Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Wanted: my needs.
September 28, 2008
9:49 pm
Avatar
NormaGene
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have a problem knowing what I want. When I figure it out, I usually don't have a problem asserting myself to the point of asking for it. However, sometimes, or most of the time, I have a hard time even recognizing that I need something at all. And then when I realize that the discomfort I have in my relationships is due to wanting more, I can't figure out what it is. Sometimes when I do understand my needs, however, I tend to shrug them off as silly, unnecessary, or obsessive. Then, I just ignore them because I feel I should be stronger than that, I shouldn't need those things, or they should just happen for me if I deserved them. I meet really terrific people and I seem to fool them into believing I have my life together somehow. But, when it comes to romantic relationships the person I'm dating seem to get disinterested. I'm aware of my co-dependency issues now after a very abusive relationship. But, I can't seem to shake myself out of looking for happiness from the outside. Not knowing these simple things about myself is a nagging feeling that is constantly in my subconscious. I know that in order to be a happy person I must figure these needs out, but I can't seem to find a way about searching for them. Any suggestions?

September 28, 2008
10:51 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is very familiar to me. I remember not having any level of awareness of myself. I was disassociated from myself in a huge way. What worked for me is that I started paying attention to myself and I would write in a journal every day about what I did that day, how I felt, what I liked, what I didn't like, how things smelled, looked sounded and how I felt about the different smells. Slowly but surely, I began to learn what things I liked, what upset me, how I reacted to things, how I felt from a day to day basis. I mostly wrote about how I experienced the day with mu five senses as well as feelings.

I'm still learning how to ask for what I want but now I know what I want or don't want. Huge for me. I often never make any rush decisions about anything because I need to check with myself if what I'm seeing is real for me. I have read many self-help books, gone to various forms of therapy, follow a spiritual path of my choice, and to the best of my ability I try to do what feels good to me and if I find I'm wrong, I give myself permission to back out as soon as I find out.

Have you considered therapy?

September 28, 2008
11:33 pm
Avatar
NormaGene
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That was very helpful. Thank you. I have a journal also, but I don't keep up with it unless I feel despair about something. And at that point I'm usually so mixed with emotions I don't seem to come up with any solutions.

I have tried therapy. It was very useful to a certain extent. Without it I wouldn't have been able to acknowledge that I'm co-dependent. However, I had to stop treatment at a very critical time because I was in the process of moving. Now, I'm in constant transition. Also, therapy wasn't as successful as it could have been because of my lack of self-knowledge. It wasn't that I'd lie to my therapist, but I was so busy lying to myself that it took a long time to dig into the truth.

The journal information you listed was helpful because I seem to leave out the basic life likes and dislikes that everyone else seems to know about themselves. Because I'm changing and my life is changing to rapidly I seem to be developing new interests. I think I'm going to take your advice!

Thanks again!

September 29, 2008
12:54 am
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi NormaGene:

Gosh, what you describe sounds so familiar and I don't think I've ever thought about it in quite that way.

I remember as a child always being told what I should want, or what I would do, etc- not really allowed or encouraged to be an individual with my own wants and needs. I never had discussions with my parents about what I felt or what they felt, was just controlled and disciplined.

So I was a very late bloomer in developing my own identity. Could be why I am not married as I wasn't able to feel or know what I wanted in relationships, just took whatever came along and tried to make it work, usually to my detriment.

I think the fact that you ARE thinking about it and recognize it, that you may be on your way.

The doors really are open to us, we just have to want to know which one to pass thru.

sd

September 29, 2008
11:03 am
Avatar
NormaGene
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Like you, sd, I wasn't encouraged to experience the emotions that I naturally had. I was always told to toughen up. Not in a spiteful way, but my parents and grandparents pushed me to be an individual and strong. For instance, when I'd fall and injure myself my parents would take their time in assisting me because they didn't want me to become reliant. But, sometimes I really DID need them. And their neglect had has the opposite response. I need people to validate my pain and suffering. I didn't need their push in that direction. I already had those natural instincts. Anyway, the point is that I seem to look past the natural feelings I have. I want to be able to acknowledge them and ask for what I want from others. That journey of figuring out those feelings has been a very long one and I really hope to get past it before I miss out on a potential healthy relationship. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714260
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information