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wanting bad, have wonderful??....long story short
February 16, 2004
12:01 pm
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onmymind
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ok...here's the short version..
I'm married, had an affair, fell crazy in love with a total idiot that doesn't want me, and I have no freaking idea why!! And I can't just stop these feelings!!!
HELP ME!!
Annette

February 16, 2004
12:05 pm
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Anonymous
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One- how did you fall in love with him, where do you know him from, and two- how do you know he doesn't want you?

February 16, 2004
12:05 pm
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Zinnie
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Work on rebuilding your marriage. You have a great guy at home, one who forgave you... why would you want the jerk?

February 16, 2004
12:14 pm
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onmymind
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Aces & Spades,
I met him in a chat room back in August of 2000.
Reasons why i know he doesn't want me...
1. He's told me.
2. He only calls me when he needs something or is bored.
3. He's divorced now and is single and is meeting new people and has moved on.

Zinnie,
I have been trying to work on it...but he forgave me (or says that he has) but still brings it up constantly and insults me and always puts me down because of that.
Why do i want the jerk?? I have no idea...It's something I can't explaing, just a strong feeling I have for him that will not seem to diminish at all.

February 16, 2004
12:26 pm
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Anonymous
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I think you want him because you can't have him, most people always want what they can't have. Why would he tell you he doesn't want you then expect you to do things for him? You met him in a chat room? What do you really know about this guy, I mean I know you have known him for three years now, but is it worth your marriage?

February 16, 2004
12:31 pm
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Zinnie
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Have you been to a marriage counselor for any of this?

From your other thread, you have cheated two different times - does your husband know about both times, and did he forgive you for both.

Forgiveness is supposed to be just that, and you work through the problem and move on. It does not give him the right to constantly bring it up and insult you. Have you addressed all of this with your husband?

February 16, 2004
1:52 pm
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onmymind
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Aces & Spades

I have wondered that myself, wanting what I can't have. But I guess what confused me the most is that he will tell me he doesn't want me in his life and never wants to talk to me at all...and we won't talk for a few weeks and then he will call me or email me or somehow contact me. We no longer have sex and haven't since I got pregnant in July of 2002. The last huge fight we got into lasted about three weeks and he ended up instant messaging me and that was before christmas...and he ended up needing some money to buy gifts with.
I know him very well...I know everything about him. He's told me I know him better than anyone else has or does. I think that is one thing he hates. I asked him why he asked me for money...and he said because nobody but me knows about his financial situation. If what I feel for him is really love...and if he would love me back the same..yes it is worth my marriage to have that.

Zinnie,
No, we have not been to any counselors...I have suggested, and he does not want to do that.

My husband only knows of the one affair. He suspected the other, but I denied it because he and the guy are friends and the guy is friends of both our families.

I have addressed him bringing up the past many times, but it always leads to a much larger fight and much more past being brought up and I end up in tears and telling him I can never change the past and hating myself.

February 16, 2004
1:59 pm
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MEC
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DO what your heart tells you. If you think you love someone, go after that feeling, you may never feel it again in your whole life!

February 16, 2004
2:04 pm
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onmymind
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MEC,
My heart loves the other guy more than I can describe.
But I feel horrible now every time I speak to him and I end up crying because it hurts so much.
I don't know if you've seen that Bruce Almighty movie...but when Jennifer Aniston is sitting in bed and crying and praying to god for him to help her stop loving him because it hurts too much...that's exactly how i feel.

February 16, 2004
3:39 pm
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Zinnie
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Annette,

I'm sorry to be so harsh... but, you are not being fair at all to your husband. Since you are so unhappy being married to him, as you surely must be if you have had two affairs and are clearly obsessing about this other man, it is time to think seriously about a divorce.

I'm not one to advocate divorce at all, but you are not being realistic in what you are wanting out of your husband or your marriage.

This is not fair to you husband who has been beyond fair in my opinion of you.

I'm not judging you, I'm just telling you what I'm seeing.

Perhaps you need to be on your own for a while, and figure out what exactly it is that you want and need for you - without manipulating your husband into a sense of foregiveness, and obsessing about another man who you are not married to, who does not want to be with you and treats you badly.

Regarding who is the father of your child. Leaving it as "who you want to be the father" is not right to anyone involved. Your husband, the other man and certainly not your child, especially if the child (God forbid) were to get ill - what if it's hereditary, whose family history are you going to need.

You do have a lot of work ahead of you, but I think for everyone's sake, you need to take an honest assessment of your life right now and make some serious decisions.

Zinnie

February 16, 2004
3:54 pm
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onmymind
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Zinnie,
I agree, I need to do a lot of thinking and try to decide what i need to do for the best of everyone.
It's so tough...and I feel so alone and confused and mostly hurt.

February 16, 2004
4:03 pm
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Zinnie
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Do you mind if I do give you some advice?

Z.

February 16, 2004
4:09 pm
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Anonymous
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ONMYMIND: I agree with Zinnie, you are not looking at how your actions are affecting other people, mainly your husband, and it sounds to me like this guy is using you, he calls you and asks for money and you give it to him, and he tells you no one knows his financial situation, that just sounds like a bunch of crap to me. Im sorry but I don't want to see you get taken advantage of and I think that this guy is playing on your emtions for him, because he knows that you care, and will do what you can for him. Is someone like that worth losing your marriage for?

February 16, 2004
4:22 pm
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onmymind
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Zinnie,
That's why i'm here...I need guidance and any advice!!

February 16, 2004
4:23 pm
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onmymind
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Aces & Spades,
I know...I guess it's just hard for me to believe he could use me like that...i've asked him and told him i've felt like he uses me and he tells me he's not. I'm just confused.

February 16, 2004
4:34 pm
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Zinnie
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There are far too many games going on between you and too many other people. Your marriage is now including at least four people given the two affairs - not only the two that need to be there. Add in-laws and kids and you have one big mess.

I think I would at this point honestly think about asking for a trial seperation from your husband and SEVER ALL TIES with this Jimmy guy, and flat out leave Tony alone.

Once you have done that, I think you need to sit down and think long and hard about what exactly do you want. You have a good husband, but you are willing to throw that away for a little excitement - with someone who is a creep and is only interested in using you. He does not want you to be happy, if he did he certainly would not have been up there making sure your husband knew all of this.

You definitely need to have a paternity test done for various reasons. First and foremost, whose child is this? Who needs to support this child? Who needs to be a part of raising this child? Additionally, what about the medical aspects of the situation?

If you and your husband do decide to work this out, you guys are both in for a long road of counseling. One, you need to learn what it is you want and need in a marriage and communicate it to him, and two, if he really is willing to forgive you and move on - then he needs to do just that. Forgive you and move on. Not saying that he will be able to forgive you readily right up front. You have seriously breached his trust, and honestly he has every right to be hurt, angry and suspicious. He is looking back at his life right now and wondering how much of the last six years of his life has been a lie.

Think about if the situation was reversed? How would you feel? Essentially the way Jimmy makes you feel right now, is how you are making your husband feel. So, look at it like that.

Annette - I hate to be harsh here, but I will tell you the truth - always, and I'm not one to sugar coat much. If you need support, I'll be glad to give it to you, but for everyone's sake - especially your childrens - you need to work this stuff out.

Love,

Zinnie

February 16, 2004
4:34 pm
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Anonymous
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I think its hard for anyone to beleive that anyone could use them, but look at it like this, do you think you are using your husband?

February 16, 2004
4:34 pm
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gingerleigh
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"I guess it's just hard for me to believe he could use me like that...i've asked him and told him i've felt like he uses me and he tells me he's not. I'm just confused."

Reread that statement... couldn't that be something your husband might say about how you treat him? Examining your own thoughts in this area could provide a glimpse into what's going on with this other guy. You aren't able to understand how he can use you and string you along, yet you are doing the same thing to your husband. Why is the behavior of this other guy so difficult to understand when you are able to gloss over your own so easily?

February 16, 2004
4:39 pm
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onmymind
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Zinnie,
I only wish I were as strong as your words hit me. I know exactly what is right and wrong and I feel like it is an addiction that I can't control. I think of Jimmy constantly...I feel like I go to work every day just hoping he will call me and when he doesn't, I feel hurt and lost and lonely. And I end up calling his cell phone and getting his voice mail...then my mind runs crazy with thoughts of what he may be doing. And I honestly make myself sick.
What steps do i need to take to start getting a grip on this??

February 16, 2004
4:45 pm
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onmymind
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Aces & Spades & gingerleigh,
I know what u are saying...I do feel like I use my husband as a "safety net" I'm very insecure and needy, I believe that is my first problem. I am a very loving and giving person. I have given Jimmy more than I can say...money, gifts, bought him dinners, lunches, gave him money for down payment on an apartment....tons more. What hurts me is that he still treats me like crap...and tells me I have a big heart. My mind is consumed with him...and I can not get past that to realize what i'm doing to my husband...its like nothing matters but making Jimmy happy and hoping he will want to be with me.

February 16, 2004
4:48 pm
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Zinnie
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First and foremost, by letting him go. How do you do that? First of all, stop calling him - even to listen to his voice mail. When you find yourself thinking of him, purposely think of something else.

Ginger - lay out your famous "21 day detox" here...

It is not easy to do the right thing, but at the end of the day we have to be happy with the person staring back at us when we brush our teeth at night.

There have been times in my life when I have been tempted for something different. But, I took my vows seriously - for better or worse, not until something better or someone richer came along. Marriage is work.

I have a good strong marriage, been married for close to 14 years - but I will be the first one to tell you that it takes work on both parties part, love, understanding and also being friends with your significant other. Great sex is just that, great sex and that too wears off. Usually once the affair is no longer secret, or you or he have left your other partners, the excitement and the thrill is gone... and you find you are now right back to where you started but often times with a different person and more often than not in a worse predicament than the original one was.

Start first and foremost by doing the 21 day detox - Ginger will lay it out for you... get some counseling for YOU, and decide on whether or not you want to be married and work this out, or go on alone.

Z.

February 16, 2004
4:51 pm
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gingerleigh
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This takes strength. It is simple to start, but you need to be committed to it. Otherwise, you're just wasting your own time.

[ 1 ] Delete his contact information from your phone, email and IM.

[ 2 ] Block his email.

[ 3 ] Block his IM.

[ 4 ] Remove him from your speed dial.

[ 5 ] Turn off your cell phone so that you are not tempted to take calls from him. Or better yet, leave your cell phone at home.

The first thing you'll need to do to start straightening this stuff out is to remove this Jimmy guy from your life. Otherwise, it will continue to mix up and muddy your life. Start there. If you can do that, we can move forward, but you won't be able to budge an inch unless you do that.

February 16, 2004
4:54 pm
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onmymind
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Zinnie,
Thank you zinnie...I need so much strength and help to get through this...I can't keep living like this...i'm getting way too many grey hairs!!

February 16, 2004
5:01 pm
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onmymind
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gingerleigh,
i've never saved any of his numbers ( i only know his cell number and nextel number) on my phones, those are in my mind only.
I don't know what his current chat name is, I only know of one email address he has. I don't know where he lives (he recently moved and thought it was best that I didn't know that information). I don't know his work phone number(I only know where he works...not specifically..he works for Lowes..but he told me which city it was and i checked both locations there and they've never heard of him at either)
He never really emails me (he hasn't in months) We've always had this "system" where he'll beep me on my nextel and I will phone him back on his cell bc he gets free incoming calls. I can't block him from beeping me on the nexel, it's not technically possible. I can only not call him back when he does.
I feel like i'm making excuses...is that what it sounds like???

February 16, 2004
5:09 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yep.

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