kids will remember dad being a great dad. Good luck with all this. Hope everything works out.

March 23, 2007
6:20 pm
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Hoppy
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Armygirl

Hi! I'm new to this thread today and I read your note. I found I could really relate to your situation. I also couldn't wait to get out of my house when I was 16, 17, 18. I even got married when I was 19 only to divorce after two kids at the age of 26.

My father has always drunk and was verbally and physically abusive to us kids. I really am not sure if it was related to drinking though. I don't remember if he drank everyday. My mother might of had to put up with his bad moods, but never physical abuse. Now that they are retired and all alone, my mother takes quite a lot of verbal abuse. It seems we were the buffer when we were there.

I have found that men my dad's age do not express their real feelings. I guess from the way they were raised. I know I wasn't able to do it and still have trouble doing it.

Grandparents might enjoy their grandkids a lot more because they leave and go home. Your dad, right now, doesn't have that. Don't get me wrong...I do not defend his actions. There are times I would like to confront my own father for the way he treats people in my family and have tried and in some ways he backs down. It's almost a form of bullying. The response I got was "did I forget who I was talking to?" I calmly said know and asked the same question over again. Why was he so angry? There is obviously something wrong? He immediately calmed down..almost like he was thinking about it.

He is still very hard on my mother...almost like a 3 week PMS thing. I believe she gets one good week a month. My advice to her was to try some counselling if she could, to find a better way of dealing with him, but she won't go. I hate watching it and being the catcher of it.

It does throw you right back to when you were a kid and I'm 50!

I hope you can be a good support to your nephews. They will remember it a long time from now and appreciate it. I hope your SIL gets the help she needs.

All the best.

Hoppy

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