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Wanting to be wanted ....
February 24, 2004
6:23 am
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kmshull
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September 29, 2010
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I had a strange encounter tonight, with myself. My self-worth was on the low side and I desperately wanted to feel wanted. I wanted my husband to come make love to me.

He's been working through a lot of personal issues which has kind of put his sex drive in a funk. He's asked me to just let him kind of work through it. In fact, he used to just give in to me when I would get like that and the other night, he said that lately it was making him not feel very good about himself to force himself to have sex when he really wasn't in the mood.

Lately though, in the past week, he's started putting his foot down more. He's started sticking up for himself and not letting me needle him until he finally gives in (no matter what the issue is).

So here I was, getting all upset and crying because I had this pit in my stomach, this emptiness and I didn't know how to take care of it myself, so I was practically begging him to come take care of it for me (in the only way I knew how - sex). Rather than just accepting that he wasn't in the mood at that particular time, going back to bed and dealing with my own feelings, I kept pushing at him, saying he didn't want to be here, that he didn't want me, etc. I was "egging" him on to agree with me. Why? So I could tell myself "See? He doesn't really want to be with you anyway."

Through this whole scenario, for the first time, I stepped back and saw myself and the situation from the third person. I saw how childish I was behaving. I saw how pitiful I was in my inability to feel good about myself and just give him his space. All he was asking for was that I not keep pushing at him and let him come in on his own terms, not because he was feeling forced to.

In my heart I feel like if you really love someone, you try to give them their own space to figure out who they are and be the person they want to be. You support their self-growth and development. In the things he's been working through, I've been unable to just let him be and try to work through it. I've been so needy, I haven't been able to give him the space he needs. And he feels smothered, backed into a corner, etc.

By nature, he's not the type of person you can corral into doing anything. He will usually do things when he is good and ready to do them. Pushing at him to do something, nagging at him usually makes it worse. He gets more and more resentful and drags his feet (no matter what the task). He's said I start sounding like his mother nagging at him.

He's always given me my space to figure things out. He'll listen to me, but he tries to give me my space. He knows he can't "fix" my problems; I have to work through them on my own. Why do I have such a difficult time doing the same for him? Why do I have such a low feeling about myself that I NEED so much attention, reassurance, and validation from him?

I'm not sure what to do for myself when I get like that. I've just started realizing and seeing my pattern. I've just started being able to dissect it more and analyze it more. But I do feel childish and guilty because I don't feel I am doing what a person does when they truly LOVE someone; I am doing what a person does when they NEED someone.

February 24, 2004
6:37 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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i think you better do some useful activities such as tk some courses according to your interests or apply jobs you ever want it or go to gym, socialize.. time is priceless, it such a waste if you never want to learn new things, so look at back and see what skill you already have in this life, respect yourself, do sth for yourself en of coz throughdiscipline en work hard. desperate people will look more uninteresting..
don't think too much about starting to make a change, stop thinking just do it... because only you can help yourself.. i have learned that how good people are, but the best never count on them

February 24, 2004
7:29 am
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artist 2
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September 27, 2010
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Ohh this sounds like me - so much like me! Only I didn't get the second chance lilke you have.

I was immature and demanding too. That's the main way I drove my Bf away. There were other problems I couldn't deal with too, but a major problem was that I needed things he couldn't give me, and I was unable to let it go. He couldn't either because of resources, or because of pride and he does not like feeling pressured at all. He was from the start unable to give me much one-on-one time and I continually wanted that.

The list goes on. But, what I'm saying to you is "back off" if you want him to stay happy. Find ways to fill your time. Aren't you interested in learning something new? Try joining a new club or group. Make friends outside your marriage. You can do this. You will be saving your marriage and your friendship with your husband. Please start today!

February 24, 2004
8:28 am
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themis
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September 24, 2010
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And where I have come in the process is the realization that it really has never been about sex! It was about feeling secure and wanting intimacy..........sex with a man was the only way I thought I could get him to the table. What I really wanted was to hear his feelings, and have him care about mine.
It makes perfect sense to me that as your husband pulled into himself to sort through stuff, you felt threatened and sex is a surefire way to feel safe again. For me, it has always been shortlived. And, in my marriage, it allowed me to stay in denial......."see he must still love me!"
I think it's wonderful that we are never alone! hugs

February 24, 2004
9:26 am
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Zinnie
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September 29, 2010
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KMS,

This was something I learned very early on in my relationship with my husband. I never really quite understood it UNTIL I met his family.

They nag. They bitch. They carp. They complain.

If I ask my husband to do something, he will do it. But, I have found that if I say "hey S. when you get a chance - can you do....?" That is all I have to say - it's done. Period, end of story. If I needle him in the least little way - you want to talk about someone turning into a 2 ton load of bricks? Nothing, and I mean nothing will get him to move on it. When I met his family and saw that, I was like "whoa! now I get it." But ask him politely? He will jump right on it. Never have to remind him, or ask him again, nothing.

Perhaps that is what your man is dealing with?

Z.

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