Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
Was it rape? Was it abuse? You decide.
February 15, 2000
7:46 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mindless,
These are complicated issues that you would be best to ndiscuss with a councellor. There are a mixture of good and bad memories mixed together so it is difficult for you to look back and see what was okay and what was abuse. The fact that you believe all men are pigs shows alot, do you think that this feeling comes from your relationship with this man or from other experiences of men in your life?
You may never be able to get to the stage where you can say everything this man did was wither wrong or okay, humans are very complicated, there may have been times when he helped you buthe did also take advantage of you, even if you agreed and enjoyed it at the time. It may be impossible to say to what degree this was abuse, and therefore if you spend your whole time trying to analyse exactley what it was that happened you may be wasting time. The whole point is that fropm this experience you are now left feeling violated, you cannot go back and change what has happened, i think you should stop trying to put a label on those events but should spend some time thinking and discussing how you think it has affected you and what you can do to help those scars heal. You need to process the pain, find a therapist and talk it over with them, you sound like you feel a little guilty because you enjoyed it sometimes, thats okay, if you enjoyed it it may have been innapropriate from your teacher but he was the adult not you. He was abusing the situation, but whether you class it as abuse of you or not, the fact is you need to move on with your life, please consider councelling for this, you need to get clear in your head what you feel rather than just trying to find a lable that fits for this situation, it is not black and white, there are many different shades of grey in between. You could spend the rest of your life arguing as to wether it was abuse or not. The point is you are not happy about it now, you need to concentrate on yourself and your feelings and see how you can come to terms with what happened. I can see your frustration, this situation doesn't fit into a nice little box, it is a comples reltaionship. What is it that is really keeping you stuck on it, is it because you did enjoy it and feel guilty or is it because you didn't enjoy it and feel violated?
Peace
Hazza
i personally would say that cunnilingus is only abuse if you are force either physically, emotionally or otherwise into it. If you agree then maybe it is unfair to say it is abuse as the other person obvoiusly feels you are consenting to it, in that case i would say maybe it was just a bad choice of partner, which we have all done beleive me. How did you feel at the time? did you feel forced or obliged? what do you think would have happened at the time had you said no?

As always there are more questions than answers.
Take care,
Hazza

February 15, 2000
9:38 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, also, in England any way legally the only thing that is called rape is penatrative vaginal sex. if the man uses anything other than his penis, or has anal sex with you it is only termed as "Sexual assault". There have been many cases of women and men being assalted in most vile ways, but because the man did not have vaginal sex with the woman it has not been called, or prosecuted as rape. But that is just the legal definition and is a bit absurd sometimes. I think the law is very hazy on this issue, especially now that more and more men are reporting being "raped" i don't know if they legally recognise the rape of men now or still call that sexual assault.

February 15, 2000
12:27 pm
Avatar
mindless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

it was more like just being numb - not caring what happened becaus there was so much other unpleasent stuff going on - that's the confusion. You would think someone 30 - 40 years sr would think of your empotional needs and not just his sexual needs only because they were available - would sense the vacancy. but i have to say he was never unkind in any way. so i will think aboiut what you say. thanks

February 16, 2000
4:33 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Mind,
I agree with you, you were very vulnerable because of all your other issues in your life at the time, and i think this man must of known this but did put his needs first.

You need to forgive yourself, you were not to blame for this, now you are older and wiser you will be able to see people clearly and know what you want from life, bit by bit you will grow from this and know yourself better and not let people take advantage of you. Try as hard as you can not to allow this to make you bitter, i know that sounds very patronising but i dont mean it that way, i just want you to try t be open to good things happinging in your life too, the good times will come, if you let them.
Peace and hugs to you.
Hazza

February 16, 2000
8:48 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mindless...

I believe that oral sex is considered molestation, not rape, which usually invoveld penetration.

As for the perpetrator: here's the thing. Sexual abuse is not about sexual gratification, nor is it the sum of the perpetrator's personality. You don't have to be crazy, dirty or freaky to commit these crimes. All he had to have was unacceptable sexual associations. Those who molest children are about control and power. THis does necessarily mean that they are unkind or cruel. Abusers often make the victime feel comfortable, protected, and then violate the trust the build over and over, relying on the fact that the trust bond will keep the victim from revealing or even recognizing the extent of the abuse.

He was a nice man, involved in academia. So? This doesn't refelct on his sexual impulses. He believed they were natural for him, he engaged in those sexual activities with someone who was subordinate to him in order to get the power rush.

I have been with several men and given and received oral sex. For the men I was with, cunniligus was gratifying to them becase they felt powerful. That they could give me an orgasm was gratifying to them.

Numbness, again, is withdrawal from realty. I am familiar with the feeling of not being inside yourself, being someplace far away where you don't feel and you are almost watching yourself. Disassociation. This is an unhealthy coping mechanism. The result of this is that you will always feel internal conflict about sex. See a counselor!

February 17, 2000
9:24 am
Avatar
Brittainy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mindless Do see a counselor it will help you cope with your past. You sound very confused. Let us know how you get on.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
39 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109421

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

vbnhtqDazy, VasyunyaDazy, Jrsamples, theodorkVar, veruhaDazy, maksyushaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer