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Wanting to help my bitter, angry spouse...
August 21, 2001
12:49 pm
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Diva
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My common law spouse has some REAl issues with his grandparents deaths(some years ago), some childhood trauma, and other unresolved family & personal conflicts. The problem is, he won't open up when asked, and chooses to let it all out when he's very drunk, and usually ends up in trouble 'cos he wants to confront in anger and hostility. We have a 2 yr. old daughter, and I want him to get help NOW!

August 21, 2001
1:30 pm
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Ladeska
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Diva - protect you / your child, do what you have to do. He's not being responsible, so you have to do whatever is necessary in order to ensure your safety and your daughter's. And that includes mental and emotional safety and wellbeing. You can't make him do anything, but you can defend you and your daughter against his offensive behavior. If you don't do that, then you are in the same pot with him. I'd suggest to him that he seek help, but in the meantime - "I, nor my daughter will be a target" and then do what you need to do to ensure your safety. It's called - having boundaries and enforcing them rigidly.

August 21, 2001
1:44 pm
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Cici
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Ladeska is right on the money with this advise.

A common problem in relationships is that partners sometimes expect to be able to "help" their spouse out of whatever funk they may be in, be it Issues, depression, addiction, family problems, but when you get right down to it, only the individual can help themselves.

It's the same with addiction problems. A person won't quit smoking cigarettes just because a spouse or friend tells them they will die. Hell, some people with lung cancer continue smoking. They have to want it.

With relationship issues, personal issues, mood disorders and personality disorders it ends up being the same. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, who doesn't chose to open up and work on themselves.

Protect yourself, your daughter, let him know how his problems are affecting everyone's lives, and that the drinking is problematic to you. That's all you can do. good luck.

August 21, 2001
1:50 pm
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Diva
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Thanks for the input. Maybe I didn't make it clear, but safety isn't an issue-- it's the mental/emotional toll it's taking on our lives-- I know he wouldn't harm us physically but he's sure doing a number in other ways!

P.s. the drinking has become more frequent within the last 10 months, but he's a chronic pot smoker, liar, etc. as well when it comes to where his money goes, what he does when he goes out, AND he's been the subject of too many "sick" rumors that I care to know about.

August 21, 2001
1:58 pm
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Ladeska
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Diva....you made it clear and I still say - safety is an issue. Mental and emotional safety are just as important as the physical end of it and if it is drinking more - the physical part could present itself. Better to see the train coming and prepare to avoid it, especially with a child. Get out of harm's way and let him - go figure. You are her guardian and protector. Remove her from it. How much more information do you need than what you already have? Are you waiting for something bad to happen before you say - it's time to distance myself and my child? Separation times are fine. Life warrants it alot. People need their space and you need protective boundaries and your child certainly deserves that - emotionally, mentally and physically.

August 21, 2001
3:58 pm
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babygirl2
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