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was he really sexually abused?
March 21, 2010
2:09 am
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jackdaniels
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my husband told me he was sexually abused at the age of 15 by a boy one yr younger than him. when my husband was 20 he sexually abused his brother who was only 5 at the time. he says because he was a victim he repeated the abuse. but i think he had consensual sex because he told me he had sex with the 15 yr old a couple of times. he claims he knew nothing of sex and was taken advantage of. now this person has contacted him on facebook as if they are friends. it doesnt make sense to me. i'm wondering if he lied about his abuse to use it as an excuse for how he abused his brother. what do i do?

March 22, 2010
12:43 am
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gettnthere
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When did you learn about the sexual abuse of his brother? If this is only a recent revelation I am sorry for the news to you. You need to make a statement to the police. The fact he molested his brother is a criminal offense. In most places, the issue as to whether the criminal was molested is not relevant. That is it does not diminish the reality of the crime or suffering for the victim. I was molested as a child and that has not made me a pedophile.

From what I learn, many people who have been told that their partner is a child sexual offender do not believe that it is even remotely true and do not ask questions. They prefer to deny it. You are asking questions which is a huge step. Congratulations. I would suggest that it is essential you seek therapy from a specialist so that you can begin to understand how criminals of this behavior operate and ultimately be kind to yourself for unknowingly and naively trusting this man. Now you know what he has done, to do nothing will eat at your soul.

I think you should talk to a professional about reporting to the police what you know to protect others and yourself safely. Do not compromse your safety. If you have children remove them from his care immediately. I am so angry for you I am shaking. These people have ways of manipulating stories for their own benefit and to leave a person in your position feeling isolated; as though you gave no one to turn to. This makes you feel crazy and powerless but please understand that this is part of the pattern to protect himself. They can also very subtly threaten you; your financial security or your home. This is how they take root and destroy what is good. But again, I can't reccommend a therapist to support you personally during this process.

The bottom line is 'should I stay or should I go?'. That is what paralysed my mother for many many years. Fear. And shame she couldve loved and been so personally intimate with a monster. And she is finding now that there isn't a hell of a lot of sympathy for her because she did for so long after knowing the truth. That is unfortunate for her to say the least but it is a direct consequence of her denial. Avoid this as much as possible because it's yet another result of criminal child sexual assault.

The fact that he is in contact with his own alleged sexual abuser who was YOUNGER than him is the red flag you seem to be responding to. Listen to your inner voice that is telling you that this is not right.

Again a therapist can prepare you for the inevitable victim story your husband will give you when you confront him. If he feels as though he has been targeted as a victim then he can talk about that to the police, a lawyer and a therapist on his own. I have known of people who have partners convicted and sent to jail and the women have stayed in the marriage. One woman even makes her children go and visit their father on fathers day. He is serving time for abusing them as well as other children. I probably don't need to tell you that these women have little or no friendships at all and although they know their husbands have been found guilty by a jury, say that they believe they understand why it happened. From what I know, these women lead desolate, lonely and painful lives. But that is the choice they made.

Good luck with what you are discovering. It must be very painful. I hope you can find peace at the end.

March 22, 2010
12:48 am
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gettnthere
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3rd paragraph last sentence I meant to say " I reccommend a therapist to see you through this process"

sorry for typo

April 8, 2010
1:44 am
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jackdaniels
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thank you for your reply and i am very sorry for the ordeal you suffered as well. i am seeing a therapist and my husband is seeing one as well. i have been very open with my feelings about this with my husband. i have been told the difference between molestation and being a pedophile, by a professional, and he does not fit the type to be a pedophile. but that does not by any means diminish the severity of his actions. his brother did talk to him for many yrs up until about a yr ago when he cut ties because of what happened. he never contacted the police on him either. it is very difficult because friends and family don't understand because they don't know the whole story. but i have known my therapist for many yrs now and trust him completely. so i am going to work thru this one step at a time. thank you so much i really appreciate it.

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