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wanting someone i cant have
December 20, 2000
6:53 pm
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jenniee
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Six months ago i met this really nice guy. I am totally attracted to him and i'm sure he feels the same way towards me. The problem is he is my best friends ex-boyfriend. it's been three years since they dated but they are still really good friends. She tells me that i wont like him and he's not good for me, but i don't feel that way.I don't want to lose my friendship with her by dating one of her ex-boyfriends but at the same time we live in a very small town and theres not many guys she hasn't dated.I have'nt told this guy of my feelings and not sure if I should. Am i right to leave him alone? Is there dating bounderies that as a friend i'm obligated to follow? Should I be more considerate of her feelings than mine? Please if anyone can tell me the best way to handle this please respond. I value my friendship but i'm also tired of being alone.

December 24, 2000
9:18 pm
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rc101
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Jenniee - Have you asked your friend how she would feel if you tried to date this guy? If she is your friend, she wouldn't stand in the way of your happiness. In my opinion, if you don't tell this guy how you feel toward him, it might someday be too late to tell him and I know you'd be saying to yourself "if only I would have told him how I really felt". Life is too short not to tell others how you feel toward them. I wish you luck. Please let me know what happens. I could really use some good news right now.

December 25, 2000
8:54 pm
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janes
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jenniee....

Has he dated anyone since her?

I'd advise you approach him as a friend and suggest just a fun thing to do...just to get out and not be alone.

We all feel the need to "hook up" with a mate. Please be introspective enough to know that you are comfortable with you...alone or as a couple. Please be sure that you feel complete on your own as a person.

I don't think you need your friends permission to date her ex of three years ago. If she didn't want him why should she care (other than uncomfortable feelings if your all at the same place toghether...)

Find out why sh thinks he wouldn't be "good" for you.

Tell us more

j-

December 26, 2000
4:07 am
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jenniee
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thank you all for your response. i have asked her her feelings on the situation and she said it would hurt her feelings if i dated him. she said she doesnt watn to stand in the way of my happiness but it would really hurt her feelings because they have been good friends for the last three years. he has dated since her but none has lasted very long, (i dont know why) and she was telling me hes not good for me so i would stay away from him. she told me that because it has always worked in the past. she told me she was being selfish and apoligised for it. we had a long talk and it helped. i still havent told him how i feel because i have a new problem, every time i talk to him he talks about her. i dont think he means anything by it and i asked if he was over her and he told me yes, but it bothers me that he has to bring her up in every conversation. i really like this guy but im not comfortable enough to talk to him about this any suggestions? thank you rc101 and janes if it wasnt for yu i would have never resolved this with my best friend

December 26, 2000
9:56 am
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janes
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Hey...if you were brave enough to talk to your best friend don't hang around..ASK HIM WHY...SHE IS ALWAYS THE TOPIC OF CONVERSSATION. .SINCE HE's OVER HER.
You may give him some food for thought... And really...you need to know if there is any chance.

You could just nurture the friendship with him so you have another buddy.

Sounds to me like she is keeping him on a string like a yoyo and he's a big enough yoyo to still like her and not be seeing it. And I don't mean that negetively.
I think you sound to sweet for him.

There is probly some other guy you know that is watching your infatuation with this guy and waiting for a chance.

Just be good to you and have fun.

Somewhere out there your "mate " is getting ready to meet you and neither of you know it yet. Get to know YOU, be happy and content with who and what you are in the now. Don't waste your life "waiting" for tomorrow. Live today-each moment-and love yourself.

take care!!

j-

December 26, 2000
4:15 pm
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Molly
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A good female friend is worth X 1000 any male connection, celebrate your friend, and forget the one with the penius. No spell check, how about wiener, dick , johnson, etc., you get the picture. Sorry if I sound crude, but I am learning in my old age. We women need good strong female relations, and they with stand so much more than any male female relations. Don't know what her game is with guys, don't know what his game is either, but a good friend is worth HER, weight in gold, or water or air, or maybe your getting it.Please don't take this as male bashing , buttttttttttttttt... We women, need our women friends, don't ya think sisters?

December 28, 2000
4:55 pm
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lewis
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Molly
Excuse me, but I sometimes doubt female relations, are they really that strong?
Most female friends I have do not place girlfriends of high inportance. I used to think it would be the only friendship that would last, yet I tend to view it as using each other while there is no boyfiend etc. Call me synical but...?

December 28, 2000
4:59 pm
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lewis
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Jennie
Wanting someone you can't have is what love poems and songs are all about.
Personnally the passion is great, but i belive u should be loved more than u love - its saner.

December 28, 2000
7:04 pm
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Molly
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Maybe it depends upon what age you are, I had some very tight relations when I was pre-boy age, and foolishly dropped it all when a male entered the scene interested. I can tell you that in my getting old age, the girl friends that I have had, some since 12, 35, 40, are the closest, most supportive, most understanding, most fun I have ever shared. True, we don't share the intimacy of sex, what we share is something much more intimate, understanding. We hear each other with out a game on TV, a remote in hand, and can utter many words to each other about emotions, and feelings. There is a level of trust and openness, that you just don't find with many men, not that they don't exist, just damn hard to find, and those that have crossed my path have been gay. No joke, not to bash males, but female relations are so much more fullfilling. Who else understands mother hood, or being a wife, and those conflicts associated, the fears of surrender, or the sacrifices made far less eating while complaining how fat we are, or what shoes to wear with what dress, and get an answer. I know too, that men, need other men, to comprehend their stuff. I am watching more males seek friendships, like where did we get the idea, that one man, and woman together would for ever fulfill all? I personally need some one else to hear me, really hear me, with out trying to figure out what they can do about it, and that is another woman. We can cackel like hens for hours, get up walk away, meet again and talk about aphids on our roses, with out going, how did we go from sexual lack of interest to aphids. We get it. Look at the threads, read what other women write to other women. Read inbetween the lines, it says I feel what you have felt, I know, and we do. There has been a tremendous amount of female bonding on these threads, confused mom, janes, Cici, VRJ, just to name a few, even little Cutie14, all women, and strange as it is there is a connection, so if you are just using your girlfriends inbetween men, think about it hard, sure a good man is hard to find, but a girlfriend, a woman friend will carry you through heart ache, pain and suffering during those times, and will be there for you to share the joy in your life, and deserves alot more than to be used to just pass the time. Not that I don't appreciate or celebrate a good man, like Tez but he is on the other end of the world, and of course Cool Joe, or what ever his name is today. But look at what they had to go through to be as good as they are and relate to most of us who are women on these threads.

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