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Was it Love? Or Exploitation?
August 30, 2006
8:27 pm
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shyshy
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Some of you know my story and some of you probably don't. After being with my bf for over four years and all the drama we've been through, I can't believe I actually still considered having him move in. I figured, if we've been together this long and I'm still with him then we may as well give it a shot, especially considering things always went better when he would stay over for a while.

Anyway, all these years he's been doing work around the house for me and always said he wasn't doing it for me. He was doing it because he thrived on the challenge and didn't have anything else going on.

To make a long story short, he stayed with me for about three weeks. After the second week he asked that I figure out my finances and let him know how much he needs to give me and ended it with this comment "because if it's going to be more than what I'm paying now I may as well stay where I am." I thought that was shady considering he should be moving in with me because he wants to be with me, not because it's more convenient for him. It bothered me but I blew it off and swept it under the rug like I do everything else. A week or so later I put together some figures on a piece of paper and he accidentally ran into it looking through my work bag for some directions to somewhere we were going and asked what it was. So I told him it was the budge he asked for. He nearly flipped. The first thing he saw on the list was the rent he would be paying and said it was too much. It was half of what I am paying for my mortgage (480.00). Then there was 1/4 of the utilities and 1/4 of the grocery bill plus his share of the oil in the winter time. I told him I didn't know why he can't pay $480.00 a month for rent when he would be paying more than that if he lived on his own and he makes 20.00 an hour and has no obligations. He then said it wasn't that he couldn't. I said "then it's that you won't" He stayed quiet.

I left it alone because we were on our way somewhere. The following day I couldn't even concentrate on work because I was so hurt and figured his reasons for moving in with me have nothing to do with wanting to be with me and therefore, where does that leave me? He obviously is not interested in taking the relationship to the next level and question why he even bothered with me for so long? We continued the conversation the next day when I went to pick him up after work and told him I was very bothered by his reaction to the budget. His argument was that the first thing he saw on the list was that I wanted him to pay for half my mortgage and he's not going to do that. It's MY house and I should be paying the mortgage since he's not getting any benefit from the equity in it. I tried to explain to him that it was no different than what he's doing now. He's paying his landlord rent for HER house!! One argument lead to another, he said I had already made up my mind not to take him home with me before I got there and that wasn't fair because I didn't even give him the chance to discuss it with me and come up with something that we could both agree on.

After all we have been through, I am not willing to continue on with this relationship with him living in his place and me living in mine and him constantly trying to run my life. Cause that's another thing. He loves to come over and tell me how to do things and how my kids aren't doing this or that like they are supposed to but he won't pay his share of the rent? After arguing with him for a few days I finally got out of him what he thinks is fair. He says his way I probably would even make out better. What he was thinking that when one of us doesn't have money for this or that the other will step in and pay. So, all these years I've been paying all the bills myself, so what does that tell you? I will be the one paying the bills and when am I going to have an ocasion when I can't pay one??????????? He thought he would just throw me a bone every now and then and I was going to live with it and still be able to walk around the house like he wears the pants.

I'm questioning if he has been with me all this time because he's hungry and broke and has nothing going on for himself. I keep him company, give him something to do and provide a warm plate, a listening ear and let's not forget TLC whenever he feels like it. And let's not forget, someone to boss around and make him feel important.

Am I looking at this whole thing logically? Or am I missing something? I would appreciate everyone's view on this whole thing.

I've already made up my mind that I will not be continuing the relationship but I was just interested in everyone else's point of view.

August 30, 2006
9:46 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Shyshy,

I think you already know what my opinion is of b/f. And this post has only solidified that belief.

My opinion is that the writing is on the wall. You know exactly what you are going to get by letting him move in. The next step is to accept that reality. If it makes you feel better I will tell you that, in my opinion, you are right and you are seeing things correctly. But don't just trust me....you must learn to trust yourself.

Love,
lolli

August 31, 2006
7:43 am
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taj64
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I sense that he is taking advantage of you. But you have already come up with the solution and you are asking for back up. Shy shy, he would have offered more and willingly had he been the right person for you. Just because you are responsible and paying the mortgage because you worked hard for it doesn't excuse him for not chipping in his share. Any room mate or other shared living arrangments requires each person to be responsible. He sounds like he want to mooch and have the cake and eat it too. You deserve better, a supportive person who won't even put you on the spot this way. And judging by your post, you are not going to lose what you are already have and gain by not having a mooch around and someone to argue with. That is not too loving is it?

August 31, 2006
8:27 am
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Notsure
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Hello,

Your question is "was" making it past tense. Since it is in the present the question should be "is it love". The answer is maybe but if it is, it will not be a situation that provides you with nothing of what you want or need.

I am not you, so it is easy for me to say get out now.

You write too well to not be an intelligent woman. I am not telling you anything that you don't already know.

I see too many red flags and feel that you will lose your independence, you will be dominated and controlled, you will be paying a large share of the costs and you will ultimately be very unhappy. So again, get out now.

The first cut is usually the most painful. So if you can bear it, I would say "see you" and assume a "no contact" position. Will it hurt and be difficult? Yes. Will it be better for you in the long run? By far.

Please note though that he will do whatever he can to get back into your good graces beacuse he has it too good. So hold your ground.

There are better men out there for you. And I don't know why so many people (particularily women) settle for men that don't make them happy or are less than what they deserve.

Good luck. Regards, Notsure

August 31, 2006
8:44 am
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Robert123
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You are not continuing the relationship? WHAT RELATIONSHIP? Oh the one where he sucks the life out of you financially and emotionally. Good for you !!! This guy has a problem or two. Letting him go is smart. Count your blessings and he is not one of them.

August 31, 2006
4:34 pm
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nappy
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If you are able to pay for yourself while you is out on your own. Then you don't need this person living with you, especially if you have kids. Listen to some of the peoples here who have already walk that walk that you are going through. If you know for sure that you don't want it anymore then you already knows the answers.
I went through what you is talking about. My ex boyfriend was suppose to pay the rent and I would pay everything else. All he had to do was pay rent. Well that lead us into having to leave the house that we were renting. He left first because he was just thinking about hisself. I on the other hand, had a whole house to moved. My share was being paid but come to find out that he wasn't paying rent and we were in the hole.
Now he wants us to move in together. yeah right. It has been going on three years since that happen and I want put myself back into that again. Oh, I love him but not that much to where my well being is being unprotective.

August 31, 2006
7:53 pm
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shyshy
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Hello everyone and thanks again for all of your responses. I really appreciate everyone's point of view on this whole thing. Isn't it funny that no one sided with him?

Yes, he is sucking the life out of me financially and emotionally. Reading some of your responses really made it clearer for me. He still calls me and claims to love me etc and sometimes I get cought in thinking about the good times till I talk to you guys and see the whole picture.

He has his truck in my garage, I've paid for all the camping trips we have been on, we went on vacation to Florida a couple of years ago and we split the cost but because his son in law and daughter and kids were coming along and he had to cover their costs he nickel and dimed me for everything. Yet, he didn't mind paying their way for everything!! One time his gas got shut off so he decided to stay with me for a few weeks while his daughter and roomate had to heat up water to take a shower and use space heaters for heat. As soon as they found another apartment he stopped staying over. Recently, before our latest argument, he had been staying over for about three weeks. His car had broken down so we were sharing my car. He was paying for the gas though at least but he wasn't contributing to any of the household finances except for twice when he brought home a pack of meat and some potatoes. Probably because that's what he was feeling for the day. He would do most of the cooking, so I have to give him credit for that and let's not forget the work he would do around the house. But that doesn't take away from the fact that he was bossy, controlling and everything was costing me more by having him there.

Now, if he really wanted to contribute he wouldn't even have to ask me for a budget. He could have just as easily said "I'll buy the groceries this week" or "here's some cash for the light bill......

When he asked for the budget it was not because he didn't want to mooch but because he told the landlady where he is now that they were moving and he needs to get out.

It's all becoming a lot clearer to me now. I am in no way planning on getting back with him. I just second guess myself sometimes because of all the work he has done around the house and all the I Love You's and I miss you's that he throws at me and I needed to clear my head!

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